I felt an unbelievable sense of peace as soon as I made the rash decision to hand myself over to the court system. I was trusting in the Force. Well, I was trusting in the Force and a lack of evidence as to my real identity. Let's not forget a really good lawyer; I was trusting in that too.
The soldiers' stunned amazement followed throughout the trip to the jail, the booking process and the transferring into a cell. General Wasani, thankfully, was silent during the entire trip. She didn't even cast a triumphant look at me.
Now, I sat in my cell. It was surprisingly comfortable. I had a bunk that was only a little harder than those on the Hawk. There was a private 'fresher station in one corner. I'd been allowed to keep my robes but I could feel a Force suppression field around the room. It was a little disappointing that there wasn't much as far as entertainment in here. Then again, I was a prisoner, so it's not like they really had to entertain me. I briefly wondered if they would allow me my research datapads so I could keep finding out what was happening beyond the Rim.
There weren't any chairs in the room, so I sat on the floor. I folded my legs up and meditated. Because of the Force suppression field, I couldn't fly along the city walkways of Coruscant, which was mildly disappointing.
Instead, I reached further into myself. I lost myself in the walkways of my mind, watching scenes from the past. I replayed waking up on the Endar Spire. I watched Trask as he burst into the room, imploring me to hurry. He'd sacrificed himself to save me. There was no other way of explaining what he'd done. He'd known he was no match for Bandon. Even with this fatalistic knowledge, he'd sacrificed himself. Because of that sacrifice, I was able to find the Star Maps and defeat Malak. Trask was a true hero of the Republic.
It was because of the Trasks of the galaxy that I had surrendered myself into the tender mercies of Republic justice. I had done terrible things. I deserved punishment or absolution. I craved closure. More important than me, the galaxy deserved to punish or absolve. The galaxy deserved closure.
I kept floating through my mind until I heard footsteps outside the door. I have no idea how long I was lost in thought. The footsteps hesitated and then the door opened. I only looked at the person framed in the doorway. I didn't acknowledge the presence, nor did I ignore it.
"Hey, beautiful, um, uh, fancy meeting you here." Carth's voice was hesitant as he stood there. He was nervous, I could tell from the way he fingered his belt loop. He kept reaching for the comforting presence of his blasters. I'm sure the guards had taken them from him. There was a reason I'd tossed my lightsabers to the Masters back at the Temple. I didn't trust the guards with them and if Carth was smart, he wouldn't have either. Then again, he was a fellow soldier, so perhaps he'd get better care.
I continued gazing at Carth from my seated position on the floor. I concentrated on keeping my face blank. I was upset and hurt but I didn't know the whole truth and I was willing to listen. However, I couldn't guarantee that my voice wouldn't quiver at the thought of what Carth was really doing with General Wasani or if he was even really with Wasani. It was just a big confusing mess as far as I was concerned.
"Not going to talk to me? Come on, you could never be quiet; you were always nagging at me. Nag at me now." It was a blatant plea for me to speak to him. Nevertheless, I still didn't trust my voice.
"Aren't you going to at least invite me in?" Carth hesitated at the threshold. I still sat motionless. "Revan, please?" That softly spoken please got me and I'm pretty sure Carth damn well knew it would. With a flick of my wrist, I gestured him into the cell. The door slammed behind him as he crossed to the bunk and sat down.
I could feel his eyes on the side of my head. There was no way I was shifting around to meet his gaze or talk to him until he told me just exactly what he was doing in that room. I needed to know why he didn't warn me what to expect, instead of the ambush I received.
"You're not going to move, are you? I guess I can understand that." His voice was soft and almost defeated. Then it hardened and got louder. "Why did you agree to do this? You're immune from prosecution!" I knew from Carth's voice that he was flopping his hands in that semi-endearing, semi-aggravating way he has when he's upset at me. "You never cease to aggravate me, Revan! Force knows what I thought I was doing there! I was trying to help you!"
Carth stood and started pacing beside me. I kept my gaze firmly fixed on the door. I could feel the helplessness, the anger and the fear rolling off of Carth in waves. It was the fear that finally got me to shift my focus off the door.
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did I think that I could actually be a calming influence on you? Dammit, why did you do this? Do you have any idea what you're facing? Do you ever stop to think?" As his diatribe winded down, his voice lost the harsh yelling and went back to its plaintive tone. He was pleading with me.
With a quick roll, I stood and embraced him. Startled is an understatement to describe his reaction. He gripped me and held on as if his life depended on it.
"I just found you. I just found happiness. Why are you taking it away from me?" His voice broke and I heard the tears that he was fighting back. I don't know of whom he was asking the last question but I tried to answer it anyway.
"Carth, I…" How could I answer it? This was a man that had spent so many years without joy and happiness. Here I was, taking it all away from him again. "This is something I need to do. Either I'll be vindicated or I'll be convicted. The galaxy deserves this, it needs to heal. This is one of the steps to healing." Carth only inhaled a shaky breath. His tears were still close to the surface. "Besides, I have a plan." I heard a watery laugh.
"You always have a plan. I remember your plan to get us into that Sand People camp on Tatooine. Remember how well that one went?" I gave a shaky laugh. My plan was to dress up as Sand People. We were quickly discovered and were almost killed.
"Trust in the Force, Carth." I could feel his body tense up around me.
"The Force, you expect me to trust in some insubstantial power that is supposedly guiding you? If the Force was truly the benevolent force you all extol it to be, then the Mandalorian Wars and the war with Malak would never have happened. Sithspawn, Revan, that's your plan?" Carth let me go and started pacing again. I sat down on the bunk.
"No, that's not my plan." Watching Carth walk back and forth was starting to make me dizzy.
"Then what is this great almighty plan of yours?" Carth turned around to face me and threw his hands in the air. "Just what card do you have up your sleeve to end this fiasco?"
I really didn't think Carth wanted to hear that I was hoping for a good lawyer, a dearth of evidence and the Force that Carth obviously didn't trust.
"Do you remember Trask?"
"Trask? That was your bunkmate on the Spire, wasn't it?" Carth sounded confused.
"He sacrificed himself for me. He knew he didn't stand a chance against Darth Bandon" I mentally snorted at calling Bandon "Darth" anything. "but he jumped into that hallway just to give me enough time to make it to the escape pods and you."
"What in the name of the Force does this have to do with your plan?" It was completely beside the point, but I noticed how cute Carth could be when he was obviously perplexed. I'd noticed it before, of course, as this was an almost permanent state between the two of us.
"He sacrificed himself for me. How many others have sacrificed themselves for me?"
"How the hell should I know!"
"That's my point, I don't know either. Those nameless unknowns and Trask deserve to know they sacrificed themselves for someone worthy. How can I be worthy of their sacrifice if I'm unwilling to face my past crimes?" A light started dawning for Carth. He was beginning to understand my decision.
"So, what's the plan then, beautiful?"
"I'll go into the hearing, ask to see all their evidence that I'm the one that actually committed the crimes and go from there. It will all work out, Carth, trust me." He sat down heavily next to me. His hand wrapped around mine and we held on for dear life.
"I trust you; it's the rest of the galaxy I don't trust." I leaned my head against his shoulder. The silence was neither comfortable nor uncomfortable. It just was.
We sat like that until a guard came to the door.
"Commander Onasi, I'm sorry but your visiting time is over. I'll have to escort you out, sir." Carth gave my hand one last squeeze and then he was gone. I was left alone once more.
No one else came to visit the rest of that week. There were no visitors in the month that followed after that. I'd expected someone to come by to visit me. If someone had been willing to give me odds on who would visit, I'd have placed my bet on Mission coming by to cheer me. I craved her irreverent sense of humor to brighten my mood.
I missed Carth's promotion ceremony. I'd spent the creds on a new dress and I didn't get to wear it. Somehow, this fact depressed me more than the sludge the Republic called food, the lack of privacy and the missing connection to the Force. I'd gotten my hair cut for nothing.
Another depressing thought was that I missed my friends. I missed talking to people other than a quick "thank you" to the guards. In addition, I had problems sleeping. It was hard to sleep alone when you're used to having someone's arms around you as you drift off with a sense of safety and security. I missed playing Pazaak with Mission, trading war stories with Canderous and listening to horribly long stories with some hidden meaning with Jolee. At this point, I even missed getting lectured by Bastila.
How sad am I, I laughed sardonically to myself, I miss Bastila's snotty tones as she lectures me on the allure of the darkside.
The worst part, other than the loneliness was the fact that I had no idea what was happening out there. I didn't receive any information from the guards when I asked. There'd been no news at all. It was worrisome, to say the least.
There was a knock on the door as I sat contemplating my next step. I looked up to see Master Vrook enter the room. He spoke softly to the guard and the door closed behind him.
"Another rash decision, Jedi Revan, and another mess from which the Jedi Council is forced to extricate you. Are you ever going to learn to think before you act?" Master Vrook's acerbic voice was back in full force.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time, so I went with it. The Force works in mysterious ways." My childish retorts were also back, obviously.
"Are you saying the Force guided you to surrender yourself to an entity that holds no power over the Jedi?"
"I'm saying that there were reasons to what I did."
"Just what were these reasons? I'm curious. May I sit as you illuminate me as to your logic?" I beckoned Master Vrook to the bunk. He grimaced as he sat.
"Too many lost lives, too many hard feelings and too much pain in the galaxy because of actions Darth Revan took all factored into my decision. For the galaxy to heal, someone has to be willing to accept responsibility for these actions. Malak is dead and can't be brought out as an example. Besides, there's no real proof that Malak died, just the word of a redeemed Jedi that used to be his master."
"Even though your actions were rash, your reasoning shows you've finally matured." I smiled at that one. It might have been a backwards compliment, but from Master Vrook, I'll take any compliment I can get. "Do you not feel that destroying the Star Forge was enough atonement?"
"No, Master Vrook, I don't. I don't think there is anything at all that will ever redress the wrongs."
"A very fatalistic attitude, Jedi Revan, as always, you are wrong. You have destroyed the weapon Darth Revan discovered and used to repopulate her forces. You have broken the back of the Sith war machine. The Sith are a constant threat we must constantly guard against, Darth Revan was only one in a long line of Sith Lords."
"I agree, Master Vrook. However, if the Republic has the ability to bring one of them to justice, it deserves the chance."
"There is no proof that you are Darth Revan."
"What are you saying, Master Vrook?"
"I'm saying that you have been granted a provisional release due to the fact that your genetic material and facial structure does not match Darth Revan's. You are a willing sacrifice, I'm sure, but you are not the one to be sacrificed. You are not Darth Revan."
"What are you talking about, Master? I am..." As I started to say, I am Darth Revan, the door started to open and Master Vrook interrupted me.
"Not here, we shall discuss all of this back at the Temple. We are ready to leave, General Wasani." General Wasani's face was twisted in a dark facsimile of a smile. Not happy was an understatement of the rage I could feel pouring off her. She really had no control over her emotions.
"Darth Revan, you will remain at the Temple at all times. You are not to leave the Temple except for sanctioned trips. Should you violate this, you will be remanded into custody and will face the trial you so richly deserve."
"I'm stuck at the Temple the entire time? You're kidding me, right?" The phrases were directed at Master Vrook but the general answered.
"If you prefer your cell, it will make my day to keep you here." I really wanted to smash my fist into her self-satisfied triumphant smirk, but I remembered the Code and turned a serene face towards her. Sometimes, it's easier to be Darth Revan than Jedi Revan.
"As much as I appreciate your gracious hospitality, I would prefer better food."
The journey to the Temple was quick. I found most of my gear had already been stowed in a room in the instructor area. The space was larger than the cell I'd spent a month in, but not by much. I hadn't realized how much stuff I'd accumulated until I had to cram it all into one room. I wanted my apartment back.
A little tweedle made me turn around to the door. T3 waited in the doorway. For a droid, he seemed happy to see me. As he rolled through the doorway, I heard another welcome sound.
"Happy Greeting: Master, I am glad to see that your time in jail did not harm you.
"Abject Apology: Master, I apologize for my inaction in rescuing you.
"Interjection: I volunteered to kill all the meatbags holding you. However, the Master's Love Slave did not allow me to rescue you."
HK brought a smile to my face with his meatbag comment. It was nice to see some things do not change no matter how long you're away. I wasn't sure of the reactions of the rest of my friends since they hadn't visited. As HK walked into the room, he brought along another box.
"Glad to be out of the big house, are you?" Jolee's voice drifted in from the doorway.
"The food was worse than the junk that came out of the synthesizer on the Hawk." I said with a slight smile to my voice and on my face.
"Not sure if anything could be worse than that. Food's not much better here, though." Jolee walked over to me and hugged me. This was a shock, since Jolee isn't a "touchy-feely" sort of guy. "That was a grand gesture, but completely useless, Revan. You and your swirling Force, you're going to end up blowing up some evil guy's reactor core someday." I smiled against Jolee's shoulder as he chastised me. I could feel a slight prickle of tears behind my eyes. It was nice to be around people again.
"I figured that I might as well help the Republic if I was going to blow up somewhere anyway." My voice was slightly muffled. Jolee pulled away from me while still keeping a grip on my shoulders. He looked me over.
"At least you don't look like you're any worse for the wear. Damn young, always making foolish gestures. What were you thinking?" I gestured towards one of the chairs in the room.
"I saw an opportunity to try to heal some of the emotional damage I caused when I was Darth Revan."
"You can give that line to the rest of the Jedi and they'll believe it. I know you too well. You were upset and mad at that pompous general and tossed it back in her face." I smiled. He was partly right.
"Did you know the Council had the last message from my parents and kept it from me?" The abrupt change of subject didn't throw Jolee. That got me a little, was I becoming more like him? What a fate, to end up a gruff and rambling old Jedi.
"You saw it." It was more a statement than a question but I answered anyway.
"Master Vrook, in a moment of weakness, I'm sure, included it in some information he gave me from the archives. I hadn't seen it before. I wanted to know why this was kept from me, which is why I was on the way to the Temple when I was summoned."
"So, you're saying you volunteered to be executed to piss off the Council? Isn't that a little extreme?"
"No, I'm not saying that. I was upset about the message and the fact it was kept from me. Then, I walk in and there you and Carth sit, participating in an ambush. I felt betrayed all over again, so I decided..."
"You decided to sacrifice yourself to upset everyone? That's not a very mature reaction, Revan." Juhani's voice echoed from the doorway. The room was about to get way too crowded for comfort's sake.
"I decided to do some overly grandiose gesture to prove to everyone that I was worth the sacrifices others made for me." Juhani walked in and sat on the bed.
"You do not need to sacrifice yourself over and over. One would think you were a Corellian with the way you ignore the odds. One of these days, you will run out of luck and your grandiose gestures will get you killed. A Jedi must practice restraint."
"I would listen to Juhani, she has become a wise teacher." The number of people was getting crazy as Bastila walked into the room. Was I really the one wishing for people just a few hours ago? "I am glad you are well, Revan."
"Thanks, Bastila." I didn't know what to say to Bastila. The link between us was blocked due to my eroding dislike of her. Bastila sat on the bunk next to Juhani and primly folded her hands in her lap.
"Restraint is a necessary skill. You rush into dangerous situations without thinking, Revan. The Council was already working on the problem, why didn't you trust them to resolve it?"
"Because the Council is full of doddering weak old fools that are too scared to confront an enemy head-on. Next time you jump into something, Revan, make sure it's a battle with weapons swinging." Canderous' rusty tones preceded him into the room as he leaned on the doorframe.
"I'm with Canderous on this one, Revan. What were you thinking? I mean, come on, who volunteers to get jailed and all? That was pretty stupid." Mission spoke up and Zaalbar roared his agreement. I'd thought the Hawk could get crowded but with most of the crew stuck in the room with me, it was even worse. Mission quickly walked across the room and hugged me. She sat on the floor and Zaalbar sat next to her.
"Stupid, yes, but there are those in the Republic who trust Revan more now that she was willing to face her past. The Council needs to be careful throwing their weight around. There are those in the Republic who do not trust the Jedi and see this as proof supporting that belief." Carth was the missing member of the Hawk and he surveyed the room as he spoke. He leaned on the opposite doorframe from Canderous. He was wearing that abominable orange jacket I hated so much. Underneath it, though, he wore a shirt and pair of trousers that I'm sure I bought for him on the same trip I bought my dress.
"The Council has its reasons, much as I may disagree with them." Jolee spoke up once more. "They do not see the ramifications of the mess they're stuck in right now. They refuse to see how others might interpret their actions. The Jedi are all-powerful keepers of the peace as far as they're concerned. They refuse to believe that people are starting to mistrust the Jedi." Another burden I was going to have to bear. I'd started the trust issue between the people and the Jedi and now I was continuing it. Juhani must have read my thoughts in my face as she spoke up.
"It is not entirely your fault, Revan. The issue pre-dates your fall to the darkside. When the Council hesitated to intercede in the Mandalorian War, the people started the journey. This is only another part of the path."
"Juhani's right, Revan. If the Council had been brave enough to confront the Mandalorians, the people would still view the Jedi as benevolent gods." Carth stated what most of us thought but hesitated to voice.
"The Council has their reasons, as I'm sure Jolee can now attest. They must look at the larger picture."
"You can look at the forest all you want but sometimes it's the tree right in front of you that's going to sweep you off the swoop bike."
"So, what's next?" Mission piped up from the floor.
"I've been reviewing the datapads Revan left out and I've found some interesting blank spots." Carth looked over at me. "I think we need to find out more about Revan's journey beyond the Rim. Any new memories, Revan?" I shook my head negatively. "Then, we'll just need to head out there and see what we can find. Any ideas on a starting point?"
"Deralia, that's what my dreams tell me." Bastila looked scandalized and she didn't hesitate to tell us why.
"Revan, you are not allowed to leave the Temple or you'll be arrested again!"
"Actually, she's allowed to leave on sanctioned missions. I'm sanctioning this one as long as I get to go along. I've needed a vacation from all this 'this Padawan looked at that Padawan wrong' and 'this apprentice put bantha hair in my soup' blah blah blah. Being on the Council isn't what it's cracked up to be. When do we leave and don't you speak up, missy, you're reckless." The last was said with a smile.
"I'd have to get clearance but once that comes through, I don't see a problem about leaving right afterwards." I nodded agreement with Carth.
The conversation after that broke down into smaller groups. I just let the voices wash over me. The utter aloneness of the prison would take quite awhile to cleanse out of my soul. I felt a hand on my shoulder and opened my eyes. Carth stood to my side.
"We're tiring you. I'll get everyone to clear out so you can get some rest."
"No, I'm not tired. I spent way too much time meditating and resting while I was in that cell. I'm enjoying all the noise."
"As long as you're comfortable, then I won't clear them out." Carth looked around the room at all the people. No one was really looking at us. "I've missed you. I couldn't sleep. I've had problems eating. I was even debating having HK kill some meatbags so I could be in the cell next to you." This last bit made me smile. It wasn't my full smile, that would take a bit to recover, but it was a start.
"Why didn't you visit?" The question slipped out before I knew it. I hadn't really planned on asking anyone why none of them came to see me. I didn't want to seem needy.
"We all came but we weren't allowed in by the guards. You were, supposedly, a danger to everyone."
"Oh, I see." That was the truth. I did see the reasoning. After all, if I could slaughter billions at random, what are a few deaths among friends?
"Did you, well, um, that is, did you... oh never mind." Carth stumbled over his question and looked slightly embarrassed.
"I missed you." I put my hand on his where it rested on my shoulder. With a slight shift on the chair, I moved so I could hug him around his waist. My head burrowed in against his hard stomach and that horrible orange jacket covered my face. His hands went around the back of my head and held me tight against him. It was nice to be able to breath in the smell of Carth. I'd missed it more than I'd realized.
"I'm glad."
A/N: Just wanted to take a moment andtell you all a little story. The trial idea came about because I was stuck on how to write the promotion ceremony. So, I was thinking of ways to get out of it. I thought, how else to show why the Jedi were viewed as insufferable prats than for them to throw their weight around by getting Revan out of a trial because she was a Jedi? It shows the galaxy that the Jedi are above the Republics "petty" rules. So, this is really how I'm setting up the events in KOTOR II.
Also, I wanted to put a huge THANK YOU! to all the people leaving feedback, especially Cat since she leaves feedback on every chapter and helps me grow the story by pointing out where I go wrong (yes, Dustil's hair was darkbrown, so um, he went to a hairstylist and dyed it? Errr, um, maybe he decided darkbrown was too Sithlike and decided sandy was a better look? Seriously though, I was just a dork and remembered his hair wrong.) So, thanks all!
We're going to get out of the first few months shortly, I promise.