So here I am, bringing you an old fic of mine that I've decided to translate into english. I warn you since now, English is not my mother tongue, I'm from Mexico so mostly I write in spanish, some time I do it in english, just to keep practicing my language and my translation skills, not for anything else.
Dislcaimer (the so called author's rights): The characters belong toYoko Matsushita... and the only reason for why they are here is because I've kidnaped them momentanely to write about them without getting anything out of it but personal enterntainment (and hopefully the entertainment of some of the readers)
One more step
by Uyuki
Is the fifth time that you smile in 5 minutes, I still don't know how you do it. You always seem so serene with all that surrounds you that is almost impossible to take you seriously. Sometimes I wonder if you know that you're breaking inside.
It's something that Tatsumi couldn't stand, it's something that hurts me because I know that I can't fix it anyway, and it's something you're trying to forget, showing happiness and carelesness to everything and everyone.
You have no idea how much I envy you for that.
Because it's easy for me to show a cold attitude so that no one can getinto my deepest feelings and hurt me, I can't remember when was the last time I smiled or enjoyed someone elses company... until you came.I didn't like you in the begining, smiling to everyone even whenyou couldn't do itin the inside seemed a hipocresy from you, and that irritating tendence of you to overprotect me from everything was unbearable... and however, the times in which you pretend not to worry about me or just let me do whatever I wanted to made me feel lonely... I felt that you were punishing me for being so mean to you.
We've being partners for two years now, and there's sometimes when I wishmy appearance would change, so that you stop seeing me as a child, because even when you don't call me like that anymore, I know that in your mind nothing has changed.
I see you getting out of the office, like you do when you're bored and want to run away from work, leaving me all the paperwork... not that I care about it, as long as you keep the smile I've got used to and that without it I can't be calm.
How did I get myself into this situation? How is possible that, knowing that you love me, I'm not capable of answering back to you? It's only three words, so simple that they come out from you everytime you see me... nevertheless, I can't get them farther than my troat.
I didn't realise when you came back into the room because I was lost in my thoughts, but I did see a big cup of coffe with milk appearing in my desk out of the blue, just in front ot me. I raised my eyes and therewere you, but you weren't smiling... you seemed worried. Wasit because ofme?
"Hisoka."
"Nanda?"
"Are you feeling all right? you don't seem to be concentrated."
I hate when you know that something is upsetting me, mainly because I can't do the same when you hold a barrier that my empaty can't tresspass in anyway, no matter how hard I try.
"I'm ok."
"Hisoka."
"Nanda?"
"I love you."
You've got an empty answer again, I guess that you've come to interpret the my silence as a "I know", but you've never told me anything. Now I'm blushing, and is no use trying to hide it from you when youalready noticed.
"Get back to work."
"Why?"
"Because you can't just leave me everything to me and-"
Your fingerwas on my lips, shutting me up like no one has dare to do because of the look I could give them... or because of the feelings that my pass to my body, I kept silence and took the cup you left before in my desk.
"Why do you keep trying to shove me away? Why do you keep denying that you love me with your silence? Why did you ask me to stay beside you when you don't seem to even care about it? Why don't you let me go if you don't need my cares or my words?"
All that sincerity and pain in your voice made alump in my throat, I left the cup and stand up to leave the room, I couldn't handle so much pressure over me,not even to mentionhaving to confront you in anyway. I didn't want to hurt you more, and frankly I didn't feel like answering any kind of question, or let you see tears coming into my eyes.
But your handhold my arm tightly stopping me from leaving. I didn't push you, nor did I try to escape or everything would have got out of control.
"Hisoka."
"Answer me please... I hate when you're silent. I hate that you don't explain anything to me or that you don't let me help you. I hate to know that you love me but never hear it from you. Why do you do it? Why don't you...?"
"Because I'm afraid of loosing you and being so in lovewith you that I justend up getting hurt!"
That scream startled you. You knew I was talking about what happend with my family, because I hardly went out of home so I never had experimented love in my short life. Nevertheless, see me crying startled you even more, I know because I notice that you went pale... thanks goodness you were decent enough not to ask anymore, you just limit yourself to embrace me with your arms, letting me know that you were there for me, no matter what. That you would let me scream and cry as long as I wish, that you would be by my side no matter how I could treat you.
"Don't worry, if that's what is bothering you it doesn't matter, sorry for worrying and pressuring you, I never meant to make you cry. I'm sorry."
I didn't let outmore tears, my proud and the few dignity I still had left didn't let me to... but I couldn't put a stop to it either, so I let you hug me and comfort me, withoutputting my barriers down so you couldn't penetrate into my feelings. In a while, I felt much better.
"Is it over?"
"Yeah... thanks."
You smiled again as usual, I felt the blood rushing into my cheeks, youare the onlypersonthat arouse that effects on my body, and I can't really explain how or why.
"You look cute when you blush."
I didn't answer back, but I didn't need to, in my head the thought of loosing you because of my lack of attention was so strong that scared me. Itfrightened methat you might get tired of being with a person that didn't caretelling you something nice. That you get tired of giving me attentions without even getting a smile in return. That you get tired to say I love you without a satisfactory answer. That you get tired ofput up withme every day and night, with my long silences or my reading habits when I don't even look at you. That someday you didn't have the will to say all that beautiful things that you say to me because you knew I'll never answer back what you wanted... what you needed. All that feelingsrushed into my head and suddenly I was convinced that I didn't want any of that happening... I didn't want them to become a reality, because then, I knew that my will toexist would be over too... and no matter how much we got apart from each other, we will resent it.
No, that could never happen!... I wasn't going to allow it.
I got closer to you and I put my arms around your neck, kissing you in the lips with a passion that I wasn't aware of... I could feel a wave of happiness coming from you, a wave that forced you to put your arms around my waist to keep me closer and kiss me even more comfortably. At last, I was giving you the kiss you had waited for two years, and now you could be sure I was never going to leave you. I was also sure that you would always be there for me.
I wish that moment had lasted all my life, and we had plenty of it, but the air was becoming important and we had to set apart.
"Hisoka... you."
I noded, the words weren't coming out of my throat, not because I was scared, but because of the emotions I was feeling... I knew you'vegot the message anyway.
"You love me?"
I nod again, this time with a little smile on my face. That made you evenhappier than all the sweets in the world and you kissed me again, I didn't refuse it of course. I was getting what Idesired all my life. Love.
My smile hadn't fade yet and you were pleased with that, you were so pleased that you started working as I asked from you earlier, I get back to my desk and sat back to do my own work, with the taste of your lips in my mouth, and my lips forming a "u"
It was a smile that only you would be able to see.
END