Authors Notes!
Wait a second…no…no we're good to go.
BOYFRIENDS SUCK!
"Is Mousse alright?" Akane asked.
"Guess so. Don't know what happened to him though." Female Ranma poked Mousse's ribs. "Maybe Shampoo finally kicked him out."
Soun stepped out onto the deck, "Well he's not staying here." Genma, still a panda, held a sign that read 'Yeah, we already have enough mouths to feed!'
"Yeah, and yours counts for three mouths!" Ranma pointed out to his father as Mousse began to stir. "Hey, hurry and wake up so you can get out of here!" she prodded him.
"Ranma, don't be so hard on him. He's just gotten dumped after all!" Akane scolded.
Mousse lifted himself up. "I haven't been dumped! And where am I?" He squinted, looking at Ranma. "Cologne? Is that you?"
Ranma put the missing glasses on Mousse's face. "Geez, ever heard of contacts?"
Mousse didn't seem to hear her, and his eyes widened. "Ran…ma?"
"What? You really thought I was the Old Ghoul?" She frowned. "It's really not that big a deal, you know."
"But it IS a big deal!" Mousse insisted, leaning in dangerously close to Ranma. "How could you even say that when I…when I love you so much!" He embraced her in a tight hug.
For a few seconds the room was filled with a stunned silence. When Ranma finally realized what was going on she punched Mousse across the yard. "What are you goin' on about? Are you in denial over Shampoo?"
"Shampoo who?" Mousse wondered out loud as he picked himself off the ground. "I don't need to wash my hair now."
"Not that kind of shampoo!" Akane shouted at him, more than a little flustered. "You know…she's the girl you've been in love with since you were kids."
Mousse thought a moment as he walked over to Ranma, "Hmmm…doesn't ring a bell. The only girl I can ever love…" he spread his arms wide, "is this Red Haired Beauty!" Mousse attempted to kiss Ranma, but got punched…this time by Akane.
"Thanks…" Ranma narrowed her eyes at Mousse.
Akane then turned on Ranma, "What did you do?"
"What? I didn't do anything!"
"C'mon! You must have done something! This kind of stuff is always your fault!"
"I'm telling you, I had nothing to do with it!"
"Then what happened?" Akane wondered. Mousse crawled over to Ranma and wrapped his arms around her waste.
"Obviously he's either insane or he was enraptured by my great beauty." Ranma smirked and flicked back her pigtail.
"This isn't something you should be proud of!"
"What? You think I ASK for all these admirers? Dealing with you is hard enough!" Ranma complained as she tried to remove Mousse.
"Well…" Akane smiled in a way that Ranma knew was too happy to be true. She picked Ranma up by her shirt collar and kicked both her and Mousse off through the roof into the air.
"I HOPE YOU'RE BOTH HAPPY TOGETHER!" She shouted after them.
"What's her problem?" Ranma asked as he soared through the air.
"Don't worry; I won't let any harm befall you!" Mousse grabbed Ranma up; back in one arm and her legs in his other arm.
"Hands off!" Ranma kicked him away.
Meanwhile, Tatewaki Kuno was making his way to the Tendo Dojo, a bouquet of assorted flowers in hand. "It is decided. For no matter how much I love both the Pigtailed Girl and Akane Tendo…I must set them free! " He declared. "It is also time to end my silly rivalry with Saotome. Perhaps, we could even be friends."
After taking a few more steps, Kuno felt something hard hit his head. "What is this that has fouled my head?" Mousse fell from his perch on Kuno's head onto the ground. "Disgusting. Is it even human?"
Just then he heard a crash and turned around to see the Pigtailed Girl in a pile of trashcans at the curb. "Oh Pigtailed Girl! What horrible fate has befallen you?" Kuno ran towards the girl.
"What?" Ranma said and she pulled herself from the trash. "Oh great! Not you!" Kuno gasped. "What, you know? Oh forgive me pigtailed girl!"
"Eh?"
"Do not think it is your fault, for we are like grape vines that have grown intertwined, but now they have become so tight that we are being suffocated…it is too much to bear. We can not go on this way!"
"Do you even hear yourself when you talk?" Ranma stood up and pulled an old wrapper out of her hair. "Look, can we do this some other time; I'm a little busy right now."
"I know it's hard, but just know that I will always love you!" Kuno looked into Ranma's eyes. "Perhaps, just one last kiss."
But someone beat him too it.
Ranma had his guard up ready to block against Kuno and had not expected Mousse's sudden intervention. It was a second before she realized what was happening and punched Mousse hard into the wall of the street. "YOU! YOU PERVERT!" She screeched ready to knock Mousse senseless.
"How dare you touch the innocent lips of the Pigtailed Girl!" Kuno yelled, drawing his wooden sword. Mousse stood up with a large purple bruise on his face, "What's wrong with kissing my girlfriend?" he asked glaring. "Gir…girlfriend?" Kuno stammered.
"You are not my boyfriend!" Ranma screamed. Kuno stared at Ranma. "Pigtailed Girl…you still care. How could I have ever though of…we must be together!"
"You're not my boyfriend either!" Ranma yelled, eye twitching.
"Don't worry my Red Haired Beauty!" Mousse proclaimed. "I'll protect you from him!" and he stepped in front of Ranma. "Stay away from my Pigtailed Girl!" Kuno swung his sword at Mousse who dodged. "You will not come between us!" Kuno proclaimed.
"I'll come between whatever I please!" Mousse threw out his arms and an assortment of knifes flew at Kuno, who was able to dodge because of Mousse's bad aim (Could have been rid of Kuno if he'd worn his glasses…damn him).
"Don't worry, sweetie!" Mousse cried out happily as he drew back to punch his new rival. "I'll protect you from this vulgar creature!"
"I will not allow you to come between the Pigtail girl and myself!" Kuno jumped forward and swung his sword around madly. "I challenge you! To a contest! A contest of strength, of skill…to determine who is more worthy of the Pigtail Girl's love!"
"What sort of contest?"
"I just said it would be a contest of strength and skill."
"No, I mean how will we battle?"
"Oh. Clearly we are matched in martial arts, so we must decide another way!"
"I used to be on a softball team."
"Softball? I will not degrade myself to such a lowly sport! How about cricket?"
"What? What the heck is cricket?"
"Tis a game of true sportsmanship! If you do not even know the game, then it would be unfair to challenge you."
"Um…okay. Then how about…golf!"
"Ah, yet another good game! That is…if you have the drive!"
"Ugh! I hate golf puns!" Ranma grunted to herself as she walked away. Luckily for her both Kuno and Mousse didn't even notice that who they were fighting for was just casually strolling away.
BACK AT THE TENDO DOJOAkane was boiling a kettle of water, just knowing that Ranma would need it soon. "I don't know why I even bother to help that guy."
"I hope he gets back before his lunch gets cold." Kasumi said. Genma, Soun and Nabiki were all sitting around the table eating while Kasumi had gone to the kitchen to check on Akane. "Do you think we should set a place for Mousse too?"
"How should I know? Maybe Ranma will stay out for a few hours, and then I can finally have some peace!" Akane groaned. "If Ranma doesn't want to deal with me, then I don't want to deal with him!"
"Akane…the pot…" Kasumi pointed towards the stove where the water was foaming and boiling over the side.
"Ahh!" Akane turned the stove off but it was still spilling over, so she moved the pot off the burner, spilling a little. "Ouch! That's hot!"
"Geez, I though you would at least be able to boil water!" Ranma walked into the kitchen.
Akane glared at her. Kasumi took two steps towards him, "Oh Ranma, you're back. Is Mousse here too?" she asked.
"Well we ran into Kuno and they're out there arguing about who my boyfriend is." Ranma muttered indignantly. "I don't get it! Mousse knows I turn into a girl!"
"I always knew that Mousse was a strange one…if you know what I mean." Nabiki commented to no on in particular.
"You should go see Cologne." Kasumi suggested. "I'm sure she'll know what to do."
"Not sure about that." Ranma, as always, was reluctant to visit the old bat. "How do we know this isn't all part of another one of her schemes to get me with Shampoo?"
"By making Mousse fall in love with you?" Kasumi asked.
"It could happen." Ranma insisted.
Akane snorted. She had been busing herself with the water that didn't really need tending. "Hey, Akane, if you want to say something then say it. You've been really quiet."
"Its cause I'm mad at you! Idiot!"
"Me? What did I do?"
"You don't even know!" Akane took the kettle off the burner (with oven mitts) and walked towards the sink. "Fine! You can stay a girl! Your water is going down the drain!"
"You dummy! I can just get hot water from the faucet. Why did you bother to boil it?" Ranma made a face at Akane.
"Oh the hot water heater's broken." Kasumi said.
Ranma froze.
Akane shook with anger. "Do you really think I'm THAT stupid?"
"Of-of course not Akane." Ranma stammered, suddenly changing her tune. "I uh, really do appreciate you boiling the water." Akane continued to glare at Ranma. He needed to think fast before he lost the water. "Have you lost weight?"
Akane raised an eyebrow. "Is that supposed to be an apology?"
"Come on! I really need that hot water!"
She sighed; this is probably the best she would get. "Fine. Here you go."
"Great! Then-AAAAHHH" Ranma didn't finish because at that moment Kuno had smashed through the kitchen ceiling, leaving debris scattered around. "Saotome! I know you are harboring the Pigtailed Girl! I demand you release her or face the wrath of Takewaki Kuno!" He cried through the house, not noticing Ranma, Akane or Kasumi.
"Oh my." Kasumi said. "Father will have to fix the roof again."
"What makes you automatically think I have her?" Ranma yelled.
"Pigtailed Girl! I am here to rescue you!" Kuno hugged her tightly. "Nothing will ever come between us again!" It was then that Mousse made a second hole in the ceiling.
He staggered around and faced Kasumi. "If you think you can get away with breaking my glasses then you've got another thing coming!"
"Mousse, I'm sure I did nothing of the sort."
"Don't play innocent! You were trying to steal my Red Haired Beauty away from me! But you never will!" He flung himself at Akane. "Our love is too pure!"
"Ahh! Not me you idiot!" Akane screamed. The kettle flew into the air, pouring hot water all over everyone.
"That's better." Ranma said. But Kuno hadn't even looked at him. "Infidel! How dare you try to steal away Akane Tendo as well as the innocent Pigtailed Girl!"
"Uh, hello!"
Kuno looked down at Ranma and pushed him away. "Ranma Saotome! What have you done with the Pigtailed Girl?"
"She left; you better go and find her." Ranma said, exasperated.
"You mean she fled when you came in the room! What have you done to her?"
"Oh come on! Can't you just get out of here?"
"Wait you're not my Red Haired Beauty!" Mousse suddenly exclaimed, noticing he was hugging Akane.
"Gee, ya think?" She pushed him towards Ranma. "He's right here!"
"Akane! Don't!" Ranma shouted.
"Where?" Mousse asked urgently.
Akane pushed Mousse's cracked glasses in down in front of his eyes. "Right here in front of you!"
"All I see is Ranma."
"Uh…yeah."
"I am looking for my Red Haired Beauty. I don't have time to bother with Ranma right now."
They were silent for a moment. "You don't remember I change into a girl?" Ranma asked.
"Of course I do! Do you think I'm stupid! Just like I change into a duck."
"So you were looking for me then."
"No, the Red Haired Beauty."
"That I change into."
"Yes."
"So I'm right here."
"Pardon?"
"You were looking for me!" Ranma said angrily.
"No. The Red Haired Beauty."
"But I am her!"
"Do you have a point? You are wasting my time when I could be searching for my Red Haired Beauty."
"BUT I'M RIGHT HERE!"
"I wasn't looking for you!" Mousse said, exasperated. "Why can't you understand me?"
"YOU'RE THE ONE WHOS DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND!"
"Ranma. Breath." Akane patted him on the back, even though she was nearly as frustrated as he was. Ranma calmed only slightly. "He's gone off the deep end!"
"This is a waste of time." Kuno steeped in. "Ranma, I demand that you tell me where you are keeping the Pigtailed Girl!"
"You have hidden my Red Haired Beauty?" Mousse yelled. "You fiend! I never thought you would sink so low! Keeping young women against their will!"
"Oh come on!" Ranma groaned.
Kuno gasped. "Yes. Though she may be innocent the Pigtailed Girl is far too clever to be fooled by one such as Saotome."
"What!"
"Will you two be staying for lunch?" Kasumi asked.
"I'm afraid not Ms. Tendo." Kuno said. "I am off to find the Pigtailed Girl before this scoundrel can do her anymore harm!"
"As am I! Ranma shall never lay a finger on her!" Mousse exclaimed.
"Then it would seam we have a common goal." Kuno said. "I propose a temporary alliance to defend the Pigtailed Girl!"
"Yes, but only till she is back with us." Mousse said threateningly. "Then we a rivals once again."
"Agreed. Now we must find her!"
Kuno and Mousse ran off down the hallway where there were the sounds of things breaking and wood cracking as they broke through the front door.
"Get back here!" Akane yelled after them, but they were gone.
"Are you crazy! Let them go!" Ranma insisted.
"Ranma, they're out there looking for you. And something is wrong with Mousse, we can't just let him wonder around!"
"Why not? I'm sure he'll be fine."
"I can't believe you're not going to do anything about this! You're so selfish!" Akane ran down the hallway after Mousse and Kuno. "I'll find him myself."
"Akane wait!" Ranma sighed. "Oh all right! I'm coming! Happy now?" He yelled as he ran after her.
"Be careful you two! Try to be home in time for dinner!" Kasumi called after them.
MEANWHILE, IN THE STREETS OF NERMIA"You can't hide from me my love!" Ryoga chanted and crept around the convenience store Shampoo had run into.
Shampoo snuck around the isles trying to keep out of Ryoga's sight. She had been running from him for nearly three hours but couldn't afford to take a break. Not since that crazy pixie had turned on her.
"Shampoo, don't make this harder than it is." Puck said from behind her.
"EEAAAHHH!" She smacked Puck away. "Stay away from me!"
"I found you sweetie!" Ryoga rounded the bend at top speed and caught Shampoo in a hug. "Don't touch me pervert!" She screamed and punched Ryoga to the ground.
"Now sweetie, don't tease me so much." Ryoga sat up. "Don't think I won't remember when we're married!" He said happily.
"NO!" Shampoo started taking some medication boxes off the shelf and throwing them at Ryoga, but he was standing up anyway. "No need to worry, I'm not sick!"
Shampoo kept throwing stuff at him, including a cereal display with samples. Milk flew all over the place.
"Miss! What are you doing!" An employee ran up.
"Protecting myself!" She hadn't stopped and was now throwing eggs at Ryoga.
"Miss, please stop!"
"You can't tell my wife what to do!" Ryoga yelled. He was a real mess, covered in food and cough syrup.
"I'm going to have to ask you both to leave!" The store employee yelled.
"Are you hitting on her?" Ryoga yelled and grabbed the clerk's shirt by the collar.
"What? What the hell makes you think that? I want you and your wife out of here!"
"We not married!" Shampoo screamed and picked up a whole isle and swung it around.
"AAAYYY!" The clerk screamed like a little girl.
Shampoo smacked in down on Ryoga and the clerk. "That get him!"
"Shampoo you must consent to your Great Grandmother's will!" Puck flew at her again.
"You know nothing!" Shampoo insisted and ran from the store with Puck in hot pursuit. "She only wants what's best for you!" He insisted.
"I tell you! That not the right guy!"
"Did you miss me sweetie?" Ryoga jumped in front of her from out of nowhere.
"AAHHH!" Shampoo shouted in frustration. She didn't stop but ran right over Ryoga trampling him to the ground, his face in the asphalt.
"She's shy." Ryoga giggled to Puck.
"Uh, yeah." Puck said as they ran after her once again. "Shampoo! You are being unreasonable!"
'UNREASONABLE?" She picked up a street cart and threw it at them. (Much to its owner's dismay.)
"AH!" Puck yelled. "She's so silly." Ryoga cooed right when it hit them.
"Great! Now I going home!" She turned so quickly and eagerly that she didn't see the lamppost (with a sign on it that said 'watch out for lamppost') and smacked right into it. Hard.
"Oooaaahhhh." She grumbled as she fell back unconscious.
Ryoga pushed the cart off himself and stood up, though Puck was still pretty messed up. "Sweetie! Where have you gone?" He gasped when he saw her.
"My love! What happened to you?" He ran to her side and took her hand in his. Puck flew over in a zig zag pattern, trying to clear his vision. "Wha… What happened to her?"
"She has fallen suddenly ill!" Ryoga cried, tears steaming down his face.
"Oh, that's too bad." Puck said sympathetically. Then he smiled. "But good for us!" He took his flower and blew some pollen in her face.
AngelicDemnX: You know…what WAS Akane so angry about?
Shakespeare: Why am I even here?
PrincessRose: Um…it was convenient for the story?
AngelicDemnX: Works for me. Just as long as people don't think that we're Akane bashers or anything.
Shakespeare: I hate you both.
PrincessRose: Yeah, this is just supposed to be funny…so please don't take it seriously.
AngelicDemnX: Not even in the slightest.
Shakespeare: You're just putting me in here to fill up space, aren't you?
AngelicDemnX: Well, that's all I have to say. To the next chapter, then?
Shakespeare: You're not even writing my lines right! People in Olde English times didn't talk like this!
PrincessRose: Right-o! See ya next time!