Does she honestly think I don't notice that she's not even listening to me? I don't even know why I try so hard to impress her. She's so good at what she does; I was just trying to show her that we had a moment in common. I thought she'd be pleased about the flower shop connection. At least, I thought it was pretty good.
Why was she looking at me like I killed her cat? I wonder if she has a cat… Hello Alex, not the point! God she must really hate me. I can't understand why though. I was never mean to her. Sure, I have a strict front but is she really that blind? What kind of detective can't see past a personal wall? Every perp that walks through her interrogation room door has a personal wall. No one faces the world without a defense. Sometimes it feels like Olivia IS my world, so in that case, my defense is made of iron. Like I care if Cregan is the first to know my find! I not only just found the perfect excuse to start my day with a dose of detective, I actually figured something really dyer out!
Oh no, what if I made her feel stupid or something? Here I am, going on about how I figured it out and she's been starring at the same notes, day and night for a week. Now I feel like a complete ass. Way to louse things up Cabot. I should go out there and say something to her. I should make this right somehow. Of course, I haven't the faintest idea how to do that. I'm a lawyer; shouldn't quick thinking and fixes come naturally to me? I guess in the ways she isn't being a detective to figure out that I am transfixed with her; I am as much to blame – being a counselor and failing to persuade her to find trust in my side of things. My job is to make a bunch of people believe in what I say. Why can't Olivia take my side? We are both so off track here.
I exit the bathroom with my only game plan consisting of the fact that when I see Olivia, something will pop into my head to say to her. Of course, my plan has failed already considering both Elliot and Olivia are no where in sight.
'Where did those two go?' I look to Munch and hope he can't detect the disappointment in my eyes. I always get anxious when I ask of Olivia's whereabouts. I'm always sure that someone will catch on. I'm also sure that even though I always refer to the detectives as a pair, everyone knows I'm really asking about Olivia. Maybe I'm just paranoid. My curiosity always gets the best of me.
'The scene of the crime Ms. Cabot,' Munch is looking at me like I'm a fool. That's probably why he added, 'the flower shop. That IS why you are here this morning, remember?' Oh God, way to look suspicious.
'Oh, I'm sorry John,' I sigh and touch my forehead. I lie and tell him I got little sleep last night over all of this and that my brain is in a number of places.
I pick my briefcase off of the chair adjacent to Olivia's desk and hurry out of the 1-6 before I really slip and announce my little girl crush on Detective Benson.
Back at my building my day seems to go the same way as it always does; painfully slow and full of criticism. I'm no celebrity but sometimes my life is in the spotlight so much I feel as though I could be Michael Jackson. I'd ask why everyone fine-tooth combs my life and my decisions but I already know the answer. I deal with people's freedoms everyday. Their freedom's of life or death, or their freedom to co-exist with the rest of the world. I would never downplay the sensitivity of the subject but it leaves little room for error on my part. I'm too young to have had an ulcer right? I had that one last year over my career after the Cheryl Avery's case. Of course, that's when I began to notice Olivia. She seemed to watch over me during that time. She hovered uncharacteristically close. No one's really watched out for me before. Thank god she did because I might have gone off the deep end if she hadn't.
It's settled then; the little pieces of free time I have today will be spent finding a way back to the precinct to show Olivia in some small way that I'm not as bad as I seem. In the mean time, this paper work is getting out of hand. I really need to start focusing...