I took a life today... I took someone's life from them. What right did I have to do that? Badge or not, I am not God or anything. Not that I believe in him that much anyway, after the things I see everyday.
She would have shot me. She had already killed Susan. Susan didn't deserve that, she was so sweet. She was a little misguided that's all. It was my job to take out Madison for setting that bullet out after me. I was lucky. I could have died. What's my life worth anyway? It's not like I have family; other than Elliot... No, I can't sit here feeling sorry for myself, or for Madison. We all made our decisions. Madison decided to kill her co-conspirator and then attempt to kill me. Lucky for me, she's a horrible shot.
Then there's Alex. Even in all this chaos in my mind and in my heart, my mind finds it's way back to her. Damn her. She looked like she was going to hug me when we spoke tonight. Why didn't she? Having her arms around me would have made a world of difference. I would have told her anything she wanted to know, as long as she just held me. No body holds me anymore. We all try to act like rocks; emotionless and unattached. The thing is, we're still human. As much as I try to be a tough guy, sometimes it just comes down to the fact that I'm a girl. I'm a girl who fights crime. Sometimes it gets scary out there and I want someone to comfort me. I'm so tired of the phrase, "you were just doing your job." Those words mean nothing to me. They don't punish the perps and they don't bring justice to the victims. This is shit. I told Alex I was going home just so she would go away. It's obvious she's going to remain awkward around me and the anxiousness that surrounds her is not something I want to deal with right now. I grab my jacket and head to the bar.
I sit in the seat I occupy every Friday night on the end of the bar. It's sort of secluded so I can think about the week that's unfolded behind me. Jim dishes out the usual for me and I drink it faster than normal. He knows to keep them coming when I'm in this kind of a mood. I'm there for an hour before I feel a hand on my arm. I jerk it away before even looking at who it is, because when I'm drunk, I'm angry. When I look up, I see blue eyes searching my face with a soft expression. What's Alex doing here? Why does she look so normal?
'I thought you were going home.' What is she my mom? Why is everyone always telling me what I should do? Okay she's not really telling me what to do. I can't even think straight right now.
'Obviously I didn't make it.' I said that really harsh but right now I just don't care about anything.
'Olivia, I'm not the enemy here. Let me help you if I can.' She put her hand back on my arm and her skin is alarmingly soft; considering I thought she was made of granite. Maybe Alex has a heart after all.
As if my mind has completely shut down, I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what to say or do as I just look at her face. She's so beautiful. Any normal person would be ecstatic that the woman they secretly love is standing in front of them in a time like this offering her help. However, I'm no normal person. I try so hard to be mad but even in my drunken stupor I can see she really does want me to get off that stool and go home and rest.
I'm drunker than I realize when I go to stand and topple into her arms. Our bodies are pressed together and I try to pull myself up so I don't knock her over but my limbs feel like lead. She guides my arm around her neck and takes me outside. I can feel her hair under my hand and it's silky. I never thought I'd ever get this close to her. I have to admit, it's the first time all night that Madison is far from my mind.
Aw, she's hailing a cab. She's going to leave me alone with my thoughts. At least in the bar I was surrounded by people. At home I'm left to my own devices. I don't want to think about this. I don't want to think about anything. My mind is floating in and out and I suddenly feel exhausted as I stand there, leaning on Alex for support.
When the cab pulls up Alex helps me in as if I were on my way home from the hospital. Who would've thought she could be so caring? I certainly didn't see this coming. As a matter of fact, she's getting in beside me and giving the driver my address. I didn't see that coming either. How does she know my address?
"Alex, how... did you know?" I stumble over my words but she knows what I'm talking about. She shushes me and I slide sideways when we hit a bump and the rest of the ride we sit shoulder to shoulder.
I keep dozing off and Alex keeps touching my face telling me to stay awake and that we're almost home. Home? If only!
"You mean sad, lonely apartment you're going to dump me in! Look! There it is now!" I say pointing out the window on her side of the cab. My arm bounces off her nose as we stop and she gently guides it back down to my side. She pays the cab driver and tells me it's time to get out.
"Would you like me to stay? Would it make you feel better?" I can't believe she just asked me that.
"Of course it would!" I said that with frustration like she should've known. It just fell out of my mouth and then I remember that Alex had no knowledge of my interest in her. What if she figures me out now? Oh well, I'm not supposed to care; remember?
Standing outside my door I tried to get my key in the lock but I can't make it. "Do they have to make the key hole so small?" I'm so frustrated. Alex asks if she could do it for me and takes the keys and let's us both in. She's never seen my apartment so I don't blame her for looking a little bit surprised. It's lived in, that's all I'll say. I'm not a slob, I just don't have time to clean. I know that's not a crime. Ha, I would know too.
"Where is your bedroom Liv?" Wow. I never thought I'd hear Alex say those words. Of course, a lot is happening tonight that I never thought would happen. I just realized she called me Liv. Shit, she can call me whatever she wants. It's Alex for Christ's sake. I point down the hall and my eye lids feel so incredibly heavy.
I sit on the side of my bed and I try to take my coat off but somehow I get tangled. She silently helps me and takes it down off my arms. I point to my feet like a little kid and she gets down on one knee to untie my boots. The same boots that I choose over her high heels. I notice that hers are not on her feet anymore anyhow. She must've kicked them off at the door.
'Would you like me to wait until you fall asleep to leave?' She moves and talks so cautiously around me, as if I were a ticking time bomb. She reminds me of myself, when I would take care of my mother. The memory triggers tears immediately and I fall forward and wrap my arms around her neck without hesitation.
She must be shocked because it takes her a minute to bring her arms up around my back. I can't help but sob on her. Terrible thoughts run through my head and I spit them out of my mouth in hopes they will disappear.
'I'm turning into a horrible person... I'm going down a path I used to despise as a child. I'm a drunken fool, just like my fucking mother.' I can feel Alex's hand rubbing my back softly up and down. It just makes me cry harder. I can't even control myself. What's happening to me?
'I'm a drunken cop who murders people. That's why nobody loves me! That's why I live like this! I don't even understand my life anymore!' Am I even making sense? I'm pouring my heart and soul into Alex's shoulder and her lips linger dangerously close to my ear.
"No Olivia. I won't let you talk like that. You are a well respected and loved woman in this world and I won't have you saying otherwise. Those guys down at the 1-6 look at you like family. I see it everyday. They care about you so much. And I--" Oh my God, what was Alex about to say? I needed to know.
"And you?" I ask her through half opened eyes leaning back to look at her expression. She looked away but steadied my shoulders so I wouldn't fall backwards.
"Well I'm here, aren't I?" She's blushing.
"You're here," I realize the air is thick with sexual tension and the anticipation of someone breaking 'the' news.
She likes me.
I'm so blind. I just didn't ever expect someone like her to like me and here she is; blushing at my bedside.
I look to the window when I hear the summer thunder roll overhead. It's a hot night; not even a rain storm could cool these streets. She sighs heavily and it brings my attention back to her.
"You should get some rest." She gets caught in my eyes. I see it happen. She can't look away and I know she doesn't want to leave. I certainly don't want her too. Without thinking, I bring my hand up and hover it near her cheek. I then lightly drag my fingers from the corner of her brow, down to her chin. I can't stop myself. The street lights filtering in through my window create devastating shadows over her beautiful bone structure. She's holding her breath. She must be so scared right now. I probably would be too, had I not had so much to drink.
Lightning flashes outside and she jumps slightly. She goes to look out the window but my hands shoot up to her jaw and stop her.
"I want to look at you." What am I saying? I can't get enough of this moment. She's trying so hard not to look surprised. She's brave to look me right in the eye, I'll give her that.
The rain starts to fall out side and a warm breeze dances past her face and strands of hair follow. I brush them away and tuck them behind her ear and I notice a small smile on her face.
I pull her head forward and kiss her lightly. I sit there momentarily with our faces millimeters apart; my hands on her cheeks. Our eyes are closed and our lips are almost touching. "Stay." I manage. To my own surprise, I add, "I need you here tonight." Where did this bravery suddenly come from? I can't believe I'm asking her this. The room is quiet for a moment and all I can hear is her breathing. I feel soft puffs of air jump from my bottom lip to my chin. Me? I'm holding my breath. My heart is on fire, I could swear my life on it, but I don't move.
I open my eyes as she lets go of my shoulders and leans back away from my face. She rolls back on her heels and stands up. I wait for her to speak but she doesn't. She's going to leave. I know she is. This was too much, too fast.
She smiles kindly down at me as if to say, 'thanks but no thanks dear, you're talking like that because you're drunk.' She turns to the bedroom door and quietly walks out. I hear the front door lock but not open.
She appears in the door way and I watch her remove her blazer. A loud crash of thunder startles me and I gasp loudly. She laughs softly at me and reaches down to remove her knee high's. She pushes her skirt dangerously high and I'm enjoying the view more than she could ever imagine. Her legs are long and toned and I just want to reach out and touch them, seeing as I don't seem to be holding back this evening.
'Clothes,' I mumble to her. I'm trying to tell her to change. I point to the dresser and announce, 'bottom draw.'
She wanders over and pulls a t-shirt and two pairs of shorts out. She tosses me the shirt and shorts. She unbuttons her cotton blouse to reveal a pink camisole. The lightning flashes across the room and I watch her turn her attention to the invisible zipper on the side of her skirt. I can't bring myself to look away. She slides off the skirt and the length of her legs seems to double. The sight of her is incredible. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. She turns her head slowly to look my way and I look away fast. I'm not completely obvious or anything. I struggle with my belt as I think to myself that the image of Alex in her underwear will stay with me forever.
I can't seem to get the belt anywhere near to off and Alex reaches down to help me. I feel like I should hold my breath because my heart is beating so hard I have a feeling she can hear it.
"Stand up, come on." She's driving me crazy when all she's trying to do is help me get to bed. Parts of me wish I didn't drink tonight so I would be more mobile but then again, my time at the bar is what led her all the way home with me in the first place.
I steady myself against her as I find the strength to step into the shorts. She straightens up and I feel the room spin as i fall against her yet again. Her strength surprises me for such a delicate looking woman. A delicate looking woman, who tries desperately to not look delicate at all.
I sloppily drag my arms around her neck and pull her close to me as tight as I can. She gasps, because in all our slow and careful movement, this seems completely abrupt. I am so thankful for her presence right now. I wouldn't want anyone else in the world here beside me.
"Thank you so much Alex." My whisper is raspy and lined with sorrow and she holds on strong to my body.
"It's nothing Liv." She's wrong. She's so wrong.
"It's everything. It mean's everything Alex." I think my heart stopped for a moment when I said that to her. I had never been so vulnerable in all my life. Yet with Alex here in my arms, my reputation didn't mean a thing to me. All that mattered was that she was standing there with me. She was there, caring right back. I know she's going to stay tonight, and hopefully more nights to follow.