Part Six: Alex
The smell of vodka lingers on her whispering words when she tells me to stay. I can't believe she kissed me. I know that wasn't just a thing that happened because she was upset and drinking. No. The way she touched my face… no ones ever touched me like that. Like I was made of glass. The only people that come close to me are the men I have busied myself with in the past. The last one, being Trevor. But among all the men I've dated or fooled around with, none of them made me feel the way Olivia has tonight. They all assumed I was a no beating around the bush kind of girl and just went for what they wanted. I guess with them it was just about sex. But I thought that's what relationships were like. You put up with men because men are men. You marry a man, you build a home and a family, you have kids and you have a man in your life. It's what I know. It's how I was raised. It's how society raised me and in my life, society seemed so important. I say 'seemed' because I don't want to live my life just tolerating men. I hold my ground so well, I'm so confident, I know what I'm doing. But here, this woman makes me blush! I don't blush! I think I would give anything to have her make me feel that way again. If this is what a couple hours of friendship feels like, I can only imagine how wonderful it would feel to be hers.
Olivia was just barely my friend yesterday and today I'm in her apartment helping her to bed. She makes me shy for some reason. Also, not a Cabot trait. My mother raised me wonderfully I think. She was strict. She didn't always say she loved me, and she didn't really hug me… or touch me at all for that matter. But my mother taught me how to deal with the harsh realities of the world. Now, Olivia touches my face and cries on my shoulder and I almost don't know what to do. No one's really trusted me enough to lay down their demons in front of me. However, I'm no fool. I know Olivia. She's like me. I know that we deal with the worlds ugliness in a lot of the same ways. We hold it all in. Being here tonight has opened all these doors in my mind. Suddenly I'm thinking of all the things I want from this woman in front of me and I'm actually scared that she could reject me. I've never really had that problem, I was the one to hand out the dating pink slips. It was really no skin off my nose but right now I care so much. I can feel Olivia's tears congregate on my shoulder and her face is hot against my skin. She's talking about the saddest things and for once, I feel so strongly for her. This overwhelming feeling takes over, like her sadness could wipe out a whole country and it is my job to stop it. How odd. My mind is spinning as these new feelings and sensations take over.
Olivia has stopped talking. She isn't making any sound for that matter. She begins to pull out of my arms and I ask her if she wants to lay down. She makes a pained face and bolts for the bathroom. Big girl has a weak stomach. I follow close behind and turn the light switch on. I hold her bangs back and rub her back. When she's able to pull her head out of the bowl she looks at me with have closed eyes and says, "I'm so tired of this life." All I can offer her for support are the words, "I know," because I can relate to her. I watch her reach for her tooth brush and she brushes her teeth on the floor and spits toothpaste into the toilet. I help her to her feet and the clock in the living room dings 2 a.m.
Her sheets are crisp, cool and feel good against my skin. They smell exotic, like the rest of the incense filled apartment. I notice burnt sticks in a holder by the bedside lamp and I think about how it makes the apartment more cozy and homelike. I look down at Olivia's caramel colored hair, disheveled, leaning against my chest and I think about how Olivia, herself, is extremely exotic. I guess I just didn't notice. Or I tried to tell myself I didn't. Her world seems so full of vibrant life and I feel like my world is dull and running on a irreversible schedule.
We are laying facing each other, she's curled up against me and I'm pretty sure she's sleeping. I watch her body rise and fall as she lays there silently. Even with her unconcious, I feel somewhat anxious about being so close to her. I'm slightly nervous about what the morning will bring but I push the thought out of mind. The thought of Olivia bringing a new flavor to my life fills my mind instead and as I revel in the thought of never leaving this bed, I feel sleep set in, and I soon fall asleep.