I can't believe this. I try to be a good friend and look what Olivia turns it into… Oh my God, what am I saying? I wished for this. I wished and I got it. I'm the one who dragged her out of the bar. Was I really doing it for her well being or for mine? I'm loosing sight of the real point here. Olivia was in pain and I was supposed to be helping her. Then we got caught up in the moment. Gees, listen to me.
The moment.
The cab weaves quickly through the streets as I realize just what's going on in my head. Hello Alexandra! I noticed Olivia the first moment I saw her. She was so different from the other women I had met. Something just drew me to her and I could never break that. I thought what I had was respect. Maybe that's just my cover word for adoration. Because that's what I think I have now. I feel like she's killing my façade. I'm on my way over there and I'm melting just thinking about it.
I have to be realistic thought. There are so many variables here. I've never been so torn in my life. On one hand, I think Olivia is amazing. I've always loved admiring her from afar but now that she's making it real… I don't know what to do with that. She seems so unafraid of this world. I suppose that's probably because she's embraced it, or lived with it for some time now. Me? I just realized what 'this world' is. I don't think I'm ready to admit that I might be part of it though. I never really put a name to this little crush. Although it seems it's not so little anymore because when she kissed me last night, I felt my body go numb. The only thing I could feel were her fingers on my face and her soft lips on mine. The thought makes me warm up inside on this chilly morning as I step out of the cab. But as I look up and read the sign above the door, I realize the reality that awaits in the 1-6. Olivia. My actions this morning were horribly unattractive and I owe her an apology. I've never been really good at those.
I walk in and Olivia's not in sight, but Elliot is and he whisks me into interrogation where I watch him work with Ricky. While they speak, my mind drifts back to Olivia. You know, she didn't need to get that upset this morning. Come to think of it, she was a bit cocky. Why does she have to be so thick headed sometimes? She's so sweet and innocent one second and then the next she acts like a man, whose pride has been scuffed. The stresses weave in and out of my brain as Elliot calls me back to attention with a soft push on my shoulder.
The day goes in and out as I find myself heading back down to the precinct, late afternoon for Munch and Fin. My mind has made its way to Olivia all day and I stress out about it every time. With all that's going on lately, I feel like things are spiraling out of control for me. Too many things out of place and I don't know what to do with that. I usually have everything figured out by now. But all of this leaves me at a standstill. I absolutely loath it.
Between the stresses of this past week and the running between offices, somewhere I forgot to eat today. I only realized it as I began to argue with Munch over his bizarre philosophy that would never make it by a judge. Suddenly I couldn't hear him speaking, all I could see was his lips moving fast. The room began to spin and I thought, at most I was going to throw up. Instead, my legs gave out and I fell against his desk. Things got fuzzy after that and I felt my body shaking violently as Munch guided me to his chair and sat me down.
"If you wanted me to listen to you, you could have just said that! I get the point Cabot! Sometimes I don't make sense…" He joked with me to lighten my mood as Elliot came out of the back room with some orange juice and a donut for me. I felt embarrassed at the how unprofessional it felt to be catered to. For being so weak in front of them. I'm just glad Olivia wasn't here to see. I don't too look like more of a fool in front of her than I already did this morning. Oddly enough she's been gone when I've been here. First she was out doing errands and collecting files. Ironically, I believe she's at lunch right now. I don't want to stick around though, I know the boys can't wait to tell her about this. However, I can't stop shaking and I'm sure if that donut comes anywhere near my mouth I'm going to be sick. This has been the worst day of my life.