Part Eleven: Olivia

That look… she looks so tired and humble. This just hasn't been our week. Now, what do I say to her? Congratulations? What's that about? What's going on with her? I suddenly feel like maybe I shouldn't be here.

"Hey… How are you feeling?" I have such an urge to ask about what that doctor had said in the hall but I felt it was not really my business.

"Not so good… You didn't have to come down here you know." She spoke quietly. If she had any anger left in her, it wasn't coming through. In fact, my own anger had subsided long before arriving here. I couldn't stay mad for long, especially at Alex.

"I wanted to make sure you were alright. You gave me… um, us… quite a scare down there." I don't know why I'm trying to hide my affections for her now, after all, she slept in my apartment last night. "Let me take you home." She simply nodded and followed me down the hall.

Outside the forecast hadn't changed. The day was gloomy and it was beginning to rain. I opened the door for her and she slipped in with a mumbled thank you. She asked if we could go back to the precinct first to pick up her belongings. After that, silence wafted through the unmarked cruiser. When the rain started she turned and looked at me. I didn't know what to say at that point, mainly because I wasn't sure what the hell was going on.

"I thought it could've been because I didn't eat lunch." She said simply.

"Huh? You mean about the fainting spell? I mean…" When I glanced at her she looked away. Her eyes fixed on the rapid movement of the windshield wipers.

"I'm sorry, Olivia…" Her voice cracked when she spoke. She has quickly changed the subject. But when she spoke my name my heart skipped a beat. "The way I acted today was… childish."

"It's okay, I got over it." I smirk at her to lighten the mood. She tries to force a smile but it doesn't quite make it. She turns her attention the traffic that seemed to be pilling up.

"Great, looks like we'll be stuck here a while." I announce what I'm sure she's thinking. We just want to get out of this car and away from these awkward silences and unspoken secrets.

"Olivia, if I told you something, would you swear not to tell a soul?" She faced me and looked at me with a contract stare, unafraid to turn away now.

"Unless you're out there breaking the law Alex, I'd say, you're secret's safe with me." It's weird to have her looking at me so intently. I suddenly feel claustrophobic, but the fact that she's going to open up to me brings me back to earth.

"The doctor said I was pregnant." She lowered her eyes to the shift stick. I just looked at her, completely shocked.

"Trevor?" Gosh, it just slips out! Don't I ever think first?

"God NO!" She defends, almost hurt. "Why do people think I like that man?"

"Sorry, didn't mean to jump to conclusions but, I did drop in on a date of yours once, remember?" I cringed, she smiled.

"I remember that, ha! The look on your face! I wanted to just walk out with yo-- …" She blushed suddenly and trailed off back into thought before continuing. Meanwhile, my stomach is twisting in so many knots I might just pee my pants.

"I know I seem like a hard ass. Okay, I don't seem like it. I just am one. But I need ways to unwind too, like everyone else. Two months ago, a lot of things were happening. My family was fighting, I don't think more than two people were speaking at the same time. My father was loosing business to some big wigs, even though I don't see why that matters now. I hate that they have all that money and still have the balls to complain. I was raised a priss, but it's not how I turned out. In fact, some of my favorite cases to prosecute are the ones with all the money who think they can do whatever they want."

"I hear that." I'm inching through traffic as Alex openly goes on.

"Well, I was in trouble with Donnelly so I had that 2 week suspension. The family issues were raging. I got you guys at SVU in trouble, so no one wanted to see my face around there. I guess… I guess I was pretty lonely. The problem with me is… it's like I have to constantly be moving. So I go to bars a lot. I get drunk and I dance and I meet these people who don't need anything from me."

I just watched her as she spoke. Her tone was dropping and sorrow lined her every word. She was confessing her weaknesses to me and I wasn't exactly sure why. Maybe she needed to defend herself or justify why she, of all people, would be carrying a baby she didn't even think to expect.

"Anyway, it's not like I'm some kind of a slut." My eyes widened at the word. Alex, a slut? I wanted to laugh out loud. Mainly because I wish she was. I tried hard to focus on what she was saying, and where she was going with all this explanation.

"It's just this one night I did go home with this guy. We had a few shots at the bar on a dare from some of his friends. Back at his place we kept drinking and laughing. The only thing I remember is waking up on the couch. He made me coffee, gave me his number and called me a taxi. He was a perfect gentleman." Her face froze at the end of her sentence and she frowned stiffly. I assumed she was fighting any kind of emotion that was on its way out.

"Alex, was he the only-- "

"Yes. The only man I've been remotely close to in the last six months actually. I remember because I felt funny the next morning, but I thought it was just the hangover. He was so nice, you know? I mean, I should know better. We see the 'nice' guys everyday. No one is ever who they seem to be. Except.."

"What?" Traffic begins to move and we are creeping through the streets. The rain is still beating hard on the window and the glass fogs slightly with Alex's heavy sigh. I touch her forearm lightly as if it say 'its okay' and she continues.

"Except… I don't remember sleeping with him. Unfortunately that's my problem because I should have known better than to leave with someone while I'm drunk. The truth is, I have no idea what happened after we got back that night."

"Hey Alex, don't beat yourself up over that. We've all gone home with someone before when we've gone out drinking. It just happens sometimes."

"You don't have to say that just to make me feel better you know." She rolls her eyes and I take a deep breath.

"I'm not; I slept with a detective in my own unit. We were at Meloni's and the evening just followed us home. He left the unit before you signed on with us." She looked at me with genuine surprise. Maybe she suspected I liked women my whole life. Maybe she didn't realize that with her, it just flows out of me. I want to be by her side all the time, I shamelessly flirt. I was never this confident before. I can't explain it really.

"Anyway Alex, did you ever call this guy? I mean, do you still have his number? Maybe you should call him now? Maybe you should ask him what happened."

"Yeah right, 'hey remember that night I stayed over? Did we have sex? Or did you drug me?'" She laughed but I was concerned that maybe there was something she wasn't telling me.

We pulled into the lot of the 1-6 and she reached for the door handle but stopped.

"Olivia, would you like to go get dinner or something? I have so much to think about and I just don't want to deal with it yet. I'm sure you feel the same way." She looked at me with pleading eyes and I would have kissed her hard, were we not right in the middle of cop central. Officers came in and out of the back doors, passing our car without a thought. Rain bounced off the plastic rain caps that covered their hats as they dashed for their cruisers. I smiled at her instead.

"Of course, why don't you wait for me here and I'll grab my things and we'll get out of here." Relief washed over her face but it didn't stay long as my hand reached for the keys, pulling them from the ignition.

I stepped out of the car and the summer heat hit me in the face. The rain offered some comfort and I took my time walking up the steps to the precinct. I wondered what had happened to Alex that night with the strange man. It surprised me to hear that she was such a partier. I guess the quiet reserved ones always are. Their life's work is to confine their emotions, so when they let them out, things get crazy. Just the way things were already going crazy in my mind.