Part Eighteen: Alex

Sitting alone in my apartment, I'm stuck with the stresses of the day; my misadventures reeling in my head. It was weird. I didn't think I'd get as upset as I did. I'm just so confused. Dominic is one of the men I took home with me for kicks after a case went array. Seeing him now is the last thing I want. I'm trying to figure so many things out; one of them being if I really want a relationship with a woman. The idea weighs heavy on my mind daily.

I care for Olivia but it feels like my mind is on autopilot. It's like I don't know my own thoughts. Do I really like Olivia like that? What am I saying? I slept with her… It's a little late for the 'I don't know's'. Still, I don't know what's going on in my mind. Everything's just happening so fast. I wish I could explain it. It's too good to be true, right? What if I really do belong with men like Dominic? Ugh, I cringe at the thought. I never dreamed I'd be making a decision like this.

The phone rings and Olivia's low tone hums on the other end; I'm relieved to hear it.

"You doin' alright?" She asks, waiting for an excuse for my actions today.

"I'm better but," I guess I don't want her to hear it from me, although she knows what I'm about to say. I don't want to talk about my little fit.

"But not best," she finishes my sentence and continues on, "What's got you so on edge about this one Alex? This isn't normal stress. I know there's something else."

"I have a heavy work load lately. I don't know, sometimes I just get easily upset. I'm sorry about what happened today." I'm trying so hard to deflect this conversation.

"Come on Alex… Talk to me." Her voice is quiet and softened my resolve.

"Well," I am fidgeting and glad she isn't here to see it. "I was just thinking about everything that's happened over the last couple of weeks." I pause, the words are becoming harder and harder to form. I don't want to hurt her but I am also afraid of making the wrong decision, whatever that decision may be. My whole life is full of big ones, you'd think I'd have gotten this down to an art by now, but I haven't.

"And?" She's patiently waiting. What do I say?

"I'm overwhelmed Olivia," I blurt it out, unable to stop myself.

"With me?" A twinge of hurt already present in her voice.

"Yes and no." Cue my nervous and frustrated rambling. "I'm pregnant with a child because I was irresponsible and couldn't handle my stress… or my liquor for that matter. I don't know who the father is. I've been seeing a WOMAN for the past month. I should be happier, so why aren't I?"

I'm starting to freak out. I slow my breathing and try to control myself a little bit. Olivia is silent. What could she say to that right away anyway?

"Well, the truth is, I'm scared." I confess, "I'm afraid of where my decisions will land me. Look where they've gotten me so far." The words sound cold, even to me. I didn't mean for them to. "I don't want to hurt you Olivia. I think I just need to be alone for a while."

Did she hang up? All that's left is the dead air between our ears. She's trying to hide it, but I hear the sorrow in her voice as she starts to speak.

"I'd give you anything Alex… even space." I sigh at her words.

"Thank you for under-" She cuts me off before I can finish.

"Let me know if you need anything. You know I'm here for you."

-click-

The dial tone sings its unattractive pitch in my ear as the line goes dead. My sweaty hands loosen their nervous grip from the phone and I place it slowly on the receiver. Am I doing the right thing here? I suddenly feel a tremendous loss as my hand slips away from the phone. I am so alone… and I did it to myself.