Disclaimer: I am poor and own nothing. And because I'm poor, this is my only source of entertainment, so please do not sue.
Authors Note: Sorry for the wait. Writers block and all. Hope you enjoy it. Thank you all for your wonderful reviews.
June Birdie – Judging by your review I would say you have neither experienced anything this emotionally devastating nor have you ever known someone close to you who has suffered the aftermath of such a brutal attack. It's hard to just get back up and start kicking ass again, no matter how strong you are. And since all deal with it differently, it is not the same for everyone. Mariska has been forced to be strong her whole life because of how her life was. That stress coupled with the violation and abuse that she suffered has pushed her over the edge, and just yelling at her is not going to cut it. As for Master Woo, he is not haunting her. He was a shadow for Jasmine's mind only because that is how she sees spirits. As shadows, not as people. Mariska can see them in dreams and when she walks the land of the dead, but that is not Jasmine's area of expertise. All Master Woo was doing was offering her comfort and strength until those living were there to do the same. I think this story is dark enough without the added "evil entity or spirit". I am sorry if any of my last chapter was hard for you to understand and I hope that I was able to clear it up for you. Even as Mariska begins to heal it is not going to be an easy road and that will continue to show in this story.
TriGemini – Mariska's always been the strong one. The leader. So it's hard for her to let someone else take that role with her. She's lost and frightened and hurting right now and she's not sure how to deal with all of that as she's always pushed those feelings away. Just like it's hard for Tristan to accept the help. And as much as he loves her, and is willing to be there for her, I tried to also show that even he needs a break. She will begin to heal after this chapter, but that does not mean she will be cured of anything just yet. Thank you for your review.
Lilstrummrgrl527 – Well I must say I love hearing it every time. I'm glad I was able to convey the family they have become and the bond they have. Lance just seems like the type for pet names doesn't he? LOL, I don't believe that either. And they are looking a bit like Uncle Arthur aren't they? I agree with you on both counts. He could have been more emotional but Clive Owen is still wonderful! Hugs are great. One of the better parts of life I think. It's such a simple and meaningful way to show someone you appreciate them and care that they are in your life. And it doesn't usually give the wrong idea like a kiss on the cheek might. I really wanted to show that while Tristan loves her, this is really hard for him. Especially since he's not one to usually deal with emotions and merely keeps them buried. Cooked carrots for breakfast? Never heard of that before, although I do love cooked carrots in food. I hate normal carrots. Umm, that sounds so good. That's how I make them too and now I'm having a craving…another thing I like to do is cook peaches in sugar, and cinnamon with a bit of lemon juice, as if you were going to bake a pie, and just eat them like that. They are incredibly good. (We have peach trees so I eat a lot of them in the summer.) And I'm off topic, sorry. She begins to start the healing process in this chapter. Which I am glad for as well. It's hard to stay so true to the story when the updates start taking their toll on your emotions. Makes me kind of dread writing them sometimes. Thank you so much for your reviews and telling me not to feel rushed. I used to post a lot of X-Men fiction and I could post one chapter or more a day and people would be "update soon" and I'm thinking, I just gave you one chapter I only type so fast. That's why I always try to say when you can, just so the author doesn't feel that stress and always appreciate it when someone does the same for me.
Elfvamp 1-13-97 – Glad you enjoyed that. Sometimes a little push is what you need to get started. And this chapter is going to start the ball rolling on her healing process. Thanks for reviewing!
Tracy137 – Idiot still better than cow as I already killed off the cow in this story. ;o) How very true and the world would be so much better for it. And lets not forget no more restraining orders on husbands for kicking their wives asses or any domestic disputes besides those between parents and their children. And then it wouldn't be so hard finding a good man anymore. Remember, Dag still needs the energy to heal people, so make sure you don't kill him there! I agree with you, talking about it's the only way to get her through, and as you would know I'm glad I was on the right track. Her healing process begins here, but as we both know will not end for a very long time. Glad you loved my version of the knights so muchly. Makes it hard to think about killing them off ever huh? See why I can't? Glad you enjoyed that last chapter though. Hope you like this one just as much.
Snape's Opera Rose – Mariska's not running so much as bottling it up. She's just dwelling on everything as you find out more in this chapter. I'm glad your friend is doing better and past it. Sadly it's a pretty common occurrence even now in our supposedly civilized society. So the healing process begins for her in this chapter. Hope you enjoy it and thanks for reviewing.
Newsieskane – Glad you enjoyed it. It will get happier I promise, but not for a bit yet. And I think just about everyone will agree with you on Tristan. You'd have to lock him up as the rest of us women would be out there trying to get our hands on him as well. Too bad we couldn't make him then clone a copy for everyone. Thanks for reviewing.
Galasriniel – I'm glad you enjoyed it. These chapters have been very hard to write because of all the emotion behind them. It leaves me a bit of a wreck afterwards and very tired physically and especially emotionally. I'm glad to see it's worth it though as so many people are enjoying it and I think it's making for a better story. Wow I did not know that. That's pretty interesting. I liked Gollum, especially when he was going back and forth between him and Smeagol. Yeah, Tristan is suffering as well. But the breaks the knights and Priestesses are giving him help, really they do. When my mom was sick with cancer and undergoing treatments, just getting out of the house for a bit was good because it gave you time to refresh your mind and body and just be away. That's what I was trying to portray here. And like my mom, Mariska will get through this ordeal and be better for it in the end. No have never read any of the HP books but probably will eventually. I'm reading Chronicles of Narnia right now and really enjoying it though. Thanks for reviewing.
KT – Who isn't at this point? I'm really probably only making her suffer so much because I hate her for having Tristan while I only have the figment of him in my mind. Happens a lot to my female characters when I create good guys for them. Get jealous and they suffer something because of it. Never want to be a heroin of mine. I swear you're going to make me fatter than I already am! LOL. But I do appreciate the thought. Thank you again so very much for reviewing. Enjoy this chapter!
MoonMaiden-of-Gawain – The healing process begins now. I'm glad you want her to be happy as so do I. (Really I'm not as vindictive as I appear to be right now.) As for your idea all I can say right now is you'll just have to wait and see. But to ease your mind, there is only one more chapter after this where she's really bad off, and it will end better than these have been lately. As always thank you for your review.
Cardeia – What an exciting spa trip! You must tell me where it is because that sounds just like my kind of place. I envy you so much right now but can see why you are excited. I would be bouncing off the walls in anticipation personally, but then I can be a tad hyperactive from time to time. I am sorry that work has been so hectic for you as well, but am glad you were able to find a moment to review, as yours mean so much to me. I'm glad you liked how Tristan was handled last chapter. Again this story seems to be writing itself, and so I'm just going with it. However, I am not sure about this chapter and the turn it is taking me on. Hopefully it will all turn out for the best in the end though. Normally I start out with a chapter outline and go from it, but here it is just taking me on a journey of it's own, which is exciting, but turning out to be rather exhausting as well. I do not know how much longer I can deal with these emotionally crippling chapters. I don't see it being much longer. One more chapter at most before it begins to get back to the lighter hell. ;o) As always I thank you for your review. And again, hoping this chapter meets up to the others standards.
The Priestesses of Avalon
Chapter Twenty: Confessions
For the first time in two weeks, Tristan felt his freedom again as he rode fast along the cost, the wind blowing his hair about his face, his hawk screeching in the sky and Lancelot riding close to his side. It was as if he were flying as they raced across the land, the air washing away all his problems and worries as a stream washes away the dirt from your body.
A few miles later, the horses slowed, coming to rest near a lake, similar to the one they met the bishop by all those months ago. Years it seemed, although barley one year had passed since that fateful day. Tristan's face was relaxed, more than it had been for many days, Lancelot noted, as he looked up into the sky, letting out a whistle for his hawk. Saoirse glided down to his arm, giving a screech before settling, nuzzling her beak into his hand.
Lancelot dismounted then, Tristan following suit, giving the horses a chance to rest and graze, both walking over to sit beneath a large shade tree. Lance gave him a few more minutes to fuss over his hawk, enjoying the silence that came from being away from the fort, as well as the release of the tension they had all been under since Mariska's abduction and attack. He knew what he and the others were suffering though was nothing compared to what the man before him was going through, watching the woman he loved in pain with no way to help her truly.
It had been Arthur and Jasmine's idea to get the two apart and go as far as to get Tristan out of the fort. One, with out Tristan to run to, Mariska would have no choice but to speak with the girls, and hopefully tell them what exactly had happened, and how they could help her. Two, Tristan was more likely to open up without the others being there to crowd him. So, since Tristan would not talk at the fort and Mariska would not talk with him at the fort, and the fact that he would force her to do nothing, the only solution was to get him out for a spell. And since Lancelot was the one most likely to get the information out of him without resorting to sitting on him until he talked, as Bors had suggested, here they were.
"Would Vigdis not come?" Lance asked after a moment, stretching his back and crossing his legs out before him, reaching down to pick at the grass near him, leaning back against the tree.
"Nah. She does not leave her side now," Tristan replied, his face falling back into an impassive mask, the peace leaving it quicker than it had come.
Lancelot nodded in understanding, picking at the blades of grass in his hand, looking at them in fascination. "Does she speak to you? About what has happened?" He did not want to bring this up for his friend now, instead content to let him enjoy the afternoon, but it was necessary. Arthur had insisted on it, and the king was right. Tristan needed to talk just as much as Mariska did.
"Nay," Tristan sent Saoirse to the air and rested his arms on his knees, his legs crossed beneath his body, looking out towards the lake where the horses stood near. "She clings to me and cries, or just sits, clutching my arm, staring out the window, but she does not tell me what is on her mind." The scout sounded so defeated when he spoke; so unlike his normally confident self, and Lancelot's heart clenched at the sadness behind his words.
Lancelot nodded slowly in understanding, looking down at his hands once more before looking up at Tristan's face. "How are you truly?"
Tristan sighed and looked back at his friend, locking eyes with the dark knight. "The woman I love, who is strong and powerful and beautiful, has left me and been replaced by one that is battered, frightened, and alone with naught to help her. How would you be?"
"Are you angry with her for it?" Lance asked, cocking an eyebrow. He would be, if the same had happened to Esmeralda. Angry at her, and himself and the entire Saxon race most likely.
"Nay, not at her," Tristan almost growled, looking down at the grass, plucking up a few strands and tossing them away, a scowl on his face.
"You know, it was not your fault…" Lance began to be quickly cut off.
"Wasn't it?" anger flashed in Tristan's eyes as his headshot back up to glare at his friend. "I was too drunk to protect my woman!"
"We were all drunk Tristan," Lancelot spoke up. "And Mariska has never been one to need a mans protection before."
"She did then…" Tristan growled at him.
"Aye, but she would not have known that then. None of us could have," Lancelot said softly. "They are powerful, deadly creatures, and we took that for granted. But that does not make what has happened to her your fault, or anyone's besides those bastards that did it!"
"You don't understand," Tristan growled, turning away again, staring out into the water. "I killed them. Slaughtered them all that had touched her, and those that had not, and yet they are still there," he sighed and looked back to his brother. "How am I to kill them Lancelot? When they are not even real?"
Lancelot sighed, leaning forward and placing a hand on Tristan's shoulder. "I know not my friend. But it is not a battle that you must fight alone." He gave Tristan's shoulder a squeeze, his voice firm as he spoke, locking eyes with the scout.
Tristan looked at him a long moment, his face impassive before a wave of relief almost washed over him, and he gave Lancelot a grateful understanding nod.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
Mariska was sitting, or lying rather, in the grass beneath the large tree, her arms out to her side and her face gazing up towards the sky. Around her the other women had gathered, and sat, waiting.
"Tell us Mariska," Hayley encouraged softly, looking helplessly over at Vanora.
"Aye lass, tell us," Van agreed, the same look on her own face as she hugged her body tightly.
"I wish I were a bird," Mariska said suddenly, watching as Vigdis gazed down at her from the top of the tree, locking eyes with the wise old bird. "Or mayhap a snake," she intoned, as Cadeyrn slithered next to her arm, picking up the great snake and holding it before her, gazing into his ruby eyes as he hissed at her, his tail winding about her arm. "Then only the rules of nature would apply, and naught else."
"What do you dream Mariska?" Jasmine asked gently, knowing that the other woman was quickly succumbing to the madness in her own mind.
"Horrid things," Mariska shuddered, releasing the reptile, turning onto her right side to watch him slither to Esmeralda, her eyes refusing to look up from the grass. "Dreadful things."
"What things?" Esmeralda asked, looking nervously about at the other women. This was definitely not like Mariska. Perhaps they should not have pushed.
"Hands…always hands…" Mariska rolled back onto her back, looking at her own hands with distaste. "Dirty, and everywhere. And long blonde hair falling in my face…do you think Gawain would cut his hair?" she looked suddenly over towards Hayley and Vanora, sitting to her left. "He frightens me now."
"We can see what we can do," Vanora said, unsure how to answer. Gawain would hate to hear that he had caused her any kind of discomfort and would wish to remedy that as quickly as possible, but on that same token, he did love his hair.
"Is that all you dream Mariska?" Jasmine pressed on, trying to keep her focused. She had been worried about this. When Duncan had died, Mariska had pulled back into herself then, and had been driven to the brink of madness because of it. Now she was even closer, and Jasmine had a feeling that the only thing that was tying her down was Tristan.
"No…no, no," she whispered, tears coming to her eyes as the visions came back to her. Opening her eyes with the Saxon on top of her, forcing himself between her thighs, taking of her all he wanted without a thing for her to do about it. The other men leering over at them, proud smirks on the faces of the ones who had already tasted her, eager on those next in line. And that feeling…oh that feeling was one she never wished to live again. The one of helplessness and fear. The one of being conquered. And the anger. The anger at herself for allowing her guard to fall long enough to be weakened; for letting her back be exposed and for not fighting sooner. For not preventing it. And the anger at those men for thinking they could touch her; for using her as if she were no more than a toy and the pain that came from them turning an act that she had once viewed as a sign of love and devotion, of trust, into a vile thing that made her body tense in fear every time Tristan laid down beside her. The pain of being dominated against her will. The pain that came with loosing the one thing you always thought you had; control.
"What else Mariska?" Hayley pressed, remembering what Jasmine was at that moment wondering briefly if this was a good idea. Her anchor was far from the fort now, and she wasn't sure that Mariska was ready to be forced into this after all.
"The men," Mariska closed her eyes, the tears still there, seeing the men clearly in her mind. "Trapping me. Claiming me. Tristan slaughtering them."
"Their deaths make you scream?" Vanora asked alarmed.
Mariska's eyes shot open and she popped up, her knuckles white from clutching the grass, her elbows locked and straight out behind her, her eyes boring eerily into Vanora's while her face remained an emotionless mask sending a chill down Vanora's spine, making her wish for her Bors. "Oh no, but their spirits do just fine…"
Realization passed about the sisters. "They haunt you?" Esmeralda asked in shock.
"Oh yes, everywhere," her voice was low and her eyes dipped sadly. "They stand outside our window and they taunt me. And threaten to take him from me. And then I sleep and they are in my mind…raping and hitting me. I get no peace." Her voice dropped the eerie lilt and the tears came fresh, showing in her voice and spilling down her cheeks. "I am going mad with all this!" she almost growled, burying her face in her hands. "I do not even know what I say anymore."
"Mariska, do you see their spirits?" Hayley asked, taking her about the shoulders and forcing her to look at her. "Do you?" They had to sort this all out and fast.
"Aye. But they are like the others, the ones I killed. Ripples in the breeze. They come and go, although now they come more than they go," Mariska sobbed quietly. "But the ones in my mind…they never leave. And the pain…"
"Tell us of the pain my sister," Jasmine whispered, all the women moving closer to her, forming a tight circle about her.
"I took it all for granted," she openly sobbed. "That I was safe and in control. That no man could touch me. They stole that from me," she hugged her knees close to her chest. "They took it and tore it up before my eyes. And the pain that causes rips at my very soul. What is worse is that it helped me before, helped me to stop them. But now…now it only drives me mad. It's killing me and I'm taking Tristan with me and that only makes it hurt worse!"
The women all looked at one another, none knowing what exactly to do. It was Vanora to take the initiative this time.
"Tell us exactly what happens in the dream child. Word for word."
"I do not see how that will help," Mariska said, shaking her head. "I do not want you to feel it as I do. To see it as I do."
"Share it Mariska. If your pain is too much, give some to us. Together we can shoulder it all," Hayley encouraged.
"If you speak it, it will leave you," Vanora assured.
"Remember, just as the time you kept dreaming that Duncan left you for a goat?" Esmeralda offered, the others looking at her oddly. "You told me that day we were mucking out the stables, and then you never had it again."
"That was different," Mariska laughed, and sobbed at the same time, having forgotten that particular dream which had vexed her fiercely at the time.
"No, no it is not," Jasmine quickly countered, sensing that they were getting closer. "You did not wish to continue dreaming that, and do you truly wish to continue dreaming this?"
Mariska fiercely shook her head no, their logic beginning to make more and more sense.
"Then tell us lass," Vanora said sternly, the same tone she used when her children or Bors were misbehaving.
Mariska looked at them closely for a long moment before taking a deep breath, leaning back against Hayley. "It's cold. Always so cold," she began, the women giving her their undivided attention.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
Arthur was surprised to walk into the meeting room and find Merlin sitting at the round table, his head in his hands and a parcel sitting next to him. "Merlin? Is something wrong?" he asked, his voice immediately concerned as he came further into the room and sat down next to the old man.
"Aye, I have news from the temple," Merlin sighed, pulling his head back. "There was a reason I wished to go. The stones, they have been giving me strange messages, so I wished to have them confirmed."
"Is something coming?" Arthur asked, the cogs in his mind already turning. If there was a battle, they would need to prepare the troops and the knights, and Tristan could not fight, nor could Mariska, so the others would have to make sure neither of them tried, and they would have to make sure there were ample supplies. This would be best if Jols was here, so that he could start organizing the list to the squire and they could get started straight away.
Reading the young King's face, Merlin had to smile. The leaders mind was always an interesting thing. "No Arthur, no battle comes. Not as you think."
"Then what is it?" Arthur asked, locking eyes with Merlin once more, confusion now on his face.
"I spoke to Sonia, about Mariska, for I had a suspicion. The High Priestess confirmed it as it was her own as well…" Merlin paused and took a deep breath. Normally he would not tell this information to one that it did not pertain to, but in a case such as this, he was not sure if that would be the best action. Deciding that he would ask the young kings opinion, as he knew his scout better than Merlin, he took a deep breath and continued. "Mariska, is with child."
A shocked look came over Arthur's face as the news hit him like a ton of bricks. He recovered quickly however. "Whose child?"
Merlin sighed again. "That is it, we do not know. The stones are unclear if it is Tristan's or one of the Saxon's. Only Mariska may be able to answer that question, but now she is not thinking straightly. There is no way that we could know how she would take the news. Be convinced it is the boys, or throw herself from the battlements because she is sure it is her attackers. Or even drink the potion that can be devised, killing the child and then questioning that decision the rest of her life."
"Sonia does not know?" Arthur asked, wishing to have all the bases covered.
"Nay, no more than I," Merlin sighed.
"And you did not have any idea before she was captured? Perhaps a sign that you are missing?" his voice was almost desperate. This was not good news when it should very well be. And in Tristan's state, he had no idea of how the man would react.
"None that I can see. We both had a great feeling of dread, and had been throwing the runes to try and see what was to come, but nothing like this was ever shown," Merlin said sadly.
Both men sat in thought for a long moment, each contemplating what could be done. Finally Arthur spoke. "The women have her, trying to find out about the dream, and Tristan is off with Lancelot away from the fort. I do not think we should say anything to them until we find out what the others have discovered."
"I agree, and perhaps when we do tell them, we tell the scout first. Mariska is too frail at the moment," Merlin agreed.
"Aye, but Tristan is not much better. He takes it all on himself," Arthur sighed dejectedly. "Would it be possible for a child conceived before the attack to have survived it?"
"Aye, although it is unlikely. And if the child had died, then no other would have been able to come of it," Merlin sighed. "Any child that could survive that would be a gift of the Gods themselves. A miracle in itself. Otherwise…" his voice trailed off sadly, not wishing to stay what was tugging at the back of his mind about the child his granddaughter now carried.
"A child of rape," Arthur sighed, feeling the old mans pain, but knowing it had to be said. Suddenly a thought occurred to him, and gave him a bit of hope. "Jasmine! She is tied to the Fates themselves yes? She could ask them could she not?"
Merlin thought about it for a moment. The child's gift was strong, and she wielded it well. It was very possible she could get the information from the Fates. "It is worth the effort. Until we know however, no one else should."
"Agreed," Arthur said already rising. "I will go and see how she and the women fare. And Tristan and Lancelot should be back from their ride, I will check with Lancelot as well."
"I will join you," Merlin said. "I wish to see my granddaughter, and give the boy these." He rose slowly picking up the parcel as he went, a small seed of hope growing in his heart as he begged the Goddess for a miracle that was so desperately needed.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
As it turned out, Arthur and Merlin ran into Tristan and Lancelot coming from the bathhouse. While both men looked more relaxed and at ease, Tristan's face its normal mask of passivity, Lancelot's eyes seemed troubled as he kept glancing over to his friend. They strolled up to meet the King and Shaman in the middle of the courtyard.
"Merlin how was Avalon?" Lancelot asked good naturedly, noting the worry in Arthur's eyes as well, nodding at the King in greeting. A silent understanding passed between them that they would talk on their troubles later, in private.
"Well, very well. Sonia sends her love and this," he held the parcel out to Tristan, who took it gently. "Should help her sleep. How fare's my granddaughter?"
"Same," Tristan replied, nodding gratefully for the herbs, tucking them into his tunic. "She is with the others out north of the wall. We were just going to inform them we had returned."
"You know how he worries," Lancelot grinned, slapping Tristan on the back, earning a raised eyebrow from the scout. "Care to join us?"
"Aye," Arthur said, a ghost of a smile playing at his lips. Jasmine would be there, and he longed to hold her now. To take her into his arms and loose himself in her soft skin and the smell of cherry blossoms that always surrounded her for hours on end. To lay wrapped in her arms, spent and listen to her strong soothing voice, feeling the vibrations against his body, and the way her warm breath splayed against his cheek as she told him all would be well.
They would be married. Arthur knew it in his heart but he had yet to ask her. With the trouble brewing about the fort, he was not sure now was the time, especially while she worried so over her friend. Where he had clung to her so much in dealing with the grief of Guinevere's death, and the guilt he felt over it, she now clung to him. He was her rock while she dealt with the tidal waves of stress that her and her sisters as well as he and his knights were under. He only prayed that he would not be adding to that stress with the current development.
The men strolled silently across the fort towards the main gates, Tristan and Merlin leading the way. They came out of the gates and into the clearing, immediately seeing the women, gathered beneath the tree. Mariska was in the center of them, almost laying on them as she leaned back against Hayley, rested her legs over Esmeralda and Vanora's laps and held Jasmine's hand, her head resting on the fair haired girls shoulder. All had tears in their eyes and all were quiet and solemn.
The men's pace quickened, and in an instant they were at the women's side. "What is it?" Lancelot asked, Tristan already kneeling down to wrap his arms about Mariska.
"Oh Lance," Esmeralda was off the ground and in his arms in an instant, Jasmine doing the same, wrapping herself up in Arthur's embrace. Vanora and Hayley rose, hugging one another, knowing that they would immediately go to their men's sides once they returned to the fort.
"I did not wish to tell them, but they made me Tristan they did," Mariska was whispering, clinging tightly to him.
"Shh," he soothed, lifting her up into his arms. Without a word to the others he cradled her close, taking her quickly back to their rooms.
"What did you find out?" Merlin asked, the women watching them sadly as they left.
"Her dream," Hayley answered. "Her dream is worse than what was done."
"Mayhap now it will leave her," Vanora all but whispered. "Although, I ain't too sure it won't take to hauntin' us now."
Arthur, Lancelot and Merlin all exchanged worried looks before slowly leading the women back to the fort.
Authors Note: Okay only one more chapter left that's going to be super heavy and then we're going to get even more back to normal. These chapters are just kicking my butt too much to keep on much longer. As for Mariska's little out there crazy moment, I can get like this sometimes when I'm over stressed and everything seems to be moving like in a dream for me. So I was just incorporating that in. AndMoonMaiden-of-Gawain, you were the only one to guess what was going on in the back of my head so a gold star and cookies for you!