Part Twenty: Alex
I wake up feeling nauseous and angry. I haven't been able to sleep and my appetite is basically nonexistent. The schedule that is my life has been completely thrown off track. I can't live without routine. I can't live without… Well I don't want to think about it. I take one look at the muffin in front of me and toss it in the trash before heading out the door and hailing a cab. I'm a grown woman, I can handle myself. I think if I just bury myself in work, I'll be okay. As long as I don't get caught up thinking about her. As long as I don't drown myself in these riddles that aren't going to answer themselves.
Look at this desk. One look at it sends my nerves flaring. It's the same feeling I felt when I looked at that muffin an hour ago. Files everywhere. I'm so behind in everything. I can feel the control slowly slipping from my grasp. I feel irresponsible and I'd love nothing more than to call up Olivia and tell her to come here right now and take me away from everything. I need to escape too sometimes. Gosh… I don't know what's wrong with me.
Before long I realize Liz is standing in my door frame with a perplexed look on her face. "Alexandra, can we talk for a moment?" Oh God, this can't be good at all.
She's shutting the door and that anxiety in my stomach feels like a volcano, seconds away from erupting. She takes a seat on the ugly couch in the corner and asks me to come sit with her.
"Alex," she seems almost nervous. This can't be about work. "I've noticed lately that you haven't quite been on track with everything." Shit.
"Liz, I'm sorry I-" She puts up her hand and stops me.
"I'm not here as your boss looking for excuses to make myself feel better. I'm here as your friend who has noticed a problem. Now, it's none of my business and I understand if you don't want to talk about it. However if you do, I'd be more than willing to listen." I hesitate as she waits for me to choose an option. I want to tell her. I don't want to tell her. I want to hold myself together and tell myself that I'm strong. Even if I don't feel strong, if other people see me that way, it makes me feel better. On the other hand, my 'things gone wrong' list is growing by the minute.
"You're right. I'm not myself. There's a lot going on right now." It's all I can manage to leak out.
"If you need help with your case load we have that new intern taking care of a lot of Johnson's paperwork and I can assign her some of the big stuff." How useless does this make me feel? The debate in my mind makes me want to throw myself out the window. I'm as stubborn as a mule. As stubborn as Olivia… Oh I can't let my mind drift now. Anyway, these are my cases and how pathetic would it look if I couldn't take them all on?
"You're not a machine Alex." Wow, that's odd. What is she, reading my mind? "I don't expect you to be. You're only human."
"Only sometimes." I laugh sarcastically because sometimes I really do feel more machine that human. I never realized how detached I am from the world I live in until Olivia came along and started to make me feel really alive. The revelation actually brings me close to tears but I'm good at holding it back.
"As much as I hate the idea of someone else even glancing at my cases, it's a very tempting offer Liz." I hate to admit it out loud. It's like waving a sandwich in front of a starving child.
"Alex, you are a great attorney… but what use to me are you when you are run down. I need your energy and your fire. You're no good going in for the kill in this state. If I offend, I don't mean to." I can see the concern in her expression and I bend a little.
"No not at all. You're right, this is silly. I'll take a few days. If anything I could use the sleep." She cracks a half smile, probably pleased at herself for budging the unmovable Alex Cabot.
"Don't worry about anything. Take a long weekend and I'll see you Monday." She walks out and I try to make myself a list of what Ellie Johnson will need while I'm gone.
Five o'clock rolls around and I don't feel like I've gotten anything accomplished except resisting the urge to call Olivia about three times. I wish I could understand all this. I wish I could talk to her about it and have her be objective. I wish I didn't spend most of the day thinking about her. Or do I? I let my mind wander to thoughts of her bronze skin and don't push them away. I imagine her square fingertips smoothing over my shoulders and relaxing every bone in my body. I'd give anything for that right now.
I need to be alone to really sort things out though, right? Isn't that how it's done? I don't know how to handle emotions like this. I've never had to. My mother always taught me that appearance is what keeps your pride intact. If you let yourself get attached, you'll be weak, and people will easily defeat you. It's, no doubt, a lesson she learned when she fell in love with my father and he ended up walking out on her. Even though I see where she's coming from and part of me knows it's silly to be detached from people, I still find that it's really a safe way to live. I've been doing fine so far. There hasn't been anything I couldn't handle. I can handle this alone. I feel so weak for succumbing to this need for comfort. Comfort never made anyone strong.
I'm starring at the calendar on my desk with my thoughts raging, trying to find excuses as to why I am the way I am when I notice a tall figure in the door way.
"Can I come in?" Olivia's disheveled look makes my heart skip and I nod.