Part Twenty Two: Alex
It feels so good to be home early on a Wednesday. I feel like ordering out. God knows I can't cook for the life of me and I'm not going to start trying now.
I call out for Chinese and kick off my shoes. I'm so tired lately. I change into sweats. I find myself on the computer emailing old friends and updating them on my hectic life.
I'm so happy to have broccoli and chicken. It smells amazing. I grab the fortune cookie and pop it open.
"There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity." I'm being so stupid. It's true, there isn't security. That's a myth and of all people, I should know that. I guess I'm just afraid to fall in love. I never really believed in it before. I put the slip of paper on my computer desk and mindlessly search the web. I think of Olivia and how she cares so much about me. I imagine her smile and I smile too. Why would I damage this connection we have? Because that's what I'm doing, damaging it by pushing her away. I need to pull myself together and if I can't, I need to tell her.
"I need you so much." I only wish she were here to hear those words from me. I think of her silhouette in my door frame this afternoon and sigh. I have such a great thing here. I need to tell her, right now. I pick up the phone and dial her apartment. It's close to 9 p.m. No answer.
"Oh Olivia, where are you?" I say to the phone as I dial the station house. I wouldn't be surprised if she was still there. Nine is still early for her. No answer there either, I hang up as the voicemail switches on. If I can't talk to her, I can't listen to her voice on that voicemail.
I fidget for a while. Where would she go? I feel helpless because I can't even guess. I pace for a while and make a cup of tea. I start to feel nauseous. It's become a daily thing now. I make my way back to the computer. I figure it probably will do me some good if I look at pregnancy information. I don't know many people will kids. I'm an aunt but my sister lives in California so that's of no help. However, I would like to know what's going on with my body.
I find articles on stress and how it can cause birth defects if you don't handle yourself well. That's scary. The basis of my life is stress. Whose isn't? Seriously though, am I ready for this? Can I handle being a mother? Would I even be a good one? My insecurities peak their evil little heads out from hiding as I think of myself raising a child. What an awkward picture; me in a nursery instead of a courtroom.
I wander away from the computer. I don't want to read anymore about that tonight. I look at my briefcase. Should I? I'm supposed to relax but I literally don't know what to do with myself. I eat, sleep and breathe court. I cheat and open it up and pull out some files.
I spread the files out on the floor like I would any other night. My yellow note pad resting on my legs; I love a good riddle. I can't help but glance at the clock every once in a while though. I want to talk to Olivia more than anything.
11:30 p.m. I call her apartment and she isn't home. I call the station and someone picks up.
"Odafin Tutuola, special victims unit." My hopes crash as Fin's voice comes through the receiver.
"Fin, it's Alex. I'm looking for Olivia."
"Oh hey Alex, she's not here. Her stuff is still here though. I think she went to go check something out. I'm on my way out now. I was down at Meloni's with Cregan and Munch, and I came here after to catch up on some stuff. I've been here for like an hour and Liv hasn't been here. Wherever she went, she'll probably be back soon, it's getting late. Do you want me to leave her a message for you? I'll put it on her desk."
"Yeah sure, just let her know I was looking for her. Thanks."
"No problem, have a good one."
I hang up defeated. It's not everyday I feel like admitting I was wrong and it's certainly not a characteristic of mine to tell someone I need them. But that's the problem with me isn't it? All I do I try to live up to these standards I made for myself. I really need to stop doing that.
I would wait up for Olivia to call but I have no idea what she's doing and I'm suddenly hit with a wave of exhaustion. I'll just watch T.V. in my bedroom and see how long I last. Lovely, I turn on the set and COPS is on. Why do they always run? They always do it and then they say they are innocent. Sometimes I just want to smack people.
"Where am I? Olivia, is that you? What's going on? It's really dark out here. We should go inside."
"Alex you need to hide. You need to run away… Go before he sees you!"
"What are you talking about? Who?"
--((BANG!))--
"OLIVIA!"
I jolt awake. Holy shit… it was a dream. I sit up and I'm sweating. That was so scary. Dreaming about Olivia being shot and me watching freaked me out. I'm distraught and I start crying. I don't even know why I'm letting it affect me like it is.
"It was a just a dream. Olivia is fine. It was just a dream." I look at the clock, 1:08 a.m. No calls, no voicemail. I need a glass of water.
I get as far as the door to my bedroom when I hear something. I walk towards the kitchen, my hand dragging along the wall in the dark. I walk right into a person and their arms reach out to me. My blood drains and I just start screaming. They are holding me and trying to speak but I'm frantic. My heart is beating so fast I'm sure it will burst. I hear my name. I need to shut the fuck up. I hear my name… I hear… Olivia.
"Alex! Alex! It's okay, it's me! It's Olivia! Alex!" I freeze. I go from screaming to crying in seconds. I bend over and she bends with me.
"Oh my god… I'm sorry…" I'm crying through my speech. The nightmare I had, had set me off to begin with. Her scaring the shit out of me wasn't helping at all.
"Honey, are you okay? Are you okay? Hey, hey. I'm here, okay? You're okay." She's feeling my face in the dark as we sit on the floor in my hall. I grab her and let myself go. I break. I feel it happen and there's nothing I could do about it, even if I wanted to. At this point I'm beyond caring.
She holds me tight against her, like she's trying to soak up the pain I have and take it away from me. She holds my head with her left hand and strokes my head. I just cry. I tell her I'm sorry over and over again. She tells me it's okay. She tells me not to worry. She's rocking my body and I can't stop trembling. I'm so depressed and so angry at the same time. All I know is that I need her here right now, and she's here.
"Take a deep breath Alex. It's okay, just breathe for me." I try but each breath is hitched.
"I called you earlier." I manage to tell her.
"Why didn't you call my cell if you needed me? You know I'd be here in a heartbeat." She doesn't understand fully why I'm falling apart. I can tell just by the tone of her voice. The way it shakes in places as she speaks.
"I wanted to talk to you but it wasn't any emergency. I knew you were working. I didn't want to bother you. I left a message with Fin."
"I know. That's why I'm here. I just finished up over there… What's got you so upset? You know, besides the usual shit." I half laugh.
"I had a nightmare you were shot. I watched you die in front of me. You died trying to save me."
"Did it work? Did I save you?" She would ask that.
"Um, I think you did." I wipe my nose on my sleeve, "I'm a little old for nightmares, don't you think?"
"I'm glad I saved you and no you are not too old for nightmares. I get them all the time. After the shit I see on crime scenes. Do you really think I sleep easy?" She speaks softly as she reassures me of the safety I have in her. "Let's go back to bed okay? I just came over to see if you needed anything, but I'll stay the night, okay?"
"Okay." She pulls me up off the floor and hugs me with her whole body.
"You're safe here." She kisses the corner of my eyebrow and leads me back to the bedroom with her arm on my waist.
She's thinking hard about something. I see it in her eyes as the moon filters into the room and over her face. She's not going to sleep tonight. I don't ask because part of me is afraid to. I know that look. I know it all too well.
I tighten my grip on her waist and she turns her gaze away from the ceiling to look down at me. She's right though, I am safe. I'm safe in her arms and glad I welcomed them back.
She pulls me close to her, as though I am her doll and someone's trying to steal me away from her. I feel the tension in her body. It worries me but I try to push it away. I feel exhaustion taking the place of any thought and I sink into the warm body beside me.