Part Twenty Three: Olivia

I open my eyes before the alarm goes off on my phone. I look down, tangled in her limbs. It's like she held on to me the whole night. I wouldn't put it past her. I can't take my eyes off of her. She's so little in my arms; so fragile. I brush the hair away from her nose to get a better view. She breathes softly; her chest rising and falling slowly, pushing against my body. I trace the outline of her nose and her lips with my eyes. I could lay here forever. It's the warmest feeling I've ever known. I smile at her as she sighs unknowingly but my smile fades as I think of how the remainder of the day will be. I carefully move her arm off my waist and slip out of the bed, replacing my missing body with a pillow she takes automatically in her arms. I pull out my notepad and leave it on her night stand by the clock.

Dear A,

I had to go in this morning but I want to see you for lunch. Wong might be joining us, just to warn you. Don't worry about anything. Call, if you need me. Have a good morning.

-Love, O

It feels like I never left this desk last night. My papers are all out of place, just as I left them. I'm so early I had time to shower in the locker room and still, no one's here yet. I couldn't sleep. I notice the leather bound book and pick it back up. I pull out the tissue I used as a bookmark and read the line over and over again. It's as though I like the torture of it. I see those words, in his handwriting, with her name.

I read the passage out loud quietly, "I found a great catch tonight. A classy broad with legs so long I could do laps on them but Little Shit wanted her. I told him I had her first but he reminded me that I owed him a favor 'cus of the last catch he brought home. She was hot, I hated to let her go but a man's word is a man's word. I could find another broad like Ms. Cabot in another lawyer bar."

I rub my head mindlessly and rest my hand on my mouth. I get nauseas when I read it but I read it as if I don't believe it really happened to her; my defenseless girl. My hands shake slightly but I read on, even though I know what it says.

Lawyers are the best hits because you're trickin' them at their own game. The bitch didn't even know what hit her, or who. I slipped my stuff in her coffee and when she was out, Little Shit went to work on her.

I couldn't read another line. I could never get past that last line. I've seen almost everything in this unit. I'm sure what happened to Alex was one of the most tame crimes compared to what I deal with but… it happened to Alex. It's something I can't stomach but I'm afraid they might throw me off the case if I can't handle it. I want to get that bastard more than anyone, if my emotions get in the way, who cares? I need to know who did this and I need to be the one who takes him down.

"Hey stranger," Elliot comes in and tosses his coat on the desk. "Find anything good?"

When I couldn't open my mouth to answer, Elliot turned from his spot at the coffee pot and walked over to me. He eyed the book in my hands and I lifted my arm to hand it to him. I couldn't tell him. He took the book from my hands and read the marked passage. His eyes registered disbelief and sadness.

"Oh my god…" His mouth left hanging open, he couldn't find words to fill the void. He shook his head and put his coffee down. He looked at me with realization that I, too, had read it, "Liv, Jesus Christ… are you okay?"

"I found it last night." I looked away and Elliot squatted down in front of me. His right arm held my forearm. "Elliot… I have never cried so hard… in my life."

"Oh God, where were you? I mean, was this in the box? How did forensics not show us this first?" Questions flew from his mouth as more brewed in his mind.

"There was a regular book in one of the boxes. There was a key pasted below the binding and I noticed it. It went to a locker at the gym he goes to. The journal was there. I took it back here before I even opened it. I knew what was in there... I just didn't know she was in there." My eyes well up immediately but nothing falls. My mind is numb to the anger and grief I've felt for her but my body still reacts. Elliot hangs his head in shock then a moment later snaps his head up.

"Does she know?" I shake my head.

"How?" I lean forward to meet his eyes. "How do I tell her that? How on earth do I tell her she was attacked and she didn't even know it? It was a game to them. How do I tell her a guy named "Little Shit" attacked her? She'll want to know who he is… and I can't tell her because I have no idea." My heart broke for her in the realization of how fucked the situation was.

Elliot rolled back on his heels and stood. "We gotta tell her."

"I know that Elliot! She knows she's pregnant for Christ's sake." I let my anger fade, reminding myself that getting Elliot upset doesn't help anything. "I asked Wong to come down today. I left him a message and told him it was an emergency."

"What about Alex?"

"I was with her last night. I couldn't decide if I wanted to tell her then or not but then when I got there she was a wreck."

"What happened?" I could see Elliot trying to picture an upset Alex, but I knew the image wouldn't come to him. She's never upset.

"She was freaked out from this dream she had of me dying, then I came in the house and ran into her in the hall and scared the shit out of her. I swear Elliot, I think she almost had a mental breakdown. What will this do to her? It's going to be too much."

"Well if anyone knows what to do, it's Wong. Trust him Liv, he sees this everyday." Elliot is trying to reassure himself as well I think.

"So do we, Elliot." I'm almost offended but the truth is, I'm the last person who could know what to do right now. I'm too close and I'm taking it very personal.

"Liv, you know what I mean." He eyeballs me, like a father would do. Maybe like a husband would do. I know what he means.

Wong brushes through the doors and makes his way swiftly to my desk. "I got your 9-1-1. What's going on?"

I stand, pick up the book and motion for him to follow me upstairs. Other officers and staff have begun to leek in and this conversation would go to no ears that didn't need to know. "It's Alex," I say quietly and turn away from his confused and surprised expression, heading upstairs.

We sit at an interview table and I slide him the book. After he reads the passage, his eyes are wide and he looks up at me. "This is a problem."

"She's coming in this afternoon. Someone has to tell her and I don't know if it can be me, even though I know it should be."

He closes the book and folds his fingers. "You're right, it should be."

I look up at him and dread the hours ahead of us. I seriously start to rethink my assignment in the special victims unit.