Part Twenty Four: Alex

I wonder why we're having lunch with Wong today. Does Olivia think I'm some kind of dope? I know this can't be good. Maybe she wants me to talk to him about last night. I mean, it was a dream, I freaked out. Is that really something I need therapy for? Then again, with what's been going on maybe I should get my head shrinked.

The smell of fresh coffee assaults me as I open the doors to the precinct. I see Elliot and he welcomes me with a smile and some kind of odd look. When I lift my eyebrow I'm about to ask what the look is for but he asks me if I want a cup of coffee before I can say anything.

"Thanks Elliot, where is Olivia?" He's still looking at me funny and it's starting to freak me out a bit. He motions for the stairs as he sips his own coffee.

"Uh, she's up there with Wong."

"Do you think it's okay if I go up there, or is it a private conversation?" I don't want to intrude.

"Nah, it's fine. She's waiting for you." He retreats to his desk and hides his face behind the computer screen. I head upstairs.

I reach the top and I'm greeted by her smile but it dissipates faster than I would have liked. This is my first look at her today. I can tell her hair is still damp from the shower and it's tousled. Her red sweater is bright and looks warm and inviting. Before another thought can cross my mind, Wong stands up and greets me, asking me to have a seat.

"Sorry if I'm a little early. I got bored really fast," I look from Olivia to Wong. "I didn't even expect you to be here so soon."

"Alex, we have something very important to tell you," Wong starts and I look at Olivia for any sign of what it might be but she's looking at Wong; her face, a blank slate.

"I found a book of Dominic's last night…" Olivia turns to me, cutting Wong off. "I found a key in it that led me to a secret locker. Dominic had a journal in the locker." Oh this can't be good. Why would they be telling me this unless…

"Oh God…" My lips barely move as the words slip out. I dread what she's about to say. She flinches at my first reaction, takes a breath and continues.

"Dominic wrote about you in the journal. He mentioned you by name-"

"Did he?" I jump to my conclusions fast and Olivia puts her hand up gently.

"He had a partner…" Olivia's face is pained, she's trying to force the words out of her mouth. I can see it. "Alex, you didn't get pregnant because of being drunk. Dominic drugged you…" My eyes widen but I don't know what to say. She looks into my eyes with empathy, not pity. Her voice drops and she's almost whispering, "You were raped by Dom's partner. We don't know who he is. Dominic gave us a bogus address on Greg Montgomery. That man doesn't exist." She looks away from me.

"Alex?" Wong looks at me, trying to solve my facial expressions as if they were a riddle. I just look at him, then back to Olivia. I want it to be untrue. I want her to be lying. She's not though.

"This is my fault." It's what I feel. I should have been more responsible. Olivia's head snaps up and she looks right into me.

"No. No, this is not your fault. Don't you dare think that Alexandra." Wong and I both look at her quizzically at the use of my full name. She turns in her chair and touches my face for a moment, then rests her hand on my shoulder. "Look at me." Her eyes are wide, serious and demanding. "It doesn't matter if you were so drunk you couldn't find your way home, or if you had one sip of wine… the only person who is at fault here is Dominic. Do you understand me? Women get slipped drugs all the time. A lot of them aren't even at the bar. If Dominic wanted you drugged, he would have found a way even if you weren't drunk. Okay? This is not your fault."

I nod. She's right. "I don't believe this."

"What are you feeling right now Alex?"

"No George. I don't want to play that game." I'm more furious than sad. I'm furious that a man got the best of me and now I'm being punished for his cruelty. Not only am I affected emotionally, physically part of this man is growing inside of me. I don't know how to deal. I stand up. The look on Olivia's face becomes bewildered. "I have to go."

"Alex, you really should talk about it." Wong states coolly.

"Who knows about this?" I look down at Olivia who has her hand on my forearm, gently pleading with her eyes for me to sit back down, where she can watch over me.

"Besides us? Elliot and Cregan know. Alex, I--"

"I don't want you to tell anyone else about this." I was embarrassed and ashamed. For the first time in my life, I knew exactly what those victims felt every time I encouraged them to speak, or testify or press charges on their attackers. I understand now, it's easier to walk away from it all and learn to deal. I didn't want to see Dominic or the bastard who helped him. I don't even know what I'd do.

"Alex we have some serious things we need to discuss right now. These things can't wait." Wong's tone hinted at his urgency and sparked a curiosity in me.

"What are you talking about?"

"How far along are you?" I look down at my stomach; Olivia does too. "Well, when the doctor told me, I was about six weeks. So I guess total I'm about nine weeks, I think."

"Okay. The good thing is that you've already seen doctors and have been tested for everything. The problem we have here is you have very little time left to make a decision about termination, if you feel it's appropriate." Termination… It sounded so ugly. The thought has crossed my mind a number of times but I'm stuck between ethics and practicality. Could I handle it? Would I want to? This child is the product of violence… what kind of person would he or she grow to be? Would I regret raising this child? Would I regret not raising this child?

"Alex… I know this is a lot to think about, and it's even harder that you have a time limit but the fact is, for your safety, among other things, you need to make this decision in the next couple of days." Olivia searched my face for anything I would show her. I just stood there.

"I have to go." I shook my head. I didn't know where to start. The room was beginning to close in on me and as Liv and Wong starred, waiting for me to speak, I felt too much pressure. I had to get out of there. I stepped backwards and out of reach of Olivia. She and Wong stood. Are they going to try and stop me?

"Alex, please…" I couldn't look at her. I felt disgusting and I didn't want Olivia to see me that way. I brushed past her. The last thing I saw was Wong reach out for Olivia's arm, stopping her from running after me like a desperate child.

"Let her go, for now." I hear Wong say as I bounce down the stairs and away from the news I never thought would ever come my way.