Twenty Seven: Olivia

Alex will be here in an hour and I'm more nervous than I'd like to admit. Why am I nervous at all? My apartment smells divine. I'm cooking soup with all the spices my mother used to use. That was when… when she bothered cooking at all. Jesus, one disastrous situation at a time Olivia. Then again, that disaster is about to become the topic of tonight's discussion. Anyway, it probably won't matter what we eat because after I tell Alex about my past, she probably won't feel like eating.

I look stupid. I need a different shirt. Maybe blue? No, that's all wrong. Okay, here's a good one. A red v-neck with no white undershirt is…um… yes, perfect. It fits in all the right places and while this is going to be a serious conversation, you never know where things will go. I want to look good for her. My hair is not co-operating with the mouse I've poured into it and I'm about two minutes from dumping water on my head. Before I can, I hear the buzzer to my apartment. I buzz back and Alex's low tone comes through the static sounding box. I'm excited and overwhelmed at the sound of her voice. I buzz her in and when I open the door, the sight of her takes my breath away.

Her thin black slacks hug her thighs before fanning slightly at the knee and her baby blue sweater wraps itself snugly over the contours of her body.

"Are you going to let me in?" She smiles as I feel my face turn red.

"Of course, I'm sorry. You just… you look great." She smiles softly but the pain in her face is still present. She just doesn't smile the same anymore.

We sit in my kitchen and she takes a deep breath. The spices and scents fill both our noses and fill us with a certain comfort we haven't felt in a long time. We eat in a comfortable silence for a while. Then she speaks.

"Thank you for having me over tonight Olivia. It really means a lot to me. You have no idea." She's seems so sweet as she says this. Her cold demeanor melting with every spoonful… with every moment spent near me. Is it selfish to think like that; to think that I could do that to her? I resist the urge to reach out and touch her face. I'm just glad she's letting me in. If she keeps this up, I feel like I can really help her. Maybe she can help me too. It's what a partnership is about after all, isn't it? She did confess to me in the café that she's never let anyone in before but I failed to tell her I was in the same boat. Eventually, she will know this anyhow. It's time to lay all the cards on the table, no matter how much it scares me.

"Alex, there's a lot we need to talk about." She gives me a look as if she is in trouble.

"Okay." She sets her spoon down and gives me her full attention.

"I'm glad you came to a decision about the baby."

"You are?"

"Yes, I am." I can only hope that my smile reassures her. "I can't tell you how many times I wanted to talk to you about it. It was very hard for me no to put in my two cents, but the last thing I wanted to do was interfere. It was your choice and I wanted it to stay that way."

"Okay," she nods; waiting for me to go on.

"Alex, I don't feel the need to keep things from you but please just understand… this isn't an easy thing for me." I meet her eyes and she smiles softly.

"I know how hard it is to abandon your post at your wall. Especially lately…" Her smile grows to a genuine grin as I realize just how much she's battled her demons off to meet me half way.

"Not long before I met you, my mother died." I start. She offers a hushed apology.

"I wish I could have known her." She replies.

"I don't think you'd have liked her very much." I avert my eyes, this is it. "She was a good person… with a lot of bad habits."

Suddenly Alex looks at me with a knowing look, as if she suddenly recognized my face. I feel vulnerable and immediately regret bringing it up. I should have known I can't handle this. I'm panicking internally.

"Liv, please tell me." She can read me so well. She places her hand over mine and her warm energy convinces me to go on.

In a heavy sigh of breath, the words slip out. "My mother was an alcoholic." I lift my eyes but not my head, glancing up to see Alex's reaction. I'm surprised… she doesn't even flinch.

"I'm sorry…really." She squeezes my hand, "because I know how that is." The confusing look on my face must be an incentive to go on. "My mother was too. These past weeks have been so hard because of everything she taught me. She was a woman built for her public and that's how she raised me to be."

"Was?" Her use of the past tense and detached tone clue me in.

"She passed away a while back." She states.

"Wow, I'm sorry-"

"Don't be. I'm not." She throws in quickly. I defiantly didn't expect that kind of reaction. "Why did you bring up your mother Olivia?" It takes me a minute to remember now that I've been thrown off.

"Well… um, there is something else about her that only Elliot and Cregan know. Oh, and Munch because he figured it out and he's like that." She cocks her head to the side, probably going through what terrible things my mother could have done. "My mother was drunk one night. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and she was raped." Now Alex registers shock. I was starting to think I was talking to Wong… ha. He's never surprised.

"So, you're telling me this because I was drunk?" I can feel her tension rise at the assumed accusation. She stands up from the table. "Do you think this was my fault?"

"No, no Alex! No, never!" I stand up and follow her to the other side of the kitchen. She crosses her arms over her chest and leans against the counter. I keep a foot or two between us as I go on.

"I'm telling you this because my mother decided to keep that baby. It was a very big deal for her and because she kept that baby… her drinking became worse." My face is hot and my skin is itching. I've never been so nervous and anxious before. I've never had to explain it like this before… with emotion attached. "I wanted to talk to you about it before you made your decision because I wanted to make sure, you were sure. I don't think my mother was sure and that's why she regretted it later. Eventually, I decided it wasn't my place and that you are much stronger than her and that you would make the right decision on your own." Her frown began to dissolve.

"Well, it wasn't an easy one. I'm still not totally sure. I don't think any woman in my position can be completely sure. But, that's life, isn't it?" Her wandering gaze returns to me, "I didn't know you had any siblings Liv." I was hoping I could skip that part but I knew I wasn't going to.

I take a deep breath and look at the floor. I cross my arms tightly in front of me and I'm barely audible as I say it. "I don't… I'm an only child."

There it is. She gasps. She gasps because she's disgusted. I know it. She's quiet for too long and I somehow get the courage to look up. Her face is pure pity. "Liv…"

"No Alex, I didn't tell you so you could feel bad for me." I start to feel angry. I'm angry that I told her, because I never want anyone to know. I'm angry for her sympathy. I take a step back and she knows I'm about to walk out of the room; maybe the apartment. She reaches out and grabs one of my tightly folded arms. I don't loosen the grip on myself.

"Look at me Olivia Benson. I said, look at me." I listen and look at her. Her stern stare is slightly intimidating. "I don't give pity. I never have and I don't plan to now. I do, however, give love and support where it's due." She tugs my arm but I can't find the strength to loosen it…even for her. "Olivia, please." Her unrelenting stance quickly fading to a hushed request.

It was like she figured out my password. My arms unlocked and she pulled them apart and stepped inside them. The light from the other room filtered in sparingly and it was there in my dimly lit kitchen that my horror was displayed for, what felt like, the world to see. I dropped my forehead on the shoulder of this slightly shorter woman and surrendered myself. She seemed to reach her arms around me as far and as tightly as she could as we stood there quietly.

"She can't hurt you anymore Liv." She said quietly. That was all it took for the tears that had accumulated in my eyes to escape. My chest tightened and my heart felt faint. She felt my body change with me. She rubbed my back and touched my neck, pulling my forehead off her shoulder, bringing us closer. "Now I know I made the right decision."