Twenty Eight: Alex

Here we are. Standing in her cozy kitchen, lost in everything. As I stand here, holding this woman I care so much about, I think of how perfect our timing really was in the beginning. Things were slow then; well, as slow as the Special Victims Unit could be. Then when disaster hit, it was all at once. We had our feet in the door though. Thank God, right? We were wedged into each others life barely enough to get the ball rolling. Now we readily lean on each other for support.

The trembling in her muscles is only heightening, the longer I keep her here. And while my heart is breaking for her, I'd never dare say it. Yes, here we are; broken as fuck. What a Goddamn mess.

"I'm sorry Alex," she chokes out; her chest heaving against mine. Her body heat rises with every second we stand melted together. The temperature is suffocating but I wouldn't let her go, even if my life depended on it.

"Don't Liv," I tell her. I know what she's thinking. She's thinking she's selfish for even sharing her pain when she knows so much about mine. I would tell her that this is life, it happens, but she wouldn't listen. Instead I sigh and tell her to just breathe. She mirrors me and her trembling decreases.

"I shouldn't put this on you," she begins but I pull back just enough to look at her.

"Olivia, don't do that. You don't want me to feel sorry, so you can't either… Let's go sit." I keep my arm snuggly around her waist as we head into the living room. She drops her tired body onto the couch first and I follow. She turns her body to face mine and takes my hand, absently touching and measuring it.

"I bet you didn't expect that," she laughs sarcastically and rests her head on the back of the couch to focus on the ceiling.

"You're amazing," I say; the words slipping from my tongue before I can stop them.

"What?" She wipes her face with her sleeve and gives me a quizzical look.

"Look at us Liv. You've done so much for me. You're the only person I could possibly lean on. Honestly…" I look down embarrassed for the words that I'm about to say, "I wouldn't have had anyone to turn to without you. I guess I don't really make that many friends." We laugh half heartedly as I picture the criminals I face and the lawyers I scream at. I'm sure she's picturing the despicable humanity she faces daily as well.

"Alex, I'm sure-" I look up quickly to stop what I don't want to hear. She's sure many people like me. I know it's what she's going to say. Even if there were, it would only matter what one person thinks of me…

"I wouldn't trust anyone with this… with me. I mean, gosh, I don't know." Suddenly I feel stupid. Why is it that I just can't I just spit it out? "The sides of me that have come out recently… they're hideous. Anyone else would run with that and use it against me." I look up and she's staring at me with such intensity that I look away again, in all efforts to finish my thought. I fumble over those thoughts as I attempt to continue. "You've protected me in every way you can."

We are still for a moment. I'm about to say thank you when I feel her shift her weight. She moves closer, the couch sinks between us and I lean into her involuntary… almost. Her fingers graze my cheek bone and a chill runs through ever bone it can. I close my eyes and as she removes her hand from my skin I let out a suppressed breath and turn my head away from her. I want to say those words to her, those words that just won't form.

"Alex," she whispers in a crippled breath, "it's because I love you." I turn suddenly too meet her eyes and to say it back but as I'm in mid motion, she pulls the back of my neck towards her, closing the small space between us.

It's been so long since I've felt Olivia's lips on mine. God, I've missed this feeling. My heart racing, my heavy breathing; everything about her. She's slow and gentle. I can taste the salt on her lips and feel the heat from her face. Should we be doing this? We're so intense; always needing, always craving, then needing to walk away for long periods of time. I don't think I can handle her distance again.

"Olivia," I pull back breathless. "I…"

"I'm sorry," she quickly apologizes.

"No, it's just…" I focus hard on her face; at the intense look gazing back at me. "I don't want to ruin what we have."

"Our friendship?" She asks with a twinge of defeat in her tone.

"No…our relationship." She tries to smile at me. "We're too much for each other. We act on our feelings in these emotional episodes we have." Our faces are inches apart and I place my hand lightly on the side of her face. "You are everything I will ever need in a person. I don't plan on letting you slip away."

"I won't Alex, I swear." She places her hand over the one I have against her face and curls our fingers together. "I've never been good at making these kinds of things work but I'll do everything I can. Being here with you… it's just natural to me. Telling you about my life and about my mother… telling you things comes naturally too."

"I'm glad. I really am. I just think we've had a hell of a week and we need to relax and take everything in." What the hell am I saying? Why do I have to be the responsible adult here when all I want to do is jump her bones? This is not an easy thing for me to be saying to Olivia but she's reading me well and agreeing. I know, she knows what I'm talking about and why I'm saying what I'm saying. Even if I don't want to be saying it. I feel like I'm taking advantage of her situation and her vulnerability.

"Lay with me?" She asks after a moment of silence between us.

"I'll fall asleep out here. I know I will. Let's just go to bed." I suggest and she nods and smiles.

She stands and switches off all the lights, except for dim night light that paves a small path in the darkness of her hall to her bedroom. The lights from the city streets filter into her bedroom as always and she tosses her pants and sweater on the floor. I mimic her actions and we slip into the cold bed. The crisp sheets make me shiver and I kick my legs under the blankets. I hear her laugh and I slide over to her.

"Thank you for being so patient with me," I tell her as I rest my head on her chest. She pulls the blankets up to my shoulders.

"I told you, I'd be whatever you needed, whenever you needed it." The sincerity in her voice melts me and I press my body tighter to her side. I feel her relax under the contact. I'm glad to be sharing this bed with her again. I'm glad to be happy with her presence, with the feel of her skin, with the sound of her breathing. It's what I've needed to bring me back from wherever it was that I lost myself.

"I haven't felt this safe or this relaxed in a long time. I've been so tense and angry lately… I haven't slept. Especially knowing that I was driving you crazy."

"Alex," she stops the rant before it escalates. "It's good you're feeling better. Why don't you try and sleep?" She suggests. I feel her fingers run through my hair and I relax. I work myself up so easily, no wonder I'm a head case. Feeling Olivia's nails along my scalp just puts me under. My eyelids suddenly grow impossibly heavy.

Before I completely slip away, my groggy voice leaves her with the only thought left in my mind, "Liv, I love you too." Her hand stops moving and I feel her stretch her neck to reach to place a kiss on my forehead. Her fingers resume their slow travel through my messy hair and I welcome the sleep that over takes me.