Note: I do not normally write anything JS but I had this idea and thought I would do it. It's just a little thing that came to my head. I hope you like it. I would appriciate any comments you have…. Thank you.
Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING
I remember how I felt when we found out Martin would be okay. It isn't how I thought I would. As his boss, as his friend I shouldn't admit to it but some part of me, as small as it was, felt disappointment. I can't believe I am actually saying these words, but I felt disappointed he had escaped death's grip when it had such a strong hold on him.
Most of me felt relief. Relief that the young man with so much potential will get a chance to fulfil it. I felt relief that Danny would have a lot less guilt to deal with now Martin would live through it. I felt relief that with Viv making it through her surgery okay we could have the team back together. I felt relief that Sam wouldn't feel the pain of losing the man she loves.
I don't care that they split up. I know she still loves him. I can tell from her eyes, they are the same eyes that loved me. I remember that look. I can still see it as I close my eyes to go to sleep. I still miss her, hell, I miss everything about her. I want to be able to hold her and kiss her and have her to come home to. I ended the affair so I wouldn't lose my wife, my two beautiful girls, but I lost them anyway. Now I have nothing. No wife. No daughters. No Sam. I've lost everything I cared for, and there is no way I can get it back. If Sam didn't love Martin I think I could.
So, I felt disappointed that Martin still stood between Sam and I being together. Between us being happy together. Somewhere in my twisted logic I thought about how I would console her once her life had been shattered. I pictured hugging her tight, letting her cry on my shoulder, having he fall asleep in my arms while I took in the beauty, her smell, her presence. In my thoughts I was sacrificing Martin for my chance of happiness, and that is unforgivable.
I am unforgivable.