Forty One: Olivia

I can hear Elliot mumbling but I can't bring myself to open my eyes. My body feels so weary. I'm somewhere between consciousness and sleep. I feel a warm blanket being draped over me.

"That's better," he says quietly. I hear him drag a chair up close to me. "God Olivia…" His voice is sad and tired.

I hear the faint beep of a heart monitor… I'm right back where I started; the hospital. I feel Elliot take my hand. His are warm and soft… and shaking. The heart monitor beeps a little faster.

"You can hear me can't you?" he asks. "You knew this was going to happen. I don't know how, but… you just knew. That's why you said all that stuff outside the lodge." It's more of a statement than a question. I want to open my eyes, squeeze his hand… anything. I want him to know I can hear him, but I can't move. I'm sore and I'm guessing it's just all the medicine in me, keeping me so sedated.

"How's our girl?" I hear Fin's voice enter the room. Elliot sniffs fast. Was he crying? He's got to know I'll be okay. He let's go of my hand as I hear Fin approach. Too much of a tough guy, I guess. "So what happened out there?" Fin asks softly.

"Oh man," Elliot sighs heavily, "it's kind of confusing. I'll give you the cheated version I guess. Julie, Hallie's twin sister, showed up out of no where. She shot Robert for getting Alex pregnant; I'm assuming something was going on with those two. Dom shot Julie for shooting Robert, but he missed. Julie came at Dom and Alex with a knife but I managed to stop her. Olivia took advantage of Dom's distraction and jumped on him. She shot him like three times. I told her to stop. Anymore bullets and it wouldn't look like self defense anymore." They were silent for a moment.

"Damn," Fin finally spoke.

"Yeah, so Liv got Alex but Julie was wrestling with me and kicked me square in the boys… I lost my grip on her."

"El, you can't be blamin' yourself. I know that look." Fin points out.

"She got away from me and stabbed Alex and Liv. Alex could loose that baby because I didn't stop Julie." I had no idea that's what happened… What's happened to Alex?

"Come on Elliot, don't say that." Fin tries to reason with him.

"Olivia was just trying to protect Alex. I knew she'd do that at all costs. Now look at her," his voice gently shakes as though he's on the verge of tears. God Elliot, you know me. This is all on me, how can you think any of this is your fault? I wish I could tell you. I wish I didn't feel so helpless.

"How'd Julie get to Liv if she had on her vest?" Fin questioned.

"When Liv covered Alex, Julie just swung at her until she got her on the side. You know, that space between the front and back," Elliot explained.

I got stabbed? I don't even remember. I just remember covering Alex. My mind was on one track and that's it.

"Gees, poor girl. How's Alex doin'?" Fin asks what I am dying to know. "Where is she?"

"I don't know how she is. She's still in surgery. Liv went in a second sooner because she was bleeding out. Alex had a lot more tests because of the baby and all. They'll be bringing her in here later I guess. They tried to tell me to go home," Elliot half laughed, "but I'm stayin'."

"Elliot, I'll stay with Liv for a while. A lot happened tonight, you should go home and see your family." Fin offered.

"I shouldn't leave," he answered distracted.

"Kathy's called twice El… You could have died tonight. You need to go see them. Liv will be okay. She's a fighter…they both are," Fin points out and I hear Elliot's sigh of defeat.

"You're right… I need to see my family," I hear him get up and to my surprise he kisses my head. "Come back to us Liv," he whispers and I hear him leave the room swiftly.

What's that commotion? I open my eyes and turn my head slightly to see a nurse adjusting some kind of machinery through my blurry eyes. I blink lazily over and over until my vision clears. God, I feel like I've been hit by a truck. The nurse walks away from the bed revealing… her. The nurse jots some things on her clipboard and scurries away.

"Alex," I whisper. No answer. Oh man, I'm so tired. It's hard to do anything.

I give myself a minute to wake up and I manage to sit myself up. Holy shit, it hurts to bad. I look down to see stitches in my side. I look like a God damn rag doll. I pull my covers away slowly and turn, lowering my feet to the cold tile. I hold on to the railing of the bed for balance and straighten as much as I can. I shuffle over to her bed and look over her tired face. She looks so peaceful, lying here quietly. All I can do is thank God she's laying here and not the damn morgue.

I sit up on her bed, facing her. I reach out and touch her face. It's warm and I smile for a minute. You won't let anyone stop you, huh? You'd never take no for an answer. Not even from the big guy. I run my fingers through her soft hair. I fix it for her, stroking it silently. I don't think I've ever felt so grateful for something before. Being able to sit here with her, it's unbelievable.

I look her over. I lift her hand and touch her scratched palm gingerly with my fingertips. I inspect small cuts on her chin and shoulder. It must've happened when we fell.

I rest my hand on her stomach absently as I search her face for any other little injuries. That's when I notice it. I look down at my hand. I pull it away and glance at her still face before I pull her blanket down… It's… flat.

"Oh no," I whisper aloud to no one. "Oh God."

Alex's stomach is flat. The baby is gone. Alex's little girl… our baby girl we were going to take care of and love… she's gone. All those horrible days that Alex wrestled with her decision on what to do with this baby… all the reasons why we pushed away from each other only to come back stronger… all for nothing.

"Ohhhh noo," I repeat to myself as tears fill my eyes. My breathing becomes hitched and I cover my mouth to keep quiet but I can't. My crying begins as I let out my suppressed breath. I touch her stomach again, double checking, even though it's painfully obvious. My chest tightens and I let myself cry hard. Tears stream down my hot face.

"Alex… no. Open your eyes," I tell her, now choking through my sobbing. "Honey please wake up." I know she's out from surgery but I need her. I need her now. Wake up. I lean forward and lower myself next to her. Why did that innocent baby have to die? Why did this innocent woman have to endure all this? I just don't understand.

"Alexandra, please… talk to me," I push my face into her neck. I'm curled up against her, pleading with her, with anything, for her to just open her eyes. I feel pathetic and lost; like a child. I feel her twitch against me and I snap my head up and wait for something to happen.

"Alex?" Her eyes lazily open and meet mine. "Are you okay?" I ask, my voice shaking. She smiles sideways at me. A tear drops from my cheek and her smile fades fast.

"You're here…we're okay," she says relieved. "Why are you crying?" How do I tell her? What do I say?

I pick up her hand and lay it on her stomach. "I'm so sorry…" The tears begin to flow again. I'm a mess. I can't hold it together, not even for her. "Baby, I'm so so-r-r-ry." My voice cracks inside a staggered breath. I wipe my nose on my sleeve as I say these muffled words to her. She just looks at me blankly.

I feel her go to sit up so I sit up first, moving back fast to let her. She looks down quietly at our hands. My hand gently overlaps hers. I think she wants me to let go so I go to take it away. She stops me with the other.

I want to say something. I want to ask her what she's thinking. I want to ask why she's not speaking. But my mouth is closed so tight, holding in my silent hysterics. My chest bounces and my sharp breaths are all that can be heard until I hear Alex take a deep breath.

"IT'S NOT FAAAAIR!" Alex's shriek startles me and I almost fall backwards off her bed. She turns and throws her arms around my waist. "I just can't do this anymore!" She sobs into my paper thin shirt. I hold her as tightly as I can without hurting her. She hits her head against my sternum.

"I know, I know," I don't feel so reassuring with my words coming through my own cries.

"Ms. Cabot?" A nurse asks, about to enter.

"Get out!" I yell bitterly to her. The young woman jumps and hesitates. "I said GO!" She turns on her heal and leaves us.

I rock Alex gently in my arms for a long time until her sobbing hushes to a soft weep. My heart has broken for her. Where do we even go from here? Everything we've come to know is shattered. Every idea of security… is gone.

"Olivia?" Elliot's soft voice filters my ears as I feel his hand on my shoulder. Instinctively I lean towards Alex; protecting her. I realize I had fallen asleep, holding Alex in her bed. I roll slightly to look over my shoulder at Elliot.

"These doctors need to check on you guys," he says with a half smile, "but they're afraid of you." The smile dissipates fast. "Come on Liv." He holds his hand out to me. I look back at Alex. "She's okay, come on."

I see the nurse behind him, clutching her clipboard against her like a shield. Elliot helps me sit up. I don't want to leave her. I can't stand the thought of even crossing the room. I sit at the edge of the bed and shake my head. Elliot understands.

"Do her check up here," he says to the nurse. She nods and approaches me. "I'll be right outside and then we'll talk okay?" I just look at him. "Uh… okay," he says, unsure how to handle the situation. He nods to the nurse and leaves the room.

The nurse checks my breathing, my pulse; the usual .She checks on the bandages on my side. "You're all set Ms. Benson," she says turning to Alex. I sit up straight and she hesitates, "I'm just checking her incision… the monitors will take care of the rest." I watch as the nurse nervously presses Alex's stomach, under my scrutinizing gaze. Alex flinches and I slap her hand away without thinking. She gives me a look then says quietly, "I'll be back in an hour to check her vitals." She exits awkwardly.

Elliot returns and pulls up a chair. I don't know what to say. I feel empty and depressed. My eyes are open, I'm breathing, I hear Elliot ask me if I'm okay but it's like nothing computes. I can't think. I feel like I'm drugged up or something but it's just my body, unaware of what to do with all this.

"Liv? Are you listening?" I stare at him. "Well, I called your union rep okay? She's coming to see you tomorrow at 9 a.m. You guys should both be out by the end of the week. Alex might have to stay longer," I end his mindless speech instantly.

"I'm not leaving her," I say simply. My words catch him by surprise. He must've been here 20 minutes and I haven't said a word until now.

"I don't think they'll let you stay as long as she does Liv," he says unsure.

"I'll sleep in your chair," I say. He looks down at the cheap chair with metal arms. He goes to protest but knows better. We won't be getting anywhere today.

"I'll see what I can do." I'm grateful to him but I can't tell him. I can't tell him anything right now. He wants to know if I'm okay. He wants to know if I'm sore or if I want to talk. He wants to hear anything from me. So I give him something.

"Go home Elliot… hug your wife. Spend time…with your kids." My words sound harsh but I can't help it. He has four children. Four beautiful kids missing his presence. Thanks to this night, Alex won't even get to meet hers; neither will I. He opens his mouth to speak but I turn from him. I resume my spot, lying beside Alex. I wrap a protective arm around her and ignore Elliot until a moment later, I hear his footsteps disappear into the hall.