Forty Two: Alex

"Alex?" I hear Olivia come in the front door but I don't move from my spot by the window. I'm in such a weird mood. Well, I guess that's the understatement of the year. It's been two weeks since we've been back here, in Olivia's apartment and she's been tip toeing around me since. Normally I would hate that but somehow, it's been comforting. She's always asking me what I need, even though I always tell her that I'm fine. I hear her grocery bags hit the kitchen table as she sits carefully beside me on the couch.

"Listen, I stopped by the station today," she says softly. "I talked the Captain and he said I could have another week off."

"Liv, you don't need to baby sit me." I tell her gently, even though I'd love for her to just stay with me. Truth be told, I'm scared to be out there… I'm scared to be in here; to be anywhere. My days are filled with thoughts of how Hallie will get revenge when she gets out in a year and my nights are filled with Dominic's face screaming me out of sleep.

"Alex?" She takes my hand. The look of concern is the only one she's been wearing these days. "I want to take you out of the city, okay?"

"What do you mean?" Where would she take us?

"I want to take you somewhere really special." She looks away from me. Olivia, shy? That's a good one. "I think you should get out of here for a bit so you can relax." I go to protest because I don't feel much like traveling but she knows me to well. "Before you say no… A, I need this as much as you do. So much has happened and God… I almost lost you. I mean, what would I have done? I want to take you somewhere special because I want us to be close because of the care we have for each other, not because of the tragedy. Not that the tragedy isn't important… I, uh-." She's always so worried about offending me. It's almost cute to watch her put her foot in her mouth but I would let her torture herself.

"I'll go with you." I tell her. I tell her because she's right. This emptiness in me; this chaos… maybe a trip will ease that pain. Who knows? I have nothing to loose.

"Really?" Her eyes light up and I almost want to smile at her childlike surprise. Instead I nod. "I'm glad. You won't regret it, I promise." She kissed my cheek before silently retreating to the kitchen to fix dinner.

i "You thought you could get away Ms. Cabot? You're as dumb as your detective! She will never have you! You belong to us! Robert is your husband!" Dominic sneers pushing Robert into me. His hands immediately roam my body. I push them away but he touches me anyway.
"GET AWAY! OLIVIA, I'M HERE!" I try to scream but it's so hard.

"She can't hear you Alex, she's dead! I killed her!" Dominic laughs in my face.

"Olivia's not dead! I'M HERE OLIVIA! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!" I just have this feeling. She can't be dead, she just can't be! Robert starts shaking my shoulders and I start hitting him.

"Ow!" Olivia? I can hear her but where is she? I've got to get away from Robert and find her! "Alex, baby, wake up." What? Wait, I… "Alex?" Olivia. /i

I open my eyes and Olivia's holding my shoulder with one hand and blocking my waving fists with the other. I pull back. Dammit! This isn't going to ever stop!

"Are you okay?" She's hurt that I won't let her comfort me. I don't know why I won't either. I don't know the half of what's wrong with why I won't let myself start to heal.

"I need to take a shower," I say. She sighs heavily and scratches her head. "I feel gross."

"Alex, it's three in the morning. Maybe we shouldn't get in the habit of doing this every night." She's exhausted. I know she is. It's written in her features and lined in every breath she takes. She doesn't sleep well either, but she doesn't sleep at all when I'm up and down all night. I can't help it. I just feel so gross. I feel dirty when I think of those people. Those men who did what they wanted. Then I feel cold. Like I'm in that basement… like I'm still running through those woods. I'm just so cold all the time. Olivia thinks I'm crazy, I'm sure.

"Just go back to sleep, I'm fine," I tell her. But I'm not fine. I would crush my own skull if I knew the thoughts would never again return but then I see her. She's got this sad look, like a house cat that's begging you to let her run outside. Or in this case, begging me to let her in. As much as I want to drop off the earth, I selfishly love being near her and seeing her face.

I lazily drag myself into the shower. It's bright and I feel safe because I can see everything but I'm hidden by the steam at the same time. It's perfect. I can't get enough of it. I just stand under the scolding water and wait for the goose bumps to retreat under my skin and my body temperature to rise.

I hear the shower door open. I'm leaning sloppily against the wall and if I turn I'll probably fall over. I feel her arms snake around my waist and she rests her chin on my shoulder. We stand there silent. The water beats loudly against the walls. I want to justify, again, why I'm standing here.

"I'm so cold. I'm sorry," I tell her. I tell her this every night I wander in here. Sometimes in the middle of the afternoon, this feeling washes over me and get in here and scrub my skin until it's so raw I can't feel the water hit it.

"It's okay. Wong said it will stop over time. You'll feel better soon," Olivia reassures. She's good to me; better than I could ever expect. Maybe better than I deserve. She knows I hate being alone… even in the shower. The shadows even scare me sometimes. I'll turn around fast thinking it's someone coming up behind me but it's never anything. I don't know. I don't if I'll ever be the same. I don't even want to think about the baby. It's easier to learn how to separate myself from that.

"You don't have to-" I start, but I tell her every night and she's ready.

"Alexandra." When she says my name like that I still feel chills. She's said it before and I guess she doesn't really need to repeat it. She's not going to leave me. She's going to make sure I'm safe. All I can think is, thank God someone is catching me before I hit the ground. Hopefully it will be Olivia's love that will save me from myself and bring me back to life because right now I don't even know who I am.

"Liv, what are you doing?" I walk into her bedroom and she's unloading her dresser into a carry on suitcase.

"I'm packing. Remember, you agreed to let me take you out of the city," she reminded me with a sideways smile.

"Exactly how far are we going?" I ask as she piles her t-shirts on the bed.

"It's a surprise but we're leaving tonight," she says nonchalantly.

"Tonight! We can't leave tonight," I say, immediately getting defensive. I can't just up and leave!

"Why? Do you have somewhere to be?" she asks sarcastically knowing full well I'm not going anywhere.

"It's not the point," I say, my mind starts to wander. "We didn't plan. I didn't plan. There's no schedule. I don't know about this."

"Alex," Olivia abandons the suitcase and holds my shoulders, bowing her head to meet my eyes. "Trust me. Sweetheart, let me take care of you. I want to do this for you because you deserve it. Don't fight it, okay? I think it's really important that we go. I can't stress that enough." How can I fight her? How can I say no to that face; those eyes bearing into me? I sigh and my shoulders sink. "Don't look so disappointed. It will be wonderful… and it will be warm. You might not even need to take so many showers."

I trust Olivia. I trust her with everything. That's something I've never done before. She would protect me at all costs. Every time I catch her wince because she turned the wrong way makes me feel horribly guilty. Now, she's begging me to let her try and heal me to. I'm an idiot for resisting her. She's trying so hard to make things right even though none of this is even her fault. She's so amazing.

I step forward and kiss her softly, as though I could break her in a minute. She kisses me back equally as fragile and I feel her fingers lightly weave through my hair. It's not about passion right now; it's about gratitude and appreciation. She didn't expect this because I've been so distant but she welcomes it.

"I'm sure we'll have a great time… wherever it is." She smiles.