Disclaimer: I don't even own a Darth Tater toy, after which I am named, so what makes u think I own the following characters and TV show? It belongs to Tammy, gecko, double secret, and MGM. I also don't own transcripts for season one, they are courtesy of Hint. Hint.
"Okay, today, as some of the loverly readers in the audience out there might have guessed, we're watching the show Stargate SG-1. I was going to just use a few episodes from each season, but when I looked at a list of episodes, I realized they were all too influential. So, I've created a table of contents here below, like a program, so people will know what's in store. And for the benefit of anyone out there who guessed from the disclaimer what was in store for this chapter, AKA, any Stargate fans who will actually get something from this information. That and so anyone who doesn't care about Stargate can skip the 173 or so chapters consumed by Stargate. By the time I finish all that, I'll prolly have to add on season 9, but whatever. At this point here's a list of all Stargate episodes through season 3. if I make it that far. This fic is mainly aimed at Stargate fans, and if u aren't a fan of Stargate, it's not meant for you.
Chapters, Top
Setup
Children of the Gods
The Enemy Within
Emancipation
The Broca Divide
The First Commandment
Cold Lazarus
The Nox Brief Candle
Thor's hammer
Torment of Tantalus
Bloodlines
Fire and Water
Hathor
Singularity
Cor-Ai
Enigma
Solitudes
Tin Man
There But for the Grace of God
Politics
Within The Serpent's Grasp
The Serpent's Lair
In the line of duty
Prisoners
The Gamekeeper
Need
Back to top
Thor's Chariot
Message in a Bottle
Family
Secrets
Bane
The Tok'ra, Part 1
The Tok'ra, Part 2
Spirits
Touchstone
A Matter of time
Fifth race
Serpent's song
Holiday
One false step
Show and tell
1969
Out of Mind
Into The Fire
Seth
Fair Game Legacy
Learning Curve
Point of View
Deadman Switch
Demons
Rules of Engagement
Forever in a Day
Past and Present
Jolinar's Memories
The Devil You Know
Foothold
Pretense
Urgo
A Hundred Days
Shades of Grey
New Ground
Maternal Instinct
Crystal Skull
Nemesis
Ok, this is… Children of the Gods. I'm gonna be using an online transcript for the benefit of any poor non-Stargate fans, in the hopes that it will encourage them to watch. And, I am giving my word as a geek that all Stargate related information will be accurate, unless otherwise specified. If I go against this, feel free to criticize. And I'll be taking out a few insignificant lines. I took out most of the scene descriptions, cuz they really are a bit long winded. And any comments will be script style, but in bold. And any weird words will be defined if at all possible.
Kree: Yoo-hoo, look, attention, over here, etc.
Jaffa: the name of the race of the servants of the Goa'uld
Goa'uld: Evil Parasitic Aliens
Abydos: Planet where Ra ruled, and Daniel went
Stargate: Big stone ring made of naquadah that transports people to other planets
Naquadah: Material the Stargate is made out of
SGC: Stargate Command
NID: Bad people on Earth, I still don't know what it stands for
Teal'c: A guy
Skaara: Daniel Jackson's brother in law
Sha're/Shau'ri: Daniel Jackson's wife
Kasuf: Daniel Jackson's father in law
Lol.
Children of the Gods
Fade in on an aerial shot of the Gate room, which is largely unused; all the equipment in the control room is covered in tarps, as is the equipment in the actual embarkation room itself. Near the left exit, a card table is set up, and four Air Force officers, three male and one female, are playing poker. A fifth crosses the room to join them. One man is dealing, and another is holding a thick cigar in his teeth.
Daine: Wait, where are they? What's under that big sheet? Don't they know cigars are bad for their health?
DEALER: Oh, man, this hand's as lousy as this detail. (The fifth player sits down.) All right, everybody in or out.
Kel: Hey, isn't poker unethical?
The camera pans down as he deals the final card, focusing on the lone female officer, an attractive blonde-
Jon: wolf whistles
Thayet: smacks Jon
at the table. Behind her, covered by a gray tarp, is the inactive Stargate.
WOMAN: Aren't you guys afraid of an officer coming down here or something?
SMOKER: Trust me. Nobody ever comes down here but us.
Behind the tarp, something stirs ever so slightly. The female officer notices, and starts in surprise.
WOMAN: Does that thing always do that?
DEALER: (not looking up from his cards) Do what?
WOMAN: Whatever it is under the tarp! I just... (glances back at it briefly) saw it move or do something!
SMOKER: Probably the only thing it ever did was cost money.
DEALER: Yeah, it looks like they ran out of that. Been shippin' personnel out of here for months.
Again, something shifts beneath the tarp, the movement more noticeable than before. The woman is the only one to notice, however.
WOMAN: I'm telling you, that thing is moving!
SMOKER: (removing the cigar) If you don't have the straight, just fold.
Alanna: Ohmigosh, those chauvinistic pigs! She's noticing something important, and trying to warn them and they're ignoring her!
Instead of answering, she gets up from her chair to investigate.
DEALER: Can we take that as a fold?
She ignores them, moving slowly and cautiously up the ramp towards the Stargate. Behind her, the others resume their game.
SMOKER: (off camera) Just finish the hand. She's out.
As the female officer gets halfway up the ramp, the covered Gate creaks somewhat. She takes two more steps, and suddenly the ramp starts shaking, the railings groaning and creaking under the tremor. Immediately, she backs away. The poker table is shaking as well, the chips and cards scattering. The other four officers get to their feet as their comrade stumbles to the bottom of the ramp, nearly losing her balance entirely. Cut back to the Gate. The tarp is rippling and billowing like water, and starts to slide away. As the Gate starts to spin, the tarp is fairly blown off of the Gate, tossed into the air and slipping to the floor. The officers watch in shock as the Stargate continues to spin, the chevrons locking in place.
WOMAN: I take it this has never happened before?
Neal: No shit!
The smoking officer dashes over to the emergency phone on the far wall, lifting the receiver to his ear. Before he can move another muscle, the wormhole activates, shooting forth a watery bluish-white plume of energy particles. In his shock, the officer drops the receiver as the plume recedes, leaving the active wormhole. The other four are retrieving weapons from a nearby crate. As the three armed officers hang back, the woman steps forward, weapon at the ready as she moves up the ramp.
DEALER: What are you doing?
Dom: Seriously, doesn't she know never to get to know the unknown?
Kel: Where'd you get that theory?
Ignoring him, she continues up the ramp, slowly and cautiously, her attention completely focused on the anomaly before her. As she approaches the wormhole, the officer who was dealing positions himself at the bottom of the ramp. The female officer reaches the wormhole and stops, reaching out a hand to touch it. Before her fingers can make contact, a metal sphere about the size of an orange is tossed through the wormhole. It bounces once on the ramp before landing by her feet. The object is completely spherical except for an aperture at the top, its shape resembling that of a novelty "magic" 8-ball. As the female officer turns, rays of golden light suddenly shine from the aperture, catching her in a scanning beam that travels over her. The scanning over with, it continues to glow. The four other officers stand there, dumbstruck. The officer by the emergency phone flattens himself against the wall. The light dies away, and the woman kneels down, reaching for the sphere to inspect it.
DEALER: (off camera) What are you doing?
SMOKER: (off camera) Don't touch it!
George: Don't touch something completely foreign!
Despite their cries, she picks the sphere up. Nothing happens.
George: Something's gonna happen!
Slowly, she gets to her feet, trading a quick glance with the dealer. Cut to a view of her with the wormhole in the background. Just as she straightens up, an armored figure with a helmet shaped like a serpent steps through the wormhole, grabbing her. The sphere drops onto the ramp. She only manages a surprised gasp as the Serpent Guard wraps an arm around her neck, yanking her weapon from her grasp with his free hand. The officer by the emergency phone draws a handgun, training it on the intruder. The Serpent Guard is holding the woman in front of him like a shield.
George: See? See? What did I say?
DEALER: Hold your fire! (As three more Serpent Guards step through the wormhole) Hold it!
Cut back to the Gate as the final armored figure steps through. His armor is similar in design to the others, but unlike theirs, his is made of gold or a similar metal to indicate his status. From the camera angle, it is apparent that there are now eight armored figures on the ramp - six guards are assembled in two rows on the ramp, blocking their leader and the guard who has the female officer in a headlock. Behind the leader, the wormhole shuts off. The camera closes in on him, moving past the assembled guards to close up on the leader and the first guard, still holding the woman captive. The leader's helmet retracts with a snap to reveal the more or less human face of Apophis.
APOPHIS: Jaffa! Kree!
The first guard's helmet retracts to reveal Teal'c, the First Prime of Apophis. He glances at his prisoner, then at the weapon he's confiscated, studying it briefly.
Darth Tater: Plot point!
APOPHIS: Teal'c! Kree!
Almost reluctantly, Teal'c tosses the weapon aside, shoving the woman over to Apophis.
Darth Tater: Yeah Teal'c!
Cynthia: Wait... isn't he bad?
Darth Tater: Beside the point.
WOMAN: Get... off... me!
Apophis opens the palm of his free hand, activating the ribbon device and shining it before her eyes. Mesmerized by the device, she ceases to struggle against his grip.
Dom: Wow, I really need to get one of those things, maybe then I'd get a date.
Kel: smacks Dom for his obvious butt-headedness
DEALER: Let her go!
For answer, one of the guards lowers his staff weapon and fires. The blast just misses the dealer, striking the wall instead. The officers return fire, taking cover behind the unused equipment. Teal'c, with the female officer back in his grasp, turns his back to the officers, their bullets bouncing harmlessly off his armor as he shields the captive. None of the bullets seem to pierce the Serpent Guards' armor at first, and a well-aimed staff blast catches an officer in the midsection, sending him sprawling backwards over the card table. Another officer, this one with a buzz cut, moves around one of the piles of equipment, firing repeatedly at the guard who shot down his comrade. After several shots, a bullet finds a weak spot, and the Serpent Guard falls. Apophis stares, surprised to see one of his men go down. The dealer, crouched behind equipment, is firing like a maniac, yelling as he sprays bullets left and right. Seeing that he might have cover fire, the officer who was smoking makes a break for the phone again, picking up the receiver. Apophis, unfortunately, spots him.
APOPHIS: Kree jai'a, Jaffa!
In response, one of the guards fires.
SMOKER: (into receiver) Ninety-five down here! We need --
The blast hits him square in the back, and he slumps to the floor.
Daine: Well, that's mean of them. He was just calling for help, and they killed him.
Darth Tater: That's the point. They're the bad guys. They do a lot of bad things. That's why they're bad.
Buzz-cut continues to fire on the Serpent Guards, but he, too, is hit. The dealer is the last one standing. He lets out a yell, spraying bullets left and right, taking out another Serpent Guard in his fury. The guard falls over the railing. Another fires his staff weapon, striking the dealer, who collapses. Their opposition gone, the guards cease firing. Cut to a shot of one of the officers, lying dead on the floor with blood covering his neck and hand. He is still clutching his firearm. Cut to the smoker, also dead. Cut back to Apophis.
APOPHIS: Kon! Ans'li!
Cut to exterior corridors as a troop of soldiers runs down the hall towards the camera.
Darth Tater: Actually, do you know that's the exact same shot they use for backup to the gate room for like the next eight seasons? I think they just filmed it once.
Everyone else: glares at Darth Tater for not shutting up
OFFICER: Go! Go!
They turn into an adjacent corridor, entering a passage to another chamber. Behind them, a heavy white partition swings closed.
Cut back to the room housing the Stargate. The wormhole has been reactivated. Apophis, the female officer, and one Serpent Guard are left standing on the ramp; the others have gone through. Apophis is holding the subdued woman. The Serpent Guard kneels to pick up the spherical scanning device. The door marked "C-1" slides open to admit the group of soldiers, who ready their weapons and drop into position upon entering the room. General Hammond is right behind them, and the camera cuts to him for a moment as he stares in shock at the scene before him. The Serpent Guard is holding the female officer by the collar of her shirt, and she does not resist, still under the effects of the ribbon device.
HAMMOND: Hold your fire!
The soldiers obey, keeping their weapons ready as the two groups face off for a moment, Hammond and Apophis staring at each other. Apophis' eyes glow briefly - much to Hammond's shock - before his helmet closes up again. He turns and walks through the wormhole, followed by Teal'c, still holding their hostage, and the remaining Serpent Guard. The wormhole shuts off. Hammond walks slowly up the ramp, staring in shock at the now-dormant Stargate.
Raul: Well, that sucked. So, all the guys just died and they kidnapped the girl and have no idea where they went?
Darth Tater: Yeah, Pretty much. I'm tired of being the only one here, I'm calling for backup.
Stina: Hi, I'm "Darth Tater's" cousin. Not sure why she calls me Stina, but it's good for a penname. She called me here cuz I like Stargate.
OPENING CREDITS
Numair: Wow, that's incredible. That ring- can you imagine how it's possible to travel to other star systems through that? It must be magic!
Darth Tater: Psh, there's no such thing as magic. At least, not here.
Numair: Now, that's not true- tries to do something, but fails
Darth Tater: Told you so
Night. A car pulls up in front of Jack O'Neill's house and Major Samuels climbs out. He walks up to the front porch and knocks on the door. No one answers, and the camera pans up to the roof.
DRIVER: Sir. There's a ladder over here.
The view pans up to show O'Neill on the roof, looking at the night sky through a telescope. A laptop rests on a small table beside him. Samuels climbs up the ladder to join O'Neill.
SAMUELS: Colonel Jack O'Neill?
O'NEILL:(not looking up) Retired.
SAMUELS: I'm Major Samuels.
O'NEILL: Air Force?
SAMUELS: Yes, sir. I'm the General's executive officer.
O'NEILL:A little piece of advice, Major? Get re-assed to NASA. That's where all the action's gonna be. (Brief shot of O'Neill's POV, at the cluster of stars in the scope.) Out there.
Numair: Wait-what's NASA?
Stina: Shut up.
SAMUELS: I'm under orders to bring you to General Hammond, sir.
O'NEILL: Never heard of him.
SAMUELS: He replaced General West. He says it's important. Has to do with the Stargate.
Hearing that, O'Neill finally turns away from the telescope.
Numair: What's that thing he's using to look at the stars? And what's a Stargate?
Same evening. The car passes through a military gate, heavily guarded by soldiers, heading down into a tunnel cut into the side of the mountain - the entrance to the Cheyenne Mountain Complex. Cut to a shot of an elevator shaft, then the interior of the elevator, where O'Neill and another officer are standing. O'Neill notices how deep they're descending - the elevator goes all the way down to Sub-Level 11.
The elevator doors slide open, and O'Neill follows the officer down the corridors, looking around curiously.
INTERCOM: Red team number 9 to Sub-Level 2, red shaft 24.
They stop at a security checkpoint, and O'Neill signs in on a clipboard. The officer leads him to another elevator.
OFFICER: We have to take a second elevator the rest of the way, sir. It's a long way down.
O'Neill hands the clipboard back as the officer opens the elevator, and they step inside.
O'NEILL: I've been here before.
OFFICER: Ah. Of course.
Gary: Were we supposed to know that?
He presses a button, and the elevator doors close. They open on the lowest level, and O'Neill and the officer step out to meet Samuels, who is waiting for them.
SAMUELS: This way, sir.
Cut to Hammond's office. Hammond is looking over a report when Samuels pounds on the door.
HAMMOND: Come.
Samuels enters, with O'Neill right behind him.
SAMUELS: General Hammond, Colonel Jack O'Neill.
O'NEILL:(as Samuels closes the door) Retired.
HAMMOND: I can see that. Me, I'm on my last tour; time to start getting my thoughts together. Maybe write a book. You ever think about writing a book about your exploits in the line of duty?
O'NEILL: Thought about it. But then I'd have to shoot anyone who actually read it. (Neither Hammond nor Samuels respond.) That's a joke, sir. Most of my work for the past ten years has been classified.
HAMMOND: Yes, of course.
Yuki: I like him, very concealing.
Kel: facepalm
O'NEILL: Major Samuels mentioned something about the Stargate?
HAMMOND: Down to business. I can do that. (He gets up.) This way. (He leads O'Neill and Samuels out.)
Cut to the infirmary, as Dr. Warner pulls a white sheet back to reveal the body of one of the dead Serpent Guards. Samuels, Hammond and O'Neill are gathered around the cot that the body is strapped on to.
HAMMOND: Anyone you know, Colonel?
WARNER: They're not human.
O'NEILL: Ya think?
WARNER: Best we can tell, these slits are actually a pouch similar to that found in a marsupial.
Daine: What's a marsupial?
Stina: facepalm
SAMUELS: Like a kangaroo.
Daine: Oh.
Note: I'm really sorry, but I realized that since these episodes have like 45 minutes of transcript to add commentary to, it'll take a little time. I'm breaking them up into chapters.