Title: Luthor Is Destiny
Author: Terri
Disclaimer: Smallville and anything Smallville related does not belong to me.
Rating: T
Summary: Lex is tired of fighting.
Spoilers: Major spoilers for Lexmas
Author's Note: First off, I haven't seen this particular episode yet – although I am anxiously awaiting it. Therefore anything in here that is slightly off-kilter from the show is for that reason. I saw a screen capture from the episode, thought all my dreams of LL had come and then sought out the actual transcript and this just stemmed from there. Thanks to everyone who reads, reviews are completely welcome (actually encouraged).
Lana's last breath isn't real: he knows this. Her eyes closing for the last time – her love for him – it is all a near-death induced dream, his dead mother's guidance is proof of that. It doesn't matter though, he still loves her, he has always loved her and the piercing through his heart is real. Lex feels crippled, completely uselessly: broken.
This life is his fantasy, has been for a long time. Even in the darkest of his hours, when the Luthor gene is almost impossible to resist, he's been able to escape here. The part of him that is his mother created this dream, a life he knows he can never truly have. Lex decides that he carries more masochistic tendencies than is healthy. A normal person would never create a world so beautiful and make it attainable. Because reality is never as good as fantasy. Her death is proof of that.
Now, this is nothing but a nightmare, an inescapable dream complete with demons to haunt him. His mother tells him that this life is better – he decides that she died crazy. There is nothing here but pain and sadness. It reminds him of a line from a Tennyson poem: 'tis better to have loved and lost/Than never to have loved at all.' An incredulous laugh bubbles passed his lips; Tennyson must never have loved and lost, for only someone who had lived a life of emptiness (loneliness) would wax lyrical like that. The pain he feels now – at the possible death of Lana – is more than he can bear. For a second he questions how he can continue on without her.
He doesn't belong here. This life, so full of love and happiness, is not meant for him, despite what his mother says. Lex can feel Lionel even now, squirming inside his head, itching to manipulate him in some way. The part of him that makes him who he is (good or evil) is shrouded in Lionel Luthor. The words of his dearly beloved but dead mom are not going to change that. He wonders if she knows what he will do when – if – he wakes up. It's nice to think that she believes he will choose this life for himself; severe all ties with his father and have a family.
She has to know though, doesn't she, that the appearance of a choice is nothing more than a mere illusion, cruelly placed before him. The outcome of all of this – since the day in the stables when he first met Lana – has been decided already. Being a Luthor, being Lionel's son, is his destiny, a path written for him the day that he was born and cemented by the death of his mother. There is no fighting his future, he has tried and lost. Inevitability is waiting for him.
Every part of him is tired. All his strength is gone and he wishes, hopes to God, that he can stop fighting. Lex just wants to stop – everything. Between Lionel and business, Clark and Lana, as well as a million other things, Lex no longer has the desire to protest. Hostile takeovers are too exhausting. Resisting his father is futile. Waiting for Clark to finally tell him the truth is completely insane, it is the only naïve part of him. He sags down onto the hospital bed – Lana's body still there – and prays for it all to simply end.
When his eyes open again he is back in reality, Lionel hovering over him, reminding him of what has to be done, of what is to come. He doesn't want this. He wants Lana. He always has. She is untouchable to him. He could lose himself in her, forever. For a brief glimmer of a second the ability to chose the other life appears to be real, tangible. Lionel touches his arm and the blackness surrounds him.
He cannot fight this, not anymore. Lex must simply accept the hand that fate has dealt him, although he never did believe in a predestined life. Lionel is looking at him still, something akin to concern in his eyes, Lex knows better. He slides his lids close, not wanting to meet his father's gaze, he indulges in 'what could have been' for a second longer and then he falls into what he always strove to avoid being: a Luthor.
When he opens his eyes again he sees the world in a different way. He is cold inside, empty, and everything screams opportunity. He will be senator. A vision swims before his eyes, it is himself in a white suit in a field of death and blood, the heavens open and he his tainted.