One Mixed Up Mary-Sue
"Legolas... Legolas?" Emily called out. The dummy had all but forgotten about her, hanging on for dear life, as he stood contemplating whose features their future children would inherit. Emily's hands were starting to sting and her shoulders were getting sore.
"Why ever are you still in that hole?" He peered down at her. Emily was ready to rip his head off for being such a condescending ass, but he truly seemed bewildered. He did a very good concentrating-hurts-my-head look.
"I'm still here because you haven't helped me the eff out yet!" Emily shouted. She made a mental note to start doing pull-ups so that the next time she was stuck in a hole with a ditzy, cosplaying, cult member she could save herself. Would he even be strong enough to putt her up? He wasn't exactly beefy. But then again, neither was the one who had hauled her out of her apartment.
"You are a proud she-elf, you have the strength within yourself," Legolas said. "You must look deep into your soul to find-"
"I swear to god, if you don't help me this second, I will fuck you up!" Emily shouted
He silently leaned over the hole and reached down towards her. Terrified that she was placing her life in his trust, but short on options, Emily grabbed his outstretched arm. He pulled her up with what seemed like little enough effort.
"I love you," he whispered, pushing her mussed up hair away from her face.
"Fuck you," Emily replied, pushing him away. "You're really messed up, you know that?"
"I understand, dark times have fallen upon Middle-earth. One day we will be able to express our feelings for each other."
"Is it five o'clock yet?"
"I do not understand."
"I want a drink. And then I want to clock you in the head with the empty bottle."
"Oh."
"Emily!"
With a groan, Emily turned to find that Kool Aid was charging towards her with a horse in tow. He seemed rather upset. Maybe she could tell him about how she was almost left for dead in that hole and get this creeper in some trouble. Kool Aid was weird, but he did seem to want her alive. She didn't recognize the guy beside him, but he looked angry as could be. He had his hands full with a large bag, and Emily noticed that he was avoiding her gaze.
"Guess who almost let me fall to my death?" Emily asked.
"It is not important," Kool Aid dismissed with a wave of his hand. "There are more pressing matters here. Frank has mysteriously fallen ill, and Arwen has just applied a spray tan. You must fetch the ringbearer."
"Are- are you serious?" Emily asked.
"Oh yes, spray tans can be finicky. She should avoid strenuous activity. Any chaffing or sweating will cause it to run."
"I- I just- not that- I- ugh, never mind." Emily gave a resigned sigh. "So you're going to send me off, on this horse, all alone?"
"Oh don't worry! Asfaloth knows the way!"
"Excellent choice, my Lord!" Legolas chimed in. "Emily is so wonderful, I am sure she can complete this task for you. And perhaps when she returns she will be not injured gravely, but just hurt badly enough that I will need to bandage her wounds by flickering candlelight..."
"First off, ew. Second, I don't know how to ride a horse."
"Your elf instincts will kick in," Kool Aid said, again with that dismissive air. "The horse will be kind to you."
Emily contemplated arguing. But then again, she was being given a big chance to escape here. All she had to do was take off with a few days worth of food and water and ride until she found some sort of civilization. She'd be home free. Maybe the police would be able to track where she'd come from. Should she leave a trail of some sort?
"Fine," she said eventually. "I'll go."
"Good. Jsoh here has some equipment for you." Kool Aid gestured to the silent figure beside him.
"Do you mean Josh?" Emily asked.
"No I mean-"
"Elrohir. My name is Elrohir. You should know. You chose it." He roughly pushed the load he was carrying into her arms. "You have a bag of food, weapons and blanket. Do not kill yourself. You are not my sister."
"Here, here," Legolas sprung into action, taking the gear from Emily.
Emily stared at Jsoh- Elrohir- whatever- for a moment, wondering if he had been kidnapped, too. She contemplated asking him if he wanted to escape with her. Was he upset that she was being given the chance to escape and he wasn't?
"I need to talk to you," Emily said, dumping the remaining items that she was holding into Legolas' arms. She motioned for him to follow her a few steps away from the others.
"Did they kidnap you, too?" Emily asked. "I'm going-" She paused. What if this was a trick? What if they were just testing her to see if she'd admit to trying to escape. Her best bet was to just get out of here quickly and quietly. "I'm sorry, never mind, I- I don't trust you. Hate to be a bitch about it."
"That makes two of us."
"Fine," Emily said. She didn't really like this guy, but at least he didn't seem like he was being fake with her. Maybe when the cops came back and raided this place they'd be able to save him.
She turned her attention to the horse, which Legolas was packing all of the junk she'd just been given onto. Time to get the heck out of here!
This chapter turned out pretty short! I cut out quite a bit of dialogue that didn't really serve any purpose. I think the little bit that I left in and re-worked works better anyways. If you enjoyed reading, have a suggestion or question, or just want to say hey: let me know!