One Mixed Up Mary-Sue

Chapter 13

-

Emily yawned, sitting up in bed. That was weird- the sun hadn't come up yet and as far as she could tell, nothing had woken her up. She shrugged it off and walked over to the vanity table. Grabbing a hairbrush, she braced herself for the knots and tangles that were sure to come. Surprisingly, none came. But what she saw was even more of a surprise.

"Voice… what happened?' She asked weakly. Her hair had grown well past her waist, and had become a platinum blonde shade, and it had all happened overnight. Emily couldn't say anything, she could only stare at it in horror.

You're a real Mary-Sue now, Emily!

'What the hell?'

Emily, didn't we already have the language conversation?

"Well," Emily said, a grin on her face. "I don't think it's fair that I'm the only one who gets a makeover..."

-

"Is he asleep?" Emily asked quietly. She peered into the dark room, trying to see. About a half an hour ago she'd rounded up what friends she had around here. It seemed they were all more than keen to do something less-than-nice to the annoying Mirkwood prince.

"Yes, he is," Elrohir answered. "Here. You take this; it smells horrible."

"Thanks," she said, grinning and stirring the contents of the bowl. "You know, I've wanted to do this for so long."

"Do not wake him," Erestor warned.

"If you do, we're running and leaving you to deal with him." Lindir said.

"It's nice to know I have such kind and supportive friends." She turned and walked, as quietly as she could, into the room. She smiled and looked down at the bowl of bleach in her hands. Elladan and Elrohir had managed to get some from Elrond earlier tonight. Apparently he had an abundance of it.

Grinning, Emily generously applied the bleach to our favourite stalker elf's eyebrows. It was actually quite surprising that he didn't wake up, but Emily just figured that it was because of her newfound Mary-Sue-ness. She backed out of the room, still grinning.

Glorfindel shook his head in disbelief. "And here we were all waiting to see what would happen when he woke up."

"Are you serious? That's horrible; you should all have more faith." She stirred the bleach again, her gaze falling on Erestor. "Hey, you know your roots are growing in, right?"

"There is no way that I would let you touch me. With or without that...concoction in your hands."

"It's just bleach, what can it do?" She asked innocently.

"It can do plenty."

"Whatever," she waved it off. "Any of you have a knife?"

Her question was answered by silence.

"Fine, I'm going to the kitchen, then." She turned and left.

"Should we go to make sure she does not kill herself?" Elladan asked quietly. "She has already proven how incompetent she is with anything sharp or dangerous."

"I have to agree. I am afraid that she will somehow manage to impale herself." Erestor added.

"Right then, to the kitchen." Elrohir said.

-

They walked in to find Emily sitting on the floor. She was hacking away at her hair with a knife, cursing every so often.

"Emily… you are bleeding." Erestor sat down beside her and took the knife from her hands. "Do you have any idea how angry Elrond will be if we let you kill yourself."

"Oh, I know. But it's only a flesh wound. It's not really very deep. Besides, the face cut didn't work out very well, maybe this one will infect."

"Emily! You do not want to get an infection." Elladan said. "Are you mad?"

He's right… you want to be happy and healthy for the quest.

'Oh, you're back…'

Emily, I was never gone.

'Damn it.'

Taking the knife back from Erestor, Emily continued on her hair. Most of the pieces she had cut fell an inch or two below her chin.

"Emily," Erestor said. "Just put down the knife…"

"Oh shut up," she said, rolling her eyes. "I'm not like a psycho killer or something."

"Emily, your hair looks horrible." Lindir said.

"Really?"

"Yes," Glorfindel answered.

"Great, mission accomplished, then." She grabbed the last of her hair and chopped it off. "There, now I look worse than ever."

"I agree wholeheartedly." Erestor said.

"Gee, thanks." She opened a cupboard. "I know I saw food colouring here before. Now, where is it?" Eventually she found the box, and shut the cupboard.

"I vote… green. Isn't it 'in' this season?" She said, squeezing the bottle of green onto her hair. She held her head over a bucket. "Well, how does it look?" she asked once she'd finished. Food colouring dripped out of her hair and onto the dress she was wearing, but she didn't care. It's not like it was hers or anything.

"Honestly?" Elrohir asked, raising an eyebrow. "Terrible. You look like someone became ill on your head."

"Awesome," Emily said, standing. She kicked the bucket into the corner of the room and put the knife with some other dirty dishes. "That's what I was going for. And hey, maybe I'll have a scar on my hand, too- hey, cookies!" She picked up the bag and pulled out a chocolate chip cookie with her clean hand.

"She's bleeding, and the only things she can think about are cookies." Erestor said disbelievingly.

"It's not deep or anything," she said after swallowing her cookie. "You know, being a Mary-Sue is cool. I can eat whatever the hell I want and still look mildly anorexic. I can be completely lazy and do nothing- life is good." She handed the bag to Erestor before leaving the room.

"See you guys later, I have to go make sure that Legolas' face didn't get burnt off by the bleach."

-

Emily blinked as the world started to fall out of focus. She was dead tired, and being able to fall asleep with her eyes open wasn't really helping the matter. But at least she had done something productive (in her mind.) Legolas now looked like a natural blonde. She sighed and left her room. Susan had, once more, found a ridiculously fancy dress for her to wear. Now, she didn't have anything against dresses, she just didn't wear them often because she didn't often have to do anything that required dressing up. But these dresses were just ridiculous. Every inch was covered with bows, lace or both.

"Emily… Emily are you listening to me?" Legolas asked. He'd been talking about his feelings and other crap for the past little while. It went without saying that Emily wasn't listening.

"What? No, Legolas, I am not listening to you."

"But… why not?" Emily watched in horror as his eyes filled with tears. He pouted, threatening to cry. His expression quickly turned to one of utmost seriousness.

"Emily, what happened to your hand? It's cut! You could get hurt, let me bandage it." He grabbed her hand and started poking at it.

"Let go," she snapped, pulling her hand away from him. "I'll be fine."

"No, Emily, you must let me help. If you were to get seriously hurt because of this I would never forgive myself."

"You thick, hard headed, idiot. I barely cut myself. Look, it's not even deep, see?" And it was true; the knife had just gotten the side of her finger very shallowly.

"Emily…" he trailed off, a concerned expression on his face. "You did this to yourself?"

Hah! Now he thinks you're a sad, depressed, angsty sue!

'You're still here?'

Of course!

"Emily, look at me! Please, do not do things like this to yourself."

"Geez, it's not like I slit my wrists or anything."

"Do not even speak of such things!"

"Yeah… I'm leaving now…" she said.

"I will accompany you; the council thingy starts soon."

"Council thingy; what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You know; the council."

"Yes, I know what the council is. But 'council thingy'?"

"It matters not; let us now leave."

"Uh… okay…" Emily, still in shock to the sudden radical change in grammatical structure, followed Legolas to 'the council thingy'. Apparently they were late, as everyone was already seated, talking quietly amongst themselves. Elrond looked up as they arrived, looking none to pleased. Emily guessed it was because she'd lobbed off all of her shiny new hair, but it was only a guess. Oh, and the fact that it looked like puke would help, too.

"Good morning, everyone," she chimed as if nothing was wrong or out of place. The Mary-Sue voice could sound disgustingly sweet and lovable when it wanted to. She smiled and looked around, but Legolas promptly dragged her to sit down beside him.

"Come and sit down, Lady Emily." He said.

"Right, sitting," she said, trying not to make it visible how painful it was to sit next to him.

"Now that everyone is here, we shall begin." Elrond declared. "Frodo… Frodo, are you listening to me?"

Of course he wasn't. At the moment he and Boromir were engaged in quite the shouting match. It was really rather pathetic, as they called each other names that a ten-year-old would find juvenile. 'Poo-head' was a lovely example.

Eventually someone alerted Frodo to the fact that his attention was wanted. The hobbit looked around innocently before Elrond asked him about the ring. He gladly brought it to the centre of the circle, smiling broadly and skipping-- just like a ten-year-old.

"That's the ring," Elrond stated bluntly.

"It's evil," Gandalf added his two cents.

Those two comments were followed by a long moment of silence. Emily found herself, once more, falling asleep. But Legolas nudged her out of her semi-conscious state before she actually missed anything.

"I volunteer Emily!" Frodo said enthusiastically.

"I second that!" Aragorn said.

"No, I second it. You can third it." Legolas argued.

"I'm seconding it, freak!"

"Nuh-uh!"

Emily groaned in annoyance as the two started, yet another, yelling match. Then it hit her, she didn't even know what they were arguing over.

"What are you two seconding, now?" she asked.

"You don't know?" Aragorn asked, shocked. "Everyone thinks you should be the one to take the Ring to Mordor."

"Excuse me? There's no way I'm going. I volunteer Frodo." Hopefully he'd agree, and the canon would be that less mingled.

"That's good," said a dwarf with a 'Hello my name is… Random Bit Character' name tag. "An elf! Ha-ha!"

And thus was started a rather loud argument (yes, another). Of course, it will not all be written down as some comments (especially those made by a rather out-of-character man of Gondor) are much too rude to be written down- just hearing them would make a small child's ears bleed. Despite the yelling, shouting and occasional yelp of pain, the argument ended rather abruptly when Frodo stood.

"I will take it. But, only if Emily comes, too." Frodo declared. Emily debated if she could mortally wound herself if she 'accidentally' fell out of her chair and 'accidentally' hit her head on the ground.

"Well, I'm coming, then." Aragorn said.

"Hey! I'm not leaving you alone with Emily!" Legolas said. After a moment, and with the much unwanted help of Aragorn, they had managed to get Emily to go and stand with them, behind Frodo. Gimli came, mumbling something that Emily couldn't even hear. Then Boromir came.

"She should not be coming," he said.

"You know what? I agree- totally. Who's with me? Please… join the 'send Emily home' fund! Aw… come on, peop-" she was cut off when Merry and Pippin jumped at her, laughing madly.

"Yeah, you leave tomorrow." Elrond said. "The rest of you… go home or something."