BLEED FOR ME

Author: Zefiros83
Disclaimer: Characters from BtVS belong to Joss Whedon. Or to Mutant Enemy. Or to whoever it is that owns them. g I'm just borrowing them for fun.
Distribution: Want, Take, Have. That simple.
Rating: R for some good amount of reason. And well, adult themes.
Summary: B/A. This story takes place in the middle of S3, beginning right after everyone's found out Angel's back from Hell. Buffy's saddened that her friends and family aren't supportive of her relationship with Angel. She's beginning to think they will never understand - when the latest nasty in town gives her a welcome distraction. Plz R&R.

CHAPTER 2. INSOMNIA

I turn you out of doors
tenant desire

you pay no rent
I turn you out of doors
all my best rooms are yours
the brain and heart

depart
I turn you out of doors

switch off the lights
throw water on the fire
I turn you out of doors

stubborn desire

- Alain Chartier -

First thing Buffy did on every monday morning was report to Giles - and today was no exception. As she pushed open the library doors, she immediatly saw her Watcher stepping out of his office with a white mug in his hand. "Oh, hello Buffy. How was uh, patrol?" Giles greeted her as he sipped his tea.

"It was good." Buffy blurted out in a rush.

"Really? You mean nothing happened, or--"

"Actually, I came by these five vamps stuck way back in the dark ages. I staked four of them but the leader got away. I think he dropped this." Buffy reached in her pocket and pulled out the golden earring she'd found on saturday night's patrol.

Giles raised it against the light and studied it up close. "It's an earring? And the vampire was wearing it? Are you quite sure?"

"Uh-huh. Anything you can tell me about it?"

"Well it's old. These runes look familiar.. It's probably the mark of a vampire order of some kind. I'll need to research it some more. Anything else you can tell me about them?"

"Nope. All I got was that they were running some kind of an errand for this chick Savina. Whatever she wants, it's in Sunnydale and it can't be good. We've probably not heard the last of her."

"I agree. It's very likely that this 'Savina', who or whatever she is, has more than just five vampires at her disposal. I shall have to contact the Council on this, find out what they know about her. Meanwhile, I suggest you patrol as normal.. and keep an eye out for this order." Giles advised. "We'll reconvene here.. let's say on thursday before school? I'm sure I'll have more to tell you then."

"Can do." Buffy smiled at him, and turned towards the door. Her first class of the morning was about to start and she didn't want to be late for it.. again. She was just about to leave, when suddenly Giles called out after her, a look of worry on his usually stoic face.

"Buffy? Did something else happen on patrol? You seem.. out of sorts." He asked.

Buffy shrugged nonchalantly. "Nothing. Just your garden variety vampires, looking for trouble. Guess it just bugs me the one got away."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you'll get a second chance at slaying him." Giles reassured her.

"Yeah, I'm sure I will. Thanks Giles." Buffy smiled at him weakly, and made her way out of the library and into the corrridor outside. She hated lying to Giles and keeping things from him - but he would only blame her if he knew, and demand her to be more responsible. And right now, Buffy was hearing a-plenty of those accusations in her head. She didn't want her Watcher to join in for the chorus of her inner 'I'm a horrible slayer and also a bad person' song. She knew if it hadn't been for some gargantuan stroke of luck, Angelus would be roaming the streets of Sunnydale, free to do what ever horrible things he wanted. And this time, it would have been nobody's fault but her own. And maybe, a little Angel's too. I mean, it was hardly her fault he was so damned irresistible.

But as things were, nothing had happened. So as far as her friends and Watcher were concerned, it had never happened. Nobody needed to know.

The only thing was, she knew all too well that it had happened, and no amount of self-reprimand could make her regret it. She'd finally had that perfect night with the man she loved, but now.. circumstances made the whole thing seem dirty somehow. She wanted to bask in her happiness and remember every touch and word exchanged but instead, thinking about it only made her feel sad and ashamed. Not least because she knew it could never happen again. Testing the curse was definately not something she took lightly, nor did Angel. But everytime she saw him.. it was all she could think about. Was his soul permanent or not? Their one secret night consumed her thoughts and haunted her through every activity. Even her dreams were filled with him - there was simply no-where to run and no-one to talk to. Other than Angel of course, but being as he was the root of the problem, she had begun avoiding even him, her last confidant.

As she walked through the crowds of students around her, Buffy felt utterly and completely alone.

Buffy stirred in her bed in the middle of the night. She was in dire need of comforting and her mother was out of town, preparing for the opening night of her gallery's new exhibition. Figures. Images of the nightmare that had woken Buffy kept replaying in her mind's eye, over and over, like a nagging reminder of something that was important, but irretrievably lost to her.

In her dream, she'd been in a wintry forest, trodging through a landscape of snow and ice and spruces tall as mountains. There had been a pack of hungry wolves on her tail, always just a step behind. She'd seen glimpses of them, black flickering shadows between the tree-trunks or a pair of glowing eyes. The imprints left by her bare feet as she stumbled her way forward, had faded away into the jet-black night that surrounded her. She'd heard howling from somewhere behind her, branches and twigs breaking as her pursuers closed in on her. Just when she'd expected the nearest wolf to sink it's teeth into her calf, it had suddenly begun to run alongside her, like she was a member of the pack instead of it's prey. She'd felt the wolf's coarse, grey fur as the animal had brushed past her, galloping in stride with her. And then the snow had turned into a pool of burning gasoline, scorching her feet as she had sunk deeper and deeper.. All the way through the floor of the world.

The dream had left a freeze in her veins, and Buffy pulled her thick, down duvet up to her shoulders to drive away the bitter cold from within. Suddenly, she sensed a presence in the room.

"Hey." Angel's voice came quietly from the direction of the window. He was sitting on her window-sill, leaning into the frame uncomfortably whilst keeping his feet inside her room. He looked haunted and mournful, in spite of the little half-smile that played on his lips.

"Could you close the window, I'm kinda cold." Buffy said, turning her back on him once more.

"..Sure." Angel stepped fully inside Buffy's room, and carefully set down the open window. "I heard you were supposed to patrol tonight, I waited for you." He spoke, no accusation or demand in his voice. Just plain concearn. And it troubled Buffy more than she liked. Disappointment she could fight. She could get angry and give him the old 'I'm 17 and the Slayer - you try it out' speach. But it wouldn't work with Angel. She couldn't drive him away.

Hadn't he told her that once, in very different dream. Not even if you kill me.

"I was tired." Buffy finally answered Angel's unspoken question, her voice muffled by the fluffy pillow she crushed in her arms.

"It was pretty quiet anyway. Dusted a few vamps on the way over, though."

"Good. That's good." Buffy replied, in a detached voice. Her gaze was locked to the alarm clock on her nightstand. The red numbers on it's display flickered in the dark, shifting towards the inevetable sunrise only a few hours away.

"It's pretty late.. Or, more like early. How did you know I'd be awake?" She asked.

"I didn't. I just.. Sometimes, I like checking up on you after a night of wandering around town. I sleep better, knowing you're safe."

Buffy had expected as much. With or without a soul, he could never quite shake the habit.

"So you come here to watch me sleep? Boy, someone needs cable-tv bad." She joked dully.

"You're real. Right there, to touch. And that makes you infinately more interesting."

"Oh."

"Buffy.. What's going on? You don't show up for patrol, and whenever we meet, you seem.. distant. If this about something I did or--"

Buffy heaved a sigh. "It's not you, Angel."

"Then what?"

"I don't know. Mid-Slayer-life crisis. Or something."

Angel walked over to her and seated himself beside her on the bed. As his eyes locked to Buffy's, she could feel the walls around her begin to crumble. My kind, sweet, gentle Angel. The one who always sought to help, to listen, to forgive. The one she trusted completely with her emotions, the one she could always turn to, no matter what. He'd always had that uncanny ability to see past the Buffy she showed to the world and right into the heart of who she really was. If only he could turn that high powered perception at himself, and see himself for all that he really was - which was so much more than the unforgivable monster he believed himself to be.

It was cruelly ironic, that in spite of all the compassion and understanding Angel doled out to other people, he could never feel it for himself.

"I'm so afraid." Buffy finally cracked, her eyes watering.

"Of what?" Angel asked gently, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb.

"Of losing you again. Sometimes I feel like you're the only friend that I have, anymore. Mom just refuses to accept that the Slaying won't end until the day I die, if even then, and.. My life used to be about sunshine, you know. What happened to that? It seems with every passing day I have less sunlight to share with Will and Xander, and more darkness but no-one to talk to about it. I mean, sure there's Giles, but.. He's my Watcher. How could I tell him, that sometimes when I fight the latest nasty in an endless line of them, I think hey, maybe it wouldn't entirely suck to just give up the fight and run. I used to have you for that, for carrying the weight of my woes. Or should I say punch? And now I can feel this gap opening between us. Ever since you came back from Hell, we've been trying our damnest not to poke the taboo. Well you know, maybe it's about time we did."

Angel swallowed hard and cast his eyes to the ground. "You wanna talk about Hell?" He asked.

"Not just that. I want.. I want things to go back to the way they were."

"If there was a way, whatever the cost, to take back everything I did as Angelus, I would pay the price. But I can't. You think it doesn't kill me every day, to know how much I hurt you? What I put you through, and Giles and--"

"I know." Buffy interrupted with a wistful smile. "I just wish we could be Buffy and Angel again. Slayer and her Champion. I miss those days. Whatever would threaten us, I knew we'd survive, because we had each other."

"I miss that too."

"I miss being able to talk to Willow about you. Now, whenever I mention you, there's pain in her eyes and I hate it that I'm the one causing it."

"Don't you mean me." Angel corrected miserably.

"No honey, it's not about you, well not really. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately which is, I know, so not like me, but.. I think the real reason is.. All these big changes have happened in me, and they haven't noticed them because we've been too busy averting the apocalypse. And I guess now that it's quiet for a change, they've begun to notice and.. don't like what they see. I'm not.. this innocent schoolgirl anymore. I'm the Slayer. And that means a big part of my life revolves around death."

"As if I've in no way contributed to the amount of death in your life."

"Angel, let me finish. Being the Slayer is about killing. Plain and simple. I may do it for the forces of good, but still at it's basic core, it's the same thing as oh say you vamps do. Even before you joined the picture, I was infecting my nearest and dearest with pain. I mean, how many times have my friends and family been in jeopardy simply because they know me? I'll always have enemies, and the people I love will always be in the line of fire. Regardless of who I choose to date." Buffy said pointedly. "But anyway, what I meant to say was, the guilt tripping and the darkness, that I understand. But the problem is, Giles, Xander, even Will.. They can't. They don't know where I'm coming from. They don't get the rush of the kill, the thrill of the hunt. They don't understand why I'd want to spend time with someone like you. They don't get how I could love a vampire, the very thing I'm destined to slay."

"Buffy.."

"They think it's the whole opposites attract thing. When really, we are the same. Two sides of the same coin. You can relate to me in ways no-one else could. Ever."

"Don't say that! You're a thing of light, and I'm nothing like that! I've killed innocent people, who's only mistake was crossing my path. Don't even.. think you have anything in common with me."

"Angel, listen to me now. You're not accountable for what Angelus did. I've never held it against you, why should I start now? You won't be like that again."

"You can't know that." Angel said grimly, referring to the events of the other night.

But Buffy stayed firm. "Neither can you. Remember, we can't know the future. That's the deal isn't it? And I've always played by my heart. This feels right. We feel right. Our relationship might be an abomination to the club of old stuffy british guys, but what do they know? About the nitty gritty reality of my life? So as far as your past is concearned.."

"Buffy, please, just stop--"

"You need to hear this. And I need to say it. Angel.. I forgive you."

"H-How could you ever.. After what I--"

"Haven't you been listening to me at all? And secondly, it wasn't really you in reins then, was it? I know you share the memories, and his pleasure, but.. I know had you been entirely you, you could never have done what he did and enjoy it." Buffy finished her speach and grabbed Angel's hand, squeezing it gently for support.

Angel rewarded her with a lopsided grin, his dark eyes lifting up from the floor to meet hers, if only for a moment. "I don't know what to say to that." He sighed, his head bowed down in silent reverie. "Thanks."

"Being a vampire doesn't stop you from being a good person. And being a Slayer doesn't mean I have to stop being one, either. You've made me realize that, you know." Buffy smiled at him, tousling his dark spiky hair. "Sometimes though.. I feel like I'm losing more and more of the life I once had. And that kinda frightens me. I guess that's why I used to be so bent up on getting a normal life."

"You should have it. You deserve it."

"Yeah but.. It's just not a possibility for me anymore. I can go for something resembling the norm, but the white picket fence dream? Never gonna happen. I'll be too busy preparing for the next exciting catastrophe to raise kids or have a career. And really, what's the Slayer life-expectancy these days? A couple of years?" Buffy shook her head dejectedly. "Being the Slayer isn't about having a life. It's just about.. surviving."

"But.. Maybe it could be different for you."

"Yeah, that's what I keep telling myself. But let's face it.. I'm a freak."

"You're not to me."

Buffy smiled in response, the first genuinely happy smile she'd had all day. "Sometimes it's hard.." She then continued, "To see people around me getting the things I want too, but know I can never have. But you know, there are times being the Slayer isn't that bad. I like it that I can fight back whenever there's evil a-foot. I like it that I can, on occasion, actually help someone. And I can open my own jars and move furniture around without having to enlist manly back-up. Always a plus there."

"I guess it would be difficult for you to be like everyone else.. To not be able to avert the next crisis that threatens humanity."

"Yeah. My powers are a part of who I am, who I've become. And I've kinda come to terms with that."

"It's just too bad your life's also about having your boyfriend turn evil whenever you uh, are intimate with him."

"Yeah, too bad. But that's how my life works. And most of the time, I'm pretty content."

"Most of the time?" Angel glanced at her questioningly.

"Yeah, like right now." Buffy flashed him another stunning smile. "Talking to you, just the two of us. It's nice."

"But.. Wouldn't it be nicer if you had someone.. actually human for company? Someone who could take you out into the sunlight? Make love to you?"

"Yeah, 'cos any John Doe just so understands me better than you do." Buffy rolled her eyes. "And you know, I could ask you the same thing. Wouldn't you be happier with Vampira in your lair?"

Angel blinked. "Vampira..?"

"Yeah, femme fatale with fangs?"

"Buffy.. Other vampires.. They're well, evil. And I have a soul. That's sort of a turn-off for them."

"You, a turn-off. Now where's the mistake in that equasion? 'Cos I just know that can't be right."

"Besides.. Even if there was another ensouled vampire.. There wouldn't be a connection, not a real one like ours. It's easy for me to be around you. Easy and.. horribly difficult." Angel confessed, falling into a thoughtful silence.

"Yeah, I know how you feel. So I guess we're just stuck with each other." Buffy grinned mischievously, letting Angel know just how little she minded being 'stuck' with him.

Angel grinned back at her just as playfully. "Hopelessly doomed." He said, right before Buffy leant in to kiss his smiling lips.

Her head laying on Angel's bare chest, Buffy thought about how she'd never felt happier or more grateful than she did right now. Her only concearn was whether or not she'd managed to sun-proof her room well enough for the day, but Angel didn't seem to be complaining. In fact, neither one of them had said a word since they'd collapsed on Buffy's bed after their most recent love-making session. The silence between them was comfortable and assuring, but in Buffy's opinion, it had continued long enough. She craned her neck and glanced up at her cradle-robbing-creature-of-the-night boyfriend, and felt like giggling the moment she saw his face. They were in bed together, very much naked, and what was he doing? Brooding. Of course.

"So, are we happy? All sated?" She asked him.

"..Yeah." Angel's lips drew into a broad smile that revealed a row of perfect white teeth. His mahogany brown eyes glowed with nothing but contentedness as he looked into her green-brownish ones.

"OK, what's going on?" Buffy sat up, wrapping the duvet around her body to cover up her nudity. "We sleep together, you get a happy and don't lose your soul. I feel happy and loved and normal. Dontcha just hate how this spells out nasty demon activity?"

Angel cast her one of his little half-smiles. "Too good to be true, I know."

"So, where do you think we should post our 'Thank You For The Music'-card?"

"I have no idea. But a card should definately be sent. And maybe a fruitbasket. With a bottle of Chianti."

"Wow. You really are a changed man."

"You mean because of the fruitbasket? I thought it'd be a nice touch."

"Yeah. Someone should definately be thanked for this. Kissed, even."

Angel raised an eyebrow and gave her a pointed look. "Even if it's a big green scaly demon with horns and a-plenty of bodily hair?"

"OK, I'm thinking plan A with the card would be better after all." She backpedaled.

"Thought so."

Buffy eased back down into the crook of Angel's arm, pressing her head back into it's resting place on his chest. She'd forgotten how much better a good snuggle could make her feel. It didn't matter that he had no heartbeat or that his skin was somewhat cooler than hers to the touch - what he could offer her more than made up for those petty, menial things he lacked. "I'm so happy you know.." She yawned sleepily. "This is all I've ever wanted - seriously. To wake up in your arms.. Pleasantly numb."

Angel wound his arm over her stomach and kissed the crown of her head.

"You know.. the last time, when I lost my soul.. It wasn't when I uh, climaxed. It was afterwards. I think the moment came, when I watched you sleeping, in my arms. And you stirred a little in your sleep and smiled.. And I knew. That in spite all logic and reason, despite my being the monster that I am.. You loved me. And.. I felt this incredible rush of pride and privelige, to love this magnificent woman who slept so peacefully, trustingly, in the arms of a demon. That was about the last memory... I have.. before... Before I lost my soul."

Buffy glanced up at Angel, deeply moved by his account of that fateful nights events. And looking into his eyes, he seemed just as swept away by his emotions as she was. "You never told me that." Buffy stated. And how happy I am that you finally did. She had come to know Angel as someone who rarely shared his thoughts or feelings, but when he did.. the things he let slip out swept her off her feet every time, without fail. It was almost inconceivable that someone could ever think so beautifully of her.

Angel bowed his head, almost looking a little abashed. "Yeah, well when I returned I was back to the mind set that I didn't deserve you. Not anymore and that you would never sleep like that in my arms again. It was just too painful to talk about.. And I feared.. That if I told you, you'd reject me. I treasured that memory - there haven't been many times in all my long life that I've felt worthy of anything but hate and contempt.. I needed to cling onto that memory of unconditional love. It's what kept me sane in Hell. While I was there I kept remembering my father, the way he made me feel like I'd never amount to anything and be nothing but a waste of space - the way he drove me to a path of self-destruction.. I suppose that's a part of the way Hell works.. They bring up the things that hurt you most and my father.. Stacks right up there in the 'hurt me'-department.

And then I'd think of you, the way you made me feel. Like I could be whatever I wanted, redeem myself, keep you safe from harm.. Like my life was an open road full of unfulfilled potential, and hope and.. light, at the end of the tunnel.

And then I'd think of what I did to you. To the person I'd watched sleep aside me so peacefully. And I'd remember your tears and your confusion when you sent me to the portal with Acathla.. And I couldn't help but wish I could've somehow done it for you. I would've gladly gone to Hell for you, if only I'd remembered the past months, just to save you the agony of doing it for yourself. But perhaps it was good that you did.. get a chance to hurt me like I had hurt you. Get some closure. I don't blame you for anything. You were strong. You did what was necessary. And I admire you for it. I think my father would've respected you as much as he loathed me.."

"Angel.." Buffy began tearfully. "I stabbed you through with a sword."

Angel started at the sudden heart-felt sadness that had appeared on his girlfriend's face. "Buffy..?" He asked in concearn.

"I did. And I remember the sound.. that awful sound of flesh yielding to metal." She sobbed. "And the pain in your eyes. And you dare tell me, I got closure?"

"These same eyes taunted you as Angelus. These same hands held Ms. Calendar fast as I drained her of her blood. And these lips.."

"Are the ones I kissed with more passion than anyone elses before, or after. And these hands tangled in my hair and comforted me when I cried. And in your eyes.." Buffy lifted her watering eyes to Angel's, her voice quivering with tears. "I could see a man who loved me, knowing full well I could kill him just as easily as he could kill me - and who still trusted his life in my hands. Even when I couldn't trust mine in his." She whispered. "So don't talk to me about closure. Cause what we have, it's never over."