One Mixed Up Mary-Sue
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Chapter Fourteen
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Disclaimer: Okay guys, I got this one directly off the back of my spiffy Gollum bookmark! "(c) MMIII New Line Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved. "The Lord of the Rings" and the names of the characters, items, places and events therein are trademarks of The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a/ Tolkien Enterprises under license to New Line Productions, Inc." Well, there you go… if you understood all of that, good for you, because I sure as hell didn't.
Anyone interested in beta reading this, please let me know.
Anyone who hasn't seen the movie Spaceballs- go see it- now. I was trying to think of an adjective, and once came to mind, and it reminded me of that movie. I swear you will piss yourself laughing (that actually depends on your bladder control and recent fluid intake). But just watch the darn thing, or an evil, stalker Legolas will come and bother you for the rest of your life. And he will look like his father did in The Hobbit (the animated movie), so none of you fangirlish people can say 'OMG Legolas is coming to my house!' because he will look like… something bad-looking—like The Swamp Thing! If you want to be stalked by Mr. Creepy 'The Swamp Thing' Legolas, then be my guest.
You know what? Pretzels are cool.
Another important thing! Microsoft Word was being a bitch about formatting, so I apologize if I got screwed up somewhere, but I think I fixed it all.
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"Nice eyebrows," Emily commented to Legolas. He had insisted on accompanying her to dinner; though it was more of 'following her around and generally being annoying' than 'accompanying'.
"Why thank you. They just did this magically overnight."
"That's very… interesting." She had to turn away so that he wouldn't see the grin on her face.
"Emily I am so glad that you shall be coming with us."
"Well I'm not. And what the hell is up with leaving tomorrow? Maybe… I don't know… in two months would be better."
"We must leave with all haste," he said as they arrived. "We do not have the time to stay here any longer than needed."
"Whatever- this place is already screwed up enough." She sat down, noting the strange looks she was receiving.
"Emily you look very lovely today." Legolas said. "I forgot to mention it earlier today. Your hair matches your eyes. You eyes, green like-"
"Hold it right there… green? Last I checked they were purple."
They change colour, silly! When your mood changes, your eyes change colours!
'Holy crap.'
No, they don't do that colour- it's icky.
'What? I don't want crap-coloured eyes!'
Well then, that's good.
"Emily… Emily!"
"Yeah- what is it?" She asked, looking around.
"I wanted to comment on how lovely you looked tonight." Aragorn said. Emily groaned in annoyance and anger, and hit her head on the table.
"Legolas," Erestor commented offhandedly. "You look different…"
"Yes, he does, doesn't he?" agreed Glorfindel. "Definitely something new, though I can't seem to place what it is…"
"I have new eyebrows." He said, smiling like a toddler who'd just been given a large bag of candy. Emily couldn't handle it anymore; she started shaking with laughter. But since she had her head on the table and face hidden, it was (of course) mistaken for crying. Aragorn and Legolas both tried to console her, but ended up in another shouting match.
As everyone was distracted, Emily managed to grab some food and make a dash for the door. Of course, she thought she was clever, picking a time when no one was paying attention to her. She was wrong.
"Where are you going, Emily?" Stupid Elrond.
"Nowhere…" she managed to say at least semi-pleasantly. She sat back down and watched in mild amusement as Legolas got kicked.
"Maybe you should at least try and stop them…" Erestor commented.
"Nah," she said with a sweet tome to her voice. "Just look at how much fun they're having."
"I'm going to kill you, you freaking' loser!"
"I hate your guts!"
"Err… I'm afraid one of them is going to wind up dead."
"They'll be fine. They can't get hurt bad- we have to leave tomorrow."
"If I didn't know any better, thanks to your constant complaining, I'd say you were enjoying this."
"I hate you so much," she said, before standing and walking over to the fighting pair of idiots. "Break it up before I break it, assholes."
After a minute or so with no response, she grabbed Legolas by the hair and pulled him away from Aragorn.
Emily! Don't do it, you'll hurt his pretty hair.
"This is so fucking pathetic! You guys are supposed to be friends and you're fighting like a pair of idiots! And you know what? You can stop fighting, okay. I hate both of you and you both piss the hell out of me, so just give it up!" She let go of Legolas' hair and marched back to the table, took her seat and shoved a spoonful of whatever the hell they were eating into her mouth.
There was a long moment of silence as Legolas and Aragorn dusted themselves off, all the while glaring at the other. They eventually sat down, still glaring at each other.
"We need to talk." That was the first time Emily had heard Arwen speak in quite a while. She was shocked to see determination set in the elf's face, as opposed to her usual brainless grin.
"Sure," she said, standing up and following Arwen from the room. Arwen lead her to another room and shut the door, then heaved a sigh of relief. "What's up?"
"I don't know-- I was hoping you would. Something is wrong here, everyone knows it." She said, surprising Emily. She'd expected another one of the bimbo, out-of-character Arwen comments.
"Except for all the insane ones, that is." Emily added.
"Right," Arwen said, nodding. "But what is it? I'm concerned; every day this seems to get even worse."
"I know," Emily said. "But before you were- well, you know."
"Acting strangely?"
"That works. Anyways, how'd you… stop?"
"I don't know…"
"Well, if you remember, let me know. I have a voice in my head and funny eyes."
Not to mention ugly hair.
'You can shut the hell up.'
No respect.
"I will."
"Thanks, and I'm going to try and find out, too. I can't stand this."
"I noticed you've had a bit of… unwanted attention."
"I have, man, I have to leave with them tomorrow."
"Good luck," Arwen said.
"I'm going to need it. Oh, and for the record, Aragorn is pissing the hell out of me and I hate his guts."
"On one hand I'm relieved, but on the other I still pity you."
"Why thank you, I do appreciate it. But I swear I will find some way to make him normal by the time this is all over." Emily tried to smile weakly. Because of her out-of-character-ness, it had never occurred to Emily how Arwen was feeling.
Wait- Arwen is a fictional character. They were all fictional characters. There was no way that she was going to let a bunch of figments of one man's (however much he was of a literary genius) imagination get to her. But she could do her best to get things back on track here. No one wants to pick up their copy of The Lord of the Rings and read about some girl from the twenty-first century. No one wants to read about some girl falling in love and prancing along with the Fellowship, turning the story into a piece of crap fairy-tale.
You shouldn't think like that. Everyone wants to read about your adventures. Don't worry, the book won't be ruined. It's called fan fiction. It's brilliant, you can make up all the stories you want.
'I know that, my roommate used to write it like a religion.'
Yes, she was a nice girl. But she went on to better things. I heard she got a scholarship for her writing skills.
'She told me that she was dropping out.'
Oh… well, then.
"Emily, are you alright?" Arwen asked, waving a hand in front of the girl's face. Emily blinked and shook her head.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"You wouldn't answer me."
"Sorry, what was it?"
"Have you packed anything yet?"
"I don't really have much of anything worth packing." Emily said, shrugging.
"Emily," Arwen said. "You are going to need some things. Extra clothing, in case yours get wet or torn. A weapon of some sort… can you use any?"
Emily laughed, shaking her head. "There's no way. I tried… and failed horribly. Just ask your brothers, they were there when I nearly hit someone."
"Why exactly are you going, then? Not to be rude, but you don't have any special talents, no one seems to know where you're from and you can't wield any sort of weapon."
"Yeah, you've about summed it up there. I have no idea why I have to go, and if it was up to me, I'd be back at home."
"Right, but for now, you should get ready. I've heard that in another one of his not-so-bright moments, father has decided to have you leave in the morning."
"Early?"
"At dawn-- I have no clue what he was thinking." Arwen shook her head.
"I'm sorry…"
"For what?" Arwen asked.
"For everything," Emily blurted out. "I show up here and things get all weird. Maybe when I leave, they will be better, but I don't know. I just hope that you know I in no way wanted this to happen, and was happy when it was impossible. It was just some hormone-driven fantasy cooked up by young teenagers that--"
"Emily? Where are you?"
"I have to go, here comes stalker elf." Emily mumbled. "It was nice to talk to another form of intelligent life around here."
"If he asks," Arwen said. "I'll say that I haven't seen you."
"Thanks." Emily grinned and left the room. She could hear Legolas looking around in the next room over. He was making quite a bit of noise, calling her name every few seconds. She shook her head in disgust and went off to her room. By now she'd finally memorized how to get there. She pushed open the door, and had she been able to, would have raised an eyebrow in question.
"Susan… what the bloody hell are you doing?" She asked, closing the door softly. Susan had gowns and baggage strewn all around the room. There was an array of what looked like some sort of makeup all over the table.
"I'm packing for you!" She replied happily.
"You don't think this is a bit much?" Emily gestured to the seventeen (she'd counted them) suitcases that looked ready to pop open.
"Oh no, there's still more to pack." Susan replied, neatly folding up one of the elaborate dresses.
"Out," she said simply, pointing to the door.
"What?"
"You heard me. Out—now." Emily pointed to the door, and watched as Susan left. "No more of this shit," she said to herself. "I'm in a make-believe world living the dreamt-up adventures of an insane kid." She started opening and emptying all of the suitcases that Susan had packed. It was all junk: more insanely elaborate dresses, shoes with heels that caused people to trip and break their ankles, and a ludicrous amount of personal apparel items. She rolled her eyes, holding up a tube of mascara.
"What the heck here can I actually use?" She asked herself, the answer being 'nothing'. Susan had packed junk, none of which would be useful. She sat down to sort through the junk, just in case there was something of use.
Of course, there was absolutely nothing.
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Uh… oops! I wanted to post this over a week ago, but I was dead tired. In my tiredness, I finished writing and re-reading it… but kind of forgot to actually update… then I was gone for a week… whoops! I know it's a cruddy reason, but please forgive the long time it's taken!
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Review Responses
CrazyTomboy: I'm glad that that you can now listen to The Who again without being plagued by the images of evil stalker Legolas (shudders)
Ogreatrandom: Thanks very much; and I hope you continue to enjoy this story.