One Mixed Up Mary-Sue
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Chapter 16: On the Road
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Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings.
Guess what I realized? Sixteen more reviews and I reach one hundred. Yes, that is a total hint.
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Emily sighed as she trudged along. They had been walking for hours and she was feeling it. The Hobbits were running back and forth with the energy of young children. Aragorn and Legolas were (what else?) arguing. Boromir was muttering to himself and would, every so often, make an explicitly rude comment. Gandalf lead them silently. He said nothing at all, and did nothing at all except for walking. Gimli, well, he just wasn't there at the moment. Sometimes he was there, and sometimes he wasn't.
That left Emily. She was actually quite enjoying herself in having a (rather one-sided) conversation with Bill. The going was hell, and she'd never felt more relieved when Gandalf called the group to a halt.
Oh, Gimli had just appeared out of nowhere, most probably because he had a line or something of the sort coming up.
Emily sat down on the hard ground, and then fell back wards. She could have (and probably would have) fallen asleep right then and there, was it not for a certain elf that had entered her bubble.
"Go away, Legolas."
"But Emily—"
"Leave me alone or I swear to God I will sack you."
"Silly Emily, I don't work for you, you can't fire me."
"You're so stupid it's amazing."
"Why thank you."
"Here," said another voice. "Have some lunch." A plate was handed to her and she looked up to see Sam.
"Thanks," she said, gratefully taking the food.
"I cooked it… 'cause that's what I do… I cook things. I also talk to Mr. Frodo. And that's about it."
"That's… nice," Emily managed to say around a mouthful of sausage.
"Yay," Sam cheered. "She says that I'm nice!" He smiled and walked off.
Emily tried her best to tune out everything around her as she ate. The scene was pretty much a copy of the movie. Though, Boromir was ruder, the Hobbits were more energetic and Legolas was trying to get Emily to talk to him.
"Leave me alone, Legolas." Emily said, putting her hands over her ears. For a moment she was surprised, but then remembered they'd seemed to have taken on a strange shape this morning.
'Got anything to add to the topic?'
Oh yes, I'd forgotten to mention, you get elf ears, because they're so cool!
'Great…'
I know.
"Crebain from Dunland!" Legolas shouted, pointing at the approaching birds.
"Emily, hurry!" Aragorn said, taking her arm and pulling her behind a large rock. Legolas glared at Aragorn, but quickly went to hide in a bush.
Once they'd passed, Legolas stormed over to Aragorn and started yelling at him. The shouting match quickly turned into a fist fight between the two.
"And this is why I tried to say that she should not come. Did anyone even take notice of what I was saying? No one gave me a good reason for her coming, and now it's slowing us down." Boromir said.
"Boromir, why are you being so rude to Emily?" Legolas demanded.
"For once I must agree with the elf. You are being a rude, sexist, meanie!" Aragorn said.
"No," Emily said, "he's being logical. There is absolutely no reason that I should be here. And if you two don't stop fighting, I'll kill you in your sleep."
"Break it up, children," Gandalf said. "Now hurry up, we have to go over the mountain Carawaradas."
"Holy shit," Emily said under her breath. "What next…" After getting over the new name for Caradhras, Emily shut her mouth, and followed silently. She stopped walking, quite confused, as they reached the base of the mountain. That had been quite the quick two weeks… apparently no one here had the concept of time or distance down. Not that she was complaining; she didn't really want to be with them any longer than she had to.
They'd been walking for hours when the group finally came to a stop again. The sky was getting dark. Oh yes, sleeping at night was smart. Great… they were all going to die a bloody, painful death. But hey, at least the Mary-Sue never dies.
She pulled her bedroll off of the bag she'd been carrying and laid it out on the ground. Sam was cooking again, Frodo had suddenly become filled with angst, and Merry and Pippin were running around in circles playing tag. Gimli had, once more, disappeared. Gandalf was talking to himself; apparently he'd taken on the 'senile old man' act he was so often given. Boromir was making dirty jokes, and laughing at them, alone. And Aragorn and Legolas were arguing again… what else?
"She loves me!" Legolas insisted.
"No!" Aragorn protested.
"Emily," whined Legolas. "Who do you lo—ouch!" He rubbed his arm where the rock had hit him.
"Hah! She hates you, she threw a rock at—hey, that hurts!" Aragorn was jumping on one leg, the other one having been hit with a rock.
"Both of you shut up," Emily snapped. She dropped her bag onto her bedroll and walked over to Sam. "Need any help?" She asked.
"No think you, I'm almost finished," he said. A moment later, he handed her a bowl of soup.
"Thanks, Sam," she said, smiling. She walked off to eat on her own, but of course, was followed by everyone's favourite two stalkers.
"Emily," Legolas said. "I love you. Thank you for the rock; I love the rock, too."
"Well I love my rock more!" Aragorn argued. He held up a rock, which was covered in brightly coloured stickers. "I decorated it."
"That pattern is atrocious!" Legolas said, rolling his eyes. "The colours are all wrong. And you can't mix polka-dots and stripes. That rock looks so tacky."
"Why you…" Aragorn turned to face Legolas, and then punched him in the face. Once more, the two were quickly in the middle of a full-out fistfight.
"Have I mentioned how sad and pathetic this is?" Emily asked herself.
It is not sad and pathetic, it is romantic. They both love you so much that they're willing to sacrifice their friendship for you… isn't that just the sweetest thing you've ever heard?
'No… not at all.'
Well, then, what is the sweetest thing you've ever heard?
'Nice try.'
Oh, you think you're so smart, don't you?
'I know I'm smart… plus I have my own body. I can move and walk, and I don't have to resort to getting into people's heads… loser.'
I hate you.
'The feeling's mutual.'
By the time this is all over, you will be with one of them… Sue.
'Shut the fuck up, voice.'
Fine, but I'll be back.
'You do that.'
Emily snapped back into reality. Aragorn and Legolas had stopped fighting, but only because Gimli and Boromir had had to forcefully break up the fight. Now the two were just throwing insults back and forth.
"Oh yeah?" Legolas asked, giving Aragorn a withering look. "Well your mother is—"
"Shut the hell up!" Emily yelled. "I brought two knives with me; do you know what they're for?"
"Uh… you're going to give up lovely gifts?" Legolas asked.
"I'm going to fricking stab you both if you don't stop it. And remember, I'm a Mary-Sue, I can kick anyone's ass." Emily glared at them, when suddenly the sky got quite dark.
Emily!1!
Emily cringed; she could feel the many excessive punctuation marks, and the one felt like it was coming up and hitting her in the face.
Stop threatening your love interests! Go to bed—now! You annoying ingrate, what is wrong with you?
'I don't fucking want to be here, that's what's wrong.'
Shut up and go to bed.
'No, I can't sleep with these freaks around.'
Fine, then stay up all night and don't sleep. See if I care.
'Fine,' Emily finished the conversation and sat down on a large, conveniently placed rock. Grabbing her bag, she pulled it up with her; she could finally have a chance to look through its entire contents.
"Emily," Legolas said, walking over to her. "Do you wish for me to keep you company?"
"No."
"Emily, can—" Aragorn started.
"No," she said calmly. Noting a fallen tree branch on the ground, she snatched it up, and waved it at them in a threatening manner. "I'm going to be swinging this stick, and if you get in the way, that's too bad." She said, in a true rip-off-The-Simpsons manner.
In the next minute, both Aragorn and Legolas had lumps on their heads. Emily looked up at the mountains, and then remembered something. She was supposed to be a real character, than she'd act like the real character she was supposed to be.
"I'm not going any further!" She declared.
"I know that, we are all tired." Legolas replied. "That is why we are stopping for the night."
"No," Emily argued. "I mean I'm not going any further than here, ever. If any of you can figure out why, then I'll go." She smiled smugly; they'd be here for a little while.
Emily! What are you talking about? You're just being difficult!
'No, I'm not. I have a perfectly good and canonical reason to not want to go.'
Fine, just go to sleep, then!
'I think I will, actually.' She climbed down from her rock and into her bedroll. She placed the stick she'd found earlier beside her. The others were starting to do the same. The fire had been covered with dirt (surprisingly, it hadn't just been doused with water) and whoever wasn't staying up for watch was trying to get to sleep.
It had seemed like she'd only closed her eyes for a moment when she was awoken by someone… pulling her hair? Yes, someone was tugging gently at her hair. She shook her head and waved her hand out at them.
"Emily!" She heard Legolas scold her. "You're messing them up! I'm going to have to do this one again!"
"What the hell?" She demanded, turning to face him.
"I was braiding your hair for you," he stated. "It looked in need of some care. You should really deep-condition more often."
Emily watched in boredom as he started rambling off on the topic of hair care products.
"Emily," Aragorn said, walking over to her. "I stayed up late last night thinking of reasons you may not want to go." He coughed and cleared his throat. "Are you afraid of heights?"
"Nope," she replied.
"Don't like the cold?"
"Not it."
"Uh… you just don't like mountains?"
"This is going to take you guys a while, possibly forever, or until you meet someone who doesn't show up in the movies. Good luck with that."
"Breakfast time!" she heard Sam shout. "Come and get it."
"Food," she mumbled, pulling on the boots that Elrohir had given her. Or, that had been stolen from him. No, she'd traded him. Mind you, he'd gotten a pair of shoes that he would never be able to use and were therefore useless to him, but she had traded him nonetheless.
"Ouch! What the…" she pulled the knives out of her boots. Maybe they would make a nice gift. They certainly didn't make good socks. She grabbed them and marched over to Legolas and Aragorn, who were (once more) arguing.
"Emily!" They both chorused, forgetting their argument.
"I have a game for you guys, okay?" She continued without waiting for an answer, knowing they would agree to anything she said. "It's the quiet game. See, whoever stays completely quiet for the longest wins these shiny, pretty knives. Ready? Go."
"Now for lunch," she said to herself. "A nice, quiet lunch."
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Anyone who knows Emily's 'perfectly good and canonical reason' is awesome!