One Mixed Up Mary-Sue
Chapter 17: Emily Is Attacked By Falling Hobbits
No one has figured out Emily's canonical reason… but that's okay. I'm not sure if it actually comes up in The Lord of the Rings or weather I had to do some extra reading to find it out. I think that it may have been in Unfinished Tales, but I'm not positive.
Grr… sorry it took so long. My computer was, like, zapped into French mode or something. All the quotation marks popped up as and So, yeah, it should be normal now, but if you see any or , they are meant to be " and ".
Oo
Emily smiled and stretched her arms over her head. Legolas and Aragorn had actually shut up for once. It was nice, whenever they got too close, she'd hit them with the stick, which she deemed in need of a name. Mary-Sue hadn't spoken to her since the previous day, when she'd ordered her to bed.
Legolas had started signing madly. Sadly, no one here (including Emily) had any idea of sign language, so it just looked like he was having hand spasms—or a mild seizure.
"I have no idea what you're trying to say, Legolas," Emily said. "Hey! No crying either!" She yelled when he put down his hands and looked on the verge of tears.
Legolas walked over to her and sat down. He grabbed part of her hair and started braiding.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" demanded Emily. She pulled her hair from his hands. With a dumbstruck expression, he pointed to her hair and then to the braids in his. "I don't think so," she said.
He waved his hands as if to protest and pouted. Emily rolled her eyes then shook her head as if to silently say 'no'. Legolas continued pouting. That is, until Aragorn walked up to him and kicked him in the side. Legolas flipped him off, stood, and then shoved him.
And so, without even having spoken one word, the two were in yet another fight. Emily rolled her eyes and grabbed her bag; she'd forgotten to go through it the previous day.
"Okay… I have a rock. Um… well… it's a pretty rock… sort of. Hey… it's a coat-ish thing… cloak! That's it, cloak! Right… I think I'm going to die out here. Anyways, more clothes, that's always good. String, for the bow, makes sense. It would be a pretty useless piece of crap without a string."
Emily… are you ready to co-operate and just go?
'Not a chance in hell.'
Fine then—on with the plot!
As Mary-Sue's voice rang in her head, Emily was blinded for a split second by a flash of light. After blinking a few times, everything was back in clear focus. They were sitting outside Durin's Door, at the western gate of Moria. No one else seemed to have noticed what had happened.
"Damn it!" Emily yelled, and got to her feet. She noticed her bag on her back, the stick she'd found poking out. She pulled it out of her bag and gripped it tightly, wishing there was something she could give a good whack.
"Emily!" Merry and Pippin yelled, grabbing her around the waist.
"There's a scary monster!" Pippin said.
"It's big and ugly and scary!" Merry continued.
In a moment, Legolas and Aragorn ran over to her, yelling that they needed her to defeat the monster. Emily just called it a reason to use the stick. Holding it like a baseball bat, she swung at Legolas and then Aragorn.
"Ouch!" Legolas whined, rubbing his head.
"You lose!" yelled Aragorn. He pointed at Legolas and started laughing. "You so lose! I win, I win, I'm better tha—" Emily brought the stick down on his head once more.
"No, I did not lose!" Legolas protested. "I made a noise indicating that I was in pain, I did not speak."
"Yes you did!" insisted Aragorn. He rolled his sleeves up and balled his hands into fists.
"No I didn't!"
"Yes, you did!"
"Stupid bloody fucking…" Emily muttered a long string of curses to herself, tightening her grip on the stick.
"Emily…" whined Legolas, "tell him that I didn't lose!"
"He did so lose, right, Emily?"
"No way!"
"Both of you shut the hell up!" Emily yelled. "You both lose, so we'll start the game over again."
"Fine," the both said, pouting.
"I hear talking!"
"Emily…" Pippin said, poking her in the side. "The monster…"
"Damn it, why doesn't someone more competent do it?" Her question was met by silence. "Damn you all!" She yelled, stalking over to The Watcher, which looked more like a snail that was having a seizure.
"Nice job with the Snail of Doom, Mary-Sue,' she muttered to herself. After fighting for a moment with the sword at her side, she had it unsheathed and wavering in the air, pointing towards the thing. "I'm a fricking Mary-Sue and just let him the hell go because if I have to attempt to fight you I'd die a bloody, horrible and painful death."
With a screeching noise that rivalled that of a Ring Wraith's, the creature recoiled in horror. On the good hand, it dropped Frodo and he landed safely and uninjured, just shaken up. The bad news was that he landed on Emily, who now had a mouthful of dirt. That was fixed quickly, though, as both Legolas and Aragorn gave the poor hobbit a withering glare.
Once she was up, the entire Fellowship started praising her. Seriously, they'd even written a song.
"If any of you don't stop it, I swear I'll hit you in the jaw with the stick." That shut them up. Emily (after fumbling around for a few moments) had the sword back in its scabbard. She gripped her stick.
"Onward," she commanded, and surprisingly (or not really) they followed her into Moria, which seemed to have opened by process of a plot hole.
All was going fine for a few minutes, until she heard a sound. It was an evil sound, one which she'd wished to never have to hear.
"Who the hell is humming that song?" She demanded. Quickly the tune to her theme song ended and once more everyone was in silence. "This is going to be a living hell," she muttered to herself.
"Ha-ha!" Boromir shouted. "Everyone's dead! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
"Shut the hell up!" yelled Emily, hitting him with the stick. He turned to give her a withering glare. Sadly, it didn't appear as much of a glare, because of the darkness of the mines. She hit him again for good measure, though. Not hard, mind you. Anyways, he was wearing armor, and it was just a stick. No one ever died from being hit by a stick… right? Okay, maybe a few people, but they weren't fictional characters with pre-scheduled deaths. Emily looked around in confusion.
"How the hell did we get here?"
"He-he," Pippin giggled. Yes, you heard (err… read) right; he f-ing giggled, "poke!"
"Is it just me or has the whole sequence of events here been slightly condensed?" Emily asked. No one heard her, though, over the sound of a skeleton falling down a well… along with a chain and a bucket. "Well, that was sure a lovely few days, I guess I must've fallen asleep after about a minute and then just woken up now."
The four hobbits were running around in circles, yelling: "we're all going to die!" Besides that (and Emily being there), the scene looked like it had been pinched straight from the movie.
Emily fumbled around in her bag for a moment, and then pulled out a bow. Yes, it fit in the bag. That is what we call a plot hole. If it's convenient for Mary-Sue to have something, she will have it. She shook her head, remembering when she'd actually succeeded in hitting a target back in Rivendell, which was canonically far away, but quite close in this twisted Sue world.
'I will not die a bloody painful death, if I must, it will not be in a living hell like the one I'm stuck in right now…' Emily thought to herself.
That's the right idea—sort of. Except for the living hell part, that is.
'You're back…'
Yes, I am. I've decided there is still hope for you to fall in love. There are still two more movies after this one.
'Books.'
What?
'They are books, not movies.'
They are so movies!
'They were books first.'
Whatever— just kick some ocr ass!
'Kick what now?'
I mean orc. Kill the orcs.
'Yeah… because I'm a skilled and well-learnt warrior, right?'
No… but you do have special Mary-Sue powers and skills. So… have fun!
"Alright… if I die, you guys can fight over my stuff. Whoever can run back and find Bill first, gets everything." She said. Hey, if she did die, she wanted to create at least a little bit of mayhem afterwards. Legolas looked ready to protest, but he was still playing the quiet game.
The footsteps became louder as the orcs approached. Their screams and shrieks could be through the heavy door. Emily grabbed and arrow and, trying not to drop it, fit it to the bow. She pulled back on the bowstring, expecting to be met by resistance, but instead it came back quite easily.
Just another Mary-Sue perk.
'Thanks so much…'
Seriously, stop talking to me and fight.
Emily shook her head, and let an arrow fly. Strangely, it was aimed nowhere near where it should have been, but it hit its mark, the head of an orc. Actually, that wasn't all that strange, considering she was in Middle-earth with a girl named Mary-Sue in her head.
Hello! I told you, it's a Mary-Sue perk. You can do whatever you want.
'Right,' she thought, setting another arrow loose. She continued until the doors were forced open. At that point, she tossed the bow over her shoulder, just hoping that the string wouldn't break. What was she thinking? Of course it wouldn't—she was a Sue. Mary-Sues didn't have to deal with common inconveniences.
Pulling out the sword, she flailed it about madly. In any real situation, she would have been dead, but the sword seemed to do its own work, she just had to hold on. Then the troll came in.
"Holy shit…" she mumbled to herself. She was quickly pulled out of the way by the sword, which she fought to keep a hold on. Before what was happening registered, she (or rather the screwed-up magical freak weapon) had killed another orc.
It's not screwed up; it's the magical sword, Kerfnolmaco!
'Ker-what?'
It's an elvish name!
'I'm not even going to touch that one…'
Emily turned, and was suddenly flattened for the second time in one day (canonically it was more, but in Mary-Sue world it was one day) by a falling hobbit.
"Merry!" She shouted over the noise. They both got up. "What are you—" She was cut off by the cave troll, which let out a strange noise before falling flat to the ground. Emily also fell to the ground as Pippin fell off of the back of the cave troll and right onto her back. It was a miracle she hadn't accidentally impaled herself (or anyone else) yet.
Pippin shook his head and blinked a few times before jumping to his feet. Emily followed suit, noting everyone crowded around her.
"Emily, are you alright?" Legolas asked, taking her hands. "I was so worried!"
"Move!" Pippin said, pushing through the crowd. He made his way over to Frodo as quickly as he could. Emily pulled her hands from Legolas and went after him.
"Aren't you going to help him?" Pippin asked, looking back at the others. This was strange… He wasn't acting hyper or insane. Had the situation been a bit happier, Emily would have hugged him.
"Get you asses over here!" Emily shouted, and in a second, Aragorn was kneeling in front of Frodo.
"I'm fine," Frodo said after a moment. Emily saw Pippin sigh in relief, but the others didn't seem to notice.
"Well, that's good, then," said Aragorn. He stood and faced Emily. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine," she said, disbelief written on her face. She slid the sword back into its scabbard and slung her bag onto her back.
"Hurry up, then," Legolas said, grabbing her hand and pulling her along behind him. Emily pulled her hand from his (rather violently), but continued running with the group. Orcs appeared all around them, and under any normal circumstances, Emily would have been scared to death. But she was the Mary-Sue, she didn't die.
Oo
Guys, here's the story with review responses. I have heard a few times that they are not allowed, but have seen many people doing them. Can anyone clear this up for me? It would be greatly appreciated.
Happy birthday to the story! This is the 20th chapter (counting the prologue and song fics). I have decided to celebrate to post one of the one-shots I've been writing. It is (as always) in the LOTR fandom, and a comedy-esque genre, though this one will not be listed as a parody. Whatever—just go and read the damn thing.