One Mixed Up Mary-Sue
Chapter 18
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"You lost," Aragorn managed to get out while running, "the quiet game."
"Shut it, Aragorn," Legolas snapped.
"You're just a sore loser!"
"Both of you be quiet!" Emily said. "If I wasn't running, I'd hit you with the stick." It was true; she was still carrying that stick around. She came to a quite sudden stop when she ran right into Legolas.
"Emily, I will protect you," Aragorn said. Emily hit him with the stick.
"Shut the hell up," she snapped. As much as she should be being brave, knowing that they would live, she was scared shitless. You try being surrounded by a number that you couldn't count of monsters, waiting for something to happen to scare them away. Yeah, you'd have your doubts too about whether or not it was coming. But she was proven wrong. The orcs scrambled away quite quickly as the Balrog approached.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shi—"
Emily! Watch your language!
'Well I'm just a bit scared that I'm going to die here…'
You're a Mary-Sue; you don't die unless it's good for the plot.
'What if you decided that it's good for the plot?'
I hadn't thought of that... I'm kidding—for now. But you're falling behind.
"Emily, what are you doing, run!" Gandalf said. "All of you run!"
She made some sort of un-comprehensible noise, and then ran. (Thanks to Mary-Sue abilities) she caught up with the group quickly. Legolas grabbed her arm and continued running. She pulled it away from him.
"Quit touching me—holy shit!" Once more she ran right into someone's back, this time it was Gimli. "Sorry."
"Emily, are you alright?" Legolas asked.
"Yes, is he just going to stand there doing that all day?" Emily asked, talking about Boromir, who'd looked like he was going to fall off the stairs for the past minute.
"I'm not helping him, he's dirty!" Legolas protested.
It's true, he is. That's why no one cares about him.
"Unless you haven't noticed, everyone is dirty!'
But he's also mean and evil!
Emily rolled her eyes and grabbed the back of Boromir's tunic. Once he had regained his balance, Emily turned and smacked Legolas with the stick.
"Oww!" he whined, rubbing his arm. "That's going to bruise, and bruises aren't pretty!"
"Shut it," she said, pushing him along in front of her. They moved for a few seconds before (once more) everyone came to a stop. She couldn't see what was going on at the front of the group, but she had a good idea. Next thing she knew she was in front of a gap of empty space, being told to jump. They wanted her to jump, possibly to her death. She stood there for a moment, staring down, contemplating whether or not she would (or even could) make it across.
Gimli ended up pushing her.
"What the hell?" She shouted before falling flat on her front. She'd managed to cover her face, so she hadn't gotten hurt. Her knee was scraped, but that was about it. Legolas helped her up in between firing an impossible number of arrows at orcs. Seriously, every two seconds he would let one fly. Emily stood, but quickly fell back down when Sam landed on her.
"Damn it!" she yelled. One day she was going to be attacked by all four of them together. And that would not be pleasant.
"I- I'm sorry," he stuttered, scrambling to his feet.
"Never mind," Emily muttered, feeling her bottom lip, which was cut up nicely. She wiped the blood away with the back of her hand.
A loud crack filled the room as a huge piece of rock fell and severed the staircase. Emily turned, startled by the noise. Next thing she knew she was being pushed along again. As they neared the bridge, all she could think of was falling to an untimely death. She could easily trip and fall and die.
Jeez! Calm down. You aren't going to trip! Tripping is ungraceful, and you are a pretty, graceful elf.
'I fucking hate you.'
Just concentrate on running; you wouldn't want to trip.
For once, she found herself listening to Mary-Sue. Falling to her death just wasn't looking like that good an option. Once she'd gotten across the bridge, she tripped on a large rock and fell flat on her face.
Remember, I can control the topography here.
"Shove it," Emily said out loud, standing. She wiped dirt from her cut lip.
Be polite! What is it going to take to convince you to be a nice young lady and fall for the hero?
'A lot more than a rock.'
Fine, then.
"Fly, yo f00lz," Gandalf said. Apparently the plot had been sped up just a little in order to cater to Mary-Sue's whims.
"OMFG GANDALF!" screamed Frodo.
Once more Emily found herself assaulted by horrible grammar and spelling. Chat talk was striking back.
'I hate you.'
I know.
Aragorn put an arm around her shoulders and attempted to steer her away from what was supposed to have been a very sad scene. It looked more like a cute fairy tale. Over the past few days she's started to notice something funny in the air. Now she finally realized what it was—sparkles. She followed, mostly out of a desire to not be shot with an arrow.
Finally! Jeez, it was so gross in there!
'Shut the hell up, Mary-Sue.'
Alright! Chop, chop, everyone get moving!
'Someone's in a bad mood.'
I don't have time for this! Everything's already late! Hurry it up!
There was a white flash of light, and once more, Emily found herself the victim of a scene change.
There, it's prettier here.
Lovely—the forest of Lothlórien had been overrun with pink, yellow and powder blue flowers. Small, woodland creatures danced about and the sun shone brightly. Emily jumped as a bird came and landed on her shoulder. Strangely, it didn't fly away. Soon, she was surrounded by birds, squirrels and chipmunks.
"Get the hell away from me!" yelled Emily, waving her hands wildly. Another bird came up and landed on her head.
"Get the hell off!" She shouted, but to no avail. The animals clear would not move, so she resigned herself to being a walking wildlife reserve. "Well, let's keep going."
So, it was that two men, four hobbits, a dwarf, an elf and some sort of creature that was covered in small animals made their way through Lothlórien. By its slouched posture and dragging feet, it was clear that the creature was not happy.
"Damn animals…" muttered Emily under her breath. "Stupid birds and squirr—ouch!" One of the birds that had been sitting on her head had tried to take off without untangling itself from her hair. She stopped and shook herself, but no more of the animals left.
"I love how you are so in touch with nature," Legolas said.
"Shove it," Emily replied.
"I love it more!" Aragorn shouted.
"Both of you shut the hell up."
"All of you be quiet," Gimli whispered. "There's a witch that lives in these woods."
"You realize that's my grandma, right?" Emily asked flatly.
"What?" The entire group asked, astonished.
What are you talking about, Emily?!? Mary-Sue demanded (excessive punctuation and all).
'You're the one who stuck me here and gave me a fake family. Do some research.'
The animals suddenly scurried away. One of the squirrels sat up and waved at her before running off.
"That was weird" Emily said, watching the squirrel.
I'm mad at you, in case you haven't noticed.
'And why would you be mad at me?'
You keep trying to 'fix' things. I've already fixed things to my liking.
'I'm not trying to fix things; they're too screwed up to do that.'
Fine… oh, look up.
'What?' Emily looked up in time to see a very sharp, pointy object in her face. Emily jumped and, with a noise resembling a squeak, nearly fell on her rear. Turning a tinge of pink, she quickly composed herself and turned to the elf behind the arrow.
"Get the stick out of your ass and the arrow out of my face," she said flatly, glaring at the archer in front of her. He didn't move… not even a little.
"The dwarf breathes so loud--"
"Shut the hell up!" yelled Emily. "I am so damn sick of all of this!"
"Excuse me?" Haldir (who else would it be?) asked, giving her a withering look.
"I can so get your ass fired if I want to," she replied flatly. "Your bosses are my grandparents."
"Who are you?"
"Emily. Don't worry if you don't know me, I just found out about all of this shit a few days ago."
"The Emily?"
'Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. What did you do?'
What do you mean? All I did was make you a wonderful prophesized princess.
'I guess it's not worth the time it takes to tell you I hate you.'
Correct.
Emily would have replied to the 'the Emily' comment, but already Legolas and Aragorn were shouting at Haldir.
"She doesn't like you!" Aragorn yelled.
"Oh good Lord," Emily muttered to herself, shaking her head. "What did I do to deserve this shit?"