I do not own Gilmore Girls, I'm not sure i'd want to either considering where the show is going.

Chapter 7: An Album of Realizations

Casey shifted her weight between her feet. This was the most uncomfortable moment ever, in her life anyway. She didn't know what to do. What could she do? Just stand still and watch her roommate crumble into her client's arms. It wasn't that she'd never seen Rory cry before, it was just she had never seen Rory so willing to accept comfort. Rory always portrayed herself as strong and independent. Sure, occasionally Rory would break down and curl up into a heap on the floor, but she was only human. Casey knew that she shouldn't be observing this moment, that it wasn't her place to be a fly on the wall.

"Err. Umm. I'll just leave you two alone." Casey croaked out, however as she backed away into the hallway leading to her room her words went unnoticed.

Rory held onto her mother and cried like she had never cried before. She couldn't believe this was happening. She couldn't believe she had a death grip on her mother. She couldn't believe that her mother didn't hate her for disappearing all those years ago.

"Mom," Rory sniffled and took a step back attempting to let go of her mother, but Lorelai just took a step forward. Lorelai was too afraid that Rory would run again.

"Mom, I've missed you." Rory took another step backwards only to have her mother follow her.

"I'm not going to run. Gilmore's don't run." Rory slightly laughed through all her sniffles and tears.

"Well, I don't know about that. You seem to run a lot." Lorelai finally let go of Rory. She looked at her daughter and her eyes involuntarily traced Rory's fragile frame. She flinched when her eyes spotted the scar on her face caused from Todd's attack.

"Have you…" Lorelai paused and sniffled back some tears.

"Have you, um, lost some weight?" Lorelai smiled, trying to lighten the mood. There was just too much crying in the room right now.

"Oh mom." Rory started laughing as she walked closed to her mom embracing her another hug.

"I've missed so much, haven't I?" Rory asked her mother after a few moments of silence.

"Well Kirk got married, it was a Halloween wedding. He was Frankenstein and Lulu was his bride, you know the black hair with white lightning streaks. It was so funny and romantic. Big old Herman Munster, that was played by Luke, broke down into tears. It was so sad to see the town loony all grown up." Lorelai told the story with as much passion as she could muster.

"Oh my, that sounds like Kirk." Rory looked down at her hands. She should have been there, she shouldn't have left.

"Mom, I'm so sorry, I'm such a jerk." Lorelai just hugged Rory harder.

The mother and daughter pair made their way to the couch and snuggled up against each other. They held onto each other as they recounted their lives stories and cried when they brought up old memories, like the whole Dean saga, the road trip to Harvard, Friday night dinners, etc.

"Ehhem. Excuse me ladies, but are you two going to be eating with me, or am I going to have to eat all by lonesome?" Casey interrupted, she tried to stay in her room as long as she could but it was driving her crazy.

"I could eat." Rory responded and Lorelai nodded her head.

"Great, well I ordered Chinese food. It should be here soon." Casey paused and smiled at how comfortable they were with each other.

"So have you guys been catching up?" Casey asked feeling the need to be included. She felt bad but she was a woman with selfish needs.

"Yes, we have. Seems that this little one doesn't want to reveal much of her current life to me, though. She's making it so hard for me to find out if she's changed or not." Lorelai and Casey shared a chuckle at how stubborn and closed lipped Rory was.

"Hey shut up!" Rory threw a pillow at her mother but missed and hit Casey instead which was perfectly acceptable for Rory.

"So Rory, there is one thing that I have been dying to ask?" Lorelai looked at her daughter to make sure she could proceed. Rory shrugged and raised her eyebrows.

"Well when you left, you were pregnant." She paused as she heard Rory take a deep breath.

"And I guess I'm wondering where my grandbaby is?" For some reason Lorelai treaded softly while she spoke the words. She had feeling that the answer she was looking for was not one Rory wanted to discuss. And as it turned out she was right because Rory just got up and walked to her room. Lorelai shared a look with an astounded Casey before getting up and following.

"Lorelai, wait." Casey called out to her.

"I know Rory is your daughter and you want to be there for her and you want to know why it's a touchy subject, but the Rory I know would not want you to follow her. She likes to be alone. And even if she didn't, I really don't think you can help her." Casey was so sick of having to tell people that Rory is different than she was several years ago.

"Do you know anything about it?" Lorelai had no problem asking other people about Rory. After all she had done it for several years.

"No. As I far as I know, knew, she doesn't have a kid. She never talks about ever having one, of course she avoids talking about everything."

"Oh. So I guess all the toys and clothes and stuff I've been buying for years to give to my grandchild was a waste of money, because I don't have one." Lorelai remarked with a bitter tone in her voice. She didn't know the situation but suspected that her grandchild was put up for adoption. Lorelai sighed, she couldn't really blame Rory for not wanting to keep a child that would forever remind her of Todd and his violent behavior. She shivered as the thought occurred to her. What if violent tendencies could be passed down through the generations?

Lorelai let out a deep breath as she accepted the situation. Rory was a different person. She was a grown woman. She was silent and obviously missing her eccentric personality but from what Lorelai could see, Rory was comfortable. She was relaxed and at ease. She had a great roommate, perhaps the perfect one to keep balance and order in the house. From what Lorelai noticed Casey was several notches down in the crazy level than Paris. Whatever had happened in the last few years had changed Rory and Lorelai would be an ignorant fool if she denied seeing the change in her daughter since as far back as Logan. And as much as she hated Logan, she wished he would have never broken her daughter.

"Lorelai?" Casey waved her hand in front of Lorelai's face trying to get her attention. Lorelai looked at the hand and grabbed it, almost forcefully.

"You're going to hurt someone one day if you keep that up." Lorelai retorted as she glanced down the hallway that Rory retreated down.

"Don't you mean someone's going to hurt me?" Casey playfully questioned as she pulled her hand back. Casey sighed as she followed Lorelai's gaze.

"She'll get over it, I mean she always does." Casey paused as Lorelai turned to look at her.

"I wish I could say something other than 'she's changed' but I can't. I mean I've never known this Rory that everybody keeps talking about. I never seen any sign or indication or slip of her being the Rory you want her to be." Casey paused again. Lorelai looked perplexed during her speech but made no attempts to interrupt.

"Rory, she's well happy. As happy as she can be, I guess. I think she's still haunted by the Todd thing, I think she still visits him. I've always had my suspicions that she goes to see him and I have always thought that that's when she allows herself to slip, to be herself." Casey stopped and looked down the hall, what she was about to say could ruin everything with Rory.

"Sometimes I get the impression that she's repressed some thoughts. That she's in denial about certain things, like her kid I guess. I know that she's never copped up to her running away. I think deep down she regrets it, so she doesn't think about it. She's probably just trying convince herself… She's gone through so much pain, so so much pain, as I'm sure you are aware of. She just doesn't want to deal with the pain beneath the surface. She doesn't know how." Casey spoke in a low volume and carefully picked out her words. She watched as Lorelai leaned in and listened intently to her every word. By the end both women were in tears.

Lorelai couldn't take it anymore. She had to go to Rory. Casey, knowing this pointed in the direction of Rory's room, telling her that Rory's room would be the one with the closed door.

Rory sat on the floor in her closet. She just couldn't deal. She needed to disappear. She needed to get drunk off her ass, even though she still had a hangover. She sighed and then started to cry, her body convulsing into fits of anguish. She wiped away the few tears that came and stood up. She moved around some boxes until she found a photo album. It had a white crate paper cover and on the bottom right corner it had the words 'It's a boy' sewn in a pretty blue thread. In the center there was a picture of her holding her son maybe a day or two after giving birth. She had looked so happy there. She had looked like herself, she looked like she had finally found her peace of mind and could return home, home being the comforting place within herself.

She cautiously opened the book, afraid of all the emotions it would release. She was afraid that she wouldn't be able to handle the all the pain that lived inside those pages. She was afraid she would become so overwhelmed with emotions that she wouldn't want to go on… to tomorrow. Rory remembered a time when this book held so much joy, so much pride. She remembered a time when this book was what she lived for, or more specifically what was inside made her smile and feel like she was on top of the world. And now, now all she felt was that the world was weighing her down.

Nevertheless she continued on her crusade. She didn't know what she was fighting for, but she figured the answer would be inside the book. Rory looked down at the precious title page which held a picture of her baby all wrapped up in a blue blanket. Underneath the photograph, Rory traced the delicate handwriting:

'Benjamin Richard Gilmore

September 17, 2008

4:37 am

19 inches

6. 2 lbs.'

It hurt, Rory couldn't deny that. But still she trekked on, she turned the pages wishing she was back in Florida, sitting in Kay's old rocking chair cooing Benny boy to sleep by telling him the story of his birth and each picture in the album. Rory nearly broke into tears as her fingers traced the DVD of Benny's first word, first semi sentence. She had written: "I've never been more proud of him, and I'm sure he'll make me proud many times over. I've never been more proud of myself, for creating such a beautiful and SMART boy." The second part, Rory recalled, she had written the day he had died, the day she died.

And finally after so many heart wrenching pictures, she finally turned to the last page. It was nothing special, it wasn't done up with pride like the other pages. A newspaper clipping, a photograph, and a piece of paper were simply thrown into the crease of the book. It was Benny's obituary, a picture of his grave and tombstone and a poem she had written the day of his funeral.

"To my Benny boy,

To my pride, To my joy

You were my life, You are my life

You were my Benny, You are my Benny.

Today is the worst day of my life

Today is the day you are no longer mine

Today is the day I died

'Cause Benny boy, I need you

'Cause Benny boy, You need mommy too.

Baby, I'm so sorry I couldn't do more

Baby, I'm so sorry, you deserved more

Baby Benny, I love you

Baby Benny, I don't think I can ever love again

Baby Benny, So many if only's

So many what if's

Baby Benny, I don't know how to forgive myself

'Cause you are all I had, and now I have you no more

Oh god, I just can't do this without you…"

The rest of the poem had been smudged by her tears. And she was in so many tears now. She wiped her face dry and unfolded the piece of newspaper. She held back her screams and yells. She restrained herself from throwing the book to the floor and trashing her closet and her room. She stopped herself from ripping the piece of paper into millions of pieces. She stopped herself from running away, because she'd be a fool to deny that she didn't want to run when the pain became too much. She looked down at the newspaper and read: 'Today is a sad day as we say goodbye to Benjamin Richard Gilmore, Sept.17, 2008-May 21, 2009, whose life was short lived but whose memory will stay will us forever. He is survived by his…"

Rory sniffled and swallowed her tears. She stood up and opened her closet door, still holding the newspaper clipping. She stepped into her room and looked at the dreary appearance. The walls were not cluttered with pictures and art work from Benny like she had imagined. Instead they were blank aside from the light brown paint. There was no stuffed toys on the floor that she hadn't picked up yet since Benny's last visit. Because the truth was, Benny hadn't really visited. She looked at her bed, and on top of the massive pile of blankets Casey had so kindly thrown into her room sat Benny.

"Hi Momma. Will you read me a story?" Benny asked her, his blue eyes gleaming in the poor lighting. His smile shinning up at her. And his brown hair was messy and out of control, it sort of reminded her of Finn's hair. She fell to her knees.

"Momma, what's wrong?" Benny's voice so full of concern and sadness. He, too, knew what must happen now. But he denied it and ran to his mother and hugged her tightly.

"I'll make you better, Momma. I'm the man now, it's my job." Benny laughed knowing that the best medicine for a Gilmore was laughter.

"Benny, you know I love you, right?" Rory asked as she held on tightly to her son.

"Mommy, what's this about?" His childish four year old voice held fear and understanding. He really was a SMART boy.

"I'm sorry Benny, but you're not real." Rory sobbed into his shoulder. He really would have been like his father. And it occurred to Rory right then, that she had always imagined Logan as his father.

"Momma, how's that possible?" Baby Benny asked as tears spilled from his deep blue eyes.

"You, you're… Benny you died." Benny leaned forward and kissed her cheek making 'smack' noise. When Rory opened her eyes she was hugging air. She stood up and plopped into the pile of blankets.

For the millionth time Rory wiped her tears away. She stood up and walked out the door and collided with her mother.

"Oh hey." Rory remarked quickly in order to leave. She was on a mission.

"Rory, hun? Are you okay?" Lorelai grabbed her arm to keep her from running.

"I'm not running mom, I just really have to do something." Lorelai let go of her daughters arm and stood back defeated.

"Oh here, I think it will answer your question." Rory quickly handed her mother the newspaper clipping before rushing out the door, barely remembering to grab her keys and purse.

A/N: I would just like to say thanks to my readers and reveiwers. I am sorry about the delay in updates but you can't rush creativity. Also i hope you enjoyed this chapter, it was hard to get out. By the way the poem is an original, if you hadn't noticed. And i'm not too proud of it, but remember Rory wrote it after her son died, she was barely coherent. Anyway I don't know where the story is going to go, it seemed to side track my outline. For instance I had no idea what to do about her mental problems, but i figured that went well. Also i wanted to spend more time with Lorelai but as it turned out Rory had to go see someone, who i hope you are all intelligent enough to know it is Logan. I had planned to downplay logan a lot more since Lorelai's entrance. But oh well. Anyway this story is a mystery right now, so ideas are welcome.

Also i would just like to say that although it seems Rory has found a solution to her hallucenations, she is still a little on the crazy side. And do not, i repeat, do not expect Logan to make anything better. Rory is a strong, independent woman who doesn't need a man to make things right. Whether Logan is stupid enough to try, I don't know yet.

Thanks for reading and please review.