CHAPTER 3. I think. Yeah, chapter 3.
Author: Hey there peoples. Thank you for the reviews and flame. . I am sorry that I enjoy being insane and have Sephiroth as my pet.
Sephiroth: No you're not.
Author: DON'T HATE ME DARK-SEPHY! I'd also like to say, MOO MOO! I spent the last 20 hours watching anime. VAMPIRE HUNTER D BLOODLUST, TRIGUN, AND EVANGELIAN KICK ASS! Any cookies? I don't blame sugar for my insane ranting, I blame the homicidal childhood I endured, the endless hours of playing Final Fantasy Everything, and my cat; Sephiroth Shakespearean the 3rd. He likes to stare at me when I dress. it's quite creepy.
Legolas: That IS creepy.
Sephiroth: (Whispering to Legolas) What she doesn't know is that I'M really watching her through the eyes of the cat. Heheheh.
Kuja: Oooh! How naughty of you, Sephy!
Sephiroth: .don't. ever. call me that, that name!
Dante: Let's rock, baby.
Link: You need to find something else to say, you've been saying that for the past two days.
Dante: Nature calls? It's in the back.
Link: .
Vincent: .
Kain: I now have the sudden urge to kill something.
Legolas: Let's not keep the good people waiting. I think they want to read now.
CHAPTER THREE
Aeris was the last to sit down at the dinner table. Vincent sat quietly to her left, staring at his empty plate. Cid sat there waiting impatiently to dig into the steaming good food before him. A sulking Sephiroth glared at each one of them to Aeris' right. Aeris looked at each of them and smiled. "Dig in!"
Cid didn't hesitate to fill his plate and shove his face with food after the cue. Vincent and Sephiroth reluctantly placed about a spoon full of everything. Aeris had a helping of everything as well. Aeris and Vincent ate slowly and courteously. Sephiroth had begun that way but ended up eating like Cid as well, he hated to admit he loved Aeris' food.
Once the two animals, Vincent and Aeris finished eating, they were gathered around the presents in the living room. Aeris was jumping up and down in pure bliss. "PRESENTS!"
"Quit it, yer scaring the shit out a me. Here, open my damn present." Cid said chucking the present at her, which hit her and knocked her over. "I don't know if yer ganna like it but I don't give a rats ass! It's about (*%$ing time you grew up!"
After recovering her poise, she sat on her couch and looked at her gift. There was a small card with writing that resembled child scribble. It read 'Happy damn birthday. From Cid.' She untied the bow and ripped off the paper carefully. Everyone seemed to lean closer when she opened the box. Aeris' eyes widened and her face went crimson when she realized what its contents actually were. She promptly closed the box again and looked at Cid in absolute shock, who was cracking up in his seat. She grabbed one of the couch cushions and went over to smother him half-playfully to rid herself of embarrassment.
"What did you receive?" Sephiroth asked curiously.
"Take a peek!" Cid yelled over Aeris' shoulder as he tried to fend off her pillow attack.
"NO!" Aeris cried as Sephiroth opened the box and began shuffling through it, laughing. Vincent took a peek as well. They both were chuckling when Aeris came to attack them as well with the cushion.
"What have we here? Naughty magazines for girls. A few naughty, wow, and I mean NAUGHTY movies. A 'how-to' movie on sex for beginners. " Sephiroth began as he opened one of the magazines, Vincent stared at them as well over his shoulder. Both their jaws went slack and Sephiroth tilted the magazine at different angles, studying it with great care as Aeris beat their heads with the cushion. " Holy crap! How can they get in that position? I'd like to try that later. Hey Aeris. I'll watch these with you, whenever you want."
"How could you, Cid?! This is so. so. What's the word.? VILE! I can't believe you are that sick!" Aeris cried with her face still red. " And you! Sephiroth! Don't make me hurt you!"
"Hey, you told me you are a @^%$ing virgin! Now that you've got that damn man around, you two might #%&*ing get along and decide to get it on! And since you don't &$#ing know what to $#%&$ing do, call em. instruction manuals!" Cid said with great amusement. Sephiroth had a smug look on his face from Aeris' facial expression.
"Don't worry about it, just forget about them Aeris," Sephiroth began, Aeris was about to thank him for his kindness but didn't when he finished. " You don't need them, I've got all the moves right here."
Once they all calmed down, and attended to the new wounds on Sephiroth's head, it was Vincent's turn to give her his gift. His handwriting was quite neat and cursive on his little card next to the black rose, reading; 'I wish you the finest day, though fate likes to come and take it away.' Aeris smiled nervously at the card and opened the small box. Within it there was a beautiful gothic pendant choker and a small perfume bottle. Aeris gasped and smiled as she took off her old necklace and put on the choker then applied the sweet perfume. Once finished, she jumped up and hugged Vincent tightly and thanked him. Hesitantly, he returned the embrace.
Aeris continued to open her gifts from the other members of Avalanche and friends as well. From Tifa, she got a make up kit and ribbons. From Red XIII, she received several books on nature. From Yuffie, she got materia. that had been taken from her dead body after she was killed and before they chucked her into the lake. Anyway. From Cait Sith or Reeve, she received a stuffed version of Cait. From her mother, who now lived in Kalm, she got gil to buy anything she wanted like she usually always got from her. From Barrette, she received a pretty wooden jewelry box. As for Cloud, he sent her a lovely necklace as well, along with a dagger and a note attached, reading; 'in case he pisses you off, or just in case your bored, your friend Cloud.' Everyone, except Sephiroth who became enraged, laughed at the little joke. When she finished opening her gifts they went back to the kitchen to eat the cake.
"Okay, light the damn thing and make a pretty little wish so we can eat it already!" Cid asserted once they sat down.
"Now, the pink stone things are only decoration. Don't eat them unless you want to gag in the most unpleasant way because they get stuck in your throat. Sephy? Would you be so kind as to light the candle?" Aeris asked sweetly and innocently. Sephiroth glared at her yet reluctantly lit it with a lighter. This was Aeris' favorite part of her birthdays, the wishes. It was like a praying for something special. which usually never happens, but it is the thought that counts. well sort of, I guess. The birthday girl looked at her cake with the single candle burning brightly surrounded by a ring of pink gems. Aeris closed her eyes and began her wish.
'Hmm, what to wish for. I got it!' Aeris thought of what to wish for with her eyes held tightly shut, but unbeknown to her, the gems upon the cake began to shimmer ever so slightly. 'I wish to meet a guy that I could get to know well and cope with. One that's noble. one that's pleasing to the eyes. one that's strong. one that's good-hearted. one that's pretty much, and overall unique! Yes! I'd like that.'
"Come on, I would like to *$%@ing eat some-" Cid began to grumble under his breath when the six gems glowed fiery pink. "What the hell?"
Aeris opened here eyes and looked at her cake, the gems were shining brilliantly. She gasped half in shock of it glowing and half at how beautiful it looked. Everyone stared at it. Vincent and Cid prepared for a battle like always when something unexpected occurred. "For Pete sake's, it's only a cake! It's not going to attack." Aeris stopped them from destroying her cake, they put away their weapons. Sephiroth took the opportunity of swiping some frosting off the side of the cake with his finger while everyone else was trying to figure out what was happening. The gems gave a final burst of blinding light and disappeared. Five of the six gems were gone, the last one remained in it place where the circle had been. Everyone stared at the cake some more.
"WHAT THE *$^% JUST HAPPENED?!" Cid exclaimed, looking at everyone else.
"I don't know, but the gems began to glow after I made my wish and then disappeared! What if comes true?! OH MY GOD! COOLNESS!!!" Aeris said excitedly.
"What did you wish for?" the three men asked in union, a bit frightened of the answer.
"Nuh, uh! I can't tell you, or it won't come true!" Aeris said shaking her head. She picked up the last stone and observed it carefully. 'But why did it use five gems and left one behind?' She placed it in her pocket.
Meanwhile, long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
(star wars music begins) Darth Vador: Luke, I am your father.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Author: No, not THAT far. (Lord of the Rings music starts playing) Ok, here we go. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tall and 'noble' man. er, elf, walks up to greet his comrades after killing almost all the orcs that had attacked them. Everyone is just standing there all happy.
"ring goes on, ring goes off, ring goes on, ring goes off, ring goes on, ring goes off, ring goes on, ring goes off." Frodo said as he disappeared and then reappeared over and over. Frodo had been entertaining himself with the gold ring, the one ring to RULE THEM ALL!
"Bless me little hobbit feet, mister Frodo. Mister Legolas killed them all with the help of the dwarf, Aragorn and Boromir, who is now dead over there in the background (camera goes over to a dead body with several dozen arrows sticking out of it) and with no help from us hobbits. Oh and little Merry and Pippin have been kidnapped by some freakishly large orcs, I'm so happy." Sam said.
"I'm not quite dead." Boromir's voice could be heard.
"I guess he's not dead, Sam." Frodo said.
"Oh, rubbish, of course he's dead mister Frodo!" Sam protested, ignoring Frodo.
"I think I'm getting better!" Boromir said.
"No your not, you'll be dead in a few minutes." Sam said.
"No, I think I can pull through." Boromir said as they loaded him onto the elven boat.
"Farewell, brave Boromir! We shall all remember you!" Aragorn said as the boat floated down towards the water fall. Frodo got on another boat. Sam tried to swim for him.
"Go away Sam, I don't like you any more. I want to throw the ring in myself!" Frodo whined. Boromir could be heard screaming down the waterfall, no one noticed.
"'Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee,' and I don't intend to. I promished and a promish is a promish" Sam said spewing water everywhere with a lisp once he was in the boat. " and I love you mister Frodo!"
"Oh Sam!" They started hugging in the boat as they too began to float towards the waterfall. "I love you too!"
".Should we warn them?" Gimli asks. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli all looked at each other.
"Nah!" The three said as they walked away from the shore.
"Let's hunt some orc! Then we can go to the Prancing Pony and get drunk with the women!" Aragorn said. They began to prance off into the woods. Legolas was wondering when he'd be able to take a bath since he fought with all the dirty orcs and got blood all over himself, especially in his beautiful locks, until he noticed a hut with a door that said 'showers.' He was thrilled with it and stopped in front of the hut, Aragorn and Gimli went on ahead unaware that Legolas had stopped.
"Oh goody! Now I can clean my hair!" Legolas said in pure bliss as he opened the door. The inside looked strange to him (but to us, It'd look like your average clean home bathroom with the exception that this bathroom also had the laundry washer and dryer to save space.) Legolas stripped (oooooh, yeah!) and jumped into the shower which had bottles of Pantene Pro- V shampoo and conditioner and soap on the selves. He cleaned himself up. Since he didn't know how to use the washer and dryer, nor did he know what they were for, he washed his clothes in the shower and hung them up to dry.
Back in Aeris' living room.
Aeris, Sephiroth, Cid and Vincent sat staring at each other for about ten minutes so far since the gems did their little trick.
"Can I have some damn cake now?" Cid asked timidly.
"Well, I guess nothing happened. Fine, I'll get the plates." Aeris said as she got up.
"YES!" Cid howled jumping up and down. Sephiroth got up to leave but Aeris stepped in front of him.
"And where do you think your going? I guess you don't like my cake after all, do you?" Aeris pouted.
"I do want cake, but I need to go to the bathroom, if that's ok with you." He said impatiently.
"You know where it is. But hurry or Cid will eat your piece of the cake." Aeris told him, pulling the dishes from their selves.
Sephiroth went down the hall to the bathroom and opened the door. Steam came out of the bathroom while Sephiroth was shocked to find a tall, much like himself, man with pointy ears standing in the middle of the room half naked with a towel around his waist signifying that he just got out of the shower. Both men stared at each other for several seconds.
"DO YOU MIND?!" The man exclaimed finally, extremely annoyed. Sephiroth stood there for several more seconds before turning around and shutting the door. He ran back downstairs and over to Aeris who was dishing out cake.
"Aeris, some guy with long blonde hair, well not as long as mine, is in your bathroom. I think he took a shower too. Where am I ganna pee now?!" Sephiroth whined as he was jumping up and down impatiently.
"What?! Someone's in my house?!" Aeris straitened herself with an angered face. "You can use the bathroom that's in my room, it's the door is next to my closet. Don't make a mess. Cid, Vincent, would you mind coming with me to see who this person is?"
"Aw, but I just started my %#$^ing cake!" Cid whined as he stood. Sephiroth had already left for the bathroom.
Before they turned to go down the hall, a tall man in damp green clothes ran out with a serious and confused look on his face ran out of the hall. "What kind of wizardry is this?! Where am I?!"
"Who the ^*&# are you?!" Cid yelled at him as he pulled out his Venus Gospel. Vincent stood silently with his Death Penalty. And as for Aeris, she stood there drooling and holding her blushing face.
"I am Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. And who are you? And where am I?" Legolas asked scratching his head in confusion.
"Prince?! Shit, that makes me Sephiroth!" Cid said sarcastically.
"Hey! I'm Sephiroth!" Sephiroth yelled as he came running downstairs.
"Did you flush? Did you make a mess? Did you wash you hands?" Aeris asked after snapping back from staring at the bewildered prince.
"Yes. No. And Yes. So who is he?" Sephiroth asked.
"I am Legolas Greenleaf." Legolas said, rather annoyed. "And I AM the Prince of Mirkwood!"
"Oh, I bet you are a prince! You can't be that handsome and not be. I'm Aeris, this is my house, make yourself at home." Aeris smiled, holding out her hand to shake his while staring at him.
"Thank you for your hospitality." Legolas replied as he took her hand, bent down and gently kissed it. Aeris had stars in her eyes and was frozen with glee. "But I really must find my way back to where I was."
"Must you leave so soon? Please, sit down and have some tea, and maybe some cake, would you like that?" Aeris asked trying to find an excuse for him not to leave. Legolas sat down where Aeris had motioned.
"I wouldn't mind some tea." Legolas smiled politely which made Aeris' heart melt before she ran to the kitchen. Sephiroth saw this and glared at the sitting stranger and followed Aeris.
"Yes! My wish DID come true! Whee!" She squealed quietly in joy when she went into the kitchen. She skipped around and did a victory dance while Sephiroth stood behind her. "Score for me!"
"What the hell was all that about?! Was having some naked idiot claiming to be a prince in your bathroom your wish?" He asked when she realized he had heard her. She blushed violently when she faced him.
"No. That's not how I wish him here, I only asked for a guy." Aeris replied.
"Wha-." Sephiroth stopped himself just in time and blushed slightly. 'What about the guy standing before you?' would have came out, if he had known she wouldn't laugh. He left the room, not wanting to show his pride was hurt.
Aeris' blinked. 'Was it something I said?'
Meanwhile, long, long ago, in a galaxy not so far away.
Two black mages were standing next to the Hilda Garde 1 chatting with one another. One threw up his arms in frustration. "I swear! If I have to watch Glitter one more time, I'm throwing every one of his Hello Kitty merchandises overboard!"
"Dear Gods! I know, and have you seen that one room on board? I had no idea they made that many Justin Timberlake posters!" the second black mage said. They shut up once a man who was disturbingly 'pleasing to the eyes' walked off the air ship, stopping to flick back a few tresses of hair with his manicured nails. The pretty man walked over to the two black mages.
"Hello boys! How is everything at my fabulous desert palace?" The man asked with a musical tone.
"Everything's fine, Kuja! Sir? If I may say so, I'm not a boy. I'm a girl." The second black mage replied.
". oh, whatever. Prepare to leave in five minutes, we'll be going off again to meet my little snot-nosed punk of a brother, his role in my play is soon to be over." Kuja said, as he walked back into the airship. A few minutes later, he ran back out and past the bewildered black mages. " I almost left my Mister Snuggles!"
He ran down to his teleporting pad and jumped on. Within seconds he was in his room, he franticly ran over and grabbed the stuffed moogle before giving it a fierce embrace. 'Now to get back to the Hilda Garde. I'm so happy I had a paint job on that thing, now it matches my manicure!' Kuja said to himself gleefully. He lightly skipped over to the transporter and stepped on it. He was beamed out of the room within seconds.
Back in Aeris' living room, again.
"This cake is delicious," Legolas was eating the chocolate cake with Aeris, Vincent and Cid. Sephiroth had finished his and was outside in Aeris' garden.
"Thank you, so you're an elf from the land middle earth and you don't know how you got here?" Aeris asked making sure she understood his story correctly. He nodded as he chewed. "Are all guy elves as handsome as you?"
"I don't know. My race is considered beautiful compared to humans." He replied after he swallowed. Cid was too busy shoveling cake into his face while Vincent rolled his eyes. "A you a human?"
"No and yes, I'm half. The other half is of Cetra. It's an ancient race." Aeris explained. Not a moment later, a man materialized behind the couch Aeris and Legolas sat, holding a stuffed moogle and a facial expression that read 'what the hell'. Cid noticed him first and choked on the cake from surprise. Everyone turned to see a man wearing the weirdest robes that were probably made for a woman. Well, he looked like a woman, since he was wearing make up and, er, a thong. The man looked around, startled and confused.
"WTF'S GOING ON HERE?!" Cid shouted.
"Who's he?" Legolas asked.
"Yeah, what's your damn name, little girl?" Cid asked, trying to ward off a headache by rubbing his temples. The man was even more shocked and this time angry.
"Hold your tongue, old man! I'm not a little girl, I am a grown man! I am the great sorcerer Kuja! I should kill you where you stand, but first I demand to know where I am and how I got here!" Kuja yelled, his voice truly distinguished his gender. Cid giggled after Kuja said he was a grown man. "What is so funny!"
"You don't really have the right to yell at him for that, if you don't want people to contradict you on what you're wearing, don't wear it." Aeris said, annoyed with his appearance already.
"You can't get back to your own world, either?" Legolas asked meekly.
"No! Isn't it obvious?" Kuja exclaimed, throwing his hands and moogle in the air.
"What's all the racket?" Sephiroth asked as he walked back in with a bouquet of hand picked flowers behind his back. He noticed Kuja standing behind Aeris and Legolas. "Now who's this chick?"
"I AM A MAN! And my name is Kuja." The Sorcerer replied. "And I still don't know where I am! Is this not Gaia? I know it's not Terra."
"You're in Midgar, and this is my house, I have never heard of Gaia. Or Terra." Aeris muttered, wondering why a cross dresser was behind her. Kuja hung his head. "I'm sorry. And I wouldn't suggest trying to go outside and attempting to find your way around in what's left of this city. (After Meteor, she came back and repaired the damage to her house with the help of the others in Avalanche.) Especially while wearing that. The goons here are reckless."
"I'm a Sorcerer." Kuja protested. "I can protect myself! I am a grown man, do you not understand?"
"Whatever. I do like your hair though, how do you get it so fluffy?" Aeris asked. All the men except Kuja, who raised his brow and smiled conceitedly, rolled their eyes.
"Thank you. I have a special hair iron that lets you work with your hair without britaling it and makes it soft and fluffy." Kuja answered happy she was interested. The other guys, however, couldn't be more sickened. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author: Well that takes care of two of em. three more to go.
Kuja: I'm so happy that you like my hair. Hug me!
Author: (Hugs) Well, let's moo, moo. I mean move to onto the questions.
Legolas: Oh gods.
Sephiroth: We're not worthy!
Kain: Kill!
Dante: Demon!
Kain: KILL!
Dante: DEMON! (Kain and Dante attack each other)
Author: Even though I support meaningless violence, we need to get to the questions boys.
Link: Where's all the love in this world?
Author: It's in my room. twenty bucks on Dante!
Vincent: You're on.
Author: Back to the QUESTIONS! Now. I am disappointed with the lack of questions. Should I add some lemony goodness to spice things up? Well this first one's from Dudeman, yeah;
Dudeman: Yes that was correct i loved it but where's cloud and Tifa Its very funny dude you rule uh one question do you think Aries is hot too?
Author: I'm a chick, and I AM Aeris. But if I were a guy and I met myself in my hot bod, yeah, I'd do me.
Dante: I'm getting turned on.
Kuja: ME TOO!
Author's friend Elisha: I have a napkin. and I like pie. EVIL PIE!!!!
Link: How about giving us a show Aeris!
Author: (SMACK) oh, this is my friend Elisha. She is an escaped convict from the local asylum, she is a REAL person and is actually here, molesting my pets and groping them.
Link: Yeah that was uncalled for, I'm going to punish myself now, I'm so mean, I just cant stand being myself anymore. (Sob) please FORGIVE me Aeris!
Elisha: I smell something foul.
Vincent: That would be the corpse Chaos dragged in.
Author: Yes. I think I'm hot. Wouldn't you agree Sephiroth?
Sephiroth: Can I have Evil Pie?
Elisha: NO, I'TS MINE! MINE I TELL YOU!!! (Runs off with Vincent and pie)
Author: Hey! He's my pet right now Elisha, Auron is in the dungeon though, go have fun with him. Or I'll snap your bra.
Elisha: Oh Aeris. don't tempt me, you know how I feel about you. Pie day, self control. Don't you eat this pie!
Dante: SWEET! Lesbian action! This is better than pay-per-view.
Legolas: hmmm. Piiiiieeeeee..
Kuja: unick is about what this is ganna being like. I like high heels.
Author: I'm so confused right now. Let us move on to the next question. It's from Kitsunedemon.
Kitsunedemon: o yay!! i like ur story its VERY entertaining wit Cid n Sephiroth hehehehe. OK well i have a question for Sephiroth. OK Sephiroth 1st: Where do u still sort of like cloud or do u hate or maybe somewhat admire him cause of all the crap that he puts up wit from Aeris?? if so do u think that u could set me n cloud up sumtime?
Author: Can't make. out. words. OK.
Elisha: I can! S/he speaks idiot just like me!
Author: That is rude. Now s/he won't read my story anymore.
Sephiroth: I do admire him for putting up with Aeris' crap, because I sure as hell can't. Other than that, I have to say he's a bit too queer to be friends with. For gods' sakes he cross dresses and shaves his legs. And he did kill me.
Author: Smoooooooooth. Shiny thighs. I am not full of crap.
Elisha: Anybody got whip cream? I have the sudden urge to take an edible bath with Tseng in a schoolgirls uniform.
Author: Ohhh, I wanna come!
Kain: I want to talk. KILL!
Dante: DEMON! (Goes and attacks Kain)
Legolas: I'm leaving now.
Kuja: I want to be in the whip cream bath too!
Elisha: Come Kuja, I welcome you!
Vincent: I FEEL SO VIOLATED! (Vincent's being groped by Elisha)
Link: When will this end.
Author: Right now.
Author: Hey there peoples. Thank you for the reviews and flame. . I am sorry that I enjoy being insane and have Sephiroth as my pet.
Sephiroth: No you're not.
Author: DON'T HATE ME DARK-SEPHY! I'd also like to say, MOO MOO! I spent the last 20 hours watching anime. VAMPIRE HUNTER D BLOODLUST, TRIGUN, AND EVANGELIAN KICK ASS! Any cookies? I don't blame sugar for my insane ranting, I blame the homicidal childhood I endured, the endless hours of playing Final Fantasy Everything, and my cat; Sephiroth Shakespearean the 3rd. He likes to stare at me when I dress. it's quite creepy.
Legolas: That IS creepy.
Sephiroth: (Whispering to Legolas) What she doesn't know is that I'M really watching her through the eyes of the cat. Heheheh.
Kuja: Oooh! How naughty of you, Sephy!
Sephiroth: .don't. ever. call me that, that name!
Dante: Let's rock, baby.
Link: You need to find something else to say, you've been saying that for the past two days.
Dante: Nature calls? It's in the back.
Link: .
Vincent: .
Kain: I now have the sudden urge to kill something.
Legolas: Let's not keep the good people waiting. I think they want to read now.
CHAPTER THREE
Aeris was the last to sit down at the dinner table. Vincent sat quietly to her left, staring at his empty plate. Cid sat there waiting impatiently to dig into the steaming good food before him. A sulking Sephiroth glared at each one of them to Aeris' right. Aeris looked at each of them and smiled. "Dig in!"
Cid didn't hesitate to fill his plate and shove his face with food after the cue. Vincent and Sephiroth reluctantly placed about a spoon full of everything. Aeris had a helping of everything as well. Aeris and Vincent ate slowly and courteously. Sephiroth had begun that way but ended up eating like Cid as well, he hated to admit he loved Aeris' food.
Once the two animals, Vincent and Aeris finished eating, they were gathered around the presents in the living room. Aeris was jumping up and down in pure bliss. "PRESENTS!"
"Quit it, yer scaring the shit out a me. Here, open my damn present." Cid said chucking the present at her, which hit her and knocked her over. "I don't know if yer ganna like it but I don't give a rats ass! It's about (*%$ing time you grew up!"
After recovering her poise, she sat on her couch and looked at her gift. There was a small card with writing that resembled child scribble. It read 'Happy damn birthday. From Cid.' She untied the bow and ripped off the paper carefully. Everyone seemed to lean closer when she opened the box. Aeris' eyes widened and her face went crimson when she realized what its contents actually were. She promptly closed the box again and looked at Cid in absolute shock, who was cracking up in his seat. She grabbed one of the couch cushions and went over to smother him half-playfully to rid herself of embarrassment.
"What did you receive?" Sephiroth asked curiously.
"Take a peek!" Cid yelled over Aeris' shoulder as he tried to fend off her pillow attack.
"NO!" Aeris cried as Sephiroth opened the box and began shuffling through it, laughing. Vincent took a peek as well. They both were chuckling when Aeris came to attack them as well with the cushion.
"What have we here? Naughty magazines for girls. A few naughty, wow, and I mean NAUGHTY movies. A 'how-to' movie on sex for beginners. " Sephiroth began as he opened one of the magazines, Vincent stared at them as well over his shoulder. Both their jaws went slack and Sephiroth tilted the magazine at different angles, studying it with great care as Aeris beat their heads with the cushion. " Holy crap! How can they get in that position? I'd like to try that later. Hey Aeris. I'll watch these with you, whenever you want."
"How could you, Cid?! This is so. so. What's the word.? VILE! I can't believe you are that sick!" Aeris cried with her face still red. " And you! Sephiroth! Don't make me hurt you!"
"Hey, you told me you are a @^%$ing virgin! Now that you've got that damn man around, you two might #%&*ing get along and decide to get it on! And since you don't &$#ing know what to $#%&$ing do, call em. instruction manuals!" Cid said with great amusement. Sephiroth had a smug look on his face from Aeris' facial expression.
"Don't worry about it, just forget about them Aeris," Sephiroth began, Aeris was about to thank him for his kindness but didn't when he finished. " You don't need them, I've got all the moves right here."
Once they all calmed down, and attended to the new wounds on Sephiroth's head, it was Vincent's turn to give her his gift. His handwriting was quite neat and cursive on his little card next to the black rose, reading; 'I wish you the finest day, though fate likes to come and take it away.' Aeris smiled nervously at the card and opened the small box. Within it there was a beautiful gothic pendant choker and a small perfume bottle. Aeris gasped and smiled as she took off her old necklace and put on the choker then applied the sweet perfume. Once finished, she jumped up and hugged Vincent tightly and thanked him. Hesitantly, he returned the embrace.
Aeris continued to open her gifts from the other members of Avalanche and friends as well. From Tifa, she got a make up kit and ribbons. From Red XIII, she received several books on nature. From Yuffie, she got materia. that had been taken from her dead body after she was killed and before they chucked her into the lake. Anyway. From Cait Sith or Reeve, she received a stuffed version of Cait. From her mother, who now lived in Kalm, she got gil to buy anything she wanted like she usually always got from her. From Barrette, she received a pretty wooden jewelry box. As for Cloud, he sent her a lovely necklace as well, along with a dagger and a note attached, reading; 'in case he pisses you off, or just in case your bored, your friend Cloud.' Everyone, except Sephiroth who became enraged, laughed at the little joke. When she finished opening her gifts they went back to the kitchen to eat the cake.
"Okay, light the damn thing and make a pretty little wish so we can eat it already!" Cid asserted once they sat down.
"Now, the pink stone things are only decoration. Don't eat them unless you want to gag in the most unpleasant way because they get stuck in your throat. Sephy? Would you be so kind as to light the candle?" Aeris asked sweetly and innocently. Sephiroth glared at her yet reluctantly lit it with a lighter. This was Aeris' favorite part of her birthdays, the wishes. It was like a praying for something special. which usually never happens, but it is the thought that counts. well sort of, I guess. The birthday girl looked at her cake with the single candle burning brightly surrounded by a ring of pink gems. Aeris closed her eyes and began her wish.
'Hmm, what to wish for. I got it!' Aeris thought of what to wish for with her eyes held tightly shut, but unbeknown to her, the gems upon the cake began to shimmer ever so slightly. 'I wish to meet a guy that I could get to know well and cope with. One that's noble. one that's pleasing to the eyes. one that's strong. one that's good-hearted. one that's pretty much, and overall unique! Yes! I'd like that.'
"Come on, I would like to *$%@ing eat some-" Cid began to grumble under his breath when the six gems glowed fiery pink. "What the hell?"
Aeris opened here eyes and looked at her cake, the gems were shining brilliantly. She gasped half in shock of it glowing and half at how beautiful it looked. Everyone stared at it. Vincent and Cid prepared for a battle like always when something unexpected occurred. "For Pete sake's, it's only a cake! It's not going to attack." Aeris stopped them from destroying her cake, they put away their weapons. Sephiroth took the opportunity of swiping some frosting off the side of the cake with his finger while everyone else was trying to figure out what was happening. The gems gave a final burst of blinding light and disappeared. Five of the six gems were gone, the last one remained in it place where the circle had been. Everyone stared at the cake some more.
"WHAT THE *$^% JUST HAPPENED?!" Cid exclaimed, looking at everyone else.
"I don't know, but the gems began to glow after I made my wish and then disappeared! What if comes true?! OH MY GOD! COOLNESS!!!" Aeris said excitedly.
"What did you wish for?" the three men asked in union, a bit frightened of the answer.
"Nuh, uh! I can't tell you, or it won't come true!" Aeris said shaking her head. She picked up the last stone and observed it carefully. 'But why did it use five gems and left one behind?' She placed it in her pocket.
Meanwhile, long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
(star wars music begins) Darth Vador: Luke, I am your father.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Author: No, not THAT far. (Lord of the Rings music starts playing) Ok, here we go. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tall and 'noble' man. er, elf, walks up to greet his comrades after killing almost all the orcs that had attacked them. Everyone is just standing there all happy.
"ring goes on, ring goes off, ring goes on, ring goes off, ring goes on, ring goes off, ring goes on, ring goes off." Frodo said as he disappeared and then reappeared over and over. Frodo had been entertaining himself with the gold ring, the one ring to RULE THEM ALL!
"Bless me little hobbit feet, mister Frodo. Mister Legolas killed them all with the help of the dwarf, Aragorn and Boromir, who is now dead over there in the background (camera goes over to a dead body with several dozen arrows sticking out of it) and with no help from us hobbits. Oh and little Merry and Pippin have been kidnapped by some freakishly large orcs, I'm so happy." Sam said.
"I'm not quite dead." Boromir's voice could be heard.
"I guess he's not dead, Sam." Frodo said.
"Oh, rubbish, of course he's dead mister Frodo!" Sam protested, ignoring Frodo.
"I think I'm getting better!" Boromir said.
"No your not, you'll be dead in a few minutes." Sam said.
"No, I think I can pull through." Boromir said as they loaded him onto the elven boat.
"Farewell, brave Boromir! We shall all remember you!" Aragorn said as the boat floated down towards the water fall. Frodo got on another boat. Sam tried to swim for him.
"Go away Sam, I don't like you any more. I want to throw the ring in myself!" Frodo whined. Boromir could be heard screaming down the waterfall, no one noticed.
"'Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee,' and I don't intend to. I promished and a promish is a promish" Sam said spewing water everywhere with a lisp once he was in the boat. " and I love you mister Frodo!"
"Oh Sam!" They started hugging in the boat as they too began to float towards the waterfall. "I love you too!"
".Should we warn them?" Gimli asks. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli all looked at each other.
"Nah!" The three said as they walked away from the shore.
"Let's hunt some orc! Then we can go to the Prancing Pony and get drunk with the women!" Aragorn said. They began to prance off into the woods. Legolas was wondering when he'd be able to take a bath since he fought with all the dirty orcs and got blood all over himself, especially in his beautiful locks, until he noticed a hut with a door that said 'showers.' He was thrilled with it and stopped in front of the hut, Aragorn and Gimli went on ahead unaware that Legolas had stopped.
"Oh goody! Now I can clean my hair!" Legolas said in pure bliss as he opened the door. The inside looked strange to him (but to us, It'd look like your average clean home bathroom with the exception that this bathroom also had the laundry washer and dryer to save space.) Legolas stripped (oooooh, yeah!) and jumped into the shower which had bottles of Pantene Pro- V shampoo and conditioner and soap on the selves. He cleaned himself up. Since he didn't know how to use the washer and dryer, nor did he know what they were for, he washed his clothes in the shower and hung them up to dry.
Back in Aeris' living room.
Aeris, Sephiroth, Cid and Vincent sat staring at each other for about ten minutes so far since the gems did their little trick.
"Can I have some damn cake now?" Cid asked timidly.
"Well, I guess nothing happened. Fine, I'll get the plates." Aeris said as she got up.
"YES!" Cid howled jumping up and down. Sephiroth got up to leave but Aeris stepped in front of him.
"And where do you think your going? I guess you don't like my cake after all, do you?" Aeris pouted.
"I do want cake, but I need to go to the bathroom, if that's ok with you." He said impatiently.
"You know where it is. But hurry or Cid will eat your piece of the cake." Aeris told him, pulling the dishes from their selves.
Sephiroth went down the hall to the bathroom and opened the door. Steam came out of the bathroom while Sephiroth was shocked to find a tall, much like himself, man with pointy ears standing in the middle of the room half naked with a towel around his waist signifying that he just got out of the shower. Both men stared at each other for several seconds.
"DO YOU MIND?!" The man exclaimed finally, extremely annoyed. Sephiroth stood there for several more seconds before turning around and shutting the door. He ran back downstairs and over to Aeris who was dishing out cake.
"Aeris, some guy with long blonde hair, well not as long as mine, is in your bathroom. I think he took a shower too. Where am I ganna pee now?!" Sephiroth whined as he was jumping up and down impatiently.
"What?! Someone's in my house?!" Aeris straitened herself with an angered face. "You can use the bathroom that's in my room, it's the door is next to my closet. Don't make a mess. Cid, Vincent, would you mind coming with me to see who this person is?"
"Aw, but I just started my %#$^ing cake!" Cid whined as he stood. Sephiroth had already left for the bathroom.
Before they turned to go down the hall, a tall man in damp green clothes ran out with a serious and confused look on his face ran out of the hall. "What kind of wizardry is this?! Where am I?!"
"Who the ^*&# are you?!" Cid yelled at him as he pulled out his Venus Gospel. Vincent stood silently with his Death Penalty. And as for Aeris, she stood there drooling and holding her blushing face.
"I am Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. And who are you? And where am I?" Legolas asked scratching his head in confusion.
"Prince?! Shit, that makes me Sephiroth!" Cid said sarcastically.
"Hey! I'm Sephiroth!" Sephiroth yelled as he came running downstairs.
"Did you flush? Did you make a mess? Did you wash you hands?" Aeris asked after snapping back from staring at the bewildered prince.
"Yes. No. And Yes. So who is he?" Sephiroth asked.
"I am Legolas Greenleaf." Legolas said, rather annoyed. "And I AM the Prince of Mirkwood!"
"Oh, I bet you are a prince! You can't be that handsome and not be. I'm Aeris, this is my house, make yourself at home." Aeris smiled, holding out her hand to shake his while staring at him.
"Thank you for your hospitality." Legolas replied as he took her hand, bent down and gently kissed it. Aeris had stars in her eyes and was frozen with glee. "But I really must find my way back to where I was."
"Must you leave so soon? Please, sit down and have some tea, and maybe some cake, would you like that?" Aeris asked trying to find an excuse for him not to leave. Legolas sat down where Aeris had motioned.
"I wouldn't mind some tea." Legolas smiled politely which made Aeris' heart melt before she ran to the kitchen. Sephiroth saw this and glared at the sitting stranger and followed Aeris.
"Yes! My wish DID come true! Whee!" She squealed quietly in joy when she went into the kitchen. She skipped around and did a victory dance while Sephiroth stood behind her. "Score for me!"
"What the hell was all that about?! Was having some naked idiot claiming to be a prince in your bathroom your wish?" He asked when she realized he had heard her. She blushed violently when she faced him.
"No. That's not how I wish him here, I only asked for a guy." Aeris replied.
"Wha-." Sephiroth stopped himself just in time and blushed slightly. 'What about the guy standing before you?' would have came out, if he had known she wouldn't laugh. He left the room, not wanting to show his pride was hurt.
Aeris' blinked. 'Was it something I said?'
Meanwhile, long, long ago, in a galaxy not so far away.
Two black mages were standing next to the Hilda Garde 1 chatting with one another. One threw up his arms in frustration. "I swear! If I have to watch Glitter one more time, I'm throwing every one of his Hello Kitty merchandises overboard!"
"Dear Gods! I know, and have you seen that one room on board? I had no idea they made that many Justin Timberlake posters!" the second black mage said. They shut up once a man who was disturbingly 'pleasing to the eyes' walked off the air ship, stopping to flick back a few tresses of hair with his manicured nails. The pretty man walked over to the two black mages.
"Hello boys! How is everything at my fabulous desert palace?" The man asked with a musical tone.
"Everything's fine, Kuja! Sir? If I may say so, I'm not a boy. I'm a girl." The second black mage replied.
". oh, whatever. Prepare to leave in five minutes, we'll be going off again to meet my little snot-nosed punk of a brother, his role in my play is soon to be over." Kuja said, as he walked back into the airship. A few minutes later, he ran back out and past the bewildered black mages. " I almost left my Mister Snuggles!"
He ran down to his teleporting pad and jumped on. Within seconds he was in his room, he franticly ran over and grabbed the stuffed moogle before giving it a fierce embrace. 'Now to get back to the Hilda Garde. I'm so happy I had a paint job on that thing, now it matches my manicure!' Kuja said to himself gleefully. He lightly skipped over to the transporter and stepped on it. He was beamed out of the room within seconds.
Back in Aeris' living room, again.
"This cake is delicious," Legolas was eating the chocolate cake with Aeris, Vincent and Cid. Sephiroth had finished his and was outside in Aeris' garden.
"Thank you, so you're an elf from the land middle earth and you don't know how you got here?" Aeris asked making sure she understood his story correctly. He nodded as he chewed. "Are all guy elves as handsome as you?"
"I don't know. My race is considered beautiful compared to humans." He replied after he swallowed. Cid was too busy shoveling cake into his face while Vincent rolled his eyes. "A you a human?"
"No and yes, I'm half. The other half is of Cetra. It's an ancient race." Aeris explained. Not a moment later, a man materialized behind the couch Aeris and Legolas sat, holding a stuffed moogle and a facial expression that read 'what the hell'. Cid noticed him first and choked on the cake from surprise. Everyone turned to see a man wearing the weirdest robes that were probably made for a woman. Well, he looked like a woman, since he was wearing make up and, er, a thong. The man looked around, startled and confused.
"WTF'S GOING ON HERE?!" Cid shouted.
"Who's he?" Legolas asked.
"Yeah, what's your damn name, little girl?" Cid asked, trying to ward off a headache by rubbing his temples. The man was even more shocked and this time angry.
"Hold your tongue, old man! I'm not a little girl, I am a grown man! I am the great sorcerer Kuja! I should kill you where you stand, but first I demand to know where I am and how I got here!" Kuja yelled, his voice truly distinguished his gender. Cid giggled after Kuja said he was a grown man. "What is so funny!"
"You don't really have the right to yell at him for that, if you don't want people to contradict you on what you're wearing, don't wear it." Aeris said, annoyed with his appearance already.
"You can't get back to your own world, either?" Legolas asked meekly.
"No! Isn't it obvious?" Kuja exclaimed, throwing his hands and moogle in the air.
"What's all the racket?" Sephiroth asked as he walked back in with a bouquet of hand picked flowers behind his back. He noticed Kuja standing behind Aeris and Legolas. "Now who's this chick?"
"I AM A MAN! And my name is Kuja." The Sorcerer replied. "And I still don't know where I am! Is this not Gaia? I know it's not Terra."
"You're in Midgar, and this is my house, I have never heard of Gaia. Or Terra." Aeris muttered, wondering why a cross dresser was behind her. Kuja hung his head. "I'm sorry. And I wouldn't suggest trying to go outside and attempting to find your way around in what's left of this city. (After Meteor, she came back and repaired the damage to her house with the help of the others in Avalanche.) Especially while wearing that. The goons here are reckless."
"I'm a Sorcerer." Kuja protested. "I can protect myself! I am a grown man, do you not understand?"
"Whatever. I do like your hair though, how do you get it so fluffy?" Aeris asked. All the men except Kuja, who raised his brow and smiled conceitedly, rolled their eyes.
"Thank you. I have a special hair iron that lets you work with your hair without britaling it and makes it soft and fluffy." Kuja answered happy she was interested. The other guys, however, couldn't be more sickened. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author: Well that takes care of two of em. three more to go.
Kuja: I'm so happy that you like my hair. Hug me!
Author: (Hugs) Well, let's moo, moo. I mean move to onto the questions.
Legolas: Oh gods.
Sephiroth: We're not worthy!
Kain: Kill!
Dante: Demon!
Kain: KILL!
Dante: DEMON! (Kain and Dante attack each other)
Author: Even though I support meaningless violence, we need to get to the questions boys.
Link: Where's all the love in this world?
Author: It's in my room. twenty bucks on Dante!
Vincent: You're on.
Author: Back to the QUESTIONS! Now. I am disappointed with the lack of questions. Should I add some lemony goodness to spice things up? Well this first one's from Dudeman, yeah;
Dudeman: Yes that was correct i loved it but where's cloud and Tifa Its very funny dude you rule uh one question do you think Aries is hot too?
Author: I'm a chick, and I AM Aeris. But if I were a guy and I met myself in my hot bod, yeah, I'd do me.
Dante: I'm getting turned on.
Kuja: ME TOO!
Author's friend Elisha: I have a napkin. and I like pie. EVIL PIE!!!!
Link: How about giving us a show Aeris!
Author: (SMACK) oh, this is my friend Elisha. She is an escaped convict from the local asylum, she is a REAL person and is actually here, molesting my pets and groping them.
Link: Yeah that was uncalled for, I'm going to punish myself now, I'm so mean, I just cant stand being myself anymore. (Sob) please FORGIVE me Aeris!
Elisha: I smell something foul.
Vincent: That would be the corpse Chaos dragged in.
Author: Yes. I think I'm hot. Wouldn't you agree Sephiroth?
Sephiroth: Can I have Evil Pie?
Elisha: NO, I'TS MINE! MINE I TELL YOU!!! (Runs off with Vincent and pie)
Author: Hey! He's my pet right now Elisha, Auron is in the dungeon though, go have fun with him. Or I'll snap your bra.
Elisha: Oh Aeris. don't tempt me, you know how I feel about you. Pie day, self control. Don't you eat this pie!
Dante: SWEET! Lesbian action! This is better than pay-per-view.
Legolas: hmmm. Piiiiieeeeee..
Kuja: unick is about what this is ganna being like. I like high heels.
Author: I'm so confused right now. Let us move on to the next question. It's from Kitsunedemon.
Kitsunedemon: o yay!! i like ur story its VERY entertaining wit Cid n Sephiroth hehehehe. OK well i have a question for Sephiroth. OK Sephiroth 1st: Where do u still sort of like cloud or do u hate or maybe somewhat admire him cause of all the crap that he puts up wit from Aeris?? if so do u think that u could set me n cloud up sumtime?
Author: Can't make. out. words. OK.
Elisha: I can! S/he speaks idiot just like me!
Author: That is rude. Now s/he won't read my story anymore.
Sephiroth: I do admire him for putting up with Aeris' crap, because I sure as hell can't. Other than that, I have to say he's a bit too queer to be friends with. For gods' sakes he cross dresses and shaves his legs. And he did kill me.
Author: Smoooooooooth. Shiny thighs. I am not full of crap.
Elisha: Anybody got whip cream? I have the sudden urge to take an edible bath with Tseng in a schoolgirls uniform.
Author: Ohhh, I wanna come!
Kain: I want to talk. KILL!
Dante: DEMON! (Goes and attacks Kain)
Legolas: I'm leaving now.
Kuja: I want to be in the whip cream bath too!
Elisha: Come Kuja, I welcome you!
Vincent: I FEEL SO VIOLATED! (Vincent's being groped by Elisha)
Link: When will this end.
Author: Right now.