CHAPTER FOUR
Quote of the week: (To Vincent) I have no clue why I stole you from that woman but mate with these people and I will give you dollar. - SirLief
Vincent: You know, I am quiet and twisted and dark because of that alone...
Link: We're the Shroom Fairies. You build it. We'll make a circle around it. And dance.
Author: Link went a bit insane from the wait to come into the fic, my gods, and the poor chickens.
Link: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! (Runs around insanely with as many chickens that can be stuffed in his tunic)
Kain: KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! (Runs after him with his Soul Reaver)
Sephiroth: Shut up! Both of you! Or there will be hell to pay. And you can tell those Shroom Fairies to go to hell!
Legolas: They're not listening.
Vincent: Oh, he'll make them listen.
Several minutes later...
Vincent: (looks at the badly beaten bodies of Link and Kain) I told you...
Sephiroth: (quickly tried to get rid of a large steel pipe he happened to be holding, then runs off)
Dante: Hey, where'd Aeris/Author go. And where'd Sephiroth go...?! Lucky bastard...
Kuja: Even I'm jealous.
Dante: Why the hell would you be jealous? You're gay.
Kuja: I am not! I just have more fashion sense than all of you!
Dante: Well you can go wax your ass because I don't give a damn.
Link: (still dazed) When I grow up I want to be a cherry pie!
Author: (pops up out of no where) I know Link, I know... I'm ganna have to change this to rated R, I just know it... Well anyways folks, I know some of you wanted the 'love in unusual places' updated, but I haven't gotten around to it. No, I lied. I've been having too many ideas for 'Aeris' birthday gone wild'. I'm sorry. Hook me up for any ideas for the 'love in unusual places'; I pretty much have the plot worked out, it's just I'm bored with it. Give me something that will inspire me.
Sephiroth: So I get to have lemons with Aeris/you in this, right? LEMON!
Vincent: ... (Silently cheering for the lemon in his twisted little mind)
All the Guys: LEMON!!!
Author: pthbbb.. Men! This is why I'm not a people person. AHHHH! (The guys all dog pile on her)
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Four hundred years after the nobleman Kain Was cursed to walk the night as a vampire And centuries before Kain would rule the Wasteland of Nosgoth with his lieutenant Raziel His path of conquest is stopped by a new enemy The pillars of Nosgoth lie in ruin Vampires roam the land once again And the legacy of Kain continues (dum dum dummmmm! heheheh. Sorry.)
The body of the former nobleman, Kain, lay upon a bed in a semi dark room. Only a candle threw light into the darkness. The 'strong' vampire began to stir in his sleep, all the while snoring. He mumbles in his sleep, ".... Mmmm, bunnies... nnumoomoo, KEABLER ELVES! Unnnchhh..." But soon, he began to awaken, after two hundred years.
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Author: So sorry to interrupt, I'd just like to say that I am up and its three A.M. and my window is stuck open and I'M HEARING GOD DAMNED COWS MOOING!!!!!!!! THEY WON'T SHUT UP!!!!!!!! I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! THE HORROR OF LOSING MY OWN SANITY!!! I FEEL LIKE GOING OUT THERE AND EMPTYING SEVERAL ROUNDS OF AMUNITION INTO THOSE BASTARDS!!!!! But that would go against my code of ethics, since I'm a vegetarian. Yeah, I'm a vegetarian. And for reasons I won't state now, I might add. So please, just hug whatever is closest to you right now; your cat, your computer, maybe your extensive Manga collection of Lupon the third... because I have a gun in my hands right now and I just don't know what to do with it. Thank you for your time. Enjoy the rest of this chapter. - Aeris
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Like many of us, he first begins his awakening with mumbling useless crap through our mind. 'From the shards of tattered dreams I rose, unwilling. Tossed upon tides of pain that flowed and ebbed and left me searingly awake and more revoltingly... alive. It was then I realized for the first time I had the LARGEST F*%$ING HANGOVER EVER THOUGHT TO OF HAD IN EONS!!!' He grasped his head in pain as he slowly sat up, and keeping his balance as well. He turned towards the entrance of the room and saw a scantly clad woman leaning up against the doorframe.
"Good evening. We did not expect you to awaken so soon. Already you surprise us." The woman said with a grin, Kain had to squint at her to determine what she was.
'My mind was in fragments, like I just got totally wasted' Kain notified her right away. "Crap, so are you a hooker I brought back here and forgot to pay? Because I think I was drunk and I don't have any money. Where am I? I.. I Don't remember..."
The woman got really mad at his words. "Yes, it was said your memory would be affected by your long slumber after fainting from practically drinking a ton of Everclear and blood. That will pass, in time, lots of time. But I'm not a damn whore, I am Umah and I am here to help you. Know that your name is Kain and you were once a power in the land." Kain rose from his bed onto his feet, though it was hell for him to stable himself; everything was still dizzy for him.
"God Damn it! By now you should be sober enough to kick some Sarafan ass! Quit &#%#ing around and listen! Do you know your nature?" Umah was now flustered beyond repair.
"OH! I know this one! Uhhhh, BUNNIES! And Uhh, muffins." Kain said poking at the air. Umah slapped him.
"BLOOD! You idiot! Blood, carnage, death, destruction, and chaos, ECT." Umah yelled at him. Kain just stared at her for several minutes while she glared back.
Finally he reached up and groped her breasts. "Are these real?" Before he knew it, Umah was beating him over the head with a chair from close by. She left his beaten body and slammed the door.
Several days later.
Kain awoke in the same room, unaware of what he had committed before his second sleep. The only thing that filled his mind was 'Blood, carnage, death, destruction, and chaos, ECT!' They kept going through his head, over and over like a broken record. But he didn't care, he was hungry and he knew blood was his only food. He smiled, showing off his sharp canine teeth, at that word; blood. He picked himself off the floor and walked over to a curtain-drawn window and looked out the window. It was night in a city of sorts. Meridian was the city's name. Well, that was good enough for him. He couldn't care less how or when he got there or even why he was there. He just wanted to drain the fluids out of the closest thing alive.
He reach for the door handle and flipped open the door to find no slums of a city but a strange room with larger bed than the one in his room and much more material possessions along the wall or on the floor. It seemed to be the bedroom of a woman, not a very casual woman either. Kain decided that the only way of getting out of the bedroom he was in was to go into and then out of this one. So he stepped in and looked around some more. The door shut behind him, causing him to spin around in surprise and open it again. But instead of the room he was in, it was a different room with marble fixtures and a marble tub; a really nice bathroom in other words. This baffled him beyond comprehension as he opened and closed the door repeatedly to see if it would go back to the former room he cam from. There was a door to the right of the bathroom so he decided to try that one instead. Yet it was only a closet.
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Author: again, I must intrude. A wise saying must be put in here at this moment.
"She turned me into a newt," a villager said. "A newt?" There was a slight hesitation from the villager before he said, "Well, I got better." "Burn her anyway!" cried the villagers.
Author: Now that I got that out of my system, I shall continue... Oh, and there will be a bit of fluff stuff down here so be warned!
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Kain didn't have much time to contemplate what was going on much longer when he heard voices approaching the third half open door across the room that led into a hall. He could tell it was the voice of a female and quickly hid in the closet and left it open slightly so he could see his next victim.
A woman in pink stormed into the room muttering curses under her breath as she went over to her mirror on her wall. There was a nasty stain from a dark liquid, presumably from a drink she had spilled upon herself. Kain was trying to decide when to attack and drink her blood until she began to undress. He watched tentatively as she carefully undid each button from top to bottom on her pink apparel and slid it off of her shoulders and onto the floor, revealing a slender beautiful frame, curving at just the right place that began to excite Kain. He began to reconsider killing her for food and trying something else he had in mind. (You KNOW what I'm talking about)
Five Minutes Earlier...
Kuja was sitting on the sofa drinking tea next to Aeris and Legolas while the three other men were too busy playing poker. Aeris, who was between the two new strangers, watched the boys play as they drank beer. She herself and Legolas also had tea while they sat on the coach, silently. Cid was conversing with Sephiroth and somehow, they got Vincent to drink beer. Cid turned around in his chair to Kuja.
"Hey you little fag! Do you wanna *(%$ing play?" Cid scoffed making Kuja frown.
"Guys. don't start again." Aeris warned.
"I told you, ignorant human, that I do not know your childish card tricks!" Kuja sneered back.
"Your such a damn pussy! Get over here and I might $%^&ing teach you!" Cid yelled as he picked up a pillow and flung it at him, forgetting he was holding a cup of tea, which ended up onto Aeris' dress. Aeris' mouth hung in sheer disbelief as she stared at her now stained dress, the tea also soaked in and wet Aeris' skin uncomfortably. Everyone went silent and stared at Aeris' dress.
"CID! DAMN IT! I just had this cleaned too! I TOLD YOU TO SETTLE DOWN, DIDN'T I?!" Aeris fumed as she got off the couch and glared at him. She marched over towards the stairs and stopped.
"Oh my." Kuja muttered.
"I want you all to behave! And I mean it! Someone clean up that mess while I take shower!" Aeris ranted before heading up the stairs. Once she was out of sight Cid got a towel and looked at Kuja and then Legolas.
"What the hell are you looking at?! Drink your god damned tea!" He swaggered before cleaning up the tea.
Sephiroth took this opportunity to sneak upstairs towards Aeris' room. No one but Vincent noticed his absence. Vincent could see him with the bouquet of flowers he had picked for her earlier as he slipped upstairs slyly.
Meanwhile, Upstairs..
"I swear they act like five year olds!" Aeris mumbled as she slid off her dress and laid it upon her bed. She walked back over to her dresser and stared at herself in the mirror as she removed her jewelry and hair ties. Her chestnut hair tumbled down her back, wavy from being in a braid all day. She stared at her frown in the mirror, creating a sigh of weariness. She took several calming breaths before humming a soft melody. She grabbed a towel and headed to her bathroom. Aeris however, forgot to close the door before continuing to dress down for her shower.
In the Closet..
Kain watched as the woman approached his hiding place before grabbing a towel. His black heart raced with pure excitement as the beautiful woman, adorned in only her underwear and bra, made her way into the room he formally came from. He could hear water flow from the room that had the marble tub, he cringed at the remembrance of what water did to his kind; it was like acid to vampires. He was about to open the closet fully until he saw a tall man stick his head in nervously. The male looked quite similar to himself; he had long flaxen hair like his with one exception, he had bangs. He too was quite strong looking. The only thing different besides the bangs was his eyes and skin tone, unlike the vampires; the man had emerald eyes and darker skin. He was holding flowers in one hand.
Sephiroth walked in prudently, making sure Aeris was not in sight, and walked over to her neatly made queen sized bed. He noted the dress she had worn with the stain from earlier. He could hear that the water was running in the bathroom, and steam floating out of the half-opened doorway. He placed the flowers on her dress and turned to leave yet began to hear an alluring song that you would think could only be heard from a siren. It was harmonious and gentle to the ears, causing Sephiroth to unconsciously step towards the bathroom with every note he heard. Curiosity struck him as he wondered what has always under that elegant gentle pink dress of hers. His heart was pounding as if it were to protrude out of his chest and he gulped down the lump in his throat as he watered at the mouth. Her singing deluded his position and he couldn't care less.
He peered slowly about the door and stared towards the bathtub Aeris stood in, cleansing her body gingerly, unaware of his presence. Only a semi transparent curtain was the only thing that blocked Sephiroth's view. He did not care, the form that he could see through the curtain gave him a good enough idea on how her body was... Sephiroth grinned naughtily.
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Elisha: PERVERT!!! Hmm, when does Vincent take a shower?
Author: Hey where the hell did you come from, I'm writing here!
Vincent: Well, I feel dirty. I'm off to take a shower. (Walks away, Elisha follows)
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Aeris turned the knob and the water ceased to flow from the showerhead. Without any thought on her mind but a tune dancing on her lips, she pushed the shower curtain aside and went for her towel. Sephiroth's jaw dropped as his nose began to bleed like no tomorrow. Aside from her exquisite assets that water was dripping from, he noticed something upon her figure that made his heart sink in guilt as she dried off. He could see in full view, the scar from the puncture wound left by his Masamune. It rested right under and between her breasts. Sephiroth speculated if she thought of day when he had killed her every time she undressed. He unconsciously let out a sigh of culpability, alarming Aeris in the process. Realizing he just gave away his position by the shriek she let out, Sephiroth turned in preparation of running like hell.
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Aeris regained herself as he turned to flee. Sephiroth stopped and hung his head as Aeris hurriedly covered herself with her towel before approaching him. Her face was tinged scarlet and Sephiroth could understand why. Aeris' facial expression was torn between rage and shock as she looked up at him. Sephiroth was honestly scared by what would happen next. Aeris slapped him twice, leaving a handprint on both of his cheeks. "You were, were, watching me?! You are sicker than I imagined!"
Even though Aeris began giving him an earful, he just couldn't focus on anything but the scar. He had caused a lot of pain to her and hadn't taken heed of any of it. While Aeris kept raving about how vile he was, he placed his hand on the towel over the scar and just stared. Aeris went silent when he did this and looked at his hand for a few seconds until she realized that he was trying to signify the mark of her death by the same hands. Aeris' face softened and she looked up into the formal general's usually stern face to find it vexed with untold feelings. She sighed and smiled gently as she pulled his hand away from her abdomen and wrapped her arms around his middle. Sephiroth was in complete shock at her embrace but gained enough courage to return it, he could tell that she knew he was sorry. They stood holding each other silently, Sephiroth rested his chin on her head and traced up and down her spine with his index finger as Aeris played with the police badge on his costume, all the while giggling. (Yes! He is STILL wearing it!)
'He's getting much better and much friendlier. At this rate he'll be able to leave here without me worrying about him maiming anything.' Aeris thought. She felt strange being held in the arms of her killer but she excused the irony of it all and enjoyed his friendly hug. A minute later and she broke from his grasp and looked at him with a kind smile. "NOW's the time for an apology for your intrusion, Sephiroth."
"Wouldn't you realize by now that I'm not the kind of guy that apologize?" He turned away stubbornly with a grin of mischief. Aeris pulled out a piko hammer (you know, those funny lookin' hammers in mangas) from no where and bonked him on the head. He clutched the new bump on his head and yelped out an ouch. Aeris tossed the piko hammer over her shoulder and poked his chest.
"Come on! I mean it. I'd really appreciate if you would apologize for everything and mean it. Please?" Aeris said with puppy dog eyes before patting the area where her scar was. "And I do mean everything. I want to actually hear that you say that you're sorry."
"Hmmph! Fine! Aeris, I am truly sorry for all the grief I have put on your shoulders, I'm sorry for hurting you. Please forgive me." Sephiroth said reluctantly but glad to get it off his chest. Aeris smiled and nodded.
"See? It wasn't too hard. You're making a lot of progress, Sephy." Aeris chirped as she patted his cheek. "Now get out so I can put on my clo-.." Aeris stopped as she looked over her shoulder at the closet to their right. She had remembered that she had definitely closed it. Sephiroth took notice of the place she was gazing at. Aeris shrugged it off and was about to go back to what she was saying until Sephiroth placed a finger on his lips to silence her. He focused his energy into his senses and could sense an aura from the closet, and wondered why he didn't feel it sooner. It felt strong.
In the closet (where I usually spend MY days in. Thus, the fluff has ceased. For now, heheheh!)...
The talking stopped and Kain couldn't see what was happening but he could sense that they felt his presence in the room. He could hear the footsteps of the man approach, though quiet as they were because of the carpet. The muscles in Kain's body tensed as he prepared to attack at the necessary moment. His mind screamed at him, 'KILL!' The door opened and he froze in surprise at who it was.
Aeris, while still in her towel, reached in ignoring the shocked vampire and grabbed one of the many identical pink dresses, a pair of underwear that Kain had sniffed earlier, and a bra and turned back to the bathroom. Kain stepped out of the closet only to meet Sephiroth's angry glare.
"So, whoever you are, you were spying on Aeris! And in the closet! Pervert." Sephiroth said to him once Aeris closed the bathroom door.
"Hey! You hypocrite! You were too!" Aeris' voice called out from inside the bathroom. Her arm snaked out from behind the slightly ajar door, dropping the towel in a heap upon the floor in a very sexy manner. Two saliva puddles formed beneath both evil men as they gawked at the sight, their dirty minds working over time.
'Oh the things that could be going on behind that door right now... And I'm not there, damn.' Sephiroth thought, nose bleeding again and all.
'Ohhh, she's just asking for it later on... Heheheh.' Kain thought while grinning evilly. He turned to Sephiroth and glared at him now. He snapped out of his trance as well and glared back at the newest stranger. Kain glared. Sephiroth glared. Sparks flew between their eyes as the silent battle for Aeris began. "She looks tasty. I think I want to try her so back off."
"A vampire, uh? Well, I don't see your name on her, pal, however I have already branded her (with the scar) so YOU back off!" Sephiroth spat back at him with his arms folded.
"But I see you haven't taken her, I can smell her virginity. So, I think I will, they taste better anyway." Kain replied smugly. Sephiroth went red in the face and said nothing and they went back to glaring at one and other. They continued this until Aeris emerged looking like the sparkling virgin goddess she was. Kain somehow, with his inhuman powers, appeared in front of her kneeling on the floor with her hands in his. "Hello, my lady, you are more beautiful than (pie, no jk) the heavens themselves wearing the moon for its pendant and the stars as its cloak. What is the name go by, I assume its beauty fits your face. My name is Kain, I must know yours our it shall vex my heart with the ache of an unknown love."
Aeris blushes violently as he kissed the top of her hand and giggled. "My name's Aeris and this is my house. That's Sephiroth."
"Ah, so angels do have names! And a lovely abode as well." Kain threw out romantic words at her as Sephiroth rolled his eyes, Aeris couldn't help but blush.
"Let me guess, you were teleported here and you don't know how to get back, am I right?" Aeris said as she pulled her hands out of his with a smile.
"What rapture! A woman with beauty and intelligence, what a find I have made." Kain said in response. "Yes, that is how I came to be here. And it was through that door I that entered your dwelling. May I ask if I am still in the city of Meridian."
"So sorry soldier, this city's Midgar. There is no place on this planet called Meridian, nor is there a Terra, Gaia, or Mirkwood!" Sephiroth said hastily. "SO if you don't mind, you can, like, leave or something."
"Sephy! Don't be so rude, he can stay like the others." Aeris turned to Sephiroth and frowned and put her hand on her hips, Kain silently snickered at him for him to see that he wasn't winning. She smiled again and turned back to Kain who went back to giving her sweet looks. "Two others popped here and are downstairs with my friends, you can join them."
Kain bowed to her and left to downstairs. Sephiroth shook Aeris by her shoulders in panic. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE! Do you know that he's a vampire? You can't trust him! How many guys did you wish for?"
"He's a vampire? Cool... I only wished for one! I don't know why there are three!" Aeris said pushing him off. She rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "Hey, three's better than one! Much more possibilities..." Sephiroth's jaw went limp in utter shock. He straitened back up again and smirked.
"Well, I bet I can make you change your mind about that!" He said and ripped off his shirt revealing a masculine chest and began to advance her slyly. Aeris put her hands out in front of him, trying to signal him to stop while smiling nervously.
"Sephiroth, just because you saw me naked, doesn't mean you have to return the favor (well, at least not yet)... Don't EVEN think about it!" Aeris said frowning at the little distance between them. He attempted to grab her in his arms but she sidestepped easily and ran to the side of her bed giggling. "I mean it! You better knock it off right now!"
"Haha! I don't think so." Sephiroth said in an attempt to pounce upon her yet failed because she had leapt out of his reach onto her bed. She tried to shuffle off to the other side but he grabbed her by the ankle and dragged her back to him. He began to tickle her madly.
"QHIT IT, HAHAHAHAH!!!!! SEPHY!! HEHEHEHAAHAHA!!" Aeris could barely breath because laughter overran her body as Sephiroth continued to tickle her frantically. Aeris was turning blue from laughter until Sephiroth gave her a break and she inhaled furiously. Aeris bopped him on the head playfully with her piko hammer and went over to her closet again. She rummaged through the shelf on the wall and came back over to Sephiroth with his black Shinra military uniform he had always worn in her arms. She smiled and held it out to him. "Well, since you ruined that out fit, here's your old uniform for you to wear. I even took the time to make some changes to it."
"You changed it?! WHY! It was just fine the wa- COOL!!!!!" Sephiroth's eyes widened in amazement and tore off his pants (HELLO!) and began putting it on. (thus the Kingdom Hearts Sephiroth is born! It's the nifty costume he wears in Kingdom Hearts if you don't know already.) Aeris' smile was widened with pride. "NIFTY!"
"You're welcome." Aeris stated meekly expecting an expression of thanks. No reply, Sephiroth was running around in circles and flailing his arms about like a really stupid bird. Aeris tried again. "You're WELCOME." Still no reply, Sephiroth was squealing in joy though. Aeris' aura grew red with rage. She hurled the piko hammer at him, hitting him square in the face and causing him to fall down. "I SAID 'YOU'RE WELCOME!'"
"GOD DAMN *$#&ING THANK YOU!!!!!" Sephiroth screamed at her as he got up from the floor. They started pushing one an other as they headed back downstairs. When they got down stairs they were shock to find the living room torn up and Cid, Vincent and Kain fighting. Kuja and Legolas sat on the couch, still drinking tea. Aeris let out a fatigued sigh and came down the rest of the stairs.
"This is ganna be a long night..." She muttered to herself as she went over to beat all three men.
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Author: YES! NO MORE COWS!!!!!!!! Sorry if this one was a little lame but I just didn't have enough enthusiasm. My cat's staring at me too. I have nothing more to say, goodnight. (goes out cold)
Vincent: Hey, what about us?
Kuja: Yeah! And how come Legolas and I weren't in this one much?
Kain: because you suck.
Legolas: We, well, I don't suck! I don't know about Kuja, but I sure as hell don't suck anything!
Sephiroth: I SAW AERIS/AUTHOR NAKED!!!!!! OH YEAH!
Kain: I saw her in her undies. Hehehe.
Dante: HA! That's nothing, we did it ... and on the coffee table too!
Kain, Sephiroth: O.o You're lying!
Dante: Noooooooooope.
Author: (wakes up with a string of drool trailing from her mouth) NO I DIDN'T KILL THE LEPERCHAUN!!!!!! Oh, where am I? Uh, hi everyone. Gawd, do I need to sleep.
Link: I want a luffa and a spoon!
Author: That is lovely, Link.
Kain: Aeris/Author? Did you and Dante do it on the coffee table?!
Author: ??!!??!!??!!??
Sephiroth: Welllllllll?
Author: Hell no! Where'd you get that bull shi- ... DANTE!!!!!!!!
Dante: uh, oh... (runs like hell)
Author: HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU TO STOP TELLING PEOPLE YOUR WET DREAMS?!?!?!? (follows like hell, with a butcher knife. WARNING! Freddy vs. Jason spoilers so don't read if you don't want to ruin the movie. Not that you'd ruin much.)
Vincent: Well, I'd like to say I saw Freddy vs. Jason the other day.
Sephiroth: Really? Blood spray is awesome man! Like at the beginning where Jason stabbed the shit outa that guy and then snapped the bed in half! Damn, that was cool!
Kain: OH! OH! And that part where like where they were all partying and crap and Jason just slashed all them mother #%$^ers up and crap. (Dante runs by screaming like a little girl as Aeris/Author chases him with the butcher knife still)
Vincent: Yeah! And they were all like high and making fun of him and crap and he twisted that guys head around, that was damn funny!
Sephiroth, Kain, and Vincent: (laughing at the stupidity of it)
Legolas: this is like a bad nightmare. And I can't get out.
Kuja: Because... (Pulls off his face to reveal Freddy) I'm ganna get you.
Legolas: (Screams and runs away)
Kuja: (Pulls off the Freddy mask and it's just Kuja) Heheheh, Sucker!
Link: TOILET PAPER! MUST GET INTO FANFIC! THE COUCOUS OF THE APPOCOLYPSE! THEY ARE HERE WITH THE PEANUT BUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs around in circles screaming random things and pulling at his hair)
Dante: (runs into camera and puts his face into it) HELP ME!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP ME!!!!!!
Author: (stabs Dante's ass and then notices the camera) Oh, um, hello out there. I'd like to announce that my friend, you know, the escaped convict. Elisha is her name. She too is writing a fan fic and it's about Rikku and Auron from Final Fantasy X and baby-sitting. And it's funny so far. SO GO LOOK FOR IT! I don't know what It's called, it hasn't been posted yet. But still, keep an eye out for it. I'll tell you the tittle once I get it from my friend, ok? OK! Hope you all have a goodnight, except you people that don't review. You, my nonreveiwers, shall suffer one of the most horrible fates ever dealt to man.. You will be stabbed in your sleep with one of my pointy knives that burns with a thousand evils which will probably break off into you spine because of the ample number of times you inflict a stab wound in the back. Have a pleasant sleep, before I come for you of course. And for you that review, I thank you. I need five more reviews here! Link is going mad! He's foaming at the mouth now! If you have any decency in your souls, you will help him by submitting a review! YOU MUST! Or I'll come for you...
Sephiroth: LEMON!
Author: Oh, and the questions for today, there are... Two. First one is from Jamie
Jamie: holy sh^t girl, I was crying this fic is so darn funny.. Oh I gots one question for ya, does Vince know about a drug called Zoloft? Caz I think he needs it for that horrible depression he's got going on in this fic.
Author: Well I'll let Vincent ask that... Vinny! (Vincent is still talking with Kain and Sephiroth) VINCENT! Get over here please. (Vincent walks over to Author/Aeris with his depressed face darkened with distress) Have you ever heard of Zoloft?
Vincent: Er... No. Why? (a happy looking ball with a face bounces into view holding several bottles of Zoloft, it stares at Vincent, Vincent stares back) ....?
Happy Ball: Do you often have sex? Are you pregnant? Do you care if you get amnesia for about an hour? Do you often drink?
Vincent: (shook his head to all of the questions)
Happy Ball: Then would you care for some candy, Mister Vincent? (holds out a handfull of Zoloft pills)
Vincent: Sure, thanks. (Downs all the pills) ...! Mmmmm! That was tasty! Thank you little happy ball! Why, I feel, I feel...! HAPPY! Oh what have I been doing, sulking in times past?! GUYS! LET'S ALL GET ICE CREAM AND GO TO THE CIRCUS!!!
Sephiroth, Kain and Dante (who recovered quickly): What the hell?!
Kuja: Why that sounds like fun!
Legolas: Yes, let's go to the circus!
Vincent: (squeals in joy and grabs Legolas' and Kuja's hand and they skip away into the sunset)
Author: .... And there you have it. Undeniable proof that Vincent will one day come and smite us all, Smite us I say! (looks around paranoidly) They just can't see it! Are they blind? Blind as a Marlboro if you ask me! Oh, I'll make them see it! They call me crazy! But I'm the only one who's NOT crazy! NOT CRAZY- SMACK! (is slapped by Sephiroth) Thank you Sephiroth, I lost control. Hey, lets finish the questions! (Sephiroth nodded in agreement) OKAY! Our second, and last question is this... It's from holy_Queenofall19
holy_Queenofall19: I have a question for Sephiroth: Why don't you commit suicide? It's better to die now and end your misery?
Sephiroth: Hmmmmm, well I don't think suicides cool, I have to much pride for that. I will die fighting, that's the way of the warrior. But since I'm against Aeris, I can see the possibilities there. (Grabs his Masamune and is about to awkwardly impale himself when Author/Aeris shakes her head)
Author: Well in that case, Sephy, I guess I'll have to have the lemony goodness with one of the other guys. Well, not Vincent, he'll just have sexual side effects from all the Zoloft.
Sephiroth: Huh?! WHAT?! LEMON?!?!?! ME WANT LEMON!
Author: you can't have lemon when you're dead, love, so.. Kain! I summon you to my private chambers!
Kain: Sweet!
Sephiroth: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Okay, no suicide, I'll just do nothing.
Author: Okay! That's all. Kain, let go of me, NO LEMON FOR YOU KAIN! (slaps away his hands as he attempts to drag her into her bedroom)
Kain: Awwww, (*%&!!!!!!
Sephiroth: But what about MY lemon?!
Author: Patients is a virtue, love. (Pats him on the head) So long people! I'm off to make coffee. If people hate me, then why do they read my stuff? I don't understand people sometimes...
Quote of the week: (To Vincent) I have no clue why I stole you from that woman but mate with these people and I will give you dollar. - SirLief
Vincent: You know, I am quiet and twisted and dark because of that alone...
Link: We're the Shroom Fairies. You build it. We'll make a circle around it. And dance.
Author: Link went a bit insane from the wait to come into the fic, my gods, and the poor chickens.
Link: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! (Runs around insanely with as many chickens that can be stuffed in his tunic)
Kain: KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! (Runs after him with his Soul Reaver)
Sephiroth: Shut up! Both of you! Or there will be hell to pay. And you can tell those Shroom Fairies to go to hell!
Legolas: They're not listening.
Vincent: Oh, he'll make them listen.
Several minutes later...
Vincent: (looks at the badly beaten bodies of Link and Kain) I told you...
Sephiroth: (quickly tried to get rid of a large steel pipe he happened to be holding, then runs off)
Dante: Hey, where'd Aeris/Author go. And where'd Sephiroth go...?! Lucky bastard...
Kuja: Even I'm jealous.
Dante: Why the hell would you be jealous? You're gay.
Kuja: I am not! I just have more fashion sense than all of you!
Dante: Well you can go wax your ass because I don't give a damn.
Link: (still dazed) When I grow up I want to be a cherry pie!
Author: (pops up out of no where) I know Link, I know... I'm ganna have to change this to rated R, I just know it... Well anyways folks, I know some of you wanted the 'love in unusual places' updated, but I haven't gotten around to it. No, I lied. I've been having too many ideas for 'Aeris' birthday gone wild'. I'm sorry. Hook me up for any ideas for the 'love in unusual places'; I pretty much have the plot worked out, it's just I'm bored with it. Give me something that will inspire me.
Sephiroth: So I get to have lemons with Aeris/you in this, right? LEMON!
Vincent: ... (Silently cheering for the lemon in his twisted little mind)
All the Guys: LEMON!!!
Author: pthbbb.. Men! This is why I'm not a people person. AHHHH! (The guys all dog pile on her)
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Four hundred years after the nobleman Kain Was cursed to walk the night as a vampire And centuries before Kain would rule the Wasteland of Nosgoth with his lieutenant Raziel His path of conquest is stopped by a new enemy The pillars of Nosgoth lie in ruin Vampires roam the land once again And the legacy of Kain continues (dum dum dummmmm! heheheh. Sorry.)
The body of the former nobleman, Kain, lay upon a bed in a semi dark room. Only a candle threw light into the darkness. The 'strong' vampire began to stir in his sleep, all the while snoring. He mumbles in his sleep, ".... Mmmm, bunnies... nnumoomoo, KEABLER ELVES! Unnnchhh..." But soon, he began to awaken, after two hundred years.
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Author: So sorry to interrupt, I'd just like to say that I am up and its three A.M. and my window is stuck open and I'M HEARING GOD DAMNED COWS MOOING!!!!!!!! THEY WON'T SHUT UP!!!!!!!! I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! THE HORROR OF LOSING MY OWN SANITY!!! I FEEL LIKE GOING OUT THERE AND EMPTYING SEVERAL ROUNDS OF AMUNITION INTO THOSE BASTARDS!!!!! But that would go against my code of ethics, since I'm a vegetarian. Yeah, I'm a vegetarian. And for reasons I won't state now, I might add. So please, just hug whatever is closest to you right now; your cat, your computer, maybe your extensive Manga collection of Lupon the third... because I have a gun in my hands right now and I just don't know what to do with it. Thank you for your time. Enjoy the rest of this chapter. - Aeris
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Like many of us, he first begins his awakening with mumbling useless crap through our mind. 'From the shards of tattered dreams I rose, unwilling. Tossed upon tides of pain that flowed and ebbed and left me searingly awake and more revoltingly... alive. It was then I realized for the first time I had the LARGEST F*%$ING HANGOVER EVER THOUGHT TO OF HAD IN EONS!!!' He grasped his head in pain as he slowly sat up, and keeping his balance as well. He turned towards the entrance of the room and saw a scantly clad woman leaning up against the doorframe.
"Good evening. We did not expect you to awaken so soon. Already you surprise us." The woman said with a grin, Kain had to squint at her to determine what she was.
'My mind was in fragments, like I just got totally wasted' Kain notified her right away. "Crap, so are you a hooker I brought back here and forgot to pay? Because I think I was drunk and I don't have any money. Where am I? I.. I Don't remember..."
The woman got really mad at his words. "Yes, it was said your memory would be affected by your long slumber after fainting from practically drinking a ton of Everclear and blood. That will pass, in time, lots of time. But I'm not a damn whore, I am Umah and I am here to help you. Know that your name is Kain and you were once a power in the land." Kain rose from his bed onto his feet, though it was hell for him to stable himself; everything was still dizzy for him.
"God Damn it! By now you should be sober enough to kick some Sarafan ass! Quit &#%#ing around and listen! Do you know your nature?" Umah was now flustered beyond repair.
"OH! I know this one! Uhhhh, BUNNIES! And Uhh, muffins." Kain said poking at the air. Umah slapped him.
"BLOOD! You idiot! Blood, carnage, death, destruction, and chaos, ECT." Umah yelled at him. Kain just stared at her for several minutes while she glared back.
Finally he reached up and groped her breasts. "Are these real?" Before he knew it, Umah was beating him over the head with a chair from close by. She left his beaten body and slammed the door.
Several days later.
Kain awoke in the same room, unaware of what he had committed before his second sleep. The only thing that filled his mind was 'Blood, carnage, death, destruction, and chaos, ECT!' They kept going through his head, over and over like a broken record. But he didn't care, he was hungry and he knew blood was his only food. He smiled, showing off his sharp canine teeth, at that word; blood. He picked himself off the floor and walked over to a curtain-drawn window and looked out the window. It was night in a city of sorts. Meridian was the city's name. Well, that was good enough for him. He couldn't care less how or when he got there or even why he was there. He just wanted to drain the fluids out of the closest thing alive.
He reach for the door handle and flipped open the door to find no slums of a city but a strange room with larger bed than the one in his room and much more material possessions along the wall or on the floor. It seemed to be the bedroom of a woman, not a very casual woman either. Kain decided that the only way of getting out of the bedroom he was in was to go into and then out of this one. So he stepped in and looked around some more. The door shut behind him, causing him to spin around in surprise and open it again. But instead of the room he was in, it was a different room with marble fixtures and a marble tub; a really nice bathroom in other words. This baffled him beyond comprehension as he opened and closed the door repeatedly to see if it would go back to the former room he cam from. There was a door to the right of the bathroom so he decided to try that one instead. Yet it was only a closet.
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Author: again, I must intrude. A wise saying must be put in here at this moment.
"She turned me into a newt," a villager said. "A newt?" There was a slight hesitation from the villager before he said, "Well, I got better." "Burn her anyway!" cried the villagers.
Author: Now that I got that out of my system, I shall continue... Oh, and there will be a bit of fluff stuff down here so be warned!
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Kain didn't have much time to contemplate what was going on much longer when he heard voices approaching the third half open door across the room that led into a hall. He could tell it was the voice of a female and quickly hid in the closet and left it open slightly so he could see his next victim.
A woman in pink stormed into the room muttering curses under her breath as she went over to her mirror on her wall. There was a nasty stain from a dark liquid, presumably from a drink she had spilled upon herself. Kain was trying to decide when to attack and drink her blood until she began to undress. He watched tentatively as she carefully undid each button from top to bottom on her pink apparel and slid it off of her shoulders and onto the floor, revealing a slender beautiful frame, curving at just the right place that began to excite Kain. He began to reconsider killing her for food and trying something else he had in mind. (You KNOW what I'm talking about)
Five Minutes Earlier...
Kuja was sitting on the sofa drinking tea next to Aeris and Legolas while the three other men were too busy playing poker. Aeris, who was between the two new strangers, watched the boys play as they drank beer. She herself and Legolas also had tea while they sat on the coach, silently. Cid was conversing with Sephiroth and somehow, they got Vincent to drink beer. Cid turned around in his chair to Kuja.
"Hey you little fag! Do you wanna *(%$ing play?" Cid scoffed making Kuja frown.
"Guys. don't start again." Aeris warned.
"I told you, ignorant human, that I do not know your childish card tricks!" Kuja sneered back.
"Your such a damn pussy! Get over here and I might $%^&ing teach you!" Cid yelled as he picked up a pillow and flung it at him, forgetting he was holding a cup of tea, which ended up onto Aeris' dress. Aeris' mouth hung in sheer disbelief as she stared at her now stained dress, the tea also soaked in and wet Aeris' skin uncomfortably. Everyone went silent and stared at Aeris' dress.
"CID! DAMN IT! I just had this cleaned too! I TOLD YOU TO SETTLE DOWN, DIDN'T I?!" Aeris fumed as she got off the couch and glared at him. She marched over towards the stairs and stopped.
"Oh my." Kuja muttered.
"I want you all to behave! And I mean it! Someone clean up that mess while I take shower!" Aeris ranted before heading up the stairs. Once she was out of sight Cid got a towel and looked at Kuja and then Legolas.
"What the hell are you looking at?! Drink your god damned tea!" He swaggered before cleaning up the tea.
Sephiroth took this opportunity to sneak upstairs towards Aeris' room. No one but Vincent noticed his absence. Vincent could see him with the bouquet of flowers he had picked for her earlier as he slipped upstairs slyly.
Meanwhile, Upstairs..
"I swear they act like five year olds!" Aeris mumbled as she slid off her dress and laid it upon her bed. She walked back over to her dresser and stared at herself in the mirror as she removed her jewelry and hair ties. Her chestnut hair tumbled down her back, wavy from being in a braid all day. She stared at her frown in the mirror, creating a sigh of weariness. She took several calming breaths before humming a soft melody. She grabbed a towel and headed to her bathroom. Aeris however, forgot to close the door before continuing to dress down for her shower.
In the Closet..
Kain watched as the woman approached his hiding place before grabbing a towel. His black heart raced with pure excitement as the beautiful woman, adorned in only her underwear and bra, made her way into the room he formally came from. He could hear water flow from the room that had the marble tub, he cringed at the remembrance of what water did to his kind; it was like acid to vampires. He was about to open the closet fully until he saw a tall man stick his head in nervously. The male looked quite similar to himself; he had long flaxen hair like his with one exception, he had bangs. He too was quite strong looking. The only thing different besides the bangs was his eyes and skin tone, unlike the vampires; the man had emerald eyes and darker skin. He was holding flowers in one hand.
Sephiroth walked in prudently, making sure Aeris was not in sight, and walked over to her neatly made queen sized bed. He noted the dress she had worn with the stain from earlier. He could hear that the water was running in the bathroom, and steam floating out of the half-opened doorway. He placed the flowers on her dress and turned to leave yet began to hear an alluring song that you would think could only be heard from a siren. It was harmonious and gentle to the ears, causing Sephiroth to unconsciously step towards the bathroom with every note he heard. Curiosity struck him as he wondered what has always under that elegant gentle pink dress of hers. His heart was pounding as if it were to protrude out of his chest and he gulped down the lump in his throat as he watered at the mouth. Her singing deluded his position and he couldn't care less.
He peered slowly about the door and stared towards the bathtub Aeris stood in, cleansing her body gingerly, unaware of his presence. Only a semi transparent curtain was the only thing that blocked Sephiroth's view. He did not care, the form that he could see through the curtain gave him a good enough idea on how her body was... Sephiroth grinned naughtily.
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Elisha: PERVERT!!! Hmm, when does Vincent take a shower?
Author: Hey where the hell did you come from, I'm writing here!
Vincent: Well, I feel dirty. I'm off to take a shower. (Walks away, Elisha follows)
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Aeris turned the knob and the water ceased to flow from the showerhead. Without any thought on her mind but a tune dancing on her lips, she pushed the shower curtain aside and went for her towel. Sephiroth's jaw dropped as his nose began to bleed like no tomorrow. Aside from her exquisite assets that water was dripping from, he noticed something upon her figure that made his heart sink in guilt as she dried off. He could see in full view, the scar from the puncture wound left by his Masamune. It rested right under and between her breasts. Sephiroth speculated if she thought of day when he had killed her every time she undressed. He unconsciously let out a sigh of culpability, alarming Aeris in the process. Realizing he just gave away his position by the shriek she let out, Sephiroth turned in preparation of running like hell.
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Aeris regained herself as he turned to flee. Sephiroth stopped and hung his head as Aeris hurriedly covered herself with her towel before approaching him. Her face was tinged scarlet and Sephiroth could understand why. Aeris' facial expression was torn between rage and shock as she looked up at him. Sephiroth was honestly scared by what would happen next. Aeris slapped him twice, leaving a handprint on both of his cheeks. "You were, were, watching me?! You are sicker than I imagined!"
Even though Aeris began giving him an earful, he just couldn't focus on anything but the scar. He had caused a lot of pain to her and hadn't taken heed of any of it. While Aeris kept raving about how vile he was, he placed his hand on the towel over the scar and just stared. Aeris went silent when he did this and looked at his hand for a few seconds until she realized that he was trying to signify the mark of her death by the same hands. Aeris' face softened and she looked up into the formal general's usually stern face to find it vexed with untold feelings. She sighed and smiled gently as she pulled his hand away from her abdomen and wrapped her arms around his middle. Sephiroth was in complete shock at her embrace but gained enough courage to return it, he could tell that she knew he was sorry. They stood holding each other silently, Sephiroth rested his chin on her head and traced up and down her spine with his index finger as Aeris played with the police badge on his costume, all the while giggling. (Yes! He is STILL wearing it!)
'He's getting much better and much friendlier. At this rate he'll be able to leave here without me worrying about him maiming anything.' Aeris thought. She felt strange being held in the arms of her killer but she excused the irony of it all and enjoyed his friendly hug. A minute later and she broke from his grasp and looked at him with a kind smile. "NOW's the time for an apology for your intrusion, Sephiroth."
"Wouldn't you realize by now that I'm not the kind of guy that apologize?" He turned away stubbornly with a grin of mischief. Aeris pulled out a piko hammer (you know, those funny lookin' hammers in mangas) from no where and bonked him on the head. He clutched the new bump on his head and yelped out an ouch. Aeris tossed the piko hammer over her shoulder and poked his chest.
"Come on! I mean it. I'd really appreciate if you would apologize for everything and mean it. Please?" Aeris said with puppy dog eyes before patting the area where her scar was. "And I do mean everything. I want to actually hear that you say that you're sorry."
"Hmmph! Fine! Aeris, I am truly sorry for all the grief I have put on your shoulders, I'm sorry for hurting you. Please forgive me." Sephiroth said reluctantly but glad to get it off his chest. Aeris smiled and nodded.
"See? It wasn't too hard. You're making a lot of progress, Sephy." Aeris chirped as she patted his cheek. "Now get out so I can put on my clo-.." Aeris stopped as she looked over her shoulder at the closet to their right. She had remembered that she had definitely closed it. Sephiroth took notice of the place she was gazing at. Aeris shrugged it off and was about to go back to what she was saying until Sephiroth placed a finger on his lips to silence her. He focused his energy into his senses and could sense an aura from the closet, and wondered why he didn't feel it sooner. It felt strong.
In the closet (where I usually spend MY days in. Thus, the fluff has ceased. For now, heheheh!)...
The talking stopped and Kain couldn't see what was happening but he could sense that they felt his presence in the room. He could hear the footsteps of the man approach, though quiet as they were because of the carpet. The muscles in Kain's body tensed as he prepared to attack at the necessary moment. His mind screamed at him, 'KILL!' The door opened and he froze in surprise at who it was.
Aeris, while still in her towel, reached in ignoring the shocked vampire and grabbed one of the many identical pink dresses, a pair of underwear that Kain had sniffed earlier, and a bra and turned back to the bathroom. Kain stepped out of the closet only to meet Sephiroth's angry glare.
"So, whoever you are, you were spying on Aeris! And in the closet! Pervert." Sephiroth said to him once Aeris closed the bathroom door.
"Hey! You hypocrite! You were too!" Aeris' voice called out from inside the bathroom. Her arm snaked out from behind the slightly ajar door, dropping the towel in a heap upon the floor in a very sexy manner. Two saliva puddles formed beneath both evil men as they gawked at the sight, their dirty minds working over time.
'Oh the things that could be going on behind that door right now... And I'm not there, damn.' Sephiroth thought, nose bleeding again and all.
'Ohhh, she's just asking for it later on... Heheheh.' Kain thought while grinning evilly. He turned to Sephiroth and glared at him now. He snapped out of his trance as well and glared back at the newest stranger. Kain glared. Sephiroth glared. Sparks flew between their eyes as the silent battle for Aeris began. "She looks tasty. I think I want to try her so back off."
"A vampire, uh? Well, I don't see your name on her, pal, however I have already branded her (with the scar) so YOU back off!" Sephiroth spat back at him with his arms folded.
"But I see you haven't taken her, I can smell her virginity. So, I think I will, they taste better anyway." Kain replied smugly. Sephiroth went red in the face and said nothing and they went back to glaring at one and other. They continued this until Aeris emerged looking like the sparkling virgin goddess she was. Kain somehow, with his inhuman powers, appeared in front of her kneeling on the floor with her hands in his. "Hello, my lady, you are more beautiful than (pie, no jk) the heavens themselves wearing the moon for its pendant and the stars as its cloak. What is the name go by, I assume its beauty fits your face. My name is Kain, I must know yours our it shall vex my heart with the ache of an unknown love."
Aeris blushes violently as he kissed the top of her hand and giggled. "My name's Aeris and this is my house. That's Sephiroth."
"Ah, so angels do have names! And a lovely abode as well." Kain threw out romantic words at her as Sephiroth rolled his eyes, Aeris couldn't help but blush.
"Let me guess, you were teleported here and you don't know how to get back, am I right?" Aeris said as she pulled her hands out of his with a smile.
"What rapture! A woman with beauty and intelligence, what a find I have made." Kain said in response. "Yes, that is how I came to be here. And it was through that door I that entered your dwelling. May I ask if I am still in the city of Meridian."
"So sorry soldier, this city's Midgar. There is no place on this planet called Meridian, nor is there a Terra, Gaia, or Mirkwood!" Sephiroth said hastily. "SO if you don't mind, you can, like, leave or something."
"Sephy! Don't be so rude, he can stay like the others." Aeris turned to Sephiroth and frowned and put her hand on her hips, Kain silently snickered at him for him to see that he wasn't winning. She smiled again and turned back to Kain who went back to giving her sweet looks. "Two others popped here and are downstairs with my friends, you can join them."
Kain bowed to her and left to downstairs. Sephiroth shook Aeris by her shoulders in panic. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE! Do you know that he's a vampire? You can't trust him! How many guys did you wish for?"
"He's a vampire? Cool... I only wished for one! I don't know why there are three!" Aeris said pushing him off. She rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "Hey, three's better than one! Much more possibilities..." Sephiroth's jaw went limp in utter shock. He straitened back up again and smirked.
"Well, I bet I can make you change your mind about that!" He said and ripped off his shirt revealing a masculine chest and began to advance her slyly. Aeris put her hands out in front of him, trying to signal him to stop while smiling nervously.
"Sephiroth, just because you saw me naked, doesn't mean you have to return the favor (well, at least not yet)... Don't EVEN think about it!" Aeris said frowning at the little distance between them. He attempted to grab her in his arms but she sidestepped easily and ran to the side of her bed giggling. "I mean it! You better knock it off right now!"
"Haha! I don't think so." Sephiroth said in an attempt to pounce upon her yet failed because she had leapt out of his reach onto her bed. She tried to shuffle off to the other side but he grabbed her by the ankle and dragged her back to him. He began to tickle her madly.
"QHIT IT, HAHAHAHAH!!!!! SEPHY!! HEHEHEHAAHAHA!!" Aeris could barely breath because laughter overran her body as Sephiroth continued to tickle her frantically. Aeris was turning blue from laughter until Sephiroth gave her a break and she inhaled furiously. Aeris bopped him on the head playfully with her piko hammer and went over to her closet again. She rummaged through the shelf on the wall and came back over to Sephiroth with his black Shinra military uniform he had always worn in her arms. She smiled and held it out to him. "Well, since you ruined that out fit, here's your old uniform for you to wear. I even took the time to make some changes to it."
"You changed it?! WHY! It was just fine the wa- COOL!!!!!" Sephiroth's eyes widened in amazement and tore off his pants (HELLO!) and began putting it on. (thus the Kingdom Hearts Sephiroth is born! It's the nifty costume he wears in Kingdom Hearts if you don't know already.) Aeris' smile was widened with pride. "NIFTY!"
"You're welcome." Aeris stated meekly expecting an expression of thanks. No reply, Sephiroth was running around in circles and flailing his arms about like a really stupid bird. Aeris tried again. "You're WELCOME." Still no reply, Sephiroth was squealing in joy though. Aeris' aura grew red with rage. She hurled the piko hammer at him, hitting him square in the face and causing him to fall down. "I SAID 'YOU'RE WELCOME!'"
"GOD DAMN *$#&ING THANK YOU!!!!!" Sephiroth screamed at her as he got up from the floor. They started pushing one an other as they headed back downstairs. When they got down stairs they were shock to find the living room torn up and Cid, Vincent and Kain fighting. Kuja and Legolas sat on the couch, still drinking tea. Aeris let out a fatigued sigh and came down the rest of the stairs.
"This is ganna be a long night..." She muttered to herself as she went over to beat all three men.
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Author: YES! NO MORE COWS!!!!!!!! Sorry if this one was a little lame but I just didn't have enough enthusiasm. My cat's staring at me too. I have nothing more to say, goodnight. (goes out cold)
Vincent: Hey, what about us?
Kuja: Yeah! And how come Legolas and I weren't in this one much?
Kain: because you suck.
Legolas: We, well, I don't suck! I don't know about Kuja, but I sure as hell don't suck anything!
Sephiroth: I SAW AERIS/AUTHOR NAKED!!!!!! OH YEAH!
Kain: I saw her in her undies. Hehehe.
Dante: HA! That's nothing, we did it ... and on the coffee table too!
Kain, Sephiroth: O.o You're lying!
Dante: Noooooooooope.
Author: (wakes up with a string of drool trailing from her mouth) NO I DIDN'T KILL THE LEPERCHAUN!!!!!! Oh, where am I? Uh, hi everyone. Gawd, do I need to sleep.
Link: I want a luffa and a spoon!
Author: That is lovely, Link.
Kain: Aeris/Author? Did you and Dante do it on the coffee table?!
Author: ??!!??!!??!!??
Sephiroth: Welllllllll?
Author: Hell no! Where'd you get that bull shi- ... DANTE!!!!!!!!
Dante: uh, oh... (runs like hell)
Author: HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU TO STOP TELLING PEOPLE YOUR WET DREAMS?!?!?!? (follows like hell, with a butcher knife. WARNING! Freddy vs. Jason spoilers so don't read if you don't want to ruin the movie. Not that you'd ruin much.)
Vincent: Well, I'd like to say I saw Freddy vs. Jason the other day.
Sephiroth: Really? Blood spray is awesome man! Like at the beginning where Jason stabbed the shit outa that guy and then snapped the bed in half! Damn, that was cool!
Kain: OH! OH! And that part where like where they were all partying and crap and Jason just slashed all them mother #%$^ers up and crap. (Dante runs by screaming like a little girl as Aeris/Author chases him with the butcher knife still)
Vincent: Yeah! And they were all like high and making fun of him and crap and he twisted that guys head around, that was damn funny!
Sephiroth, Kain, and Vincent: (laughing at the stupidity of it)
Legolas: this is like a bad nightmare. And I can't get out.
Kuja: Because... (Pulls off his face to reveal Freddy) I'm ganna get you.
Legolas: (Screams and runs away)
Kuja: (Pulls off the Freddy mask and it's just Kuja) Heheheh, Sucker!
Link: TOILET PAPER! MUST GET INTO FANFIC! THE COUCOUS OF THE APPOCOLYPSE! THEY ARE HERE WITH THE PEANUT BUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs around in circles screaming random things and pulling at his hair)
Dante: (runs into camera and puts his face into it) HELP ME!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP ME!!!!!!
Author: (stabs Dante's ass and then notices the camera) Oh, um, hello out there. I'd like to announce that my friend, you know, the escaped convict. Elisha is her name. She too is writing a fan fic and it's about Rikku and Auron from Final Fantasy X and baby-sitting. And it's funny so far. SO GO LOOK FOR IT! I don't know what It's called, it hasn't been posted yet. But still, keep an eye out for it. I'll tell you the tittle once I get it from my friend, ok? OK! Hope you all have a goodnight, except you people that don't review. You, my nonreveiwers, shall suffer one of the most horrible fates ever dealt to man.. You will be stabbed in your sleep with one of my pointy knives that burns with a thousand evils which will probably break off into you spine because of the ample number of times you inflict a stab wound in the back. Have a pleasant sleep, before I come for you of course. And for you that review, I thank you. I need five more reviews here! Link is going mad! He's foaming at the mouth now! If you have any decency in your souls, you will help him by submitting a review! YOU MUST! Or I'll come for you...
Sephiroth: LEMON!
Author: Oh, and the questions for today, there are... Two. First one is from Jamie
Jamie: holy sh^t girl, I was crying this fic is so darn funny.. Oh I gots one question for ya, does Vince know about a drug called Zoloft? Caz I think he needs it for that horrible depression he's got going on in this fic.
Author: Well I'll let Vincent ask that... Vinny! (Vincent is still talking with Kain and Sephiroth) VINCENT! Get over here please. (Vincent walks over to Author/Aeris with his depressed face darkened with distress) Have you ever heard of Zoloft?
Vincent: Er... No. Why? (a happy looking ball with a face bounces into view holding several bottles of Zoloft, it stares at Vincent, Vincent stares back) ....?
Happy Ball: Do you often have sex? Are you pregnant? Do you care if you get amnesia for about an hour? Do you often drink?
Vincent: (shook his head to all of the questions)
Happy Ball: Then would you care for some candy, Mister Vincent? (holds out a handfull of Zoloft pills)
Vincent: Sure, thanks. (Downs all the pills) ...! Mmmmm! That was tasty! Thank you little happy ball! Why, I feel, I feel...! HAPPY! Oh what have I been doing, sulking in times past?! GUYS! LET'S ALL GET ICE CREAM AND GO TO THE CIRCUS!!!
Sephiroth, Kain and Dante (who recovered quickly): What the hell?!
Kuja: Why that sounds like fun!
Legolas: Yes, let's go to the circus!
Vincent: (squeals in joy and grabs Legolas' and Kuja's hand and they skip away into the sunset)
Author: .... And there you have it. Undeniable proof that Vincent will one day come and smite us all, Smite us I say! (looks around paranoidly) They just can't see it! Are they blind? Blind as a Marlboro if you ask me! Oh, I'll make them see it! They call me crazy! But I'm the only one who's NOT crazy! NOT CRAZY- SMACK! (is slapped by Sephiroth) Thank you Sephiroth, I lost control. Hey, lets finish the questions! (Sephiroth nodded in agreement) OKAY! Our second, and last question is this... It's from holy_Queenofall19
holy_Queenofall19: I have a question for Sephiroth: Why don't you commit suicide? It's better to die now and end your misery?
Sephiroth: Hmmmmm, well I don't think suicides cool, I have to much pride for that. I will die fighting, that's the way of the warrior. But since I'm against Aeris, I can see the possibilities there. (Grabs his Masamune and is about to awkwardly impale himself when Author/Aeris shakes her head)
Author: Well in that case, Sephy, I guess I'll have to have the lemony goodness with one of the other guys. Well, not Vincent, he'll just have sexual side effects from all the Zoloft.
Sephiroth: Huh?! WHAT?! LEMON?!?!?! ME WANT LEMON!
Author: you can't have lemon when you're dead, love, so.. Kain! I summon you to my private chambers!
Kain: Sweet!
Sephiroth: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Okay, no suicide, I'll just do nothing.
Author: Okay! That's all. Kain, let go of me, NO LEMON FOR YOU KAIN! (slaps away his hands as he attempts to drag her into her bedroom)
Kain: Awwww, (*%&!!!!!!
Sephiroth: But what about MY lemon?!
Author: Patients is a virtue, love. (Pats him on the head) So long people! I'm off to make coffee. If people hate me, then why do they read my stuff? I don't understand people sometimes...