CHAPTER FIVE
Author: Gawd, we're on chapter five already? How time flies when you are making fun of three eyed squirrels.
Sephiroth: Hi.
Link: NI!
Vincent: Ni?
Kain: Niiiiii.
Dante: Niiiiii!
Kuja: ni.
Legolas: Ni.
Sephiroth: ...
Author: WE ARE THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY NI!
Sephiroth: I found a penny!
Link: I AM THE BRINGER OF THE KEEBLER ELVES! FEAR US AND TREMBLE!!!! We wear green. All that and a bag of chips, baby! MWAHAHAHAHHAH!! (Runs off and gets hit by a rabid moose, which gets eaten by a weird looking tiger machine thingy)
Author: This fic is brought to you by Grandma's Bonified Moose Death Traps. Kills moose dead. Don't worry, they only sell them in Norway. And I must say that I own no one but myself and my cat and the soul of a leprechaun named Nickels. I love sushi.
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Aeris was outside on the roof of her house and did not know why. (I don't even know why she was outside. Oh! Now I do.) She was fed up with all the yelling and needed some fresh air. Night had fallen upon the sky and the stars danced around the crescent moon that hung in the sky through the broken plate above the slums. She let out a sigh of fatigue and gazed at the sky while hugging her legs to her chest. The breeze played with wisps of her hair, throwing it about carelessly. Everything was going weird for her birthday. She had planned to have only her friends and Sephiroth over and now there were three weird strangers: an elf, a cross dressing sorcerer, and a vampire. 'What a birthday.'
Somewhere long, long- well, you know the drill.
A girl with red hair dressed plainly and a girl with blonde hair dressed royally stood in the corner of Lon Lon Ranch staring at the 'kind-hearted' blonde young Hylian up on the barn roof with five chickens strapped to his body. The red-haired girl moaned and the other only stared silently.
"I don't think this is ganna work, Link!" The red head called up to him.
"Don't worry, if I can glide with just one chicken, think of what I can do with five! We could fly around Hyrule with just chickens in the future, Mallon! IT'D BE SO COOL!" Link said with excitement bursting out of him. "Hey! Zelda! Mallon! Watch this!" He signaled to her that he was ready and jumped off the roof. The chickens flapped crazily and begin flying higher. Unfortunately they also began to peck at the rope that held them to Link while he was about fifteen yards in the air. A few more yards and all the rope snapped and the chickens flew away, leaving Link to fall to his death. For a brief few seconds, Link blinked before screaming for dear life as he descended back towards the ground. CRASH! He landed in some spread out hay. He wasn't that stupid, to go and try flying without something to break yours fall. Well, actually it was Mallon's idea since Link thought for sure that nothing could go wrong. Links body was twitching as Zelda and Mallon walked over to him.
" 'Oh! We don't need to put down hay, it's quite safe I'm sure!'.. really Link. Oh, and the chickens, you could have been a bit nicer to them. I don't think slicing them with the Master Sword was the right thing to do." Mallon stated to Link as she saw the chickens gathering.
The flock of chickens that he earlier used for this same project began to gather around Link and then ensued in a frenzy of merciless pecking sprees. Zelda and Mallon watched for a few minutes, screams of agony were hardly muffled by the flock of chickens upon Link, blood and miscellaneous chunks of flesh and bloodstained green clothing were flying every where. It was then that a girl in all green and looked no older than ten, walked up to Zelda and Mallon and watched with them.
"So, he was at it again, wasn't he?" the new girl asked shaking her head in pity.
"Yyyyyyep." Zelda said, she was now eating popcorn as she watched. The screams continued.
"God, this is boring.. Hey! Let's go to Lake Hylia! I heard that the Indigo- Gos were ganna being playing there this weekend!" Mallon said jumping up and down. The flock of chickens lifted leaving a bloody lump of a naked Hylian.
"(Wheeze) Ribs.. broken. Organs... bleeding. (Wheeze) Spleen... still unaccounted for." Link whimpered as he tries to stand up on his own but badly staggers in front of the three girls. They all go wide-eyed as they stare at a naked Link.
"Guess whose going to have nightmares for months now?" Zelda said as she and the other girls turned to leave nervously.
Navi, who had been off dating some guy fairy, was flying by with her boyfriend until they noticed the naked half-dead Link laying in a bloody mess in hay. She flew over to him and bounced up and down in the air shouting "Hey! Look! Hey!" over and over again. Now you can understand why The Legend of Zelda has strongly influenced terrorist groups and teenage suicidals since 1989. Navi was apparently going out with Teal. Don't ask how they hooked up, who knows. But what I do know is this, Teal didn't want to stare at Link's nude bloody body so he beamed clothes onto him... With magic! Sparkly, Sparkly!
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(CNN music begins) Author: This just in! We bring you a live update. My friend Elisha has came up with a tittle for her fic! It will be called "Raising Tidus". But before everyone can view it, she has to remember her password to Fanfiction.com. Now back to our paid programming. (Throws buckets of cheese at the audience as well as luffas and animal crackers)
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"Well, hell, I might as well heal him too." Teal said and summoned some fairy chicks to dance around him madly in a circle until Link's health was fully restored and he was back on his feet.
"Why thank you, my little fairy friends. Did you know that Pikachu says 'Pika, Pika' which means 'sparkly, sparkly' in Japanese?" Link said a bit dazed and wobbling as he walked away. He sharply turned back around and looked at the two fairies. "Hey, what are you two doing together?"
"Uh, we're dating?" Teal said. Navi bounces up and down in the air crazily.
"Look! Watch out! Hey!" Navi screamed. "Wow. I haven't been that surprised since I found out the Gerudo thieves were all lesbians." Link said scratching his head. "Oh well, see you later." Link began heading towards the exit of Lon Lon Ranch.
Ganondorf walked by while eating pie. Link turned and watched him dumbfounded. "Ok. Maybe not that surprised... Hey! Ganon-Dork! What the hell are you doing here, I kicked your ass!" Link screamed at him. Ganondorf turned around and walked over to Link.
"Why hello, Link, how are you? Would you like some pie?" He asked as he held out the baked goods. Link raised an eyebrow suspicious of Ganondorf and what he could be planning. "It's quite yummy, it's Danish apple pie!"
"Oh! Why that's my favorite! Thank you!" Link took the pie and ran off to the Hyrule field. He devoured the pie quickly and played Epona's Song, expecting his faithful horse, Epona. Only to find out he had summoned a Chocobo.
"Wark!"
"WTF?! You're not Epona! Where's my damn horse!?" Link cried out and then tried again. This time it was a cow that came.
"Moo Moo"
"WHERE'S MY HORSE!!!!!!" Link yelled before trying again and again and again. A moose, a turkey, a skulkid, a flying squirrel, Scooby Doo, a Pikachu, a moogle, and the Knights of the Round all popped up with no sign of Epona. "YOU KNOW WHAT!??!?!?!? *$#^ IT! I'LL WALK!!!!!"
And with that Link set out for, uh, er... Lake Hylia! Yeah, and on the way, the insane Happy Masked Salesman that was probably a child rapist constantly stopped him and asked for masks and pudding. Link finally went insane and ran the rest of the way screaming bloody murder after the eleventh time he was stopped. He also bumped into the Kafei kid with the Keaton mask. He also asked for a mask and pudding. Link screamed some more and jumped the large gate to Lake Hylia.
Link ran into the fields that lay next to Lake Hylia, it was filled with hordes of screaming fans of the Indigo-Gos. The Indigo-Gos were all playing on the island in the middle of the lake with Hylians, Gorons, the Deku scrubs and surrounding them on land and Zoras in the water or vice versa. Well, not the Gorons or Dekus because they would, like, die. Link almost went deaf from the blaring speakers and screaming fans, and so he went over on the outskirts of Hylia and sat under a pine tree. It wasn't long until the concert ended.
"Ok, you don't have to go home but you cant stay here!" the guitarist said in the microphone. "SO GET LOST!"
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwww" the fans sulked and began to leave. Link noticed the trio of drunken chicks he knew all too well. Zelda, Saria and Mallon staggered towards the sitting Hero of Time[tm] under the tree. They were apparently singing one of the many catchy pop songs sung by Lulu of the band they were just at.
"Looooooook gurls! Dare's Blink!" Saria fumbled with her words, apparently because of the misuse of the large amount of alcohol.
"Hahahah! Hey lookah! The Ocarina of Time [tm] also makes a great bong!" Zelda chortled while doing strange things to it all the while.
"Hahahah, thas great! HALLO LING!" Mallon called stumbling along with the others until they were right above Link. He raised an eyebrow.
"Uh, too much to drink huh?" Link asked timidly. He didn't know what would happen, he had to be careful.
"Oh, Make love to me link! We can go back to the castle, our destiny awaits... On the Mattress of Time[tm]!" Zelda said, leaping at him. Link rolls backwards out of the way.
"Oh, no, no, no, no! You're drunk, missy!" Link said squirming to his feet. Zelda and the other two girls started to close around him.
"Oh, mmmy lil' Link, I'lla show you how to really milk a cow!" Mallon began rubbing Link's chest.
"AHHHH!" Link jumped over them just as they leapt for him and he ran, being the sexually uneducated virgin that he was. It didn't do much good; they somehow found and were riding Epona. He thought he would run faster when he pulled out the bunny ears, but he forgot he can not use it in his adult state, 'damn the Door of Time[tm], it closed on me after I beat Ganandorf and I just had to grow up the normal way! Crapness! You'd think they'd allow you to do whatever the hell you want after you save the world! But no! Oh looky! It's the weird Poe collecting guy!' Link ran up to him and ran in place with a questioning expression on his face, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm selling magic bottles, you can fit anything in it. Even yourself and as I can see you need to hide somewhere, yes?" The Poe man said, after noticing the girls approaching fast.
"How much?" Link rushed.
"1,000,000 gil- I mean dollars- I mean Ruppees!" He replied petting one of his little Poe friends.
"Hell no! You think I'm rich or something?! I live in a damn tree with a cow for the gods' sakes!" He screamed at the Poe man. The Poe collector shrugged.
"Hey, just trying to help, but I'm poor too ya know! I stole these clothes off a dead homeless guy, anyway, I guess you could always just hide in that hole over yonder- though I would not suggest it. Since you'd most likely be eaten alive by the hordes of undead, demons, and other such monsters." The Poe collector then walked away and disappeared. Link searched desperately for a place to run. The girls halted behind him and jumped off the horse before approaching him slowly. Finally, he came to a conclusion.
"Well, after all, I am a man. I should be able to fend off the ravage dams by myself. Hey, I bet it's not that bad, might as well give it a whirl." Link stated out loud and turned to face the girls. He thrusted a finger out in the air, pointing to the distance behind him. "OH MY GOD, GIRLS! LOOK! IT'S A NAKED DARK LINK!"
"OH GOODY!" they all turned to look. He didn't hesitate to hurl himself down the grotto hole while their backs were turned. Link fell for an unnaturally long time.
Back on the roof where Aeris sits...
Aeris innocently hummed a tune her mother often sang to her when she was little while staring at the stars still. She stopped when she could faintly hear a scream. She looked around and listened as it got louder and louder from above until... SLAM! Something landed hard in front of Aeris, who let out a shriek of surprise. It turned out to be a man in a green tunic, much like Legolas' but not as decorated. Aeris rushed over to help the man up and check his injuries. "Are you ok?! GOOD LORD!"
"Are you going to violate me too?" Link asked a bit dazed but recovering fast. Hey, he's fallen from much higher heights and lived.
"Uh, no. But my name's Aeris. I suppose you aren't from Midgar either?" She sighed before climbing through the window. He followed and shook his head, confused. "Oh, well, now I have four strangers in my house. You're welcomed to stay here until I figure out how to send you home. What's your name?"
"Link. I'm in Midgar? This must be like the time when I fell into Talmina, I knew I shouldn't have eaten that pie Ganondorf gave me! Oh hell, it's better than being chased by drunken chicks." Link sighed and followed her.
"Uh, wha?" Aeris mumbled in confusion as they headed down stairs. The boys were in a deep discussion on the new guests.
"I swear it! They all look like an altered version of Sephiroth here I tell you!" Tseng shouted to Cid and Vincent from a corner, holding a bouquet of flowers as well as shaking from hysteria of seeing so many strange people that reminded him of Sephiroth. "THEY HAVE COME TO SMITE US ALL! THEY ARE CLONES, I SAY! CLOOOOOOOONES!"
"No, they aren't. Don't make me finish what I started in the Temple!" Sephiroth growled. The Legolas, Kain and Kuja stood there not understanding anything, Vincent looked at Tseng as if he were mad, and Cid went back to his naughty magazines that he gave Aeris.
"Woah, woah, woah... If you have sex with your clone, are you gay or are you masturbating?" Tseng asked outloud and began to think.
"Porn. It's cheaper than dating." Cid mumbled off in his own little world.
Aeris yelped in joy at the sight of her childhood friend. Tseng had survived his encounter with Sephiroth in the Temple of Ancients by a mere thread of life within himself and dragged himself out of the temple into the forest surrounding it. In which later being attack but killed the monster instead of dying, and using the hide of the animal to cover his severe wounds to stop the bleeding, saving his life from dying due to lack of blood. Thus, taking a long rode to recovery without a few bumps and potholes within it along the way in the wilderness until a ship spotted his fire upon the shore. Allowing him to be rescued and taken into a good doctor, who didn't allow him to leave until healed. And that took quite a while, like a year. Now, back to the living room. Tseng looked up to see the young girl of his dreams (as well as sick fantasies, probably) prancing up towards him causing a smile to break out on his face.
"Oh! I'm so glad you could make it here! How are you? Are you still in pain?" She asked, hugging him. He blushed and shook his head before giving her the flowers. She thanked him and offered a cold beer, in which he excepted it generously. He straitened up instantly when he remembered who else was in the room. With that, he grabbed Aeris' arm and led her into the kitchen to talk privately while the other boys were busy talking to the new guest, Link.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Tseng jabbed his finger towards the four new men. "Who the hell are those guys?! They look like Sephiroth's spawn or clones or whatever."
"Well, um, I don't really knoooow. But one's a sorcerer, one's a vampire and it seems the last two are elves. I think I wished them here. And besides, the new one I just came down stairs with doesn't look like Sephiroth." She could tell he was lost from the expression on his face so she explained the whole thing to him. "I mean, I just wanted a nice boyfriend. My last one said he loved children, but I dumped him when I found out he was on parole for it. Cloud and Tifa are an item so he's out of the question." Tseng had to keep himself from jumping on her and shouting he loved her. She was so bad with love that it could hit her in the face with a shovel and she wouldn't notice. "But since they are all here, I promised them we'd have fun tomorrow for my party! Would you like to stay? I have room, I think."
"No, I think I'll have to pass. I'm looking for employment since the Turks are no more. I have an interview tomorrow. But thanks for the offer." Tseng sighed heavily. 'Is there no way into that heart of hers?' he thought. Aeris understood and thanked him for coming though before they parted at her front door. By then it was late, the sun had gone down looooooooong ago. It was about one thirty in the morning. Aeris suggested that they all went to sleep. She promised that the real fun for her party would happen tomorrow.
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Everyone was sleeping peacefully, Aeris in her own room, Sephiroth in the first guest room where he had been sleeping, Vincent and Cid in the second guest room and then the rest of the guys down in the living room with blankets and stuff. Sephiroth decided to get a glass of water so he crept out of his bed and opened his door. Not three steps later and Aeris' bedroom door next to him opened as well. Aeris walked stiffly out like she was sleep walking and then stood at the top of the stairs. Sephiroth went over to look at her, and he could see that her eyes were hazy and clouded over. He waved his hand in front of her face.
"Uh, Aeris? You there?" Sephiroth asked. She hadn't ever sleep walked before in the few weeks he had been living with her. Her head twisted to his direction slightly, her eyes cold and didn't blinking once. She was beginning to scare him.
"Go back to sleep Sephiroth, I'm going to go make love to that devilishly handsome and charming servant of the damned. Now, be a good little boy and go back to sleep or die or something." Aeris spoke emotionlessly in a monotone way. She continued down the stairs. Sephiroth frowned.
"Ugh! Stupid Kain." He muttered and went and jumped out the nearest window that led to Aeris' front yard. There, he found Kain in the bushes concentrating on his dark art, charm.
End Transmission..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sephiroth: you know you want me for my evilness and raw sex appeal.
Author: uhhhhhh, yeah, so? And your point is?
Sephiroth: Oh, uh, I was ganna say something really smart... But I lost it.
Author: .... Ok. (Turns to Vincent) Sorry, Vinny but some one named Sirlief wants you to mate with Tifa and Yuffie.
Vincent: Hey! But, I don't even know this person and they want us to mate?! What's in it for me?!
Author: uh, hot sex in a coffin, several dollars and a sponge.
Vincent: ... Oh, ok. (Walks off with Yuffie and Tifa)
Author: There ya go Sirlief, have fun! Well, Link. How was your trip to Midgar?! Mwahahahahahahhaha!!!!!!
Link: ....................-
Author: ok I get it.
Legolas: Ha! You can't find me! I'm the one who'll kill you! I have awesome elf ninja skillz and your mom!
Author: 'your mom?' (Some guy walks in carrying several boxes of pizzas)
Some Guy with pizzas: Pizza delivery. That'll be twenty-one fifty.
Author: Who ordered pizza?
Sephiroth: Me (went to get his wallet to pay for the pizzas as he began to pig out on em)
Legolas: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese...
Anonymous deep voice: In a world where pizza can earn free lemons, one man takes it to a new level! (Everyone except Sephiroth look around for where the voice is coming from)
Sephiroth: wassup. (Acting all cool)
Author: No! NO! NO! No more credit card parodies! (Goes out of the room for a moment)
Sephiroth: Why not? (Uses his credit card)
Kuja: (gasp!) You're going to use it on the pizza?!
Sephiroth: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah?
Dante: But all those hidden fees. (The swarm of cuccos that attacked Link begins to group together again and swarm around the guys)
Demonic Cuccos: kill.
Link: High interest rates.. (The cuccos come closer)
Demonic Cuccos: Kill.
Legolas: Not to mention all those junk emails on Dominos pizza days and the endless appearances on your credit card statement! (And closer!)
Demonic Cuccos: KILL!
Sephiroth: Don't worry, I have a capital one card!
Demonic Cuccos: Awwww. To the neighbors!
Demonic Cucco Leader: What's in your wall- SPLAT! (Aeris/Author shoots the cucco with her shotgun)
Author: Damn it! I said no more credit card parodies!
Kuja: I want to paint the sky with nail polish.
Dante: And I want to paint the wall with your intestines and blood.
Kain: Where?! Where's the bloodspray?!... Fixadent; it's for the vampire teeth.
Vincent: I use it too.
Author: yeahhhhhhhh. I'm going now.
Author: Gawd, we're on chapter five already? How time flies when you are making fun of three eyed squirrels.
Sephiroth: Hi.
Link: NI!
Vincent: Ni?
Kain: Niiiiii.
Dante: Niiiiii!
Kuja: ni.
Legolas: Ni.
Sephiroth: ...
Author: WE ARE THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY NI!
Sephiroth: I found a penny!
Link: I AM THE BRINGER OF THE KEEBLER ELVES! FEAR US AND TREMBLE!!!! We wear green. All that and a bag of chips, baby! MWAHAHAHAHHAH!! (Runs off and gets hit by a rabid moose, which gets eaten by a weird looking tiger machine thingy)
Author: This fic is brought to you by Grandma's Bonified Moose Death Traps. Kills moose dead. Don't worry, they only sell them in Norway. And I must say that I own no one but myself and my cat and the soul of a leprechaun named Nickels. I love sushi.
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Aeris was outside on the roof of her house and did not know why. (I don't even know why she was outside. Oh! Now I do.) She was fed up with all the yelling and needed some fresh air. Night had fallen upon the sky and the stars danced around the crescent moon that hung in the sky through the broken plate above the slums. She let out a sigh of fatigue and gazed at the sky while hugging her legs to her chest. The breeze played with wisps of her hair, throwing it about carelessly. Everything was going weird for her birthday. She had planned to have only her friends and Sephiroth over and now there were three weird strangers: an elf, a cross dressing sorcerer, and a vampire. 'What a birthday.'
Somewhere long, long- well, you know the drill.
A girl with red hair dressed plainly and a girl with blonde hair dressed royally stood in the corner of Lon Lon Ranch staring at the 'kind-hearted' blonde young Hylian up on the barn roof with five chickens strapped to his body. The red-haired girl moaned and the other only stared silently.
"I don't think this is ganna work, Link!" The red head called up to him.
"Don't worry, if I can glide with just one chicken, think of what I can do with five! We could fly around Hyrule with just chickens in the future, Mallon! IT'D BE SO COOL!" Link said with excitement bursting out of him. "Hey! Zelda! Mallon! Watch this!" He signaled to her that he was ready and jumped off the roof. The chickens flapped crazily and begin flying higher. Unfortunately they also began to peck at the rope that held them to Link while he was about fifteen yards in the air. A few more yards and all the rope snapped and the chickens flew away, leaving Link to fall to his death. For a brief few seconds, Link blinked before screaming for dear life as he descended back towards the ground. CRASH! He landed in some spread out hay. He wasn't that stupid, to go and try flying without something to break yours fall. Well, actually it was Mallon's idea since Link thought for sure that nothing could go wrong. Links body was twitching as Zelda and Mallon walked over to him.
" 'Oh! We don't need to put down hay, it's quite safe I'm sure!'.. really Link. Oh, and the chickens, you could have been a bit nicer to them. I don't think slicing them with the Master Sword was the right thing to do." Mallon stated to Link as she saw the chickens gathering.
The flock of chickens that he earlier used for this same project began to gather around Link and then ensued in a frenzy of merciless pecking sprees. Zelda and Mallon watched for a few minutes, screams of agony were hardly muffled by the flock of chickens upon Link, blood and miscellaneous chunks of flesh and bloodstained green clothing were flying every where. It was then that a girl in all green and looked no older than ten, walked up to Zelda and Mallon and watched with them.
"So, he was at it again, wasn't he?" the new girl asked shaking her head in pity.
"Yyyyyyep." Zelda said, she was now eating popcorn as she watched. The screams continued.
"God, this is boring.. Hey! Let's go to Lake Hylia! I heard that the Indigo- Gos were ganna being playing there this weekend!" Mallon said jumping up and down. The flock of chickens lifted leaving a bloody lump of a naked Hylian.
"(Wheeze) Ribs.. broken. Organs... bleeding. (Wheeze) Spleen... still unaccounted for." Link whimpered as he tries to stand up on his own but badly staggers in front of the three girls. They all go wide-eyed as they stare at a naked Link.
"Guess whose going to have nightmares for months now?" Zelda said as she and the other girls turned to leave nervously.
Navi, who had been off dating some guy fairy, was flying by with her boyfriend until they noticed the naked half-dead Link laying in a bloody mess in hay. She flew over to him and bounced up and down in the air shouting "Hey! Look! Hey!" over and over again. Now you can understand why The Legend of Zelda has strongly influenced terrorist groups and teenage suicidals since 1989. Navi was apparently going out with Teal. Don't ask how they hooked up, who knows. But what I do know is this, Teal didn't want to stare at Link's nude bloody body so he beamed clothes onto him... With magic! Sparkly, Sparkly!
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(CNN music begins) Author: This just in! We bring you a live update. My friend Elisha has came up with a tittle for her fic! It will be called "Raising Tidus". But before everyone can view it, she has to remember her password to Fanfiction.com. Now back to our paid programming. (Throws buckets of cheese at the audience as well as luffas and animal crackers)
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"Well, hell, I might as well heal him too." Teal said and summoned some fairy chicks to dance around him madly in a circle until Link's health was fully restored and he was back on his feet.
"Why thank you, my little fairy friends. Did you know that Pikachu says 'Pika, Pika' which means 'sparkly, sparkly' in Japanese?" Link said a bit dazed and wobbling as he walked away. He sharply turned back around and looked at the two fairies. "Hey, what are you two doing together?"
"Uh, we're dating?" Teal said. Navi bounces up and down in the air crazily.
"Look! Watch out! Hey!" Navi screamed. "Wow. I haven't been that surprised since I found out the Gerudo thieves were all lesbians." Link said scratching his head. "Oh well, see you later." Link began heading towards the exit of Lon Lon Ranch.
Ganondorf walked by while eating pie. Link turned and watched him dumbfounded. "Ok. Maybe not that surprised... Hey! Ganon-Dork! What the hell are you doing here, I kicked your ass!" Link screamed at him. Ganondorf turned around and walked over to Link.
"Why hello, Link, how are you? Would you like some pie?" He asked as he held out the baked goods. Link raised an eyebrow suspicious of Ganondorf and what he could be planning. "It's quite yummy, it's Danish apple pie!"
"Oh! Why that's my favorite! Thank you!" Link took the pie and ran off to the Hyrule field. He devoured the pie quickly and played Epona's Song, expecting his faithful horse, Epona. Only to find out he had summoned a Chocobo.
"Wark!"
"WTF?! You're not Epona! Where's my damn horse!?" Link cried out and then tried again. This time it was a cow that came.
"Moo Moo"
"WHERE'S MY HORSE!!!!!!" Link yelled before trying again and again and again. A moose, a turkey, a skulkid, a flying squirrel, Scooby Doo, a Pikachu, a moogle, and the Knights of the Round all popped up with no sign of Epona. "YOU KNOW WHAT!??!?!?!? *$#^ IT! I'LL WALK!!!!!"
And with that Link set out for, uh, er... Lake Hylia! Yeah, and on the way, the insane Happy Masked Salesman that was probably a child rapist constantly stopped him and asked for masks and pudding. Link finally went insane and ran the rest of the way screaming bloody murder after the eleventh time he was stopped. He also bumped into the Kafei kid with the Keaton mask. He also asked for a mask and pudding. Link screamed some more and jumped the large gate to Lake Hylia.
Link ran into the fields that lay next to Lake Hylia, it was filled with hordes of screaming fans of the Indigo-Gos. The Indigo-Gos were all playing on the island in the middle of the lake with Hylians, Gorons, the Deku scrubs and surrounding them on land and Zoras in the water or vice versa. Well, not the Gorons or Dekus because they would, like, die. Link almost went deaf from the blaring speakers and screaming fans, and so he went over on the outskirts of Hylia and sat under a pine tree. It wasn't long until the concert ended.
"Ok, you don't have to go home but you cant stay here!" the guitarist said in the microphone. "SO GET LOST!"
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwww" the fans sulked and began to leave. Link noticed the trio of drunken chicks he knew all too well. Zelda, Saria and Mallon staggered towards the sitting Hero of Time[tm] under the tree. They were apparently singing one of the many catchy pop songs sung by Lulu of the band they were just at.
"Looooooook gurls! Dare's Blink!" Saria fumbled with her words, apparently because of the misuse of the large amount of alcohol.
"Hahahah! Hey lookah! The Ocarina of Time [tm] also makes a great bong!" Zelda chortled while doing strange things to it all the while.
"Hahahah, thas great! HALLO LING!" Mallon called stumbling along with the others until they were right above Link. He raised an eyebrow.
"Uh, too much to drink huh?" Link asked timidly. He didn't know what would happen, he had to be careful.
"Oh, Make love to me link! We can go back to the castle, our destiny awaits... On the Mattress of Time[tm]!" Zelda said, leaping at him. Link rolls backwards out of the way.
"Oh, no, no, no, no! You're drunk, missy!" Link said squirming to his feet. Zelda and the other two girls started to close around him.
"Oh, mmmy lil' Link, I'lla show you how to really milk a cow!" Mallon began rubbing Link's chest.
"AHHHH!" Link jumped over them just as they leapt for him and he ran, being the sexually uneducated virgin that he was. It didn't do much good; they somehow found and were riding Epona. He thought he would run faster when he pulled out the bunny ears, but he forgot he can not use it in his adult state, 'damn the Door of Time[tm], it closed on me after I beat Ganandorf and I just had to grow up the normal way! Crapness! You'd think they'd allow you to do whatever the hell you want after you save the world! But no! Oh looky! It's the weird Poe collecting guy!' Link ran up to him and ran in place with a questioning expression on his face, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm selling magic bottles, you can fit anything in it. Even yourself and as I can see you need to hide somewhere, yes?" The Poe man said, after noticing the girls approaching fast.
"How much?" Link rushed.
"1,000,000 gil- I mean dollars- I mean Ruppees!" He replied petting one of his little Poe friends.
"Hell no! You think I'm rich or something?! I live in a damn tree with a cow for the gods' sakes!" He screamed at the Poe man. The Poe collector shrugged.
"Hey, just trying to help, but I'm poor too ya know! I stole these clothes off a dead homeless guy, anyway, I guess you could always just hide in that hole over yonder- though I would not suggest it. Since you'd most likely be eaten alive by the hordes of undead, demons, and other such monsters." The Poe collector then walked away and disappeared. Link searched desperately for a place to run. The girls halted behind him and jumped off the horse before approaching him slowly. Finally, he came to a conclusion.
"Well, after all, I am a man. I should be able to fend off the ravage dams by myself. Hey, I bet it's not that bad, might as well give it a whirl." Link stated out loud and turned to face the girls. He thrusted a finger out in the air, pointing to the distance behind him. "OH MY GOD, GIRLS! LOOK! IT'S A NAKED DARK LINK!"
"OH GOODY!" they all turned to look. He didn't hesitate to hurl himself down the grotto hole while their backs were turned. Link fell for an unnaturally long time.
Back on the roof where Aeris sits...
Aeris innocently hummed a tune her mother often sang to her when she was little while staring at the stars still. She stopped when she could faintly hear a scream. She looked around and listened as it got louder and louder from above until... SLAM! Something landed hard in front of Aeris, who let out a shriek of surprise. It turned out to be a man in a green tunic, much like Legolas' but not as decorated. Aeris rushed over to help the man up and check his injuries. "Are you ok?! GOOD LORD!"
"Are you going to violate me too?" Link asked a bit dazed but recovering fast. Hey, he's fallen from much higher heights and lived.
"Uh, no. But my name's Aeris. I suppose you aren't from Midgar either?" She sighed before climbing through the window. He followed and shook his head, confused. "Oh, well, now I have four strangers in my house. You're welcomed to stay here until I figure out how to send you home. What's your name?"
"Link. I'm in Midgar? This must be like the time when I fell into Talmina, I knew I shouldn't have eaten that pie Ganondorf gave me! Oh hell, it's better than being chased by drunken chicks." Link sighed and followed her.
"Uh, wha?" Aeris mumbled in confusion as they headed down stairs. The boys were in a deep discussion on the new guests.
"I swear it! They all look like an altered version of Sephiroth here I tell you!" Tseng shouted to Cid and Vincent from a corner, holding a bouquet of flowers as well as shaking from hysteria of seeing so many strange people that reminded him of Sephiroth. "THEY HAVE COME TO SMITE US ALL! THEY ARE CLONES, I SAY! CLOOOOOOOONES!"
"No, they aren't. Don't make me finish what I started in the Temple!" Sephiroth growled. The Legolas, Kain and Kuja stood there not understanding anything, Vincent looked at Tseng as if he were mad, and Cid went back to his naughty magazines that he gave Aeris.
"Woah, woah, woah... If you have sex with your clone, are you gay or are you masturbating?" Tseng asked outloud and began to think.
"Porn. It's cheaper than dating." Cid mumbled off in his own little world.
Aeris yelped in joy at the sight of her childhood friend. Tseng had survived his encounter with Sephiroth in the Temple of Ancients by a mere thread of life within himself and dragged himself out of the temple into the forest surrounding it. In which later being attack but killed the monster instead of dying, and using the hide of the animal to cover his severe wounds to stop the bleeding, saving his life from dying due to lack of blood. Thus, taking a long rode to recovery without a few bumps and potholes within it along the way in the wilderness until a ship spotted his fire upon the shore. Allowing him to be rescued and taken into a good doctor, who didn't allow him to leave until healed. And that took quite a while, like a year. Now, back to the living room. Tseng looked up to see the young girl of his dreams (as well as sick fantasies, probably) prancing up towards him causing a smile to break out on his face.
"Oh! I'm so glad you could make it here! How are you? Are you still in pain?" She asked, hugging him. He blushed and shook his head before giving her the flowers. She thanked him and offered a cold beer, in which he excepted it generously. He straitened up instantly when he remembered who else was in the room. With that, he grabbed Aeris' arm and led her into the kitchen to talk privately while the other boys were busy talking to the new guest, Link.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Tseng jabbed his finger towards the four new men. "Who the hell are those guys?! They look like Sephiroth's spawn or clones or whatever."
"Well, um, I don't really knoooow. But one's a sorcerer, one's a vampire and it seems the last two are elves. I think I wished them here. And besides, the new one I just came down stairs with doesn't look like Sephiroth." She could tell he was lost from the expression on his face so she explained the whole thing to him. "I mean, I just wanted a nice boyfriend. My last one said he loved children, but I dumped him when I found out he was on parole for it. Cloud and Tifa are an item so he's out of the question." Tseng had to keep himself from jumping on her and shouting he loved her. She was so bad with love that it could hit her in the face with a shovel and she wouldn't notice. "But since they are all here, I promised them we'd have fun tomorrow for my party! Would you like to stay? I have room, I think."
"No, I think I'll have to pass. I'm looking for employment since the Turks are no more. I have an interview tomorrow. But thanks for the offer." Tseng sighed heavily. 'Is there no way into that heart of hers?' he thought. Aeris understood and thanked him for coming though before they parted at her front door. By then it was late, the sun had gone down looooooooong ago. It was about one thirty in the morning. Aeris suggested that they all went to sleep. She promised that the real fun for her party would happen tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone was sleeping peacefully, Aeris in her own room, Sephiroth in the first guest room where he had been sleeping, Vincent and Cid in the second guest room and then the rest of the guys down in the living room with blankets and stuff. Sephiroth decided to get a glass of water so he crept out of his bed and opened his door. Not three steps later and Aeris' bedroom door next to him opened as well. Aeris walked stiffly out like she was sleep walking and then stood at the top of the stairs. Sephiroth went over to look at her, and he could see that her eyes were hazy and clouded over. He waved his hand in front of her face.
"Uh, Aeris? You there?" Sephiroth asked. She hadn't ever sleep walked before in the few weeks he had been living with her. Her head twisted to his direction slightly, her eyes cold and didn't blinking once. She was beginning to scare him.
"Go back to sleep Sephiroth, I'm going to go make love to that devilishly handsome and charming servant of the damned. Now, be a good little boy and go back to sleep or die or something." Aeris spoke emotionlessly in a monotone way. She continued down the stairs. Sephiroth frowned.
"Ugh! Stupid Kain." He muttered and went and jumped out the nearest window that led to Aeris' front yard. There, he found Kain in the bushes concentrating on his dark art, charm.
End Transmission..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sephiroth: you know you want me for my evilness and raw sex appeal.
Author: uhhhhhh, yeah, so? And your point is?
Sephiroth: Oh, uh, I was ganna say something really smart... But I lost it.
Author: .... Ok. (Turns to Vincent) Sorry, Vinny but some one named Sirlief wants you to mate with Tifa and Yuffie.
Vincent: Hey! But, I don't even know this person and they want us to mate?! What's in it for me?!
Author: uh, hot sex in a coffin, several dollars and a sponge.
Vincent: ... Oh, ok. (Walks off with Yuffie and Tifa)
Author: There ya go Sirlief, have fun! Well, Link. How was your trip to Midgar?! Mwahahahahahahhaha!!!!!!
Link: ....................-
Author: ok I get it.
Legolas: Ha! You can't find me! I'm the one who'll kill you! I have awesome elf ninja skillz and your mom!
Author: 'your mom?' (Some guy walks in carrying several boxes of pizzas)
Some Guy with pizzas: Pizza delivery. That'll be twenty-one fifty.
Author: Who ordered pizza?
Sephiroth: Me (went to get his wallet to pay for the pizzas as he began to pig out on em)
Legolas: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese...
Anonymous deep voice: In a world where pizza can earn free lemons, one man takes it to a new level! (Everyone except Sephiroth look around for where the voice is coming from)
Sephiroth: wassup. (Acting all cool)
Author: No! NO! NO! No more credit card parodies! (Goes out of the room for a moment)
Sephiroth: Why not? (Uses his credit card)
Kuja: (gasp!) You're going to use it on the pizza?!
Sephiroth: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah?
Dante: But all those hidden fees. (The swarm of cuccos that attacked Link begins to group together again and swarm around the guys)
Demonic Cuccos: kill.
Link: High interest rates.. (The cuccos come closer)
Demonic Cuccos: Kill.
Legolas: Not to mention all those junk emails on Dominos pizza days and the endless appearances on your credit card statement! (And closer!)
Demonic Cuccos: KILL!
Sephiroth: Don't worry, I have a capital one card!
Demonic Cuccos: Awwww. To the neighbors!
Demonic Cucco Leader: What's in your wall- SPLAT! (Aeris/Author shoots the cucco with her shotgun)
Author: Damn it! I said no more credit card parodies!
Kuja: I want to paint the sky with nail polish.
Dante: And I want to paint the wall with your intestines and blood.
Kain: Where?! Where's the bloodspray?!... Fixadent; it's for the vampire teeth.
Vincent: I use it too.
Author: yeahhhhhhhh. I'm going now.