Chapter 10
Author: Oh my gods! We're already at chapter ten, and I'm only half way done with the whole story! Sorry I've been away for so long off the computer, I'm actually grounded for all eternity until your grandchildren are wrinkled and gassy. And it's my damn sister's entire fault. Well, and mine but we won't go into details about the bloodshed, the merciless screeches and everything else, my cat is staring at me again. I'd like to thank everyone that has reviewed and sat endlessly at his or her computers for the next chapters of my story! I love you all, well, not it THAT sort of way. Well, unless you look like Sephy-poo here.
Sephiroth: Hi.
Author: Then you could come over any time! Other than that, yeah, um... thank you! (Throws lemurs, lemons and sugar into the audience) And thank you for going to my web sight. Except for that guy, uh, Joe. Heh. Yeah. Um, I'm eating a Bisquick biscuit; they give you a 5 percent increase of yuuuuuuuummy!
Sephiroth: I don't need biscuits, I'm already yummy, heheheh.
Author: so far, all of this story is 77 pages, that's the longest I've ever written for a single story on the computer, but for pen and papper, I've probably filled several notebooks full of story crap. Heh, not that anyone cares.
Kain: Trust us, we don't.
Link: Kain is edible.
Dante: Hey, am I edible?
Author: Oooooooooooh Yeaaaaaaaaaaah! I'm so twisted right now.
Vincent: Me too!
Kuja: I can't wait till X-2 comes out! The battles will be like playing dress up with Barbies.
Everyone else: .....
Author: just smile and nod.
Kuja: What?! That's what you do!
Author: I know, and that's why I love you, Kuja. Now quit running around without pants on! (throws baggy pants at him) Your thighs are prettier than mine and I'm getting jealous just looking at them!
Everyone else: (stares at her, Kuja puts on the pants)
Kain: (feels up Aeris/Author's legs) Mmmmmmm. (he is soon beaten into the ground by a Star Wars book. Don't ask me why it was a Star Wars book, I don't know.)
Author: Okay! Lets just begin this.
All: Right!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Somewhere where a peacock was not at, Aeris and her gang of sexy/hot/pretty/edible guys marched up to the gates of Coral. They all observed the piles of wreckage between halfway built houses and growing grass as they went through it. Aeris searched for any sign of her large one- armed friend. She grinned with joy when she could hear the cursing of a deep voiced man and ran to the area she heard him at. Aeris came to a house that was being painted and she saw Barret cursing at the workers because they were using the wrong colored paint.
"Greetings earthling! We come in peace." Aeris said in as deep as a voice she could. Barret looked up and smiled at Aeris, yet that expression changed when he saw Sephiroth and the other strange looking guys.
"Hey der Aeris, who the (#^@ are dose mofos behind that sick assed Sephiroth pussy?!" Barret's tongue was rather hard to understand as he talked in his gangster/rapper voice. Sephiroth immediately didn't like him, not that he was planning to or anything.
"We're all heading to Gold Saucer because I had some unexpected, uh, er, friends drop by." Aeris replied with a warm smile. Barret just nodded slowly with suspicion.
"You sure you ain't startin' no harem of Sephiroth bastards? Cause it sure as hell looks like it!" Barret eyed her carefully. Aeris laughed at the thought of it, yet she noted it wasn't a bad idea.
"No, but Sephiroth is Aeris' stripping bitch." Cid told the burly man Barret and several other guys laughed. Sephiroth was fisting his hands and trying to keep cool.
"No, no, Barret. I see you've been busy rebuilding Coral with the excess gil we got off the whole 'kill Sephiroth' adventure. Good work." Aeris said.
'oh, yeah! Get rich by killing the mislead evil guy, sure.... bastards.' Sephiroth thought in his beautiful head.
"Yeah, it's takin' a while but we're ganna be a prosperous town again!" Barret announced proudly.
"I'm happy for you, oh, and thank you for the beautiful wooden jewelry box you sent me for my birthday, it's quite lovely!" Aeris smiled.
"You're welcome, it used ta be my wife's but I think you should have it. Sniff." Barret began to sob at the remembrance of his wife. Vincent walked over and patted him on the back.
"I mourn with you on the passing of our lost loves." Vincent told him as they both began to moan in grief. Aeris tried to comfort them while the other guys only rolled their eyes.
After Aeris thanked him again, she said goodbye and continued on her way to the Gold Saucer lift gate, followed by the boys. They hurried up and crammed into the lift and waited till it took off. When they arrived at the Gold Saucer entrance, everyone spilled out of the lift car like pudding (can you spill pudding?). They were immediately approached by some fat middle aged bald man in a chocobo suit, (oh, my god! It's my second grade teacher! No, I'm just kidding. My second grade teacher couldn't fit into a chocobo suit if they used butter.)
"Kwi! Welcome to Gold Saucer!" The hyper man said, shoving another Snickers into his mouth through the mouthpiece of the costume. Dante screamed.
"IT'S SATAN!!!!!" He cried out, jabbing a finger towards the now confused man.
"I'm not Satan." The man replied.
"THE HELL YOU'RE NOT!" Dante objected. He pulled out his father's sword and prepared to attack.
"BAH! So you have found me, Pikachu spawn! Have at you!" the man turned into the limbless Monty Python and hopped onto Dante's head, who desperately tried to stab him off. He then hopped off and away, disappearing in a crowd of people in desperate attempt to escape. Dante quickly pursued him with his sword held high in the air, running past the hordes of people. When the people all noticed the Sephiroth uniform Dante wore and his silver hair, they began running insanely about, screaming that Sephiroth had returned to kill them all. However, Dante still followed the escaping Satan.
"Well, I guess we don't have to worry about paying for him. And, it's nice to know that my name still puts fear in the mass' hearts." Sephiroth said when the chaos ceased.
"Ha! I don't need to pay for any of you. I have a lifetime ticket for this place." Aeris chimed, waving the ticket in the air. "Let's go, guys!"
They went in using the ticket and came to the large room that allowed them to decide where they wanted to go. Aeris looked at each slide-thingy and finally turned back around.
"So! Where do we all want to go?" Aeris asked the boys. No reply. She turned around and found most of them arguing.
"I'M TAKING HER!" Sephiroth screamed, kicking the other two guys he was arguing with.
"NO, I'M TAKING HER OUT TONIGHT!" Legolas punched him in the face.
"HELL! I THINK NOT!" Kain bellowed, trying to stab the other off. Aeris was quite flattered but also so excited to go on rides that she became irritated quite quickly. So she walked over and bashed them all over the head with her piko hammer. Blood trickled down all their foreheads.
"How about we draw straws!" Link suggested quite rapidly cheerfully. "Then we can each take turns and spend an hour with her."
"...... Yeah, okay. That's fair." The rest mumbled in agreement.
"Don't I have an consent in this?!" Aeris demanded, suspicious that they had all planned this out.
"Uh.... No. Okay! Each of us draws one! We'll go at the same time, and the one with the shortest wins!" Link replied. Aeris smacked her hand to her head in frustration as Link got the straws (from god knows where.). Link gripped his fingers on the straw he wanted and waited while the other men followed his action. (Vincent was left out, since he only viewed Aeris as a friend.... so far. Heheheh). Once everyone looked out their straws, waves of groans followed one after another. Link stood grinning conceitedly as he held the winning straw. "Oh, look at that! I won! How nifty!"
Everyone else glared with flames rising behind them dramatically. Aeris sighed; thinking that dating her was just a contest and nothing more. Sniffles. But oh how she was wrong. Link walked over to Aeris with his cute little virgin smile spread across his face like warm butter. Butter that could most likely be used for so many things, like toast, toast that taste really gooooooooood. Aeris rolled her eyes and decided to play along. They pranced hand in hand up to the slide thing that led to the Chocobo racing square.
The guys all stood, staring at the hole the couple disappeared down and then finally glancing at one another. Silence was all that could be heard (since Dante, dressed like Sephiroth, scared everyone out of the entrance of Gold Saucer). Speaking of Dante, in the far distance, one could see him still chasing the hopping Satan. But you can only keenly spot him using those Elvin Eyes of Sight. So go buy them, then you will see Dante. It's like going to one of those 3-d films and getting the 3-d specs, only nothing pops out because it's on a computer. Ha! What the hell? I'm confusing myself.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Let us go back to the worlds of the five (sexy, hot, adorable, and erotically coated with dark chocolate sauce) men.. elf included. Chips! Yummmmmmmmmy! First, Legolas' world (Middle Earth, people, Middle Earth.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aragorn and Gimli sat at the bar of the Prancing Pony. (don't ask me why they would travel all the way back there just to try and pick up chicks and drink beer because I will cut you!) Aragorn took another drag at his pipe full of Old Toby. Little Gimli was rosy red from being drunk.
"Mannnnn, we got totally wasted, didn't we?" Aragorn asked.
"Yup, I know I'm plastered, we dwarves always get plastered with fine mead such as this." Gimli replied, downing another pint of beer. "Hey, where'd the pansy elf boy go?"
"Duuuude, I don't know, heheh, but aren't we supposed to be fighting in some war?" Aragorn asked. They sat in silence for a bit and finally shrugged it off, going for more ale and Old Toby in the process.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wow, and you thought Middle Earth was all Fairy tale crap, hell no! Anywho, let's hit the pretty Polly pocket world of Gaia, where Kuja was zapped away from. Hey, does anyone else here hear the Navy song in their head? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey! When is this new boss ganna get here?" A black mage asked. Four black mages stood waiting for the Hilda Garde to arrive.
"They told me they found a new one. He's supposed to be better than Kuja." A second black mage said.
"Let's just hope we don't have to do gay crap for him like we did for Kuja" A third black mage said, shuddering at the thought of having to play dress up again.
"Hey, I think they're here!" the fourth black mage cried, pointing at the flying ship approaching the cave's entrance in Kuja's desert palace. The four black mages watched the ship dock. The walkway unfolded down and black mages came running out. Finally, a black waltz strolled down, followed by a freaky looking man with blue insane hair, weird tattoos on his chest, queer looking clothes and really long arms. The black waltz came to the black mages that stood there staring in halfway confusion and anger. The fourth mage turned to the other mages and whispered. "I thought you guys said he's supposed to be better than Kuja?!"
"Uhhh..." The other black mages replied, not knowing what to say.
"Hey, guys! Here's our new boss! Seymour Guado." The black waltz announced, gesturing to the new man. The black mages were completely silent.
"Helllllooooooo! This place is, like, totally cool! I like the décor, it just, like, makes me want to skip like a mad man!" Seymour said in a half Valley girl, half British voice. Yes, Seymour is British.
"What the hell?! 697, you suck! No way in hell are we going to send you off to get another boss, you keep bringing back queer people!" A black mage yelled at the black waltz.
"He was all I could find!" The black waltz explained nervously as he backed away slowly.
"GET HIM!!!!!!!!!!" The black mages shouted in union, tackling the black waltz to the ground and beginning to beat the crap out of him.
"HELLLLLLPPPPPP! DEAR GODS, SAVE ME PLEAAAAAAASEEEEEEEE!" The black waltz screamed, running away from the black mages that were casting super nova on him. Seymour was busy filing his long nails when he noticed the time.
"OH, MY, GOD! Like! OH! MY! GOD! TLC is ganna be on and Brittny Spears' new music video is sooooooo going to be on!!!!!! Wheeeeeeeeee!" Seymour giggles and runs to find the closet tv.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now we shall take a look at Kain's world, Nosgoth, or is it Nasgoth..... Whatever ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blue wrath like creature popped out of a time streaming device and looked around confused.
"I think I took a wrong turn..." He muttered to himself, scratching his head with his cloven claws. He spots another blue creature about ten yards to his right. He walked up to the form, discovering that it is the legendary Janos Audren. Janos turns and faced him, his great black wings fluttering behind him. "Err, are you that dude that is like all evil and stuff?"
"No, but I'm blue." He replied.
"I can see that, so am I." The blue wrath nodded slowly.
"No, I'm blue as in I'm sad." He told him. "I'm Janos Audren and I don't know why I am here."
"Hey! I don't know why I'm here either! I'm Raziel! I think my name is actually a girls' name but oh well." He said to Janos. They stood in silence for a while. "Hey you wanna go get a drink?"
"What the hell, sure." Janos said and they both walked off and began killing innocent humans for their blood and souls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So much pointlessness and idiocy, gradles of gravy. Anyways, now onto the wonderful world (that is even smaller than a city park) of Hyrule! You know, where Link came from. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Zelda stood in front of her mirror in her room. She was bored. She was also holding her Shiek outfit. She finally put it on and looked like a guy again. You couldn't see it but she was smiling. She soon will not be bored. She or should I say he jumped out of the window and ran outside. Shiek skipped giddily around Hyrule field. He giggled madly as if he was watching Dell commercials. He skipped right into the ass of a horse and fell flat onto the ground, half unconscious. He saw the silhouette of a woman's head block the harmful radioactive gamma rays of the sun.
"Are you okay?!" A familiar voice asked. Shiek sat up wordlessly and looked to see Mallon smiling innocently at him. She didn't seem to recognize Zelda in her disguise. "Why yes, I am." Shiek told her and got up. Mallon looked at him eagerly.
"Do I know you? You seem handsomely familiar." Mallon said, approaching him slowly. Shiek retreated slowly.
"Uh, I really should be going-" Shiek began.
"Aw! You are so cute! Let me buy you dinner, handsome." Mallon stepped up to him.
"Uh, no really, I need to leave." Shiek told her, stepping back more.
"Come now, let's go get a drink, I'm becoming sober again!" Mallon squealed, jumping onto Shiek. Shiek couldn't take it any more.
"I can't do that, Mallon!" Shiek screamed in a girly voice.
"Waitaminute... Are you gay?" Mallon asked. "You ARE wearing tight pants and they make you sound like a girl."
"I am a girl!" Shiek shouted.
"AHAHAHA! You're a guy! You've got a nice ass! Come on, lets go get drunk!" Mallon hung unto Sheik.
"No! Really, It's me! ZELDA!" Sheik pulled off her hood, revealing that he was indeed Zelda, Princess of Hyrule. Mallon still didn't believe this and hung tighter. Zelda finally kicked her off and began to run as fast as she could. Mallon was still giggling as she leaped unto her horse and pursued her hotly. "Quit following me, damn it! I'm Zelda!"
"Cooooooooome onnnnnnnnnnnn, I'll buy the drink!" Mallon called after the running Zelda.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Zelda screamed, hastening her step. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now that we have looked there, let us go to our, uh, world, which we sorta already in if you know what I mean. Of course you don't, oh well. Ha! I'm watching Pirates of the Caribbean. I must say Jack Sparrow is sexy, not to mention Legolas, er, I mean Will Turner. ANYWAY! TOTALLY OF SUBJECT! My bad, sorry bout that. Anyway, we go live to the little, or larger than most, world of Dante. Wait, this is our world. Well mine at least. I don't know about everyone else. Getting of topic, again... Anyway, jeezus crap, just read on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Where the bloody hell is Dante?!" Trish exclaimed. Lucia shrugged, trying on another pair of her new boots out of the hundred she bought. "His girlfriend's on the phone."
"He haz a girlfriend? I thought he vas too much of a loser to pick up any chicks." Lucia said. There was a long period of silence as they stared at each other at the realization of her words. Lucia coughed uncomfortably and asked. "Well who is his girlfriend?"
"Her name is Eva. (Big spoiler for anyone waiting for more of the DMC 3 fanfic I'm doing. Sorry.) She needs to ask him some question on some demons or something. What am I supposed to tell her?!" Trish asked.
"Tell her he is fighting with Satan, again." Lucia told her, lacing up another pair of boots. Trish nodded and attended to the phone again, explaining the situation.
"Yeah... Yeah, uh, okay......No. I don't know when he'll be back.... Okay, I say you called. Okay, thank you, bye." Trish finished and hung up. "Well, she fending off several demons at the moment while she was on her cell, I think I'll go help her. Then Dante will owe me big time."
"Oh! I come too!" Lucia squealed with glee as she strapped on her ideal pair of boots and followed Trish out the door, not forgetting to stop in the kitchen to grab all the kitchen knives. She uses them to throw at her enemies. They both left. Well, it seems as though things aren't well kept in the other worlds. Oh well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aeris: Well, Shiver me timbers, ladies!
Sephiroth: Laddies, we are men, Aeris. And what's with the stuffed parrot and eye patch?
Aeris: Did I not just a moment ago say I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean?! Savvy?
Legolas: Hehehe, I was in that, wait! No, I didn't say that.
Kuja: At the end of the movie, Legolas looked like Red Mage! Feathery hat. Fluffy.
Kain: Pirates are gay.
Dante: YOU DARE DEFY THE PIRATES?!!!?!?!??! DEMON!!!!!!!!!
Kain: KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!! (they attack one another)
Link: Hahaha! Where I come from, there is a neighboring land that has pirates. The best thing about 'em all is that.... They are ALL chicks, man! I think they are lesbians, too, like the Gerudo Thieves. But then, I could be wrong, they could kidnap handsome young men and save them for breeding and what not.
Vincent: sounds intriguing.
Sephiroth: Ha! Finally you talk!
Aeris: you know what would be really cool? Pirate ninjas, or Ninja pirates, whichever way you like. Now THAT would be killer.
Kain: (done fighting) WHY THE HELL ARE WE TALKING ABOUT PIRATES?!?!?!
Vincent: One of the many things we must wonder in life. Just like how Seymour got into Kuja's world when he belongs in Spira, hitting on chaste chicks and fighting against boys with lesbian haircuts.
All stop to think and wonder: .........
Aeris: uh, how did he get in there?
Legolas: Plot development, mister Frodo, plot development.
Sephiroth: she's not Frodo. Speaking of Frodo.... I had a dream that Sauron was fighting on Mt. Doom against the elves and the humans like in the beginning of the fellowship of the ring. He took of the helmet and IT WAS F(^$ING FRODO, MAN!!!!!
Dante: I had a dream like that, except it was Mundus who turned out to be Trish.
Aeris: I also saw the third Lord of the Rings movie today and I LOVED IT, DAMMIT!!!!!!! IT WAS F^&$#@ AWESOME, AND YOU LOOKED SO SEXY ON THE BIG SCREEN, LEGOLAS!!!!!!!! -
Legolas: Thank you
Aeris: THEY HAD TO TIE ME DOWN TO KEEP ME FROM JUMPING ON THE SCREAN!!!!!!!!! (Well, okay, I only got really giddy in my seat, but it still made everyone stare.) I loved the trick when you killed the elephant thing and you slid gracefully off of it when it went BOOM onto the ground. Damn! Hot stuff man! Double douse of Legolas in one day! I cried with joy.
Sephiroth: Don't you mean 'dose'? Double dose?
Aeris: yeah, something like that. Anyways, I'll get to work on the next chapter, sorry for the delay, and happy holidays and whatever the hell you celebrate.
Kain: I'm Jewish.
Aeris: Well, then happy haunicaa or however you spell it.
Dante: I'm Christian!
Aeris: Uh, Merry Christmas -
Kain: KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dante: DEMON!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sephiroth: (hits them both with a lead pipe) SHUT UP!!!!!!! Okay, bye ignorant peoples
Aeris: (wispers to Sephiroth) Don't be mean to the readers! (turns around and waves) Bye! Arrr! Scurvy mates, shiver me timbers! (Sephiroth shakes head in disgust) What?!
Author: Oh my gods! We're already at chapter ten, and I'm only half way done with the whole story! Sorry I've been away for so long off the computer, I'm actually grounded for all eternity until your grandchildren are wrinkled and gassy. And it's my damn sister's entire fault. Well, and mine but we won't go into details about the bloodshed, the merciless screeches and everything else, my cat is staring at me again. I'd like to thank everyone that has reviewed and sat endlessly at his or her computers for the next chapters of my story! I love you all, well, not it THAT sort of way. Well, unless you look like Sephy-poo here.
Sephiroth: Hi.
Author: Then you could come over any time! Other than that, yeah, um... thank you! (Throws lemurs, lemons and sugar into the audience) And thank you for going to my web sight. Except for that guy, uh, Joe. Heh. Yeah. Um, I'm eating a Bisquick biscuit; they give you a 5 percent increase of yuuuuuuuummy!
Sephiroth: I don't need biscuits, I'm already yummy, heheheh.
Author: so far, all of this story is 77 pages, that's the longest I've ever written for a single story on the computer, but for pen and papper, I've probably filled several notebooks full of story crap. Heh, not that anyone cares.
Kain: Trust us, we don't.
Link: Kain is edible.
Dante: Hey, am I edible?
Author: Oooooooooooh Yeaaaaaaaaaaah! I'm so twisted right now.
Vincent: Me too!
Kuja: I can't wait till X-2 comes out! The battles will be like playing dress up with Barbies.
Everyone else: .....
Author: just smile and nod.
Kuja: What?! That's what you do!
Author: I know, and that's why I love you, Kuja. Now quit running around without pants on! (throws baggy pants at him) Your thighs are prettier than mine and I'm getting jealous just looking at them!
Everyone else: (stares at her, Kuja puts on the pants)
Kain: (feels up Aeris/Author's legs) Mmmmmmm. (he is soon beaten into the ground by a Star Wars book. Don't ask me why it was a Star Wars book, I don't know.)
Author: Okay! Lets just begin this.
All: Right!
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Somewhere where a peacock was not at, Aeris and her gang of sexy/hot/pretty/edible guys marched up to the gates of Coral. They all observed the piles of wreckage between halfway built houses and growing grass as they went through it. Aeris searched for any sign of her large one- armed friend. She grinned with joy when she could hear the cursing of a deep voiced man and ran to the area she heard him at. Aeris came to a house that was being painted and she saw Barret cursing at the workers because they were using the wrong colored paint.
"Greetings earthling! We come in peace." Aeris said in as deep as a voice she could. Barret looked up and smiled at Aeris, yet that expression changed when he saw Sephiroth and the other strange looking guys.
"Hey der Aeris, who the (#^@ are dose mofos behind that sick assed Sephiroth pussy?!" Barret's tongue was rather hard to understand as he talked in his gangster/rapper voice. Sephiroth immediately didn't like him, not that he was planning to or anything.
"We're all heading to Gold Saucer because I had some unexpected, uh, er, friends drop by." Aeris replied with a warm smile. Barret just nodded slowly with suspicion.
"You sure you ain't startin' no harem of Sephiroth bastards? Cause it sure as hell looks like it!" Barret eyed her carefully. Aeris laughed at the thought of it, yet she noted it wasn't a bad idea.
"No, but Sephiroth is Aeris' stripping bitch." Cid told the burly man Barret and several other guys laughed. Sephiroth was fisting his hands and trying to keep cool.
"No, no, Barret. I see you've been busy rebuilding Coral with the excess gil we got off the whole 'kill Sephiroth' adventure. Good work." Aeris said.
'oh, yeah! Get rich by killing the mislead evil guy, sure.... bastards.' Sephiroth thought in his beautiful head.
"Yeah, it's takin' a while but we're ganna be a prosperous town again!" Barret announced proudly.
"I'm happy for you, oh, and thank you for the beautiful wooden jewelry box you sent me for my birthday, it's quite lovely!" Aeris smiled.
"You're welcome, it used ta be my wife's but I think you should have it. Sniff." Barret began to sob at the remembrance of his wife. Vincent walked over and patted him on the back.
"I mourn with you on the passing of our lost loves." Vincent told him as they both began to moan in grief. Aeris tried to comfort them while the other guys only rolled their eyes.
After Aeris thanked him again, she said goodbye and continued on her way to the Gold Saucer lift gate, followed by the boys. They hurried up and crammed into the lift and waited till it took off. When they arrived at the Gold Saucer entrance, everyone spilled out of the lift car like pudding (can you spill pudding?). They were immediately approached by some fat middle aged bald man in a chocobo suit, (oh, my god! It's my second grade teacher! No, I'm just kidding. My second grade teacher couldn't fit into a chocobo suit if they used butter.)
"Kwi! Welcome to Gold Saucer!" The hyper man said, shoving another Snickers into his mouth through the mouthpiece of the costume. Dante screamed.
"IT'S SATAN!!!!!" He cried out, jabbing a finger towards the now confused man.
"I'm not Satan." The man replied.
"THE HELL YOU'RE NOT!" Dante objected. He pulled out his father's sword and prepared to attack.
"BAH! So you have found me, Pikachu spawn! Have at you!" the man turned into the limbless Monty Python and hopped onto Dante's head, who desperately tried to stab him off. He then hopped off and away, disappearing in a crowd of people in desperate attempt to escape. Dante quickly pursued him with his sword held high in the air, running past the hordes of people. When the people all noticed the Sephiroth uniform Dante wore and his silver hair, they began running insanely about, screaming that Sephiroth had returned to kill them all. However, Dante still followed the escaping Satan.
"Well, I guess we don't have to worry about paying for him. And, it's nice to know that my name still puts fear in the mass' hearts." Sephiroth said when the chaos ceased.
"Ha! I don't need to pay for any of you. I have a lifetime ticket for this place." Aeris chimed, waving the ticket in the air. "Let's go, guys!"
They went in using the ticket and came to the large room that allowed them to decide where they wanted to go. Aeris looked at each slide-thingy and finally turned back around.
"So! Where do we all want to go?" Aeris asked the boys. No reply. She turned around and found most of them arguing.
"I'M TAKING HER!" Sephiroth screamed, kicking the other two guys he was arguing with.
"NO, I'M TAKING HER OUT TONIGHT!" Legolas punched him in the face.
"HELL! I THINK NOT!" Kain bellowed, trying to stab the other off. Aeris was quite flattered but also so excited to go on rides that she became irritated quite quickly. So she walked over and bashed them all over the head with her piko hammer. Blood trickled down all their foreheads.
"How about we draw straws!" Link suggested quite rapidly cheerfully. "Then we can each take turns and spend an hour with her."
"...... Yeah, okay. That's fair." The rest mumbled in agreement.
"Don't I have an consent in this?!" Aeris demanded, suspicious that they had all planned this out.
"Uh.... No. Okay! Each of us draws one! We'll go at the same time, and the one with the shortest wins!" Link replied. Aeris smacked her hand to her head in frustration as Link got the straws (from god knows where.). Link gripped his fingers on the straw he wanted and waited while the other men followed his action. (Vincent was left out, since he only viewed Aeris as a friend.... so far. Heheheh). Once everyone looked out their straws, waves of groans followed one after another. Link stood grinning conceitedly as he held the winning straw. "Oh, look at that! I won! How nifty!"
Everyone else glared with flames rising behind them dramatically. Aeris sighed; thinking that dating her was just a contest and nothing more. Sniffles. But oh how she was wrong. Link walked over to Aeris with his cute little virgin smile spread across his face like warm butter. Butter that could most likely be used for so many things, like toast, toast that taste really gooooooooood. Aeris rolled her eyes and decided to play along. They pranced hand in hand up to the slide thing that led to the Chocobo racing square.
The guys all stood, staring at the hole the couple disappeared down and then finally glancing at one another. Silence was all that could be heard (since Dante, dressed like Sephiroth, scared everyone out of the entrance of Gold Saucer). Speaking of Dante, in the far distance, one could see him still chasing the hopping Satan. But you can only keenly spot him using those Elvin Eyes of Sight. So go buy them, then you will see Dante. It's like going to one of those 3-d films and getting the 3-d specs, only nothing pops out because it's on a computer. Ha! What the hell? I'm confusing myself.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Let us go back to the worlds of the five (sexy, hot, adorable, and erotically coated with dark chocolate sauce) men.. elf included. Chips! Yummmmmmmmmy! First, Legolas' world (Middle Earth, people, Middle Earth.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aragorn and Gimli sat at the bar of the Prancing Pony. (don't ask me why they would travel all the way back there just to try and pick up chicks and drink beer because I will cut you!) Aragorn took another drag at his pipe full of Old Toby. Little Gimli was rosy red from being drunk.
"Mannnnn, we got totally wasted, didn't we?" Aragorn asked.
"Yup, I know I'm plastered, we dwarves always get plastered with fine mead such as this." Gimli replied, downing another pint of beer. "Hey, where'd the pansy elf boy go?"
"Duuuude, I don't know, heheh, but aren't we supposed to be fighting in some war?" Aragorn asked. They sat in silence for a bit and finally shrugged it off, going for more ale and Old Toby in the process.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wow, and you thought Middle Earth was all Fairy tale crap, hell no! Anywho, let's hit the pretty Polly pocket world of Gaia, where Kuja was zapped away from. Hey, does anyone else here hear the Navy song in their head? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey! When is this new boss ganna get here?" A black mage asked. Four black mages stood waiting for the Hilda Garde to arrive.
"They told me they found a new one. He's supposed to be better than Kuja." A second black mage said.
"Let's just hope we don't have to do gay crap for him like we did for Kuja" A third black mage said, shuddering at the thought of having to play dress up again.
"Hey, I think they're here!" the fourth black mage cried, pointing at the flying ship approaching the cave's entrance in Kuja's desert palace. The four black mages watched the ship dock. The walkway unfolded down and black mages came running out. Finally, a black waltz strolled down, followed by a freaky looking man with blue insane hair, weird tattoos on his chest, queer looking clothes and really long arms. The black waltz came to the black mages that stood there staring in halfway confusion and anger. The fourth mage turned to the other mages and whispered. "I thought you guys said he's supposed to be better than Kuja?!"
"Uhhh..." The other black mages replied, not knowing what to say.
"Hey, guys! Here's our new boss! Seymour Guado." The black waltz announced, gesturing to the new man. The black mages were completely silent.
"Helllllooooooo! This place is, like, totally cool! I like the décor, it just, like, makes me want to skip like a mad man!" Seymour said in a half Valley girl, half British voice. Yes, Seymour is British.
"What the hell?! 697, you suck! No way in hell are we going to send you off to get another boss, you keep bringing back queer people!" A black mage yelled at the black waltz.
"He was all I could find!" The black waltz explained nervously as he backed away slowly.
"GET HIM!!!!!!!!!!" The black mages shouted in union, tackling the black waltz to the ground and beginning to beat the crap out of him.
"HELLLLLLPPPPPP! DEAR GODS, SAVE ME PLEAAAAAAASEEEEEEEE!" The black waltz screamed, running away from the black mages that were casting super nova on him. Seymour was busy filing his long nails when he noticed the time.
"OH, MY, GOD! Like! OH! MY! GOD! TLC is ganna be on and Brittny Spears' new music video is sooooooo going to be on!!!!!! Wheeeeeeeeee!" Seymour giggles and runs to find the closet tv.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now we shall take a look at Kain's world, Nosgoth, or is it Nasgoth..... Whatever ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blue wrath like creature popped out of a time streaming device and looked around confused.
"I think I took a wrong turn..." He muttered to himself, scratching his head with his cloven claws. He spots another blue creature about ten yards to his right. He walked up to the form, discovering that it is the legendary Janos Audren. Janos turns and faced him, his great black wings fluttering behind him. "Err, are you that dude that is like all evil and stuff?"
"No, but I'm blue." He replied.
"I can see that, so am I." The blue wrath nodded slowly.
"No, I'm blue as in I'm sad." He told him. "I'm Janos Audren and I don't know why I am here."
"Hey! I don't know why I'm here either! I'm Raziel! I think my name is actually a girls' name but oh well." He said to Janos. They stood in silence for a while. "Hey you wanna go get a drink?"
"What the hell, sure." Janos said and they both walked off and began killing innocent humans for their blood and souls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So much pointlessness and idiocy, gradles of gravy. Anyways, now onto the wonderful world (that is even smaller than a city park) of Hyrule! You know, where Link came from. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Zelda stood in front of her mirror in her room. She was bored. She was also holding her Shiek outfit. She finally put it on and looked like a guy again. You couldn't see it but she was smiling. She soon will not be bored. She or should I say he jumped out of the window and ran outside. Shiek skipped giddily around Hyrule field. He giggled madly as if he was watching Dell commercials. He skipped right into the ass of a horse and fell flat onto the ground, half unconscious. He saw the silhouette of a woman's head block the harmful radioactive gamma rays of the sun.
"Are you okay?!" A familiar voice asked. Shiek sat up wordlessly and looked to see Mallon smiling innocently at him. She didn't seem to recognize Zelda in her disguise. "Why yes, I am." Shiek told her and got up. Mallon looked at him eagerly.
"Do I know you? You seem handsomely familiar." Mallon said, approaching him slowly. Shiek retreated slowly.
"Uh, I really should be going-" Shiek began.
"Aw! You are so cute! Let me buy you dinner, handsome." Mallon stepped up to him.
"Uh, no really, I need to leave." Shiek told her, stepping back more.
"Come now, let's go get a drink, I'm becoming sober again!" Mallon squealed, jumping onto Shiek. Shiek couldn't take it any more.
"I can't do that, Mallon!" Shiek screamed in a girly voice.
"Waitaminute... Are you gay?" Mallon asked. "You ARE wearing tight pants and they make you sound like a girl."
"I am a girl!" Shiek shouted.
"AHAHAHA! You're a guy! You've got a nice ass! Come on, lets go get drunk!" Mallon hung unto Sheik.
"No! Really, It's me! ZELDA!" Sheik pulled off her hood, revealing that he was indeed Zelda, Princess of Hyrule. Mallon still didn't believe this and hung tighter. Zelda finally kicked her off and began to run as fast as she could. Mallon was still giggling as she leaped unto her horse and pursued her hotly. "Quit following me, damn it! I'm Zelda!"
"Cooooooooome onnnnnnnnnnnn, I'll buy the drink!" Mallon called after the running Zelda.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Zelda screamed, hastening her step. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now that we have looked there, let us go to our, uh, world, which we sorta already in if you know what I mean. Of course you don't, oh well. Ha! I'm watching Pirates of the Caribbean. I must say Jack Sparrow is sexy, not to mention Legolas, er, I mean Will Turner. ANYWAY! TOTALLY OF SUBJECT! My bad, sorry bout that. Anyway, we go live to the little, or larger than most, world of Dante. Wait, this is our world. Well mine at least. I don't know about everyone else. Getting of topic, again... Anyway, jeezus crap, just read on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Where the bloody hell is Dante?!" Trish exclaimed. Lucia shrugged, trying on another pair of her new boots out of the hundred she bought. "His girlfriend's on the phone."
"He haz a girlfriend? I thought he vas too much of a loser to pick up any chicks." Lucia said. There was a long period of silence as they stared at each other at the realization of her words. Lucia coughed uncomfortably and asked. "Well who is his girlfriend?"
"Her name is Eva. (Big spoiler for anyone waiting for more of the DMC 3 fanfic I'm doing. Sorry.) She needs to ask him some question on some demons or something. What am I supposed to tell her?!" Trish asked.
"Tell her he is fighting with Satan, again." Lucia told her, lacing up another pair of boots. Trish nodded and attended to the phone again, explaining the situation.
"Yeah... Yeah, uh, okay......No. I don't know when he'll be back.... Okay, I say you called. Okay, thank you, bye." Trish finished and hung up. "Well, she fending off several demons at the moment while she was on her cell, I think I'll go help her. Then Dante will owe me big time."
"Oh! I come too!" Lucia squealed with glee as she strapped on her ideal pair of boots and followed Trish out the door, not forgetting to stop in the kitchen to grab all the kitchen knives. She uses them to throw at her enemies. They both left. Well, it seems as though things aren't well kept in the other worlds. Oh well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aeris: Well, Shiver me timbers, ladies!
Sephiroth: Laddies, we are men, Aeris. And what's with the stuffed parrot and eye patch?
Aeris: Did I not just a moment ago say I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean?! Savvy?
Legolas: Hehehe, I was in that, wait! No, I didn't say that.
Kuja: At the end of the movie, Legolas looked like Red Mage! Feathery hat. Fluffy.
Kain: Pirates are gay.
Dante: YOU DARE DEFY THE PIRATES?!!!?!?!??! DEMON!!!!!!!!!
Kain: KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!! (they attack one another)
Link: Hahaha! Where I come from, there is a neighboring land that has pirates. The best thing about 'em all is that.... They are ALL chicks, man! I think they are lesbians, too, like the Gerudo Thieves. But then, I could be wrong, they could kidnap handsome young men and save them for breeding and what not.
Vincent: sounds intriguing.
Sephiroth: Ha! Finally you talk!
Aeris: you know what would be really cool? Pirate ninjas, or Ninja pirates, whichever way you like. Now THAT would be killer.
Kain: (done fighting) WHY THE HELL ARE WE TALKING ABOUT PIRATES?!?!?!
Vincent: One of the many things we must wonder in life. Just like how Seymour got into Kuja's world when he belongs in Spira, hitting on chaste chicks and fighting against boys with lesbian haircuts.
All stop to think and wonder: .........
Aeris: uh, how did he get in there?
Legolas: Plot development, mister Frodo, plot development.
Sephiroth: she's not Frodo. Speaking of Frodo.... I had a dream that Sauron was fighting on Mt. Doom against the elves and the humans like in the beginning of the fellowship of the ring. He took of the helmet and IT WAS F(^$ING FRODO, MAN!!!!!
Dante: I had a dream like that, except it was Mundus who turned out to be Trish.
Aeris: I also saw the third Lord of the Rings movie today and I LOVED IT, DAMMIT!!!!!!! IT WAS F^&$#@ AWESOME, AND YOU LOOKED SO SEXY ON THE BIG SCREEN, LEGOLAS!!!!!!!! -
Legolas: Thank you
Aeris: THEY HAD TO TIE ME DOWN TO KEEP ME FROM JUMPING ON THE SCREAN!!!!!!!!! (Well, okay, I only got really giddy in my seat, but it still made everyone stare.) I loved the trick when you killed the elephant thing and you slid gracefully off of it when it went BOOM onto the ground. Damn! Hot stuff man! Double douse of Legolas in one day! I cried with joy.
Sephiroth: Don't you mean 'dose'? Double dose?
Aeris: yeah, something like that. Anyways, I'll get to work on the next chapter, sorry for the delay, and happy holidays and whatever the hell you celebrate.
Kain: I'm Jewish.
Aeris: Well, then happy haunicaa or however you spell it.
Dante: I'm Christian!
Aeris: Uh, Merry Christmas -
Kain: KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dante: DEMON!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sephiroth: (hits them both with a lead pipe) SHUT UP!!!!!!! Okay, bye ignorant peoples
Aeris: (wispers to Sephiroth) Don't be mean to the readers! (turns around and waves) Bye! Arrr! Scurvy mates, shiver me timbers! (Sephiroth shakes head in disgust) What?!