Warnings and Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. This fic contains angst, attempted suicide, yaoi (KakaIru), language, alcohol use, near-death, grown men crying, a masturbation scene (hehe…my first…couldn't help it!), a vicarious lemon (remembered moments)

For FFN users who want to see the the lemon - If you just click on my homepage, you'll be magically transported to AFFN – the yummy site that holds my lemons.

It surprised me how upset people were with Kakashi! Don't be mad at him! I'm here to clear his name and show that he had no other choice. He hurt himself as badly as he hurt Iruka…

Broken 2: Kakashi's Choice

About three hours before Kakashi broke up with Iruka…

"Your relationship with Iruka is a danger to the village. I order you to sever ties with him."

"W-What? Hokage-sama! You can't be serious…"

Hatake Kakashi walked slowly to his apartment, remembering the conversation he'd had with the Hokage just a few minutes earlier. The conversation that almost broke him. He knew that he would break later. But not yet. He couldn't break – not until he told Iruka that he meant nothing to him. He was ordered to kill. It was a mission like any other. But this time it wasn't an enemy ninja that he had to kill. It was his own heart. And the heart of the one he loved.

Kakashi stopped a few blocks from his apartment. He suddenly felt weak. He let himself lean against the building to his right, waiting for the dizziness to pass. When he felt like he could continue, he brought his hands up to his face, rubbing them roughly over his exposed eye and the mask that covered his nose and mouth. He was still feeling a little off and was going to lean on the building again, but stopped when he realized where he was. The building was Iruka's apartment.

He laughed: a sick, ironic bark. Whenever he felt like he couldn't go on, like life was too much for him, he would come here. He was following patterns of behavior that he would have to stop for good now. He couldn't go to Iruka when he needed comfort anymore. Not after what he was going to do to the Chuunin. He felt sick again at the thought of what he had to do, but didn't allow himself the luxury of resting. He started walking again.

He thought about everything the Hokage had said. Tried to find a way to get around it. He couldn't. His orders were to break up with Iruka. He wasn't allowed to tell him the real reason why. The Hokage knew them both well enough to know that if he told Iruka why, the Chuunin was persuasive enough to convince him that they could just hide their relationship. They could pretend to hate each other in public, carrying on their relationship in secret. But that wasn't good enough for the Hokage.

If he didn't break up with Iruka, Kakashi would be ordered to kill him. If he refused that order, someone else would be asked to do it. If he couldn't get anyone else to kill the Chuunin, the Hokage would do it himself. And he would make it as painful as he possibly could. Kakashi had no choice.

He had to either break up with his lover or let him be killed. He had no other options.

The Hokage was convinced that an enemy knew about their relationship and that if they stayed together, Iruka would eventually be used against him. Hokage thought that if someone kidnapped Iruka and told Kakashi that he would be hurt or killed if he didn't cooperate, Kakashi would do whatever they asked. Kakashi couldn't argue. He didn't know what he would do in that situation. He would have to choose between letting his lover die and betraying his village.

The choice was simple in his current situation: there was no question of betraying the village or not. No matter what he did, Iruka could no longer be used against him. Either Iruka hated him or Iruka died. A simple choice, really…

If Iruka died, there would be no chance for either of them to be happy. If Iruka lived, at least Iruka could find someone else…

The thought of Iruka in someone else's arms made his heart constrict painfully in his chest. But the thought of Iruka tortured or dying hurt far worse. There really was only one choice.

Kakashi realized he'd stopped walking while thinking about his choices, or lack thereof. He shook his head at himself and looked to see where he was. He laughed when he realized he was still only a block away from Iruka's apartment. He put his head in his hands and shuddered. He slid his hands back, rubbing them over his spiky, silver hair. He was starting to think he couldn't do this. But he knew there was no way out of it. Even if Kakashi himself were to die, Iruka would either kill himself or be killed by the Hokage. His hands clenched in his hair, pulling uncomfortably against his scalp. He shut his eyes tight to keep the tears that threatened to come from spilling out.

He sighed, loosened his grip on his hair, and turned to take one last look at Iruka's apartment. The apartment he would never be spending the night in ever again. His visible blue eye watered and he turned back around, facing toward his apartment several blocks away. He started walking again. There was nothing else he could do.

When he finally got to his place, it had been an hour since his conversation with the Hokage. He looked at his clock and saw that it was four. In two hours Iruka would come here, not realizing that his lover was about to throw him out and tell him… what would he say? How could he do this? What would convince Iruka that he was serious? How could he look the Chuunin in the eye and tell him that he didn't want him anymore without breaking? Kakashi decided to think about it in the shower.

He got undressed and stepped under the steaming water. He winced at the heat, but didn't turn any cold water on. A few minutes later, he started regretting that decision.

While washing his hair, he tried to think of how he could harden his heart and convince Iruka that he didn't love him anymore. Had never loved him. The only way he could think of to do that was to insult the Chuunin so much that he ended up hating him. He had to say something to piss Iruka off so much that he couldn't help but believe Kakashi. But what? He tried to picture the Chuunin. Maybe he could think of something about his appearance to insult.

(See my "homepage" to read the lemon that goes here…)

Kakashi couldn't help thinking about their first time together…

They had only been hanging out for a week or two when Iruka came up to him one day. Blushing.

"What's up, Iruka-sensei?" Kakashi asked with a grin. He was delighted when the dark-skinned little Chuunin just blushed a darker shade of crimson.

"Ummm… nothing much, Kakashi-sensei." The sometimes-shy man replied. Then he took a deep breath. "Wannagooutwithme?" Kakashi thought he heard right, but he wanted to make sure.

"What did you say?" He asked gently, not wanting to embarrass the teacher too much. It had the opposite effect.

"N-nothing, s-sir." The Chuunin immediately turned around, giving Kakashi a tantalizing view of that pert little rear before the Jounin finally realized that Iruka had walked away without asking him out.

"Shit!" Kakashi cursed silently and tried to think of the best way to approach a skittish dolphin. After a few minutes of thinking about how much he'd like to grab said dolphin's butt, he decided that planning this wouldn't work and he would just have to go with the flow. So he disappeared just to reappear in front of Iruka. Iruka gave a startled gasp before back-pedaling so quickly that he lost his balance. Kakashi automatically reached out to grab the Chuunin around the waist to prevent him from falling. When that threatened his balance, he moved his weight back toward Iruka, accidentally rubbing his erection against… Iruka's?

Kakashi knew he was good, but he didn't think he was that good! Elated, he almost forgot that he was dealing with a skittish Chuunin. Said Chuunin reminded him. Forcefully.

SMACK

Kakashi's visible cheek glowed a bright red from the slap. "Nice one, Iruka-sensei!" He told the stunned Chuunin. Iruka somehow managed to blush even more. So cute! "It's all right. I understand. We are in a public place, after all. If you want, we could go to my place and…"

He was expecting another slap. He wasn't expecting Iruka to smile brightly before grabbing his hand and all but dragging him toward his house. Kakashi was so surprised that he just followed obediently. Not that there was anyway he would have complained.

When they finally reached his house (less than a minute later, despite the distance…), Iruka immediately started reaching for Kakashi to kiss him. "Wait until we're inside, dolphin." Kakashi impatiently/patiently told Iruka. Iruka turned yet another shade of red. Kakashi wondered if he were breaking some kind of record. He didn't think cherries got that red. The thought of cherries made Kakashi turn to Iruka and ask, "Is this your first time?"

Iruka stuttered a bit, but Kakashi was able to gather that yes, this was his first time and no, he didn't think he could wait five more minutes for Kakashi to open the door. Kakashi just stared at the delicious, horny man in front of him and slammed his fist into the door right next to the lock. He reached through the hole he'd made and unlocked the door from the inside before pulling it open and shoving the Chuunin in as fast as he could.

He didn't even give Iruka a chance to get his bearings before he was all over him.

(See my "homepage" again to read another lemon at this point…)

I love you.

They had never said the words, but they were always there. Lurking behind looks, gestures, and caresses. How could anyone not love someone like Iruka? So kind, caring, compassionate, cute, loving, sexy, tasty, passionate, delicious, and… Iruka. He was himself and so much more. The one he loved and his only weakness. The words were always there, but they'd never said them. Would never have a chance, now.

TBC?

A/N: Like I said in the fic, check out AFFN to see the whole story. Just click on my name at the top of the page, then click on my homepage (at that website, click on this fic and go to the second chapter.)

Thank you for reading! Please review.