Chapter XIIX. After you have reached maximum pleasure, please reverse your breathing process.
Aeris: (still in a dark closet) Hello and welcome to another addition of Aeris' stupid fic. I love orange soda.
Sephiroth: (opens closet) What the hell are you doing in here?
Aeris: Your mom, that's what.
Sephiroth: O.o My mom's dead.
Vincent: And I'm the one who did her. Heheheh, and let me tell you, she could really do the pretzel well and when she wore that—
Sephiroth: OH GAWD MAKE IT STOP!!!!
Kain: Why are we all in a closet now?
Link: And why is there a sticky substance on the wall?
Legolas: What the hell are you talking about?!
Sephiroth: (touches it) EW! O.o
Dante: Oh, um, that's my milk.
All: ????!?!??!?!!
Kain: You lactate?!
Dante: .... NO, No! I was eating cookies with milk and spilled it on the wall when you guys came in. You scared me! Duh.
Link: Then why is it sticky?
All: ...........
Sephiroth: Let's change the subject, shall we? Um, yea, Shrek 2 was an awesome movie.
Legolas: Yes, yes it was. Puss in boots kicks ass.
Aeris: sigh My life is too confusing right now, I really don't want to continue this fic.... (blairs Incubus music in the background to drown out her sorrows.)
Kuja: (hugs Aeris) it's okay, we understand, sort of. That's why you must continue. Then you'll be complete. Only a few more chapters, Aeris. Only a few more.
Aeris: Well, might as well get this one over with....
Ashley: HELLO!!!!!! (Chases Kuja about the place)
Kuja: HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD!!! HELP!!!!!!
Aeris: sigh .........
Sephiroth: (sits down next to Aeris and huggles Aeris too) What's wrong?
Aeris: Just some crap in my head that is unimportant! Let's get this fic on!
All: YAY!
Aeris: Yea, yea... shut up and get it started.....
Chapter XIIX, which I said already, but oh well. Tis for that certain guy who bitches a lot about me updating. You know who you are. :)
Aeris' began to stir out of her sleep, awakening to birds chirping and a few rays of sunshine stealing into the room. She sat up and stretched with a yawn, which turned into a short surprised scream when she saw Sephiroth staring at her with wide eyes at the foot of the bed. He was back in his Kingdom Hearts outfit instead of the Turk uniform. She quickly covered herself with her covers.
"What are you doing in my room, Sephiroth?!" Aeris demanded in a cross tone. Sephiroth stood up and shrugged.
"I was just watching you, sleeping beauty." He replied in a smooth tone. Aeris glowered at him.
"What did you do?" Aeris inquired slowly.
"I didn't do anything!" He said. "Besides, you would have awoken had I tried something!"
"But you would have done it given a chance." she stated.
"And so I should be punished?" he questioned.
"Exactly, now get out of my room." Aeris told him. Sephiroth turned and grumbled something as he left. She quickly got dressed and tidied up her bed and braided her hair and did more things you'd expect a girl to do in the morning. Finally, she skipped down the stairs and into the kitchen to make breakfast and she found Sephiroth standing next to a full sink, on the verge of tears as he held his hands. Aeris saw his hands all red and puffy. She pointed at them and was about to ask.
"What happened to my hands? Oh, that. Well, you see, I've never cooked before..." Sephiroth told her. Aeris looked at him confused and nodded. He had tried to fix breakfast for her, but failed horribly. However, she took up the job and made waffles. She had everything on the table ready to go, it's just the other guys had not appeared yet. After a few minutes, she decided to go search for the guys and made Sephiroth search as well. She only had to take a few steps into the living room to find some of them. She found Kuja, Link, Legolas and Dante piled on top of each other, still messy and blood covered from last night. The room was no better, it had blood smeared all over the floor. Aeris sighed deeply and fetched a bucket of cold water, coming back with it and pouring it on the men. They all screamed, and soon were shivering from the cold water.
"Ooooooahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaooooo" They all moaned, rubbing their heads and stomachs. The hang over was now kicking in. Kuja and Link both barfed on the other two. Aeris was now covering her nose to try and block out the puissant stench of alcohol, vomit, and blood. She went and brought in several mops, Advil, and cleaning supplies into the room and set them down before the guys, handing them the Advil and mops.
"Now that you guys are awake, I want this room spotless. All the blood and alcohol up, and especially the vomit, there's fabreeze to get the smell out of everything. After that, I suggest you go get more fabreeze and then bathe in it. You all smell like putrid ass monkeys." Aeris told them. "Now, I suggest you get crackin', you aren't ganna get any breakfast till you're all done."
They all let out another moan of hurt as she left. Sephiroth was already back in the kitchen and at the table, shoving waffles into his face. He looked up when she walked past him with her hands on her hips. Aeris looked down at him and lifted an eyebrow. He looked back with an uncertain look and waffles oozing out of his mouth and maple syrup all over his chin and lips.
"Mvat? MVAT?!" Sephiroth tried to ask, while spewing bits of waffles out and his mouth was stuffed. Aeris shook her head.
"And I let YOU kiss me..." She muttered in disgust. "Where's Kain, Vincent and Cid?"
"Vincent's still sleeping in the guest room, Kain is passed out in the backyard in the midst of the neighbor's carcasses, and I think that's Cid's body out in your garden." Sephiroth replied after swallowing another waffle down, he wiped his face and went back to proper table manners. "By the way, these are delicious."
"Thank you." Aeris said, sitting down and piling a few waffles onto her own plate. After they finished, Sephiroth cleaned up his mess in the kitchen and Aeris went outside to tend to her garden. She felt as though she's abused it by not checking it in several days. She made her way over to the garden entrance and began work on the first patch of flowers she saw, pulling out weeds and rearranging the earth as she had always done. About ten minutes into her work, she found where Cid had buried the dead hooker and Cid passed out next to the mounded ground with a shovel and a bottle of whiskey. She stared for a minute then just ignored it all and went to do more work on her flowers somewhere else.
Meanwhile, back within Aeris' kitchen, Sephiroth was dancing to Spice Girls music in his boxers... Oh, gawd! NO! NO WAY AM I HAVING THAT IN MY FIC! No, he was only wiping up the counters to finish the cleaning in the kitchen before going outside. Yeah. I am quite sure that's all... He finished and turned for the door to the front yard, when he heard something large roll uncontrollably down the stairs. Sephiroth turned to see Vincent face down on the ground, half naked still.
"Um, Vin— er, I mean, dad? What the hell are you doing?" Sephiroth asked him as Vincent pushed himself off the ground, moaning a bit.
"Son.... Get the pain killers...." Vincent groaned as he wobbly stood up. "I haven't drank that much since that one time when I was with the other Turks, back in the day when I was one."
"Riiiiiight.... Uh, here you are." Sephiroth handed him a bottle of extra strength Advil. Vincent downed it, and Sephiroth stared at him. "Um, dad! You shouldn't take more than two!"
Vincent stood up straight and faced Sephiroth, clapping him on the back with the sorrowful façade he usually wore on his face. "Son, I just want you to know: life is a black, sucking, vortex of anguish and despair, filled with brief moments of false hope and empty joy, all the while dragging you inevitably closer to final, absolute, and eternal death."
"...Thanks dad." Sephiroth glowered again. He assumed his father was okay, until he passed out cold unto the floor again. Sephiroth grunted and pulled him back up to his room by his feet again.
Back outside, where the Koalas roam... Aeris was trying to rid her rose bushes of all the sticky weeds that had spawned there over the last two days. She had to go behind her house to the tool shed and grab her work gloves. However, when she got back there, she found Kain unconscious in a pile of dead bodies. She gagged at the stench and went to retrieve the hose. Once she got it on, she turned the nozzle to jet stream and sprayed Kain and the dead bodies. Kain woke up howling in sheer agony, his skin was now sizzling and melting. Aeris turned off the hose nozzle and crossed her arms.
"IT BUUUUUUUUUURNSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRNSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kain howled as some skin began to slide off his chest and more smoke came off him.
"I want the dead bodies off my property and this mess cleaned up or you'll get the hose again." Aeris told him. He shrieked and immediately picked up the bodies, jumping out of her sight with them. "thank you. Now, to find those gloves."
Aeris dug around and eventually found her gardening gloves and closed her shed door. High above the unsuspecting Aeris, loomed an ominous evil. The being's blood red eyes peeled as the being continued to watch everything below. The evil being watched as the young woman made her way around her yard and back into her garden and towards the bush she had been working on. A movement back inside the house was the only thing that distracted the evil's attention. It was Him. He came outside and found the woman that had been working in the garden. They began to converse.
Sephiroth tried to talk to Aeris sweetly. However, Aeris remembered what he had done to her window in attempt to hit the drunken men last night. She told him to go fix her window that he destroyed with a lawn gnome. He hung his head and went to find the hammer and nails again. He made his way to the shed this time and dug through it to discover the hammer and nail, right where he had them last time. Sephiroth was no carpenter and was wondering how he could nail glass together when he heard a female scream. Madly, Sephiroth raced back out into the yard and up through the garden entrance.
"Aeris! Did you scream?!" Sephiroth looked around for any signs of Aeris. Yet he only found Link and Legolas, standing together and looking up.
"No, that was I screaming. Look Sephiroth!" Link said, pointing upwards. Sephiroth immediately diverted his attention up about him. Ten feet above their heads loomed a man in a black cloak, the hood up shadowing his face. However, he wasn't just floating about in the air, he had a pair of leather- looking demon wings. Wings that you'd expect a dragon to have. Even though his face was obscured, they knew where his eyes were looking. The man had glowing red eyes the color of blood. He was holding Aeris tightly, with one arm around her waist and another holding a sword similar to Sephiroth's Masamune under her throat. Aeris didn't move what so ever, yet had a look of pure fright and pain on her face.
"AERIS!!! Vincent?! Is that you!?" Sephiroth demanded with doubt. He heard a crash behind him. Sephiroth turned to see the real Vincent in the bushes, he had fallen out of the window. The cloaked figure let out a low snigger. His voice pitch was the same as Sephiroth's.
"WHAssgoinnnnnnngggggggggggggooooooon!?" Vincent slurred due to his overdose w/ the Advil and the hangover that still stuck fast with him. He sluggishly tried to struggle out of the bushes. Kuja and Dante came outside and saw the whole scene. Then Kain popped up out of nowhere with his skin partially healed. Everyone was now looking up at the cloaked evil that had taken Aeris hostage.
"So, this is what you turn into once you are defeated by a failed experiment? A weak slave to some woman? She must hold some sort of power. Power that I should possess." The figure rebuked with harsh words. His voice, indeed, was the same as Sephiroth's.
"Who are you!!?" Sephiroth was purely stunned by this, as was everyone else. The red eyes went into a colder glare, squinting evilly at questioning man.
"I am you, only better." He replied, taking the sword away from her throat to slide back his hood. Silver hair fell out, just as long as Sephiroth's, if not longer. His facial features were exactly to his, with the exception of the cold red stare he gave. "I was the only true clone, successfully developed after your birth. I am more powerful than you by at least 3 fold; stronger, faster, able to adapt quickly to a surrounding environment far more effectively than you could ever hope to. However, my power came at a price. It took an addition 2 years for me to fully develope into what you see now. I was held in the lab beneath the Shinra mansion in Nibelhiem, in a hidden test tank behind one of the bookcases. I am—"
"Look, buddy, you might want to know, I don't give a shit about your Sephiroth fan clubs you got going or the whole 'trying to relive your life to make it like mine'. Let go of my woman and F&# off before you really piss me off!" Sephiroth put in, fuming with rage now. Sephiroth had his Masamune out and in his striking pose.
"How quaint. But hasn't anyone ever told you it's rude to interrupt?!" The man demanded, hurling a ball of flames at Sephiroth, which he easily dodged. "As I was saying... I am called DamIan! Mwahahahah!"
"Save the apartheid boycott of the lesbian Nazi lettuce growers for Jesus of the nuclear whale, batman! He's ganna kill us all!" Dante screamed. "Wait a minute? You're a test tube baby, aren't you?"
"That's something I've never heard before...." Legolas was heard rambling.
"Ambiguity – the devil's volleyball." DamIan replied.
Sephiroth let out a yell and attacked DamIan fiercely with his Masamune. DamIan effortlessly parried and they ensued in a fleeting sword battle. DamIan, however, knew every move he was going to make and only parried. Aeris was still in the man's grasp as the two warriors jolted around the air, she now knew how a rag doll felt when carried by a jumpy seven year old. She was hoping she wouldn't fall, for they were about 30 feet in the air as this happened. Finally, after a yawn, DamIan deflected another strike from Sephiroth to the side, bringing his own sword in and connecting it with Sephiroth's rib cage. Blood spewed into the air and rained down upon the ground. Aeris screamed as she watched Sephiroth's body fall to the ground like a dead weight. Aeris' eyes began streaming out tears as she tried to struggle out of DamIan's grasp. Legolas, Link, Kuja, Dante, and Vincent stumbled over to Sephiroth's body to see if he was dead.
"Hahahahha! You thought you defeat me? You are weaker than I thought. I will reign over this pathetic planet, succeeding what you could not! I shall summon meteor and use the planet's energy to become a god! For I have the black materia!" DamIan switches Aeris to the other arm with the sword so that he could pull out a black orb that seemed to suck in light around it. It was as large as a baseball, yet powerful enough to destroy worlds. You all should know what it is, if you don't, you're gay like that. Go play Final Fantasy 7. I command it. Anyways... DamIan spread his demonic wings out and beat them, gaining altitude. "Later, big brother!"
"SEPHIROTH!!!!!!" Aeris managed to scream between her sobs.
Rapidly, DamIan soared up into the air and off towards the sky with a crying Aeris in his possession. He didn't get very high up when everyone below heard him yelp. They all could see Aeris' body fall as she shrieked in panic. DamIan, however, swooped down and grabbed her before flying back up. They could all hear him shout at her before they disappeared into the clouds; "QUIT BITING ME DAMMIT!"
Vincent looked around a bit and then looked at Sephiroth's corpse. He turned to and looks at you people out there. "Um, is there a white mage in the audience?"
Everyone was too shocked to know what to do. They all checked on Sephiroth. His chest was sliced clean open, yet not much inside was damaged. He was amazingly still breathing but was about to go into shock. Kuja had everyone clear back as he used what little white magic he knew on Sephiroth. His curaga spell sealed up Sephiroth's chest and pulled him back into consciousness. Sephiroth's eyes shot open with rage and he immediately got up and grabbed his sword.
"AERIS!!!!! WHERE DID THAT (%$(% &$%# (&#$%($%(&#&#$ #%)& &# $(&& %&$% $% )(&%&$)(&% &$()&%$%#(&&%$%$%&)&$%&$%)&& %$( &&%$&$ )&%$&$ )()(&%$ %( GO?!?!!!!!!!!!!" Sephiroth exclaimed to no one in particular. Cid, who also just regained consciousness next to the buried hooker, walked over to Sephiroth and patted his back while wiping away a single tear from his eye.
"You've %$(ing learned well in the ways of cursing. I am (%$ing proud." Cid told him.
"That DamIan guy took off north with Aeris." Link told Sephiroth.
"I have to save her, who knows what that sick ($%$er will do to her!!!" Sephiroth shouted. He looked down at his now shredded trench coat and growled, ripping it off. Oo Sephiroth let out a surge of energy, growing the single black wing from his back. Without any warning, he launched himself into the air in pursuit of the kidnapping clone. Cid and Vincent, still trying to get back into the sober level.
Kain's eyes were fiery yellow and burning with fury as he held his Soul Reaver. Kuja's aura was filling with electric flames, his eyes glowing dark as well. Dante had gone into his demonic form. Link and Legolas had their swords and bows out and ready. Vincent and Cid looked at all the livid guys, then looked at one another. Cid sighed and mumbled curse words as he went for the keys to the Highwind. Vincent went to find his clothes; he was still only in his pants. Once everyone was ready and boarded onto the Highwind, Cid lit up another cigarette in the cockpit and spoke into the microphone. His disgruntled voice rang throughout the Highwind from its speakers as he began to take off the ground.
"Welcome aboard Highwind Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab in the buckle and pull tight. It works just like any other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate on, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting them with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide no which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken cloud, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Highwind Airlines. )%$# you all and hang the (%$ on!" Cid said before he put it in overdrive, after Sephiroth and DamIan.
Aeris: I'll filter you all.
Kain: Heheheh, all night long? (Gets smacked with a penguin by Aeris)
Aeris: Ahhhhhh, I feel better now that this chapter is complete. I think this chapter didn't have enough funnies in it though. I've given up my time to dedicate it to this fic, ignoring my homework. Which, I might add, has now killed my grades, condemning me to work at a fast food restaurant. Then later, a homeless woman, just like those Everquest fanatics. I hope you're all happy. You better ($ing be! And I demand 10 more reviews after this! Or you can all kiss my arse!
Sephiroth: We love you.
Aeris: Shut up Sephiroth. Now, because you have all demanded it! Me, Yuffie, and Tifa here—
Tifa and Yuffie: Hey.
Aeris: Will get down to nothing but these skimpy thong bikinis and wrestle one another in this pit of chocolate sauce.
Sephiroth: We love you even more!
Vincent: ........... (Thinking naughty thoughts)
Kuja: I have that tickling sensation in my swimsuit area.
Link: I'm so confused!
Dante: GET THE POPCORN!!!!
Kain: YEA! Wait, how about, instead of chocolate, you make it blood!
Aeris: Well, originally we were going to go with mud, but the girls and I didn't want to lick mud off each other, so we made it chocolate. But blood, I think we've killed enough homeless people in one year, Kain. We don't want to rid the US of most of its people, now do we?
All the guys except Link: Can we join in?!?!
Aeris: No. Only one man can join in! (The guys all begin to fight for it.)
Goughnour: (Walks in.) Hola. What's going on?
Aeris: (looks at the group of fighting guys, too busy to notice Goughnour) Welllllll.... Come with us, and you'll find out!
Yuffie and Tifa: (grab Goughnour and carry him off, following Aeris out of the room and towards the chocolate sauce) Whheeeee!
Fighting Guys: (stop fighting and look around) WHERE'D THE GIRLS GO?!!?!?!
Link: (who had been watching the whole time) I believe they went off without any of you, yet took the Goughnour. I guess you all are one can short of a six pack.
Guys: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: Yes. So, now that we've fitted enough sexual content in here to over turn an elephant, though I'm confused on how that would work, we must bid you all out there in the audience a farewell for now. Don't forget to review, please! And remember kids; no one is allowed to touch you in your swimsuit area. Later all.