7 – Tanto

Teaching at the academy was the best decision I could have made. At least that's what I told myself everyday because I honestly believed it would come true if I did. It was ten months since I became a chuunin, ten months since my father died and I was trying to rebuild my life.

My teammates helped me as best they could in the beginning. They called relatives, made the arrangements, even cooked for me. But they couldn't take away the pain or emptiness his passing had left within me. As the months passed on, I realized nothing would.

Hokage-sama had given me time off but being alone in the empty house had made things worse. I found myself finding any excuse to get out of there. Long walks through town, shopping trips for things I didn't need, anything to keep myself busy and to try to forget.

I passed by the academy a lot and would end up just sitting under the trees there to relax. This place was filled with such happy memories for me. I could see Lee chasing after the boys who said he couldn't be a ninja. I remembered the way Neji would stroll by confidently, ignoring all the squealing fan girls. I remembered the lunches we shared, the jokes we laughed over.

The past was this beautiful place that I wanted to live in. A place where my father welcomed me home and my friends didn't have a care in the world. Now Lee was still trying to fully recover from his injuries while Neji was training for the jounin exam. And my father…

I took the job of weapons teacher because the Academy was the only place I could find peace. It was hard at first. I honestly felt bad for all the senseis that had to put up with us over the years. But pretty soon, the kids realized how good I was at what I taught and they came to respect me.

It wasn't perfect but it was a start. I left the old house and rented a small apartment near the school. Most of the things from home didn't fit so I just sold them. I had a bit of money saved up and had calculated that a few more years as a teacher meant I could buy a house anywhere I wanted.

I should have been happy. Most people thought I was. But not Lee and Neji. I had lunch with Lee one day and he saw through everything before the food had even arrived.

"I'm the best teacher the academy has had in a while," I told him as if trying to justify my decision.

"Then why do you look so miserable?" he demanded.

"I'm not miserable," I retorted.

"I've know you for years," he replied softly. "You never told us when you were unhappy but I could tell. Your eyes don't shine the same way they do when you're happy."

I ended lunch early, making up some lame excuse about grading papers. There was a voice in the back of my head that was always saying the same thing. It was hard enough to drown that out. I didn't need to hear it from Lee too.

I shouldn't have been surprised when Neji showed up at the end of class the day after. He and Lee didn't always get along but for some reason, they always managed to team up against me. The worst part was that Neji didn't say anything for a long time. He just stared at me with those unreadable eyes of his until he finally decided to grace me with some words.

"Why are you still here?" he demanded.

I blinked because for a moment, I thought I was back in the hospital recovering from my fight with Temari.

"The kids just got let out," I replied crisply. "I wanted to finish up…"

"No," he interrupted. "Why are you still here, in this place instead of out doing missions with us?"

I hated him so much at that point. I had spent ten months trying to construct this life and he was treating it like it was nothing. Like it was some whim I had gone on and gotten too caught up in.

"This is what I do now," I replied, collecting the papers on the desk.

"Are you joking?"

My grip on the papers tightened. "I'm sorry that you disapprove," I spat. "But this is my decision."

"This is not a choice," Neji replied. "It's a place to hide."

And with that, he had nailed the problem right on the head. All the careful constructed lies of starting over and finding my place in the world were gone. I was hiding. It was obvious to everyone but me. But that was because I had wanted it that way. And Neji had ruined it.

"It's what I want to do," I continued trying to maintaining my façade.

"You're wasted here," Neji said. "Even the teachers say you're overqualified."

"They're just being nice," I tried. "Just because I'm good at one thing…"

"You are great at many things," he interrupted. "And teaching is not the way to best use them. Konoha needs…"

"Konoha needs too much," I yelled back. "Why did Konoha do for me? For my father? They let him die while I was away. I didn't even get the chance to…" I stopped and dropped the papers on the desk. I was resolute in my decision to never cry after the funeral.

"Do you think I didn't think like that when my father died?" he demanded. "When I was a child, do you think a day went by when I didn't blame Konoha and my own family for his death?"

I looked up at him and saw the strain in his eyes, not from Byakugan but from something more. If I had been in the right frame of mind, I would realize for the first time since I had met him, Neji was starting open up.

"I did," he continued, the knuckles in his hand turning white from the strain. "Until I realized that there was no one to blame. It was just…"

"Fate?" I laughed bitterly.

"His choice," he replied. "Just like it was your father's to not tell you how sick he was. Our parents sacrificed so much to give us peace. They did so by protecting us as best they could from harsh reality and they did so by serving this village. All the people here do.

"And they all die," he continued. "In their bed at an old age or fighting to protect this village, everyone dies. But at least our fathers could die knowing that they had given us the best chance possible. Their decision was to give everything they had so that was true. And you're wasting his effort by rotting away in this place."

"Get out," I finally said. I didn't want to hear anymore.

"Do you really think he would be happy to see you like this?"

"GET OUT!"

He waited a few more seconds but I couldn't bring myself to even look at him. I wanted to throw everything in the room at him. I wanted to make him shut up and go away. My father died, he died alone and it was my fault.

By the time I managed to collect myself, Neji was gone. I left the papers on the desk and started to walk home, hoping the night air would help calm my nerves. But it didn't. Instead I found myself heading to the one place I had tried to avoid for so long.

It was empty and cold but that was hardly a surprise. The weeds had started to take over and a few of the windows were broken. The place I had grown up in was starting to fall into disrepair.

I remembered how proud my father was when we moved here from the tiny apartment he had above his master's house. He had used every last cent he had saved to set up his own smithy. But he was so happy that he was no longer somebody's apprentice.

It came back to me, all the hours he had spent toiling at the forge while I was away. How no matter how tired he was, he always managed to spend time listening to me talk about the academy. How it never mattered how much work got backlogged while he taught me how to use a different weapon. How there was always food on the table and new clothes if I needed them.

In every memory I had, my father was there, in the background and always ready with a helping hand. Neji was right, of course. All my father had wanted for me was a good life. And he knew how much it would have hurt me to know he was sick.

"Tenten."

I jumped at the female voice. I didn't recognize it but it had said my name with such familiarity. I looked at the source and found myself face to face with a dream. It was strange because I was sure that my memory of her was warped by childhood fantasies. Only staring at her now, I realized everything I remembered was true.

She was beautiful, long brown hair elaborately piled on the top of her head, brown eyes that were immaculately lined with liner and makeup. Porcelain skin and soft hands that wrung nervously at the edges of the elegant kimono she wore. She was the image of perfection.

I couldn't say anything. What do you say to a mother you haven't seen in more then a decade? So she had to do the talking. "I guess you know how I am. Your father… wanted me to come see you after he died."

"You knew?" I asked, suddenly finding my voice.

She nodded a bit. "He wrote to me… often. I wanted to see how you were growing up."

"Why?" I demanded, suddenly very bitter. "You left us, why should you have cared?"

She didn't look hurt, just very sad. "I didn't want to leave. But my family…" She let out a sigh. "It was complicated. I just couldn't stay."

I eyed her suspiciously. "So why are you here now?" There was only one reason for her return in my mind. "I don't have to come back with you. I can do fine on my own."

She shook her head. "I wouldn't ask. I know how much this place means to you," she whispered. "When I left, I wanted you to come with me but… even back then your father knew that the life I had would not suit you." She smiled. "He was always good at that, you know. As a baby, you would cry and he would know exactly what you needed."

She trailed off, somewhat uncomfortable. I watched her movements, trying to search for a reason that she would come back here, now.

"He was worried about you," she said, answering the question on my mind. "He was afraid that… you might get lost after he was gone." She looked around the house with a small frown. "I think he was right."

"What would you know," I replied, leaning against the wall.

"I know that he was proud of you," she said. "Every letter was filled with stories of what you had done. How you had improved on one skill or learned a new one. But I know he was worried at the same time. He always thought he wasn't giving you the best life possible. And then he would wonder if you wouldn't have done better with me."

She paused and looked at the house, as if taking in the whole thing and not just the decaying outside. "I think he was wrong about that. I could have given you the life of a lady but… I think only he could give you the life you were made for."

She looked down at the ground. "I didn't come here to bring you with me. I just wanted to make sure you knew how proud he… how proud both of us are of what you have become." She shook her head. "He was a fool to worry. We both know he was the best parent you could have ever had."

I started to cry. And this mother who I barely knew was consoling me. She was hugging me and trying to get me to calm down. But I was lost in her words and in Neji's. Why did he do all he did for me? I didn't understand why he would sacrifice so much just to give me a good life.

I felt so guilty too though, for hiding from things and finding comfort in the past. It wasn't what he would have wanted. He had chosen to die alone so I could take the exam without worrying about him. The tradeoff was unfair in my mind but as Neji had said, he had made a choice.

After a while, I walked her back to her carriage and we said good-bye. She wanted me to write and I said I would try. Before she left, she reached into the obi of her kimono and pulled out a small black dagger.

"Your father said he often gave you new weapons when he wanted you to learn a lesson," she said. "I only have one but I want you to have it."

I looked at it and instantly knew what it was. A tanto, a small blade that many women kept on them for defense. I pushed it out of the sheath and saw the mark of my father on the blade.

"It was the first thing he ever made by himself," she said. "I've always kept it close, to remind me of him. But I think you need it more now."

I nodded dumbly. "Thanks. I just… don't understand why he…"

She smiled and put a hand on my cheek. "Someday you will."

I watched the carriage disappear and ended up standing in the dark for much longer after that. I didn't understand the reasons why a parent would sacrifice that much but I knew too that I couldn't let him down. I headed home, back to our old house, to draft the letter of resignation for the Academy.