Title: Losing Everything and Finding Yourself
Author:Willow
Genre: General/Romance
Type: Movie/TV Show
Show: Grey's Anatamy
Rating: M (Mature-for language, violence and sexual situations)
Characters: All
Pairings: Derek/Meredith; Derek/Addison; Addison/Mark; Mark/Meredith; Burke/Christina; Alex/Izzy; Izzy/George (Almost everyone in the show will go through emotional issues so the pairings are almost infinite)
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot lines that weasel their way in through my mind and the paper I originally wrote this on.
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Losing Everything and Finding Yourself
Chapter 1. Nothing Really Matters
December 13, 2005
11:15 pm
Addison
I don't know what to make of what Derek just said. He loves her? But he chose me. I don't understand. I thought he loved me. I thought that was why he chose me. I thought that was why we were trying to work this out, why we were back together, because he loved me. But if he loves her then why did he choose me? Obligation of our marriage vows? That would be stupid.
But as I sneak a glance at Derek and at his features wreathed in pain and sorrow I realize that that is Derek. I sigh and close my eyes because I know it now. He loves her. He was just making it work with me because of our vows. He was doing it out of obligation. A sense of honor. That is so like Derek. To do something just because it is the 'right' thing to do. Oh god what am I doing?
I clear my throat as I stand up. His eyes are on me. His blue eyes that are no longer warm and loving, or even pleading to just leave him alone. No...they are just empty. He's looking at me and there is nothing in his eyes. It's like he's dead. Oh god, I've done this to him.
I realize I've been standing for awhile now without moving or saying anything. I've even caught the attention of the bartender. "I have to go. We can pick out gifts another time." I pick up my purse and grab my coat off the back of the chair.
"Addison please." his voice trails behind me as I flee the bar.
I should have known better. I should have realized when he was so reluctant to do anything together even after he'd 'chosen' me. I mean, my god, could I have been more oblivious to what was so obvious? He'd waited over two months to do anything but give me an occasional kiss and even then he didn't act like he was happy about it.
I blink back tears furiously as I find my way to my car. I shouldn't drive. I really shouldn't. I've had at least two glasses of wine that I can remember and I know that if I am pulled over and given a sobriety test I won't pass. In fact I will probably fail with flying colors. But as I insert the keys into the ignition I really can't say that I care.
Even as minutes later I skid on the icy road, as I am heading back to the hospital to clear my head, and cross into the opposing lane to find headlights coming right at me with no time to really react I don't care. All I can think is that nothing really mattered. He didn't love me, he never really had. I was just an obligation.
I close my eyes and exhale as the sound of metal meeting metal fills the air. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
December 13, 2005
12 am (midnight)
Derek
Sirens have been blazing in the not-so-far-off distance for the past half hour of so. But it doesn't really matter to me. Unless my pager goes off I know that no one has been so seriously hurt as if to need my help or they were beyond my help from the start.
I take another gulp of scotch for the glass in front of me and fiddle with the three beer nuts left in the bowl on the table. I hadn't meant to hurt her. I really hadn't. But then again no one ever really means to hurt someone. It just happens.
I get angry for a moment and gulp down the rest of my drink in one swallow. I mean, how was I supposed to know that she hadn't realized after all this time that Meredith wasn't just revenge or some stupid fling? Couldn't she have figured it out form the therapy sessions and how I avoided questions about what Meredith and I had done together and how we met? I mean, come on, it's been a little over two months.
Glancing around the bar I signal to Joe to fill up my glass. I bet Addison didn't realize that this bar was the bar I had mentioned meeting Meredith at during one of our first therapy sessions. She wouldn't have stepped one foot inside if she'd known. She would have pitched a fit if I'd even suggested it.
"Beep. Beep."
I lean over and retrieve my pager from the pocket of my coat where it is going off. It's the hospital. The accident must have been bad. Dammit. I want to get drunk. Completely sotted. That's honestly when I sometimes do my best thinking. At least when it comes to emotional issues or relationships. Except when I was with Meredith. I never needed to drink when I was with her. Dammit. I need to stop doing that, thinking about her. I love her, yes, but I chose Addison. And I have to do the right thing by her. No matter what.
My beeper goes off again and I decide to just head in rather than call. Besides if Addison went back to the trailer I don't want to be there when she decides it is time to talk. I'd much rather be in the operating room.
I pull on my coat and pass a couple of twenties to Joe. They'll probably pay up my shots for the past two days or so. I head out to my car trudging through the light sleet and snow mixture that is raining down and covering the ground. I had better be careful driving. It would be easy to slide in this. I start to drive towards the hospital when I notice the flashing lights are on the road between the hospital and the bar and the cops had both lanes blocked off. I was going to have to drive on the side of the road to get around the accident.
As I pull alongside the accident and show my work identification badge to the police officer I notice how bad the wreck really is. A head-on collision the cop states. Apparently one of the cars heading to the hospital skidded on the ice and slammed straight into a car carrying three people coming from the hospital. The police officer said that all the people involved had been transported to the hospital already after having been cut out of the car except for the driver who had skidded on the ice and who was unharmed and would be taken to the station for a blood alcohol test and a round of questioning.
I begin driving again as my pager resumes its beeping. No doubt one of those three hit needs my help. As I pull clear of the wreck the person being placed in the back of the cop car catches my attention. It's a woman wearing a black faux fur coat like the one I bought for Addison three Christmas's ago. But it doesn't matter and I drive on knowing that someone needs my help because of that woman's thoughtless actions.
December 13, 2005
ll:10 pm
Meredith
It was the smiles. That's what it was. It didn't fix it but it made it better. The smiles on those kid's faces made the holidays bearable. At least for a few hours.
I even laugh as the puppy Izzy and I picked out from the local pound chases George around the parking lot as we head to the car. Isobel and I share a smile as we proceed to chase after them and grab the leash before the puppy manages to playfully bite the seat of George's pants like he so clearly had in mind.
I still can't figure out whose idea it was to bring the dog to the hospital for the kids on the surgical ward to play with. It think it was Izzy's after all she is the happy holidays one. I just remember laying under the tree looking at all the blinking twinkling little lights when suddenly we were heading out the door, Izzy restraining the dog from scaring George too much.
The kids had been so happy to see a live dog that their little faces had lit up and laughter had been heard in a room that was usually noted for its silence. Bailey and Webber had come running only to smile and then leave again as their pagers went off. It had been fun but even on the holidays and for such a special guest there were rules and we were asked to leave after about an hour or so.
Which brought us to where we are now. In the parking lot slipping around on the slushy ice while trying to get a dog back in the car so we could go back home and get a few hours of sleep before our shift the next morning.
I slide into the driver's seat and slip the key in the ignition and quickly turn on the heater and defroster while Izzy and George try to convince the pup to get up into the car. Finally in desperation George climbs into the backseat and Izzy laughs as she quickly closes the door behind the puppy who is now licking every inch of George's face that it can reach.
"Yuck! Why am I in the back with the dog?" George complains to me and Izzy as I slip the car into reverse and begin to back up.
"Because" Izzy retorts, "You are a man and men are like dogs. I thought the two of you would enjoy each other's company."
"Not everyone is like Alex, Izzy." George says quietly as he gets the dog under control.
I laugh, "Oh of course not George. Some are like Dr. Shepherd." Sarcasm is just dripping from my voice as I shift into first gear and then second. Everyone is quiet as we exit the parking lot.
I almost wish I hadn't said it. Not because it isn't true but because it still hurts. Just saying his name aloud hurts. Why did it still have to hurt? He chose her not me. He made his choice and I got over it. Didn't I?
I drive carefully, slowly on the freshly iced over roads lost in my thoughts. He's trying to make a second go of it with her. With Addison. With his wife. How differently this could all be right now if only I hadn't turned him away that night at his trailer after he told me everything. If only I had listened with my heart and not my pride. Maybe we would have gotten back together. Maybe we would be together and she wouldn't be here to torment me. I know she's not doing it on purpose but she is tormenting me. Every time I see them together it rips my heart open anew.
Well that answers that doesn't it? I guess I am not as over him as I thought I was.
That's weird. Those lights look like they're coming straight for us. Oh god! Their car skid!
"Mer! Look out!"
Izzy's scream is resounding in my head as the other car finishes crossing into our lane. There's no time to brake, to turn or do anything. The car crashes into us and all I can think of is that it really doesn't matter. Not anymore.
December 13, 2005
11 pm
Mark
What am I doing? Why am I even on this plane? What was I thinking coming here I wonder as I pick up my luggage at the baggage claim. I should have just stayed in New York. I don't even know why I came.
It's really got to be one of two choices. Either I came to attempt to get Derek's friendship back or I'm here to win Addy back. It has nothing to do with the case that I was referred on. Oh god what am I doing?
Walking out of the airport I realize Seattle really isn't all that different from Manhatten. Sure you can see more trees and land and it's not all buildings but it's the same dismal weather in both cities. Slushy, icy, snowy winter weathers. I never got used to it like Addy said I would and I definitely never liked it the way Derek said I eventually would. I hate the cold.
It was one of the few things that Derek and I didn't have in common but Addy and I did. We both hated cold weather. Present tense actually we both hate cold weather.
I hail a cab and smile as I remember how three years ago Derek had given Addy a black faux fur coat and I gave her a matching muff and hat. She had hugged me and kissed him claiming to be equally delighted.
After informing the cab driver to take me to a hotel, and then wait for me and then take me to Seattle Grace Hospital after I came back out, I leaned back trying to get comfortable on the seat.
It's time to make that decision. Now or never. Which will it be? Derek or Addy? My best friend or the woman whose passion had matched mine for awhile? Derek. I choose Derek. Women I can get by the dozens but Derek is my best friend and that is hard to come by. I mean we've been friends since middle school. We went through college together. It's too much to throw away because of a stupid red-head.
As long as he hasn't hurt her. If he's hurt her then well I'll just have to hurt him. Just because I want to patch things up with him doesn't mean I haven't forgiven him for being so distant and cold to her. I love her. But since she came here after him it is pretty obvious she doesn't want me. And I can be cool with that. I can stand by and watch them together as long as he doesn't hurt her again.
The cabbie waits for me outside the hotel as I check in and have my baggage sent up to my room. I go back outside and almost slip in the three steps it takes to reach the car door. God I hate the snow.
We head towards the hospital and I think about the look on Derek's face when he found me and Addy. I can forgive him and let go of her as long as he hasn't hurt her.
If he has...all bets are off.
It's just past midnight as my driver slows down to go around the remains of an earlier wreck. Frowning I stare at one of the crunched cars being towed away wondering at the nagging thought at the back of my mind. Where have I seen that car before? As we drive completely past I notice the gold and silver mardi-gras beads hanging down from the review mirror. I know those beads. I gave the gold strand to Addy two years ago when we were all in New Orleans for the holiday. Oh god. Addy was in the wreck!
My heart leaps into my chest and my stomach performs backflips as the cab pulls up to the hospital. Please dear god let her be okay!
I race to the nurses desk after throwing some money at the cabbie and ask about the people involved in the wreck. She calmly tells me that the two women who were brought in are upstairs and the gentleman had already been looked at and discharged. He'd followed the two women upstairs.
Nodding I yelled my thanks back to her as I run towards the elevator. Pressing the button that would take me to the surgical floor the doors close just as a man comes racing in the entrance heading for the stairs.
Let her be okay. As long as she's okay everything with be fine. Because if she's not okay then nothing will matter. Nothing.
Continued in Chapter 2 - Too Close