Asylum
By Katsuya Kaiba
Sethe led Zahra to a far end of the temple that he'd never seen before, and the sheer size of the thing didn't really strike him until just then. The hallways begin to get darker as well, not having near so many light sources as the more accessible area of the temple had, and the shadows on the walls flickered and stirred as Zahra walked by them, closely behind Sethe. He didn't like the dark so much.
"Where are we going?" Instead of answering, Sethe turned into a doorway, the second to last one left until the hall itself ended in a stone wall. This room wasn't as big as the shrine had been, but it wasn't nearly as small as the room they had just left, either. There were only three bookshelves against the far wall, but there wasn't a single book in the entire room. On the shelves were bottles and containers, small wooden and gold boxes and all sorts of strange things that Zahra had never seen before. In the very center of the room was a table, a wooden one, but it was completely bare, and Zahra looked up at Sethe before he moved into the room.
"Come in. It's a working room, there isn't anything to make you sick in here." Zahra stepped in cautiously, then as realized that he felt exactly the same, he moved more towards Sethe, waiting to see what he meant for him to do in here. He couldn't ask right at the moment, knowing that Sethe was after him to do something, but in awhile he would have to demand that Sethe explain to him just why he had felt so awfully in that other room. "Any spells that aren't part of a ritual have to be done in here."
Zahra's eyes widened as he heard the priest. "You're not going to make me cast a spell…are you?" Sethe set his book down on the empty table and walked over to the bookshelves, digging absentmindedly through the items.
"Not alone…no." He spoke with his back facing Zahra, searching for the spell components. "But this is a good opportunity for me to see what you can do. If you can do anything at all. Having divine sight doesn't necessarily mean that you'll be creative enough to control Heka. But honestly…" Sethe turned away from his search and eyed Zahra curiously for a moment, "if you can't, I'll be surprised. I'd be surprised to find much of anything you can't do. But I need your help to find out. You have to tell me if you feel strange or differently at anytime, or if you find that you're experiencing something like what you did this morning. Something new. I know that you have the Neter Maa, but it's so strong that it might be running over into your other senses, as well."
Zahra thought about that for awhile as Sethe moved to the next shelf and pushed around a few boxes.
So this Neter Maa is limited to sight, then. But how does that explain my hearing? It wasn't just the reading that I could do…I could hear them, also. Oh…Sethe doesn't know. Should I tell him…yes. If something's not right, he'll know if anyone does.
"Sethe…?"
"Hmmm?" He didn't turn away from the shelf to speak as he was collecting things in his hands, and Zahra followed him as he carried a few of the items over to the table in the middle of the room.
"I think that I can do something that I didn't say anything about." Sethe looked up as he was arranging things on the tabletop, waiting for Zahra to speak again with a blank expression. "I can…hear things, too. If I close my eyes and listen, instead of reading, I can hear what someone's thinking. It's weird…it's like, the things that I can see aren't really there, it's just what everyone is made of, inside. The things that happened to them that made them what they are. But when I listen, it's the things that they're thinking right in that moment that I can catch."
Sethe watched Zahra closely as he spoke, standing up from over the table and frowning confusedly. "What? Wait…are you sure?"
Zahra shook his head no. "No…I don't know! That's why I'm telling you. You told me to tell you about things like that. I have no idea what it really is…that's just the impression that I get." Sethe abandoned his frown and settled for another expression, a calm and convincing stare.
"Alright…" He paused and crossed his arms, thinking silently for a moment. "Ask me a question."
Zahra blinked. "What?"
"Ask me something…I don't care. Then try and catch the answer." Zahra nodded his head and then thought quietly for a moment.
"Um…how many rooms are there in the temple?" He closed his eyes and felt for the place that Sethe was standing in, not more than a few feet away, and he caught something and said it aloud. "Twenty-one." Zahra opened his eyes and found Sethe with an odd look on his face, but he didn't say anything. "Well…? Is that right?"
"It is…I just…don't really know what that could be. How you could do something like that…do it again."
"Okay…um…" Zahra thought more carefully, trying to think of something that would be more difficult to catch. "Why are your eyes blue?" Zahra made close eye contact with Sethe just before his lids slipped shut, and the look on his face told Zahra that he might not have the real answer to that question. Zahra allowed his eyes to close anyway, searching for an answer in the darkness before him. He felt as though he nearly had it, but it slipped his grasp and he reached out further somehow, still not able to understand what it was that brought the thoughts to him, but he sought it anyway, to the best of his abilities. He came up empty-handed once again, and he let his eyelids open, trying to think of what he could say to Sethe. He'd lost it, somehow. Perhaps he wasn't practiced enough in this yet, whatever it was. There was no way to tell, and even Sethe probably wouldn't know to the answer to that.
As soon as his eyes began to open he searched for Sethe, but instead found himself quite alone, standing in the center of an endless expanse of desert. The second he realized where he was, every sense he had kicked in and made this place real, and the wind immediately began whipping closely against him, pulling the long fabric of his sleeves over his hands and his hair in every which way. It was the darkest hour of the night, and Zahra panicked instantly, stepping quickly to the place where Sethe had been moments ago, but he already knew deep down that he was not here, and that no one was, save himself. He couldn't feel another soul. Zahra lifted his eyes to the horizon, barely visible against the black sky, and he realized that the only reason he could see it was that the horizon itself was crimson in color. He looked down and saw the sand that his toes dug into, red as blood, and he knew then that this place, however he had gotten there, was outside of Egypt. He hadn't ever been there, but he knew of it, and knew what it was.
He was in the Red Lands…somehow. The very place that Suti himself had been banished to, along with his people. Zahra couldn't remember why, but he knew that it had something to do with what Suti had done, long ago, although the particulars of the tale escaped him. He hadn't heard it since he was very small. It was a story that the people of Heliopolis weren't too interested in telling.
"…Sethe?" It was barely above a whisper and the strong winds immediately carried the word away from him, leaving Zahra alone in the silence and the sand. For a moment he felt as though his limbs wouldn't move an inch, but he took a deep breath behind his sleeve, turning his face away so that he couldn't breath in the sand in the air. The motion of lifting his arm awakened his body and he took a step forward and then paused, looking all around him in every direction. It was hopeless…there wasn't even a dip or hill in the sand, and just by looking at the horizon he knew that the desert was endless.
Alright…it doesn't really matter, anyway. This obviously can't be real…I know for a fact that I was just standing in that temple with Sethe, and now I'm probably passed out again on the floor. Again…that's the second time today. Oh… Zahra fell to his knees and covered his face with his hands, biting back the tears that threatened to come. What is wrong with me? This isn't real, it isn't…but I don't know how to leave. What should I do? I wish Sethe were here. He would know what to do. I shouldn't have asked him that…
Frustrated with himself and his question, Zahra lifted his hands and held onto his arms, trying to hide at least part of himself from the cold. The sand was still warm, but the air all around him was freezing, and the tearing wind only made it worse. He lifted his foot and pushed himself up, standing once more and staring thoughtlessly at the ground, digging his feet into the sand, trying to keep them warm.
His toe hit upon something and he jumped back, startled by the cold touch against his skin, buried in something so warm. He blinked, then leaned over and stuck his fingers into his footprint, pushing the sand away until he uncovered what it was that he had touched with his foot and closed his fingers around the cold stone. It was a piece of Hematite, and Zahra frowned at it as he opened his fingers and stared at the stone in his palm, brushing away some of the sand that clung to it.
How did this get all the way out here…? I'm just about ready to wake up from this dream.
Zahra closed his eyes and gripped the stone almost painfully. "Take me back." Something gripped his shoulders and jarred him, and he opened his eyes again in shock, almost afraid of what it might be that had him. Zahra instantly focused on blue, and his eyes widened fully as he realized that it was the priest who had him by the shoulders, and Sethe immediately stopped trying to wake him up as soon as he saw that Zahra could see him. Zahra looked past him and into the room, and sighed in relief as he realized that this was the same room, and he was still there and not in the Red Desert.
"Hey…hello? What happened to you?" Zahra slowly brought his eyes back to Sethe's and he tried to hear what the priest was saying to him, but everything in his eyes seemed a bit off somehow, as if it were playing through at a slightly slower pace than it was supposed to and was still trying to catch up.
"….What?" Zahra stared at Sethe and blinked, wondering why he felt so oddly. "Oh, look what I found." Zahra lifted his hand up and tried to look at the hematite, only to find that it wasn't there. "Hey, where'd it go? Maybe I dropped it…" He bent over and tried to look for the stone, but Sethe pulled him back up and stared at him angrily, to which Zahra could only look confused. "What?"
"What was all that about? You just stopped talking all of a sudden, and you wouldn't respond to anything I did or said. Where were you?" The disorientation began to fall away from Zahra's mind, and he remembered his fear and where he had been.
"I…I was in the Red Desert. I tried to find the answer to the question, but instead I found that…and I couldn't leave. But then I asked to come back, and I was here again. And it was so cold and dark…" Zahra physically shivered at the memory and felt his muscles tighten in fear. He looked up at Sethe and frowned. "What happened?"
Sethe shook his head. "I have no idea. It's…" He sighed and looked to his left, at the table that still stood in the center of the room, just as Zahra remembered it. "It's been a long day. Why don't we finish this up and then you can just go and lie down while I seal the shrine?" Zahra nodded, not wanting to deal with much else, either. He could tell that Sethe had a lot on his mind already, and Zahra knew that he wasn't really helping him out much at all. He felt sort of badly about that, knowing that the entire reason he was staying here was to help Sethe, and all he had done so far was become an extra burden for him to bear, and a heavy one at that. Sethe motioned for Zahra to follow him to the table, and they stood side by side as Sethe opened one of the boxes he had pulled from the shelf and pushed it over to Zahra. His eyes were on Zahra closely, and he was just about to speak when Zahra smiled brightly and reached out for the box.
"There it is! I found this in the desert…see?" He held it up to Sethe, who gave him a strange look before speaking.
"Is that so? I've had that stone in here for years. I was going to ask you to pick the one you wanted to use, but it looks as though you've already done that." His voice was relaxed and he pulled the box back towards him and closed the lid, pushing it to the side of the table and out of the way.
"Are you sure? The stone that I had looked exactly like this one…there's no difference. Except this one has wire wrapped around it…but it feels the same in my hand." Zahra closed his fingers around it just the way he had in his dream, and nothing at all was different. "Can I pick this one?" Sethe nodded and took it from Zahra, who frowned at the priest but didn't try to stop him. Sethe reached for something on the table and Zahra saw that it was a string of red tjehnet beads, and he slipped the hematite onto the end of the necklace by the wire that was wrapped around it and let it slide to the center of the string. Sethe handed the necklace to Zahra, who took it from him and admired it, hoping that it was something that he would get to wear. The only jewelry he had were his old bracelets and anklets, none of which were attractive or had any pleasant connotations. He hadn't taken them off, however, not sure as to what his status was and preferring to wait until someone else brought them up. Maybe he'd mention it to Sethe later. But this, however, he could deal with. The red beads brought out the opalescent black in the stone, and the colors would look even more drastic against his skin.
Zahra looked up and watched Sethe as he wrote something down, drawing out the symbols easily and fluidly, and then setting the page down in the middle of the table. He walked over to the bookshelf and brought back a gold dagger and an iron cauldron, the cauldron being small enough to where Sethe could easily hold it in one hand. Zahra focused his attention closely to the priest, curious about what was happening and what his part in it might be. Zahra hoped that it was small.
"Here…give me that." Zahra reluctantly gave the necklace back to the priest, and he took it and placed it in the center of the page that he had written all over. He then folded the page in half, over and over again until the necklace was folded in the center of a small square of papyrus, which Sethe set on the tabletop. The priest reached for the dagger, and before Zahra could ask him what he meant to do with it he had already seized Zahra's hand and cut a small gash on the top of his hand, just below his knuckles.
"Hey!" Zahra tried to yank his hand away from the priest, but the look on Sethe's face stopped him instantly, and his cry of pain caught in his throat. Sethe hadn't looked at him like that since…since before he had known what Zahra was, and the feeling it gave him was unpleasant, to say the least. Zahra kept himself quiet, and Sethe lifted the wrapped necklace to Zahra's hand and pressed it against the cut, taking Zahra's other hand and holding it over the papyrus. Sethe let go but Zahra's hand held it there over the wound, soaking up his blood, and meanwhile Sethe began to pick up everything he had brought from the shelves and put them back where they belonged, leaving only the dagger and the cauldron behind.
"Just hold that there until I'm finished, and try your best to relax." Sethe's voice was calm and patient, and Zahra watched him as he spoke, wondering what he was supposed to do. "Move forward…right there." He placed Zahra so that he stood directly before the table and right in front of the cauldron, and as he peeked over the edge of it he saw that it was half filled with the same red sand from his dream. "Now, just face that table and don't move around…I'm going to be right behind you." Zahra turned his head and saw Sethe standing a few feet behind him, still clutching the hilt of the dagger in his left hand. "You're going to perform this spell, all by yourself."
"But-!"
Sethe held his hand up and Zahra silenced himself. "Stop. You can do this. I wouldn't have you do something I didn't think that you could do. Just try it, and if you really can't, then I'll do it for you. But you'll never know until you try." Zahra closed his mouth and nodded, knowing that it was the truth. He did want to know, and this was the only way to find out just what he could do. And if Sethe really believed in him that much, then he supposed that it was worth a try. Zahra trusted Sethe more than he did any other person at the moment, and he knew that Sethe at least understood how he felt.
"This is what I'm going to do. Normally, if you were going to use Heka, you would have to draw it from someplace. But since you don't know the spell for that, I'm going to cast it for you and then allow you to use it. You understand?" Zahra nodded; amazed that he really did get it, at least somewhat. "Then, you're going to take my Heka and use it for your own spell. Are you ready?"
Zahra nearly turned around and faced the table, but he thought of something just then. "Wait! I don't know how the spell goes!"
Sethe raised the blade of the knife vertically in front of his face. "You will." Zahra sighed and faced the table, pressing the papyrus into his hand with more pressure, trying to relieve the stinging sensation that crept along his fingers.
He could have at least warned me. I hope that he's right about me knowing that spell, because I have no idea what he's doing back there.
"Nuk Tem-Khepera kheper t'esef her uart mut-f.
Ertau unsu en ami Nu, behennu en amiu t'at'at.
Ask temt-na heka pen entef, kher se entef kher-f, betenu er thesem, khak er sut…"
Sethe spoke quietly and quickly, almost mumbling the words to himself, and Zahra felt that even though he understood what they meant, the sort of feeling that they brought barred him from fully hearing them correctly. Instead of hearing them as he normally would, he listened and then watched as the sound of them fell all around him and trickled through the air, weaving around his arms and into his skin as small crimson threads of nearly transparent mist. He didn't dare move as Sethe continued to speak and he spotted a few more of them out of the corner of his eye, and he desperately tried to keep his attention directly in front of him, wondering if the only reason that he could see it was because he still wore the spelled cosmetic. It frightened him, but he tried to keep still as Sethe had directed him to and watched as the red strings wound around his neck and his waist, assimilating themselves into Zahra and then disappearing from view.
"…Erta-entu mut seref en neteru.
Ask erta-na heka apen kher enti-f betenu er thesem, khak er sut, khak er sut."
Sethe stopped speaking suddenly and Zahra only noticed it distantly, feeling tense without really knowing why, and just a little too full to be comfortable. Full of what, he couldn't say, or why he felt that way, but it was all that his mind could decipher of the foreign sensation. He tried to move, but found that it was far too difficult, and just the effort made him feel sleepy, as though he would fall asleep on his feet if he tried to walk across the room. He watched the tabletop under half open lids, until a heavy pair of hands came around from behind him and slowly pulled the wrapped necklace out of his slackened grip and reached forward, placing it in the cauldron. Zahra vaguely noticed that it was covered in blood, and he wondered if it was his, and then realized that it had to be. His thoughts came gradually and they were less literal than he remembered them being, and before long he could feel breath on his ear and hands on his shoulders, and Sethe's voice came from out of nowhere.
"What did you see?" It was so quiet that only Zahra could hear, and he thought for a moment before responding.
"…Red."
Silence, then Sethe spoke again. "How do you feel?"
"…Dizzy." It was the truth, he felt so heavy that he was afraid he might fall over if he didn't watch his balance, and he leaned back into Sethe's steady grip. One of the hands came off of his shoulder and pointed to the papyrus in the sand.
"Do you remember that necklace inside there?"
Zahra nodded. He remembered the red and the black, and he smiled. Sethe's hand came back to Zahra's shoulder and he tightened his grip.
"I want you to take the Red that I gave you, and send it into that necklace. You can feel it inside, can't you?"
"Yes…" Zahra's responses sounded emotionless and plain, but it was the best that he could do under the pressure. Something was pressed into his palm, and then Sethe closed Zahra's fingers around the hilt of the blade and lifted his arm until he was pointing the tip of the dagger directly at the folded papyrus. Zahra felt unsure of himself, but he searched for the threads that had slipped inside of him and found them scattered within. He took them out of himself one at a time, carefully guiding them in his mind until each and every one of them had been twisted around the blade, and then he waited for Sethe to speak again.
"You see? You can do this…now just take them a little farther." Now that the Heka was out of him, Zahra felt slightly better and then much less self assured in his abilities, but he had done the first part pretty easily, so he set his mind on the dagger and concentrated once more on the red magick wound around the gold in his hand. Every piece of it had come together as one, and now he let the muscles in his body relax and he sent his thoughts in a stream that led to the necklace, not pushing or pulling but simply allowing the Heka to follow his path of thought to it's destination. Although he could barely even see it but for the ruby shadow in his mind, he knew that it was following his lead and sinking into the necklace, and Zahra could both see it and feel it happening in the same moment. The last of it was gone, but some of the dizziness still remained, and he wasn't sure why since there was nothing left inside of him.
"Sethe?" Zahra tried to turn around, but Sethe's grip on his shoulders was solid and he held him firmly in place.
"Almost. There's one last thing, but it won't be hard. The difficult part is done, and you did it easily." Sethe's whisper made Zahra smile, for an unknown reason, but it felt somewhat like pride. Sethe reached out from behind Zahra and took the dagger from his hands, pushing his arm down to his side, and Zahra's mind jumped at the realization that he'd completely forgotten about his arm being in that position.
"What is it?"
"Can you see it in the necklace?" Zahra could, and he nodded his head slowly. The shadow lay over the entire cauldron. "Use that, and burn the paper."
Zahra froze. He couldn't do that…could he? "What?"
Sethe was patient, and he repeated himself carefully. "You have to set it on fire. Just try it."
"But…I can't."
Sethe's voice strengthened, and his whisper rose just slightly. "Of course you can. With that color Heka, you can do much more. You can make it become anything you wish. All you have to do is create it."
"But…no one can do that." Zahra couldn't fathom such a possibility, and his mind began to reject the entire spell. Sethe felt it as it was happening, and his fingers wrapped even tighter around Zahra's shoulders.
"I can do it." At that, Zahra paused in his mind and reconsidered. He believed that Sethe could.
"You can…?"
"Of course. And so can you. I believe that you can do it, and who would know better than I?" Zahra said nothing to that, but fully agreed in his mind. "That Heka will become fire the second that you want it to. That's all it's for…it exists for you to control. Now control it." The steady breath disappeared from his ear, and Sethe stood upright behind Zahra, leaving his hands on his shoulders so that Zahra would know he was still there. Zahra breathed in deeply and watched the barely-there garnet shade that was coloring the light beige of the papyrus, knowing that Sethe truly believed that he could do this on his own. If Sethe thought so, then it was most likely so, and Zahra closed his eyes, noticing that he could see the Heka much more clearly this way, with nothing standing between them physically. He hesitantly reached out mentally, using the exact same method he used when trying to catch the thoughts of others in front of him and found that he could catch this in almost exactly the same way. It pulled towards him faintly when he reached out, and he let it fall back, not wanting to move it again but rather transform it into something else.
He kept his eyes closed and stared at it, trying to conjure up the image of a flame in his mind, a candle burning, the fires in the temple halls, but nothing struck him visually enough for him to send it all the way to the necklace, and he racked his mind, trying to think of anything that would spark an reflection strong enough to use. There was something, something that stood out in his memory, but he wasn't sure if it was the right thing to use. He thought back anyway, knowing that he had to try something.
He glanced back warily, staring suspiciously at the white-hot flames that now burned in a light shade of crystal blue…
Zahra's eyes opened just in time for him to see the spark that set the entire cauldron aflame, and he instinctively pushed himself back with his feet, trying to put some distance between his face and the cobalt blaze that burned away the papyrus within seconds. His back hit Sethe's front but the priest was steady on his feet and he caught Zahra before he could fall, and Zahra watched as the fire vanished just as quickly as it had come, leaving not a trace of the Heka behind. He wasn't sure what to do at this point, but the vertigo that had gripped him earlier was gone, and he felt as though he knew that the spell was finished for sure.
It wasn't hard at all…in fact; it was just a little too easy. And I knew…I knew how to do everything. Sethe didn't even need to tell me, I just did everything as it came…just as he said I would. How could he have known…how could I have known any of that?
Zahra felt uneasy with himself, not entirely sure if he was the same person who had come in search of asylum just yesterday. But then, he could do something, he was more than what he had been, and that was reassuring. Sethe had seen it, and he had been right. Perhaps he was right about everything else, as well, and maybe Zahra was Shemsu-Suti. Zahra had no way to tell, and if he had trusted Sethe before, it was ten times as strong in that moment, when the spell was finished and Zahra realized that he had cast it, all on his own. He turned his head and he met Sethe's eyes and felt oddly about it, as though something was different. Not about Seth, and not about himself, but in the ties between the two of them. It was something about sharing his Heka, about casting the spell with Sethe that made Zahra feel as though their connection sunk a bit lower, and ran a little deeper than it had hours ago. The strange feeling was completely gone, and as Zahra looked at Sethe he spoke, not meaning to and not entirely sure of what he meant to say, and wondering if it was even his own thought.
"I knew that it would be blue." Sethe stepped up to the table and stood alongside Zahra, reaching his hand to the necklace that lay in the center of a pile of ash on the red sand, wrapped tightly against itself.
"I was just about to say that." Sethe smirked and then lifted the necklace and untangled the strings, which had been bound up tightly until moments ago. "Here, turn around." Zahra faced away from Sethe and watched as the necklace came down in front of his face and lowered around his neck, and he could feel Sethe's fingers working the ends into a knot against his skin. "Just don't take it off…it will stave off most of the sickness that you felt earlier. So tomorrow, we're going to try it again, and this time let's hope that I won't have to cart you back into my room in the middle of everything."
"I'm sorry about that." Zahra felt badly about the extra problems he was creating for the priest, and while he knew that mere hours earlier he would have welcomed such a concept, it had somehow lost it's flavor in the happening of the day, and Sethe's words left nothing but a bad taste in Zahra's mouth. The priest had more than enough on his mind, it seemed.
"Well…don't be. You couldn't have known, and neither could I." Sethe put the remaining items away on the shelf and led Zahra out of the room.
"Why couldn't I have known?" Zahra asked, but then realized that it had made much more sense in his head, and he rephrased the question. "I mean, how come I never noticed any of this before? If I'm so special…then why am I just finding out today? Was I always like this?" Zahra quickened his pace so that he could walk alongside the priest and he looked up into his eyes.
"Always. The gods choose their Shemsu before birth, so you have always been this way. And since you've never been to a temple, that would mean that you've never worn an Eye of Heru before, wouldn't it?" Zahra nodded and watched Sethe as he continued. "It's the eye itself that gives you Neter Maa…although I honestly have no idea where your other talents come from. It could be from the Eye, but we'll find out in a while."
Sethe had led Zahra back into the area of the temple he knew much better, and he could see the doorway to Sethe's room just ahead. More than anything Zahra just wanted to fall down on his bed and go straight to sleep, but the stone floor from the previous night was his immediate future, and he cringed as he recalled the way his neck had felt in the morning. He'd worn himself out by simply being, and he hoped that tomorrow wouldn't bring as many life-altering surprises as today had. His stomach cried out and he clutched at it, feeling that at least part of his weariness must be due to the fact that he hadn't had a spare second to eat all day long. He wasn't sure what time it was, but he had gotten up so early that he didn't care as much as he used to about falling asleep early. And anyway, Makiah was dead now, and Zahra didn't live there anymore, so there was nothing to stay up for. Days ago Zahra would have battled with his weariness and forced himself to stay awake so that he could sneak out in the night and meet Makiah, but Zahra realized just then that there wasn't anything left to fight for, and he could sleep or not sleep, whichever he saw fit. No one was waiting for him anymore.
"I'm really hungry…is there any food here?" Zahra walked through the doorway and turned, waiting for Sethe to follow him inside. "Hey, aren't you staying?"
"No…I told you that I have to seal the shrine. Just wait for me in here, and I'll bring you back something to eat. Alright…?" Zahra nodded his head reluctantly and watched as Sethe left him alone, noticing that the idea of Sethe leaving him alone was far more tragic than it had been yesterday.
I almost wanted to ask if I could go with him...but I'm usually just getting in his way, so maybe I should just stay here. I just…I guess I just don't want to be alone right now. Too much, this day has been far too long, and I know it's still not over. I hope Sethe isn't long in there. If I sit here in silence, I know I'll only think about Makiah.
It was too late, and Zahra sat down on the edge of the bed without thinking and slumped his shoulders, biting down on his bottom lip in an effort to hold off the tears, but they came anyway. He remembered the way that he had cast that spell so easily, and he cried even harder, feeling stranger than he ever had. Everything that had happened to him since he'd woken up, since he'd run away even, bore down heavily on his mind and he cried for each and every memory, crying because he knew that he couldn't go back, and he'd never be who he was two days ago. It was almost as though he had died along with Makiah, and now he was living someone else's life, when inside he knew that he should really just be dead and gone. If he hadn't run away that day, there wasn't a doubt in his mind that he would be dead, truly dead, and he thought about regretting the choice he made, feeling that he didn't deserve this fate more than Makiah did. Why had he escaped alone? Why hadn't they run off sooner, together? Then Zahra would have at least a shred of something familiar around him, something that made him Zahra. He wasn't even sure who he was, not anymore.
Zahra laid himself down and pressed his face into the bed, wanting more than anything to hide from what he was, what Sethe had told him he was and what he knew he was, regardless of how suddenly he had come to learn it. His fingers reached up to his neck and he closed them around the stone that hung from the necklace there, understanding the spell even though he hadn't been able to read what Sethe had written. He knew the spell, not knowing in the way that he might have memorized it or written it himself, but he saw what it meant and how it had worked, and the way that he had chosen the stone, and he knew. It was obvious, even to someone like him. Or perhaps it wasn't obvious, and he just knew, and that was even more proof that he was this thing, however much he wished that he wasn't. He was strange enough as it was, and although he felt deep down that this was an explanation, and not another oddity to throw on the ever-growing pile, he still did not want it. Agreeing with Sethe would be like admitting defeat, giving up and saying 'fine, there really is something wrong with me, and there isn't anything that I can do to stop it'.
But there isn't. If there were, Sethe would have found it. He certainly doesn't seem like the sort of person who would sit back and admit defeat, especially since he has to pretty much hide away in the temple just so he won't be bothered by people who hate him for it. But he was that way since before he was born. And he said that it was the same for all the gods, that they all choose their Shemsu before birth…so then…why is it such an awful thing?
Zahra paused in his tears and considered that last thought. It was the same for everyone. Isis must know that she was chosen by Amun-Ra before she was born, so why would she hold the same thing against Sethe? Why would anyone? Thoroughly mystified, Zahra decided to ask Sethe about it later, figuring that he must be missing some vital information. It didn't make any sense, and Zahra blamed that on his innocence in such matters. No one could be that blind.
His mind was working too quickly to cry, and he gave it up and flipped himself over, lying on his back and facing the ceiling. For being the Kher Heb of the Pharaoh, Sethe sure doesn't own very much. He's got to have money…tons of it, probably. But then again, he doesn't strike me as the type to go out and spend it. He seems more like the type to stash it all away in a dark room somewhere and then forget about even having it. If I had money like he must have…I wouldn't. Zahra smiled to himself and rubbed at his eyes, wiping away the tears in favor of richly designed daydreams, the sort he'd always had, and never really was able to give up no matter how much reality beat down on them each day.
With a room this big…I'd have a bed much larger than this one…made of wood from across the sea, and a… Zahra raised his head and examined the bare walls. …A vanity right over there, in that corner…where that mirror is. Or at least, I think it's a mirror. He's let the metal get so dull he probably can't even see himself in it anymore. Zahra rolled himself off the bed and walked over to the mirror, trying to see his reflection and succeeding just barely. Maybe Sethe feels the same way I do…about looking so different. He looks much more normal than I do…his skin is even dark. It's just his eyes and his hair, and that's hardly even noticeable. But me…ugh. Zahra blinked miserably at his reflection and leaned in closer, seeing the makeup on his eyes. That doesn't look so bad, though…I wonder if it's just for use in the temple. Well…not like I'll be going much of anywhere else. If it didn't make me act so weird, I might just wear it for how it looks…I wonder if Sethe has any that won't make me crazy…
Zahra looked around the room, finding that even if Sethe did, there wasn't anyplace in the room that he could have kept it. Probably not. He doesn't seem too interested in appearances. He's not even wearing jewelry that doesn't serve a purpose. All he's got on are those gold bands on his arms and legs, and those are just to show that he lives in the palace. Too plain…I'd have collected a whole chest full of jewelry by now, if I were him. And I'd probably wear it all, too, every day…
A stray tear slipped out from his eyelid, and he brushed it away and then looked at himself again in the mirror. Now that's something…the makeup didn't come off when I was crying. It's all there…oh, I hope that it comes off eventually. Maybe there's something you have to use to get it out of your skin. He reached up and tentatively tried to smear the edges of one of his eyes, knowing that if it actually worked, he could still fix it. Nothing moved, and the lines stayed as they were around his eyes, and he frowned for a moment. That was weird.
"What are you doing?" Sethe's voice startled Zahra and he jumped and turned towards the noise. Sethe was standing in the doorway with a bemused look, and Zahra scanned him up and down before he spoke.
"Nothing…where's your other clothes?" Sethe was dressed plainly in nothing more than a dark blue galabia that had seen better days. Like that, for example. I sure wouldn't be sleeping in that.
"I don't sleep in them. Anyway, I'm finished with the temple for the day, and I don't need to wear them anymore." He made a face as he walked over to the bed, giving Zahra the impression that he didn't like wearing them very much. Sethe sat down on the edge of the bed and for the first time Zahra noticed what Sethe had brought along with him. His stomach immediately responded to the sight of food, and he abandoned the mirror and sat down next to Sethe and proceeded to inhale the food as fast as he was able to.
"Where'd you get this?" Zahra asked him in-between mouthfuls.
Sethe gave him an indifferent look and responded. "From the shrine." Zahra froze in mid-bite. "You're supposed to eat it…It's all I eat." Zahra looked at Sethe, wondering if he was joking, but the level stare that Sethe returned told him that he wasn't. "Just eat it…"
Zahra shrugged and continued, he really was hungry, and if Sethe said it was alright, then it must be. It sure seemed odd, though. There was something in Sethe's hand and Zahra caught it out of the corner of his eye, a white cloth, but he didn't say anything about until he'd finished eating.
"You ate that like it was going to disappear on you." Sethe smirked at Zahra, who only glared back halfheartedly before pointing to Sethe's hands.
"What's that for?"
Sethe followed Zahra's finger until he realized what he meant. "Oh…I still haven't cleaned your eyes off. Here…" Sethe pulled on Zahra's arm until he scooted over closer on the side of the bed, and then hooked his finger underneath Zahra's chin and lifted his face up. "It won't come off without this." He lifted the cloth to Zahra's eyes and as soon as it hit his skin Zahra could feel that it was dampened with something.
"Sethe…?"
Zahra watched Sethe's eyes as he worked, but Sethe didn't make contact. "What?"
"Why can I see those things?"
Sethe switched hands and then moved to Zahra's other eye. Zahra's vision began to blur slightly, but he ignored it and waited for Sethe to continue. "Wait…" He finished moments late and then sat back. Zahra blinked, then rubbed his eyes and looked at Sethe again. His eyes weren't working, or so he felt, and he scanned the room, trying to find out what was wrong. Everything looked so…flat, and empty. Zahra looked back at Sethe and saw only Sethe, with none of his inner thoughts or reasons or feelings showing. It was like looking at a reflection, one that was obviously transparent.
"Is it gone?" Sethe's eyes were fixated on Zahra's, and he waited until Zahra' gaze connected with his before speaking again. Zahra felt nearly lost, and strangely blind, and he stared at Sethe, trying to see all the things that he knew were there and finding nothing but Sethe and Sethe alone, as anyone else would have seen him, as though they hadn't ever met. "It's the Eye of Heru…it's meant to be worn only for reasons of reverence…but it awakens something in us. It's because of what Suti did, in the old kingdom. Do you know?"
"I don't remember."
Sethe pulled his legs up underneath him and sat cross-legged on the bed, looking very much like the young man that he was, and less like the Kher Heb of the Pharaoh. He watched the floor and spoke from memory, reciting the story as though he had heard it a thousand times.
"Suti and Amun-Ra, they…they were family, and they were very close. Suti protected Amun-Ra, and Amun-Ra did the same for him, and together they protected the people of Egypt. But then, Suti found something that he loved and wished to keep above all else. Something more important than Egypt itself."
Zahra hadn't ever heard this version before. It wasn't that he remembered the way he'd heard the story, but he knew for a fact that he hadn't ever heard it told this way. "What was it?"
Sethe shook his head. "No one knows. Only the gods know that. But Amun-Ra just didn't understand. He felt that nothing was more important than Egypt, and that Suti was turning his back on the people they had protected together for so long, and betraying him at the same time. So he sent his son Heru to find out what it was that Suti loved so much, because Heru had a special sight and could see inside people's hearts.
Heru's two eyes were not the same...one was an eye of Moon, and the other was an eye of Sun. The eye of Moon was the eye that could see deeper than skin, and it gave him an advantage, to be able to look inside Suti without having to ask him what it was. Heru went to look at Suti and saw what it was inside of his heart without Suti knowing, and reported to the council of the gods what he had seen. Whatever it was…it was something that the gods did not approve of."
Zahra watched Sethe carefully as he spoke, anxious to hear the tale out to its end. Why hadn't he heard anything like it before? Zahra felt absolutely certain that the story he had heard about Suti was nothing like this. His impression of Suti hadn't been a positive one, and he had thought that Suti had been the one who was causing all the trouble. This story didn't very well fit in with all of the things that Suti represented now. Sethe had paused and met Zahra's eyes, and Zahra was impatient to have him finish.
"Keep going!"
"Well…Amun-Ra led the council of the gods, and when he learned of what it was that Suti had abandoned him for…he was outraged. He told his son that if he went and destroyed the thing that Suti loved, he could then take Suti's place next to Amun-Ra. Heru wanted that, of course, so he immediately went to find the thing and destroy it, but Suti found him before he had done it and he fought back, determined to protect that thing above all else. Heru told Suti of what had happened, of how he had stolen that glimpse of Suti's beloved with his eye of Moon, and he also told him of how he was to take Suti's place, as soon as his task was finished. When Suti learned of how he had been betrayed by Heru, he reached out and tore the eye of Moon from Heru's face, furious that he would use a gift like that for something so malicious.
Heru ran back to the council and told them that Suti had attacked him, and Amun-Ra summoned Suti to the divine court. He was declared guilty of defying the will of Amun-Ra and banished from Egypt along with his followers, and was forced to live in the Red Lands of the south. Heru took his place and his eye was restored, but it was replaced instead with another eye of Sun, because the eye of Moon now belonged to Suti and was declared a curse, instead of the gift that it once was. So now…all Shemsu –Suti possess that stolen curse. That is why you can see those things when you wear the Eye of Heru. Because it was his, at one time."
Zahra was silent for a long time, thinking about the story. "What…what do you think it was that Suti loved so much?"
Sethe frowned at the bed beneath him, looking frustrated. "I can't figure it out…that's the only part of the story I have left to uncover. But I feel like…like if I find the true answer, if I can find out what it was that he loved…I might be able to understand why it's so awful to be what I am. Because I still don't. I've been searching for what seems like forever…did you see all those old scrolls I had in the library?"
Zahra nodded. "I was wondering where you'd gotten those. I've never even seen one before. How old are they?"
"They're from the old kingdom." Zahra's eyes widened slightly, how had Sethe gotten a hold of something that ancient? "I've been collecting them ever since I took over this temple, years ago. That story I just told you is not the same story that anyone will tell you. No one living today knows that story, apart from you and me. It's the way that things truly happened between Suti and Amun-Ra…before it was changed at the start of the middle kingdom. And now even that has come to an end…but every time the story was recorded it was changed, over and over again, until it had become what it is today, which is nothing more than a lie. But things have a way of changing…especially when those in power want them to."
Zahra's eyes were tired and he felt them begging to be closed, but the things that Sethe was telling him were so complicated that he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep until he'd sorted out at least some of it in his mind. "But…but why would they change it? Who changed it?"
"It's strange…it was changed around the same time that Egypt became one, instead of the two separate lands that it used to be. The followers of Amun-Ra were the ones that unified the two, and their god became the One God that all of Egypt recognized as protector. That is why the Pharaoh is known as Heru incarnate, and his temple is always dedicated to Amun-Ra. Just like in the story, Heru took Suti's place and guarded the people of Egypt alongside Amun-Ra."
"Oh…" Zahra didn't follow that part as much as he had the actual story, but he was left with a strong feeling of discontent with Amun-Ra and his followers. No wonder being in his shrine made me sick…but I was inside of it for awhile before I passed out. "Hey…but I was in the shrine earlier this morning, and I felt fine. It wasn't until you started using that incense that I started to feel dizzy."
Sethe uncrossed his legs and laid his head back on the bed. "Amun-Ra wasn't there…he isn't there now. You could walk all over in there and feel fine if you went in and tried it. It's when the sun comes up and I break the seal, then he's present in the shrine and his presence alone affects you…affects me, still. But you should be alright tomorrow, as long as you don't take off that necklace. That will shield you from most of it…but you'll still feel uncomfortable. Hopefully you won't pass out again." Sethe smirked and closed his eyes for a moment. "I'm so tired…" He opened one eye and peered at Zahra through it. "I bet you're exhausted."
He was, but he was almost more comfortable staying awake on Sethe's bed as opposed to sleeping on the floor. He glanced over at 'his' corner and sighed quietly. "I am…I should probably get to sleep. We have to get up so early every day." Zahra stood up from the edge of the bed and took a step forward towards the wall, but something was caught on his sleeve and he paused, looking back and seeing that it was Sethe's hand that was holding him back. He had an odd look on his face that was empty of any sort of emotion, but he spoke and Zahra could hear something there, not quite able to tell what it was. He almost wished that he was wearing the Eye again, just so that he would be able to tell what Sethe was really thinking right then. Everything looked so empty now.
"Look…I'm sorry that I had you sleep there last night. I was…I was just still really mad at you for getting me in trouble. I had no way to know who you were, or what you were. I thought that you hated me."
Zahra smiled. "I did."
"Do you still?"
Zahra held his tongue for a second and thought about it, wondering what the true answer was. "Maybe…maybe I didn't hate you. I didn't like you…but I don't know what to think anymore. I know that you're doing your best to help me, and I…I don't…" Zahra bit his lip and tried to think of words that would explain how he felt. "Everything's so…so different, and I don't even feel like myself anymore. I think you're right, that I am like you…but that isn't something that I understand. Oh…I wish I knew what I was talking about…" He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. Sethe let go of his sleeve and moved over to the other side of the bed.
"I'm not going to make you sleep on the floor…but I haven't got anywhere else to put you right now. I didn't ever plan on allowing anyone else to stay here, so I didn't bother to keep the other rooms set for someone to stay in. You can…you can sleep here, if you want to…" Sethe kept his eyes down and then turned over, leaving the choice up to Zahra, and Zahra knew that he wouldn't have anything more to say on the subject.
…Now what? I suppose that means he doesn't think I'm going to kill him in his sleep. That floor…is so uncomfortable…but I can't very well sleep here. Can I? Sethe said that it was alright…I hope that he meant it, because I am not sleeping in that corner again. Zahra tentatively sat down on the edge of the bed, watching Sethe for any reaction. He didn't even move an inch, and Zahra lay down on his side and watched quietly as Sethe's chest rose and fell. He wasn't asleep, and neither was Zahra, and the two of them were quite aware of that fact.
This is really uncomfortable…but it's better than the floor. And anyway, if I can't trust him, then there isn't anyone else left. I've only known him for two days, but it's…I've never known anyone like me before. And now that I know even more about myself, I'm even stranger than I thought I was. But it doesn't matter…because he's the exact same way. It almost feels like I have Makiah back…in a weird way. It's not the same…no one could ever be Makiah…it's not better, just…different.
Zahra felt as though he was slighting his friend with his thoughts, and he tried to work them out in his mind so that he understood how he felt. He missed Makiah so much…but Makiah was not coming back. Zahra never wanted to let that go…and he didn't feel as though he had to, not yet. Sethe was different, much different, and the way that Zahra felt about Sethe wasn't anything like what he felt for Makiah, but yet he knew that it was similar.
Deeper, even.
Sethe was like Makiah, in the way that he suffered along with Zahra, trapped inside a similar fate, just as Makiah had suffered in servitude with Zahra up until a few days ago. Zahra felt, though, that while Sethe was just like Makiah in that respect, he was also everything that Makiah would never have been, had he been alive to see what had become of Zahra. For while Makiah accepted Zahra for the way that he looked and without a doubt would have accepted him for what he was, had Makiah known, he could only ever turn a blind eye in sympathy and try to relate to Zahra in some other way. Makiah was normal; he was what Zahra had always wanted to be, and what he knew he wouldn't ever be. But Sethe…Sethe was those strange things, just like Zahra was, and Sethe couldn't look past it, nor would he want to. He understood. He saw Zahra for what he was and didn't have to search any deeper for something that the two could share. They already shared everything.
What a mess. I have taken a few liberties here with the myths, so please don't think that the story of Amun-Ra and Suti goes like that. But it isn't so far away from the truth, and you have to wonder sometimes how the politics of a nation can affect the common belief system. There was a distict moment when Suti suddenly became a god of evil along a historical timeline, and the reasons behind it seem to point to mostly political influences. It's worth researching, if you are interested in religiousopression such as I am. I don't know why...I suppose that I am interested in sad things. But hey...what did you expect from the Prince of Anime Angst? And by the way...do you like this fic? Why do I get the impression that this has nothing to do with Yu-Gi-Oh?