Asylum
By Katsuya Kaiba
"…Zahra?" Sethe's voice came from nowhere, and Zahra sat up quickly and realized that he'd nearly fallen asleep.
"Sethe? Are you…" Zahra rubbed at his eyes and looked again, finding Sethe standing just before the bed. "Are you finished?"
Sethe nodded and sat on the bed. "With everything. It's late…the sun's already set." Zahra noticed that Sethe was in his sleeping clothes, and he wondered vaguely as to how long he'd been asleep. Sethe swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sighed, lying down alongside Zahra and watching him carefully. Zahra shifted so that he was lying on his side as well, and he met Sethe's gaze nervously.
"I'm so sorry…I couldn't stop it."
"I know." Sethe's face was unreadable, but Zahra could tell that he wasn't mad, even now.
"…But you don't. I'm not just sorry for that. I'm sorry because…because all I ever do is make mistakes, and then you have to make up for them. I don't want to be that…something else that makes things harder." Zahra let his eyes fall to the bed underneath them, not wanting to look at Sethe while he said those things. Sethe was silent, but Zahra could hear him breath and think, without even trying to, and without looking he knew that Sethe was trying to think of words that were the correct ones.
"It's not because of what you are."
Zahra lifted his eyes and looked at Sethe's blue ones, wondering what he meant by that. "What's not?"
"The reason that I want to help you."
Zahra stared at Sethe, unable to speak. He had no idea that Sethe knew he thought that. Or maybe it was something that Sethe had been thinking about himself. "Then…why?"
Sethe opened his mouth and then paused, looking away from Zahra's eyes for a moment. "It's because I…want…to. I don't think that there is a reason for wanting to, other than I just do. I will, anyway, so there's no use in your being sorry. I would do it even if you didn't want me to."
Sethe's words brought relief to Zahra's mind, and he spoke more openly. "I'm glad, though. I mean, I wish that there was something you needed from me…but you'd say so, wouldn't you?" Sethe's eyes darkened for a moment, but he looked up at the ceiling and nodded wordlessly.
"Oh…" Zahra's face fell and he sat up on one elbow and looked down at Sethe. "You're leaving tomorrow, aren't you?"
Sethe's eyes found Zahra's again. "Just after we open the shrine. But then I'll be home the following evening, so it really won't be all that long. And Mahado will be here…which is much better then what happened last year. Isis stayed on and took care of the temple…and the entire time I was gone, all I thought about was how she was here, and how much I wished I didn't have to go. I still wish that, even more now that you're here, but Mahado is alright."
Zahra nodded. "At least he doesn't actually want the temple."
Sethe held Zahra's gaze and blinked at him, confused. "What?" Zahra realized that he'd said something that no one must have known. He had read Isis's desire when Sethe had brought him into the palace last week, and he'd forgotten that much of the knowledge he had attained in those first few days had been stolen.
"Oh…well, I saw it on her. Isis thinks that she should have the temple, because she's Shemsu-Amun-Ra, and you're not. I thought…I thought you knew."
Sethe shook his head, frowning angrily. "I knew that she wanted me out of the temple, but I didn't know that she wanted to take it from me. Hmph. Well, that's not happening, and she knows it. No wonder she's so much harder on me than the rest of the priests. They really don't seem to care that much, as long as I'm not around them. But Isis…she goes out of her way to make me uncomfortable…not that I do, but still." He frowned and folded his arms behind his head, staring at the ceiling.
"Sethe…did I get you in trouble today…in the ceremony?"
"No…but I'm going to be hearing about it during the entire trip tomorrow. And I'll probably have to explain what happened to the Pharaoh in private, but since I warned him, he can't be angry with you or me. I don't know why he would be, anyway. It's not like you hurt anyone, and I know that you only did it in self defense."
Zahra relaxed again and laid his head back down on the bed. "I didn't like that ritual." He thought of something just then and reached out, pushing against Sethe's shoulder. "Hey! Why didn't you tell me that my birthday was the same day as Suti's? Doesn't that mean anything?"
"It might. But it might not. It doesn't change anything. You're still what you are, and you would be even if you had been born on any other day." Zahra said nothing to that, and instead he looked at Sethe and thought about the way that he looked, and wondered if Sethe noticed it. He must have, it was more obvious than anything else about him, but still…Sethe had never asked. Was it because he knew that he looked strange, as well? Or was it that he just didn't care? Zahra had never met anyone who hadn't immediately asked him where he was from, but Sethe hadn't so much as mentioned it about either one of them.
Maybe he doesn't like to talk about it…but I've never actually asked him if being Shemsu-Suti was the real reason that I look this way. I heard it once, long ago and just assumed that it was true, especially since Sethe looks different, as well. I won't ask him, though…not yet. Zahra closed his eyes, the sleepiness from before returning, and he felt himself drifting off until something stirred above his head, and he felt fingers on his bangs. His eyes opened slightly and saw that Sethe was studying his hair thoughtfully, and Zahra closed his eyes again and wondered what Sethe was doing, but he didn't do anything to stop him.
"I haven't ever seen anyone with hair this color…just like gold. Open your eyes." Zahra did as he was told, and Sethe peered into his eyes closely. "They're just the same…I should have guessed…but I just wasn't thinking about it. Where are you from?"
"Here…in Heliopolis. I was born here, and so were my parents. I don't remember exactly how they looked, but I remember wondering why I didn't look like them when I was young…why?" Zahra cringed and closed his eyes again, suddenly uncomfortable under all the attention. "I know I look strange…is it bad?" He opened one eye and waited for Sethe's response, caring for the first time about what would be said. He'd always just brushed it off whenever someone thought he was ugly, caring for awhile but then forgetting about it eventually, but he didn't want Sethe to think that.
Sethe shook his head. "No…"
Zahra closed his eye, satisfied that Sethe was telling the truth, and he didn't open them again until Sethe woke him up the next morning to take care of the shrine.
"Now, Mahado will only be here in the morning and the evening, for the shrine. You'll be here alone during the day, but you've got a lot of work to do with your writing, so just keep yourself busy. Those owls…they need work." Zahra scoffed and frowned at Sethe, who smirked and then stopped walking. They had reached the temple entryway, and Sethe was ready to leave. He paused, looking as though he wanted to say something, but then deciding against it.
"And you'll be back tomorrow night?"
Sethe nodded. "I should be home in time to close the shrine tomorrow night, but I probably won't feel much like doing it. Mahado has his own room in the palace, so the bed is all yours tonight. Don't get too used to it, though…you toss and turn enough as it is."
Zahra pushed him towards the staircase. "Just go already…I know what to do."
Sethe stood still on the first step, looking at Zahra, and he seemed frozen in place until Zahra smiled at him and touched the necklace on his chest. "I'll try not to break anything." Sethe grinned back at him and left, walking down the stairs and meeting the Pharaoh and everyone else who was going along to the Akhet. Zahra walked forward and sat down on the very first step and watched them go, wondering what he was going to do all day long. They had just finished opening the shrine, and the sun was now barely above the horizon. Zahra had an entire day…no, two entire days that were all his, and he wasn't going to waste them in the library.
Forget the owls…I'm going exploring! I haven't seen hardly any of the rooms in the temple, and Sethe said that there were…twenty, I think, maybe more…and Mahado isn't here to watch me…I've got my own temple.
Zahra stood up from his seat and skipped inside the temple, wondering where he should begin. He could start from one end and work his way down…or he could just run down the halls and randomly run through doorways. The second option being by far the most favorable, Zahra took off down the first hall and made a mental note not to be late to the shrine that evening.
He caught up with Mahado just as he was walking into the room, and congratulated himself for making it on time. The temple, Zahra had decided, was boring. There wasn't a single room in the temple that he had come across with anything terribly exciting in it, and he'd spent most of the day walking into rooms that he swore he'd already been inside of. There was only one hallway left that Zahra had yet to conquer, the dark one that lay deep inside the temple, where he had cast his first spell.
Mahado was quiet, just as Sethe had mentioned, but now that he and Zahra were alone, Zahra thought that perhaps he was just a little too quiet. Zahra still liked him; he was by far his favorite priest, not including Sethe, who Zahra didn't really see as a priest, anyway. Mahado didn't give Zahra a single instruction, and instead would look at him expectantly whenever it was Zahra's duty to do something, and Zahra was glad that he'd been practicing with Sethe for so long. After the shrine was sealed Mahado and Zahra ate together, and Zahra kept trying to think of things that the two of them could talk about, but it seemed to Zahra that Mahado wasn't too receptive to conversation.
"So…what's that thing around your neck?" Mahado looked down and pointed to the necklace that he wore, which was a large ring with a gold pyramid inside of it, and Zahra noticed that Mahado's necklace looked a good deal like Isis's necklace, and that other priests' eye. Zahra winced at the memory and then directed his attention back to Mahado. "Yeah…where did you get it?"
"From the Pharaoh." Mahado's voice was quiet, but Zahra understood him and smiled.
"He gave you that? Wow…I like it. It sort of looks like Isis's necklace. Does yours do something too?" Mahado nodded and continued to eat, and Zahra figured that he would most likely have to ask him to say what it did. Mahado, while being extremely nice, was not a conversationalist.
"What can it do?"
Mahado looked away from Zahra and fingered the ring around his neck. "I'm not really sure…"
"Oh…well, it still looks nice." Zahra smiled brightly at Mahado and took a huge bite of his bread.
"You're Shemsu-Suti."
Zahra nearly choked on his food, but he managed to swallow it and then he brought his eyes up to Mahado's, which were as agreeable as ever. Mahado didn't look away this time, and Zahra found that he couldn't, either.
Uh-oh…how did I mess this up? Sethe is going to kill me…it's too late now; he didn't ask me if I was, he flat out told me. Oh…I hope he didn't just take this job so he could get me alone and kill me…after being in that ceremony yesterday, it wouldn't surprise me.
"Uh…I…um…" Zahra fumbled for the words that would not come, and Mahado looked down and calmly kept eating his dinner.
"You are. It doesn't matter to me." Mahado was as friendly and calm as he always was, and Zahra let his muscles unclench slightly, sensing that he was telling the truth.
"It doesn't? But…but aren't you a follower of Amun-Ra?" Mahado nodded his head and took another bite of food, and Zahra was even more confused than before. "Then…aren't you supposed to hate me?"
Mahado paused and studied Zahra for a moment, then shrugged his shoulders. "I suppose. But I don't think that I will hate you." He hesitated again, and thought out what he was going to say fully before he spoke again. "The Pharaoh doesn't hate Sethe for it, and he doesn't hate you for it. So there isn't any reason for me to hate you for it." He fell into silence once more and stood up, finished with his food and walked towards the doorway. Zahra couldn't believe that Isis and Mahado represented the same group of people. But Isis, as he had learned, had her own interests at heart and was simply using Sethe's disadvantage to it's fullest. Zahra felt as though Mahado truly did hold the best interest of the Pharaoh above all else, and he smiled and waved goodbye to him as he walked out the door, and Mahado smiled back.
Zahra was too tired to do anything else but fall into bed when he was finished, and as he laid there he realized just what it was to sleep alone, after sleeping all those nights with Sethe close by. He reminded himself that it was only for the night, and that Sethe would return tomorrow, perhaps even before Zahra went to bed. He tried to stretch out and make the most of the situation, but it only served to remind him of just how cold it really was, and he curled up on his side and tried to remember the exact moment that he'd become so close to Sethe. He still hadn't been living with him very long, but the time that he had been here was spent almost entirely right at Sethe's side, and Zahra couldn't remember a time when they'd been apart for more than an hour. It hadn't hit him until just now, because he had kept himself busy during the day, but now that the night had set in the darkness followed, and Zahra was afraid of the darkness. It reminded him too much of what he was inside.
Mahado had come to wake Zahra up in time, and Zahra suspected that Sethe had told him to do that specifically; knowing that Zahra would never had gotten up in time on his own. Mahado never made another mention of Zahra's being Shemsu-Suti, and Zahra didn't try to bring it up, and once the shrine was finished and Mahado left, Zahra felt ready to do some more exploring. He left the shrine after he'd eaten and slowly made his way to the far end of the temple, taking his time so that Sethe would come home sooner, at least in his mind.
The hallway he sought was there and just as dark as ever, but Zahra braved the shadows and decided to first find the room that he recognized, the one that Sethe said he had to cast all of his spells inside of. He remembered it being far down, almost to the end of the hallway, and he peeked inside the doorway and found it just as he had left it. Zahra stepped back and was about to turn back down the hall when the last room in the hallway caught the corner of his eye, and he froze in mid step and turned his head.
That wasn't a doorway…that room had an actual door on it, and Zahra walked right up to it and pushed on it experimentally, just to see what would happen. He didn't expect the door to be unlocked, and he definitely didn't expect to watch it swing open so easily. The room inside was as black as night, and Zahra backed away from the darkness that crept over the stone floor and seeped out of the room into the hallway, reaching out for his feet. The first thing that he wanted to do was leave, to close the door and walk away and pretend that he'd never found it. But deep inside, in a place that spoke quietly inside of him, he knew that he wasn't going to do that, and he left the hallway and returned to the main shrine, grabbing one of the torchsticks that were kept inside for lighting the fires.
Zahra was acting on instinct and the only thoughts in his mind were ones of necessity, and he lit the torch on the last fire that burned in the hallway and then walked slowly up to the open doorway and held the light inside. He still couldn't see very much, but he fumbled around in the dimly lit area until he found a plate similar to the one in the shrine of Amun-Ra, but here there was only one, against the center of the back wall. Zahra stuck his hand inside and felt something wet on his finger and knew that if he put the fire to it, it would light just as the others did for Sethe every morning. Zahra backed away from the plate as far as he could and tentatively held out the fire, just barely touching it to the gold and then moving it back, and the fire burst up high and sapphire and lit the entire room, and Zahra saw the red all around him with wide eyes and knew where he was, and knew whose shrine this was, and he froze. The torch in his hands clattered to the floor and his breath caught in his throat as he understood what he was, and knew who he was, after seventeen years of chasing after the sunlight and all the while suppressing the darkness, which never really was darkness to begin with. No…it had been misunderstanding.
Sethe was tired, and since the sun had already set he knew that he wasn't in time to close the shrine himself, and was glad for that. He didn't feel like doing much besides finding Zahra and then going directly to bed. The Akhet had been just as awful as it always was, all those people running about and being so damn merry about everything…Sethe hated festivals, and celebrations, and just about anything else that involved more than two people getting together for more than just a chat. All he wanted to do now was hide away in the temple with Zahra and hopefully never have to come out again, although he knew that each day that passed was just another that brought him closer to next year's flood. He walked into the main shrine and found Mahado eating quietly, looking slightly pensive about something, which caught Sethe's attention at the same time as Mahado's eating alone did, as well.
"Sethe." Mahado nodded his head slightly and then opened his mouth to speak, but Sethe cut him off, unintentionally, anxious to know where Zahra was.
"Where's Zahra?" Mahado looked at Sethe thoughtfully and set his food down.
"He's in the shrine." Sethe stepped back and looked all around, but saw no sign of Zahra. "Not this shrine…another one." Frowning, Sethe stared at Mahado and wondered why he had allowed this.
"But…why would he be in another shrine? He's supposed to be helping you with this one." Mahado only stared back at Sethe with an empty expression, and Sethe sighed impatiently. "Alright…which shrine is he in?" Mahado looked down at his food and remained silent, causing Sethe's impatience to fall into a slight temper. "Mahado…there are seventeen shrines in this temple. Do you really want me to have to go and search through all of them?" Sethe was angry, why was Mahado acting this way?
"Eighteen."
Sethe blinked, feeling something plummet inside of him. "…What?"
Mahado looked up at Sethe pleasantly. "There are eighteen shrines in this temple…but the one that Zahra's in is the one that I don't know about."
Sethe was out the doorway and in the hall the very second that Mahado had finished speaking, and he knew in that moment exactly where he could find Zahra. Sethe had purposely not taken Zahra there, knowing that he didn't truly believe in what he was, and until he did it wouldn't be any use to him. But if he had missed the closing of the shrine, something must be happening in there, and Sethe was instantly worried. There wasn't any real danger, but still, Zahra was alone, and Sethe didn't like that idea, especially in matters such as these. Sethe wished that he had asked Mahado how long Zahra had been in there, but he knew that Mahado either didn't know or wouldn't say. Sethe knew that Mahado was not going to tell anyone of what he knew, and for that Sethe was grateful, knowing that if he were found out Isis would be all over it. And the Pharaoh…he might not like it much, either. But neither one of them understood.
Sethe turned the corner and immediately saw the firelight from the room, burning bright enough to light up the entire end of the hallway with a flickering blue, and he quieted his footsteps and walked carefully up to the open doorway, wondering how Zahra had unlocked it. He could already hear Zahra's quiet sobs, and he crept up soundlessly to the room and stood motionless in the doorway, not sure of what to do in such a situation. He couldn't remember anyone ever crying in front of him before, and he clenched and then unclenched his hands, feeling very apprehensive about being where he was. Zahra was on his knees, on the floor, and his hands were on his face as he cried. Sethe wasn't sure how long this had been going on, but more than anything he felt an incredible urge to go in there and make him stop, using whatever means necessary. He swayed on his feet, debating whether he should go or not, but Zahra sat up suddenly and turned around, knowing that Sethe was home. He didn't stop crying, however, and as Sethe watched him he realized that he couldn't, and he was trying to since Sethe was here but it wasn't possible. Sethe's eyes met Zahra's and the thing that had held him inside the doorway was shattered instantly, and he walked into the shrine and kneeled in front of Zahra, and Zahra closed his eyes and fell forward.
Sethe caught him in time and waited; listening to Zahra crying against his chest and feeling his hands come up and cling tightly to the fabric on his shoulders. The priest bit his lip and let his arms circle Zahra's waist, and he rested his chin lightly on Zahra's head and tried to think of something, anything, that would make him stop, but Zahra spoke haltingly moments later and he had to listen closely.
"I am…I am like you…"
Sethe took a deep breath, knowing that Zahra truly meant it this time. "I know."
Zahra's crying slowed just a bit, and he spoke a little clearer. "I didn't really think I was…until just now. And there's something more…but I don't know who." He lifted his arms and let them fall over Sethe's shoulders, still crying but it wasn't as bad as before. "I'm glad you're home."
Sethe winced at the sound of Zahra's tears but tightened his hold on his waist and tried not to hear it. "Me, too." Zahra pressed his face into Sethe's shoulder and cried harder, no longer able to speak and exhausted from crying for so long. Sethe got the impression that Zahra was nearing an overtired hysteria, and he tried to get Zahra to speak again but he wouldn't respond, and instead only sobbed harder. Sethe sighed, and then pulled Zahra back a bit until he could see his face. He hated to do this, but Zahra had to sleep.
Zahra sat back on his knees and rubbed at his eyes tiredly, but Sethe reached out and pulled his hands away from his face, and as Zahra stared at him he passed his left hand over Zahra's eyes and spoke quietly.
"Neqed, hereret." Zahra jumped slightly but then his body went slack and Sethe caught him before he hit the ground. Zahra's crying had stopped suddenly and Sethe knew that he was fast asleep, and he laid him out in the hallway temporarily as he went back inside the shrine and put out the fire, looking around suspiciously for any signs of something amiss. Everything was as it had always been, and Sethe shut the door to the shrine and turned back to Zahra, still under a deep sleep. Sethe stared at him, still confused as to what exactly had happened to him, but knowing that Zahra most likely wouldn't want to talk about it right away, if ever. He understood now, the same way that Sethe himself understood, and Sethe knew that he now believed in what he was. Zahra had always suspected it was true, and had even admitted so once or twice, but the conviction wasn't there. Sethe hoped that the conviction wouldn't bring fear along with it, as it had for him. Zahra was afraid enough already.
Sethe bent over and hooked one arm underneath Zahra's knees and slipped the other under his neck and lifted him easily, carrying him down the halls that led to Sethe's room. Zahra weighed almost nothing, and Sethe knew that it sure wasn't from lack of eating. Zahra was eating constantly, and Sethe was amazed at how small he really was, now that he had him in his arms. He didn't even feel the slightest strain as he walked through the temple, and he knew that it was partly due to just how much shorter Zahra was than Sethe. Side by side, Sethe had noticed that Zahra's head barely made it to Sethe's shoulders, and everything else about Zahra was the same way. His ankles and his wrists were thin, his shoulders were narrow, and although his legs were long for his size, they were still short compared to Sethe's, and Sethe smiled at the thought and looked down at Zahra's sleeping face. He looked nearly breakable, especially when he was asleep, Sethe had noticed many times since Zahra had come to live in the temple, on nights when Sethe had trouble falling asleep.
Sethe walked inside his room and moved towards the bed, laying Zahra down gingerly and then, knowing that there wasn't any way for Zahra to wake up now unless he lifted his spell, changing his clothes for sleep. He lay down on the other side of the bed and turned over on his side, watching Zahra's chest rise and fall slowly and wishing that he hadn't had to put him under like that. He hoped that Zahra wouldn't be upset with him when he woke up, and Sethe hadn't meant to frighten him. He'd only wanted him to stop crying, more so than he had wanted anything else in a long time.
The moment that Zahra opened his eyes, he knew that he had overslept, but he looked around and saw that Sethe was lying on the bed next to him, fully dressed and reading a book silently.
What happened yesterday…? It's already the next day, and I don't even remember Sethe coming home. I don't remember anything past when I…when I lit that fire. Did Sethe find me in there?
Zahra sat up and looked at Sethe nervously, hoping that he wasn't angry with him. It was no doubt something that Sethe was hiding, although hiding it from Zahra wasn't something that he had expected. Sethe looked up from his book and watched Zahra carefully, waiting for him to speak.
"What happened? Did you…" Zahra's words fell into silence, and Sethe looked back down at his book.
"You don't remember?" Zahra shook his head, and Sethe continued. "I found you in Suti's shrine. Do you remember going inside?"
"I remember lighting the fire…but nothing after that. Why didn't you wake me up this morning?"
Sethe set his book down on the bed and sat up. "You needed to sleep…and I didn't mind." Zahra let his eyes fall to the bed, feeling guilty for what he'd done.
"I…I'm sorry…it was stupid to go in there, and I knew it." He tried to remember what had happened, but nothing would come up, it felt as though his memory was held down deeply by something inside of him that kept it hidden, and instead he remembered what he hadn't done. "Oh, no…Mahado! He-"
"Mahado won't tell anyone. I've already spoken to him. Here, don't think about it right now. Give me your hands." Zahra raised his eyebrows, confused, but he held out his arms and Sethe took his left wrist and undid the clasp on his bracelet.
"What…hey…I can't take those off." Zahra protested, but Sethe ignored him and took his right hand, undoing the bracelet on that wrist as well and setting them on the edge of the bed. He then reached out and took Zahra's ankles and stripped both of them bare, standing up off the bed and taking the tarnished gold over to his barren and lonely single dresser. Zahra rubbed the naked skin, feeling odd and uncomfortable without them on, but he watched Sethe quietly and waited to see what he would do next.
"When I was at the Akhet…I saw something and I knew that you would like it. So I brought it back for you. Actually…I saw a few things." Sethe spoke quietly and his tone held nothing except the words that he spoke, and Zahra watched him as he opened the top drawer and pulled out a wooden box and two bottles filled with something in two different shades, and Zahra recognized them immediately and he gasped, a huge smile breaking over his face.
"You didn't…let me see!" Sethe held out the bottles and Zahra snatched them from his hands, beaming brightly. "Henna…and indigo…Sethe, can I dye my hair? Please?"
Sethe sat down on the edge of the bed and placed the wooden box in front of Zahra. "You can dye whatever you want, as long as you don't make a mess. But don't dye out all the gold." Sethe gave Zahra an odd look, and Zahra noticed it but he smiled anyway and looked down at the box.
"What's in there?"
"Open it." Zahra set the two bottles on the bed beside him and lifted the lid of the box slowly, wondering what Sethe could have seen that made him think of Zahra. His eyes widened and he held his breath for a moment, just staring into the box silently. Sethe reached inside and pulled out the bracelets first, then took Zahra's arm and slipped one of them around his hand, pulling the rings on over his fingers and clasping them all together on the back of his wrist. Zahra watched him as he fastened it, and lifted his hand wordlessly as Sethe reached for it and slid on the other bracelet. They were gold, and instead of the one ring that Zahra's other bracelets had strung to them, these ones had five. Five. And each one set with lapis lazuli. Sethe glanced up at Zahra's face quickly but Zahra was looking at his hands, and Sethe reached into the box and pulled out the anklets, fastening them carefully around Zahra's ankles. He then sat back and watched Zahra, who wore an unreadable expression and pulled his arms around his knees, looking at both of his new sets and thinking quietly.
Sethe cleared his throat. "So…you like them? I know your birthday was a few days ago, but it's not too late, right?"
Zahra glanced up sharply at the sound and nodded slowly, letting his arms fall from his knees and moving forward. He crawled across the bed and kneeled in front of where Sethe sat, pressing his face into his shoulder and wrapping his arms around his neck.
"Yes…thank you." Zahra's voice was whisper quiet, but Sethe heard him and smiled. Zahra held on for a long time, thinking about saying what he thought but then deciding against it, and he pulled back and grinned at Sethe wryly, faintly noticing a light flush on his cheeks. "I hope that you didn't have anything planned for today…" He reached down and grabbed the indigo, "because I'm busy."
The next day Zahra and Sethe sat side by side in the library, Sethe reading, and Zahra pretending to. Zahra lifted his reed and dipped the tip in the ink, and something caught Sethe's eye and he blinked and lowered his book.
"What happened to your nails?" It had escaped him, somehow, in the shrine that morning, but here in the well-lit library Zahra's nails were obviously black, and Sethe stared at them, wondering how he'd done it. Zahra grinned at him and held them up in front of his face.
"Oh, you noticed…I dyed them. See? They match my toes." Sethe leaned back and looked under the table and sure enough, each one of Zahra's toenails was as black as night. "Do you like it?"
Sethe looked back and forth, from his hands to his feet, and thought carefully about the question. "I didn't know you could do that." Zahra frowned at him, and then turned his hands over and looked at them himself.
"Well…I like it, anyway."
"I didn't say I didn't like it…I've just never seen it done."
"But you didn't say that you did, either," Zahra pointed out with a pout. Sethe lifted his book up higher and pretended to read the text, trying to come up with whatever it was that was the correct thing to say. Evidently he hadn't said it yet.
"You didn't give me a chance. I do like it…"
"Really?" Zahra watched Sethe hopefully, and Sethe glanced down from the book he held and nodded silently. "Alright, then…and you still like my hair, right?" Sethe nodded again, not needing to stare at that any more than he already had, and he lifted his book even higher, a bit too high for purposes of reading but perfect for avoiding eye contact. Zahra had taken the indigo and dyed most of the hair around the nape of his neck, casting a shadow underneath the gold, and then framed his face with a few carefully placed streaks of fire red in his bangs. Zahra didn't notice Sethe's aversion and instead continued to practice his writing, which was so much more fun with his new jewelry to stare at while he did so. He put the reed to the paper and then paused, glancing up at Sethe and then setting his reed down, not entirely satisfied with the conversation.
"So, you're sure that it looks alright like this? Because I wanted to dye all of black, but you wouldn't let me." Sethe groaned, not wanting to relive the endless conversation from the day before.
"Why do you want to dye it black?" Zahra shrugged, but he didn't answer. "It's because you want to look like everyone else…isn't it?" Zahra didn't even shrug this time, and instead he fingered his rings absentmindedly, choosing not to answer and knowing that he didn't have to. Seth sighed, put down his book and looked at Zahra completely. "Well…you won't. I'm not saying that it would look bad, but you can't change your eye color, or your skin, either. And anyway…even if you could change all that, what would it matter? You would still be exactly what you are right now…underneath all that."
Zahra tilted his head to the side and looked up at Sethe. "I know…I was just thinking about it, that's all."
"Well, stop. Your hair was nice before, and it still is, because of the color you always had. If you dye it all out, I won't like it." Sethe picked up his book and opened it quickly, staring at it hard and wondering if he'd said too much. Worrying, really, and Zahra watched him and thought that he was angry.
"I didn't mean it like that…I'm sorry. I didn't know that you liked it that much…" Zahra wasn't entirely sure why Sethe appeared to be angry because he didn't feel angry underneath, and Zahra didn't think that he had done anything too terribly wrong.
Maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it right now. He's acting awfully strange about it, though…A feeling broke through his thoughts and came forward into his upper mind, and Zahra looked towards the doorway and spoke without thinking. "Someone's coming." Sethe looked at Zahra first and then the doorway, and a few moments later the Pharaoh walked through quietly and found both Zahra and Sethe staring at him suspiciously.
"What?"
Zahra laughed quietly and smiled at him, then turned to look and see what Sethe was doing. He was staring at his book, even harder than he had been before, and now Zahra was afraid that something was really wrong with him. He knew that Sethe had seen the Pharaoh…why wasn't he talking to him?
"Hello, Sethe…Zahra." Zahra smiled and waved cheerily, and the gold links of his bracelet jangled as he did so. Zahra waved a lot more these days. Sethe only made a noise, just loud enough so that everyone could hear, and continued to look at the pages in front of his face. Zahra watched the Pharaoh, who didn't seem to be surprised by Sethe's behavior, and Zahra thought that perhaps something had happened on their trip, which was the last time that Sethe and the Pharaoh had spoken.
I remember now, Sethe saying something about having to explain what happened at the ceremony to him, since there wasn't any doubt that Isis would tell him and put the blame on Sethe…I wish that I could have stopped that.
The Pharaoh sat down across from Zahra and Sethe and looked the smaller boy over with a suspicious smirk. "Zahra…you're looking well taken care of these days." Zahra smiled and opened his mouth, but Sethe cut him off.
"He is." Sethe glanced up from his book just long enough to give the Pharaoh a glare, and then cast his eyes downward again. His tone had been short, very short, and Zahra couldn't believe that he'd gone from being completely relaxed when he and Zahra were alone to this, angry and sharply spoken. Zahra looked at Sethe questioningly, but Sethe wouldn't make eye contact with anyone. Zahra looked up at the Pharaoh slowly, not sure if it was alright to say anything to him, but wanting someone to explain why Sethe was acting so strangely all of a sudden.
"Sethe…we need to talk."
Sethe flipped a page in his book idly, not bothering to look up. "We already did."
"Well, obviously we aren't finished, because you're still upset." Sethe looked up and met the Pharaoh's gaze, and as the two of them silently stared Zahra's discomfort grew, and he began to feel as though he should leave. He wanted to leave, and he looked at Sethe to see if he would give Zahra any direction, but Sethe was still locked in a heated stare with the Pharaoh. Zahra stood up suddenly and touched Sethe's arm, and Sethe broke the look and glanced up at Zahra, not a trace of his former anger left on his features.
"I'm…I'm gonna go for a minute…" Sethe nodded his head and looked back at the Pharaoh, and Zahra nearly ran out of the room, feeling Sethe's resentment rising steadily in the air. He couldn't stand to be around when Sethe was like that, it hit him hard and deep, and he got out into the hallway and breathed, wondering just what had happened between the two of them. Sethe had a bad temper, but he never spoke anything but praise of his cousin, so whatever had happened must have made him awfully angry. Not wanting to miss out on the information, he tiptoed back down the hallway until he was just a few feet from the doorway and leaned against the wall, listening with every sense that he had. There was a feeling of being cornered, and protectiveness, and behind that was something subtler and foreign, feelings from a person that he wasn't familiar with, he assumed that those were from the Pharaoh. They were calm and collected and represented a slight discomfort, surrounded by a sense of duty, and Zahra listened with his ears, hearing their voices rise.
"…You don't even know what he is." That was the Pharaoh, and Zahra took another cautious step towards the door to hear Sethe's reply. It came, grating and filled with a defensive tone.
"I know plenty about what he is. Far more than you ever will."
"Sethe, I've never been anything but accepting of you, and I don't think that it's fair for you to act this way. I never said that I thought he wasn't Shemsu-Suti, but after what happened at that ceremony, don't tell me that you can't see that he's something more than just that."
"And what would you know about it?"
"Everything that I learned from you…learned with you. Sethe, we've been living together since we were ten, I think that during that time I might have learned a bit about what you are. When we found out, neither one of us knew a thing about it, but we found out together."
"What, you don't think that I see it? Every time I look at him, I know that there's something that I'm overlooking, something about what he is. And I'm trying to help him the best I can. But you…you aren't making it any easier for him. I still can't believe that you forced me to take him to that ritual. I told you exactly why it was a bad idea, and now look what's happened. And then you have the nerve to hold it against him."
"I never said that I blamed him for what happened!" The Pharaoh's voice rose up, and both Sethe and the Pharaoh were speaking loudly, loud enough so that Zahra didn't have to try and listen closely. "I'm only concerned as to what else he may be capable of and unable to control. What if he hurts himself, or someone else? You can't say it isn't possible."
"Zahra wouldn't hurt anything or anyone. He isn't that way."
"How can you be so sure? He's been here, what, a whole two weeks? Less, maybe? I'm sorry, Sethe, but you can't learn everything there is to know about a person in that short amount of time."
"I know him better than you do, and I knew that it was a mistake to put him in that ritual. Wasn't I right about that?"
Zahra could hear the Pharaoh sighing in frustration. "Sethe, you're being unreasonable. I can't just think about Zahra, the way you seem to want me to. I'm responsible for an entire nation of people, and right now, Zahra…through no fault of his own or yours, is a threat to a good number of them. All I'm asking you to do is watch him closely and to keep him under control."
"You talk about him like he's-"
"Like he's what? A slave? He is, and you know that."
Sethe was silent, and Zahra could feel something deep burning inside of him.
"Sethe…" He didn't answer, and the Pharaoh paused for a long minute before speaking again, and his voice had lowered considerably. "Sethe…look at me. You know that I'm not trying to hurt you…don't you? But what happened at that ceremony can't happen again. If you have to teach him Heka, then do it, just make sure that you teach him how to control what he is."
"How can I teach him if I don't have any idea what that might be? You're the one who's being unreasonable."
No one spoke for a minute or so, and Zahra felt that he might need to leave, just so no one saw him in the hallway as they left, but the voice of the Pharaoh came quietly once more, and Zahra waited and leaned in closer to the doorway.
"Look…I don't know what's going on between you two, but whatever it is, it's not more important than what you are. You're my Kher Heb, and that responsibility has to come first. Above all else…so please, don't complicate matters further." Zahra heard the scraping of chair legs against the stone, and he immediately ran away from the doorway and all the way to Sethe's room, praying that he was quick enough. He didn't want the Pharaoh or Sethe to know that he had heard all that, and as he ran the conversation that he had listened to sunk into his mind and the guilt from days before returned, stronger than ever.
It's just as I thought it was, although Sethe said otherwise. Now he's in serious trouble…and it's all because of me. There isn't any way around it…if only I had been able to control myself during the ritual. If only…if only I was just like Sethe and nothing else…I wish that I could remember what happened to me in Suti's shrine…it just feels as though I learned something, something so important. The Pharaoh is right…I am Shemsu-Suti, but there's something more, and I knew it, I knew it on that night. But I just can't remember.
Zahra ran into the room and sat down on the bed, trying to look as though he'd been there the whole time, idly playing with his bracelets, but inside he felt as though he might just scream. Sethe was so…it sounded odd to even think it, but Sethe really was so patient and thoughtful, even if it was only to Zahra. And Zahra knew that he was nothing but trouble, unleashed trouble that could be set off at any time, for any reason, and even he wouldn't know why. But no one did anything but smile at Zahra, even if they had a problem with him. They instead would turn to Sethe, and force him to fix whatever it was. But Sethe couldn't fix what Zahra was…and perhaps no one could.
What if I never learn? If I never remember…? How long will Sethe be able to cover for me? Oh, god…what if I have to leave?
Zahra blinked and his eyes widened as he stared at the bracelets around his wrists. That was the final thought that hit him close to his heart, and he closed his eyes tightly as a stray tear formed on the edge of his eyelids and threatened to fall down his cheek.
But I don't want to go. I can't…I won't. I'll just have to try harder, and figure out how to control this thing inside of me. I have to do something for Sethe besides cause trouble. I'll ask him about learning Heka again…I feel as though that is the right thing to do…
"Zahra?" Sethe walked into the room, and Zahra opened his eyes quickly and then felt the tear that he had held off begin to slide down his skin, and he hastily wiped it away before Sethe could see. Zahra sat up and pulled his legs underneath him crosslegged and smiled, glad for the fact that the cosmetic never ran or came off under tears alone.
"Are you finished talking?" Zahra played innocent, and Sethe looked away and grimaced, nodding his head. He sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at Zahra, and Zahra knew that he was trying to come up with the right words to say.
"The Pharaoh…the Pharaoh was worried about what happened at the ceremony. He wants me to make sure that it doesn't happen again…but I didn't promise him anything. So just do your best and don't worry. You're going to start learning Heka…today. Unless you have something much more important scheduled…like, say, a dye job, or something." Zahra frowned in mock anger, despite the way he felt, and was glad that Sethe was here to lift some of the pressure from his shoulders. He reached out and hit Sethe on the arm, but Sethe only smirked and stood up from the bed. "I'm just saying because you blew off writing all day yesterday and held up the bathroom."
"But it was worth it, wasn't it?" Sethe didn't reply, and instead he only smiled and walked out the door, Zahra trailing along right behind him.
AN: Ahhh! They are so cute! U like?