As Long As It Takes
a/n: I do not own Gundam Wing. This is a one-shot from Heero's POV. I am still working on stories like "Misomeru" and "All The Kisses", but when my computer crashed I wrote this on paper and needed to get it out.
"I love you," he told me.
"No you don't. Not yet. You may think you do, Duo, but you don't," I have never seen anyone look so confused and frustrated before.
"How can you say that?" he asked, sounding a little mad.
"Duo, in order to give your heart to someone, to truly love them, you have to be sure of your own love for yourself. You cannot give your heart fully to me until you admit to yourself that you are worth every ounce of love that I can give you back. And Duo, in your mind you are still that street rat from L2. I can see it in your eyes. When you can accept that you are so much more than that, find me," those were the most words I had ever said to anyone consecutively. I turned on my heel and walked away.
That was three years ago.
I was always told to follow my emotions. I loved Duo, so much it hurt, but he was not ready. When I held him, when I kissed him, when I smiled a rare smile at him, I could see that. If I would have stayed we would have burned brightly, but only for a short time. If he could ever accept himself, and in turn accept me, we would burn steady and softly like an eternal flame. So I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do: I left. I have not seen him since. Quatre begged me to go to him. Trowa urged me to. Wufei just asked if I would and then took no for an answer. I made sure to stay away from places Duo was known to frequent, but I did let him know I was not hiding. I never moved, never changed my phone number or my more public email address. I was just here, and I still loved him. I still wanted him, and I missed him more than you could ever know. I was just waiting for him. I knew the night I left I would always wait for him.
Not that it didn't take a toll on me! I sought therapy after a few months. I went to college and took some classes. I learned more about myself and about the world in which I lived. I went to bars and learned how to drown my sorrows, and I rode roller coasters to experience the thrilling fun of it. I figured out a few things about myself that I probably would have never known otherwise: I prefer sunrises to sunsets, I prefer mountains to the ocean, I like rain but not snow, and that I cannot stand fast food, no way, no how. I read every book I could land my hands on, and I developed a taste for poetry.
Everywhere I went, and everything I did, Duo was with me; never physically, but always in my heart. I dreamed about him when I closed my eyes, and I thought about him every day.
Will he ever come to love himself? I don't know. Will he ever forgive me for leaving? I don't know that either. All I know is that Duo Maxwell is worth the wait. He will always be worth the wait.
&&&
It has been four years since I left Duo. In the last year I started writing my own poetry, got my first college degree, and almost caved in and went to him four times. I took cooking classes and I turned down at least five dates. And I missed him. I missed him so much!
Duo got put into the hospital this year. His appendix came close to bursting and he needed it removed. I came to see him while he was still unconscious. I left a bouquet of white calla lilies next to his bed, along with a card.
Duo,
I am still waiting. I know now that I always will. I hope you feel better, and I pray you do not hate me.
Love,
Heero
Quatre told me later that Duo had cried when he had read it, but only to himself. Quatre said that he had felt the sorrow coming from Duo a mile away. He asked me when this all would end. I told him that it was up to Duo when it all ended. Quatre said something about both of us being stubborn fools, and left it at that.
I got a birthday present from Duo this year too. There was no card, and no return address, but I knew it was from him. He knew where I was, not that I had tried to hide it. The small box had contained a framed picture of a mountain lake. I opened the frame and checked the back of the picture, but there was nothing there. But the whole box smelled of the cologne Duo favored, and it is a scent I have tried more than once to duplicate. I put the framed photo on my bedside table so that I could stare at it as I went to sleep.
Quatre worried about me. Four years with no one to date, four years of never moving on. I told him that he could relax, that I had never felt better, but I knew it was a lie. So did he, I think. I was in stasis, and I never knew when the utter paralysis would end. Duo would be my only salvation, and I maintained the belief that soon Duo would come to me. It was always 'soon'. Never 'someday' or 'one day', it was always 'soon'.
&&&
It has been five years since I left Duo. I changed jobs, and started work on another degree. I learned how to garden, and I ran a marathon. I continued my therapy and started a journal. I published a small book of poetry thanks to Quatre's connections, and I moved into a large loft that was efficient and beautiful to look at. And I almost caved in, more than once. One time was too close. I knew where Duo lived, and one night I found myself on the street in front of his apartment building. It was August, and the night air was balmy as I stared at the fourth floor. I could see his window, and his light was still on. I walked up and pressed the button for 402, Duo's appropriately named apartment.
"Yes?" his voice came over the speaker. I shook my head violently and back away. What the hell was I doing? I faded into the shadows and ran, never looking back. I have not gone back since.
You may want to yell and scream at me, urging me to return to Duo. But I can't. Not yet. I left him a copy of my poetry book, and he must have seen the dedication inside.
For Duo. I will always be waiting. You are my catalyst, my muse. You are the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep, and the first thought in my mind in the morning. I love you.
Quatre told me that Duo kept the book on his bedside table. He knew Duo had read it, and the dedication. Quatre told me that such powerful emotions flow from Duo when he looks at the book that Quatre has to try and shield himself or risk being completely overwhelmed. For some reason, that gives me comfort. I have been without him for so long now. I miss him so much I find myself sobbing in frustration. Someone may tell me that perfect soldiers never cry. They are wrong. I can cry just like anyone else, it is just inconvenient to do so. Someone may try to tell you that I never show any emotion, and they would be wrong again. I keep my emotions in check so that no one knows where exactly my heart lies. That kind of knowledge can be used against you. It can get the people I love hurt. With time I have been able to let go of some of that caution, and now I can openly cry over Duo. I can let go of what I feel, and I have let go in front of all my friends at some point.
"Quatre, he's never going to come back to me, is he?" I asked the vid screen.
"Heero, he spent the first year away from you depressed as hell. He spent the second acting like he didn't care. He spent the third burying himself in work. The fourth he spent in self-exploration. For what it is worth, I think you did the right thing. I did not think so for a very long time, but now I can see that you risked everything to give Duo something. That was the noblest thing you could have done. I don't know anyone who has the strength and conviction you do," Quatre told me, and I flushed a little at his words.
"Is he ever coming back, do you think?" I asked again.
"What will you do if he doesn't?" Quatre replied.
"I will be a shell, but I will always wait. As long as it takes, even though I sometimes feel myself slipping away. My heart is breaking a little every day, and I do not know how to stop it. Quatre, you have got to help me," I hated the desperation in my voice. I sounded weak.
"I will see what I can get out of him, Heero," Quatre told me as the vid screen went blank again.
I drank too much for my own good that night. I remember writing, and crying. I ended up passing out on my couch, still full clothed.
Maybe one day I will tire of this. Maybe one year I will give up and move on. But while my mind tries to convince me of these things, my heart says something completely different. It says that I will never stop waiting. I will always believe in Duo, and in myself.
&&&
I had told Quatre I was taking a vacation to the Northern California coast. I was spending a week just sitting on the beach in what used to be a city called Bodega Bay. That was a long time ago. I am guessing Quatre told Duo where I was. Quatre knew to always let Duo know where I was.
It was dusk. It has been five years, four months, and thirteen days since I had left him. I sat there, transfixed so by the cresting and breaking of the waves that I did not even hear him approach. However, I did notice him plop down unceremoniously next to me.
"Hey," he said softly.
"Hey," I replied, at a loss for words. Was that all I could really manage now that my one true love sat next to me? I ask the question at the very forefront of my mind, "Do you hate me?"
"At first I thought I did. But, you were right. It would have all fallen apart if we had tried then, huh?" I nodded, "I loved you, but it was fast and hard. You deserved better, I deserved better, and I think we deserved better together. Heero, you risked your own heart to give me a chance to find myself. You never knew if I would come back, and yet you waited. You stayed faithful to me and to what might be. You lived your life at a standstill, while I was allowed to do all and see all. You gave me a great gift the day you left me. And now I am here, to give you a gift back," Duo smiled then, a sweet smile.
"What's the gift?" I asked, not trusting myself to say very many words. Tears were already forming at the corners of my eyes.
"Me, as I was always meant to be. The me that always loved you. The me that always knew that your love would be the purest thing in my life. If you will have me, I'm yours. I will give you those lost years back, and so many more. Forever, Heero Yuy. Mind, body, heart, and soul," Duo grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it, letting his lips linger as he made his intentions clear.
I choked back a cry and embraced him, silent tears soaking our shirts. I held onto him like he was my only lifeline in a vast sea; or a precious treasure I had searched too long for. I vowed to myself that I would never let go, never again.
"I love you," I whispered into his ear.
"You have no idea how long I have waited to hear you say that!" Duo gasped as he kissed my mouth.
No Duo, you are wrong.
I do know.