Disclaimer- I don't own Lost. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction, I'd be writing episodes. The title is from a Nickelback song, which I also don't own.
Jack paced the beach as quietly as possible, wondering why he had stayed there so long. He'd come up with a million reasons, such as needing to talk to Ana, needing to check on everyone, making sure they had enough supplies, but none of those things were urgent, and could all have waited until tomorrow, especially after the day he'd had. There was certainly no reason for him to have stayed there once everybody had gone to sleep!
At a loss, he sighed, and walked over to one of the many airline chairs strewn about, and plopped down. He stared at the nearest shelter intently, not sure why he was so focused on it until a few minutes later, when he figured out who's tent it was. It suddenly became so clear to him why he'd come up with so many excuses to not leave the beach. It was the same reason why he'd come up with so many excuses for her to stay behind during the search party, the same reason why he tried to make sure he gave out all the guns before she could ask to come hunt down Ethan with them. He knew he worried about Kate too much, he'd seen how well she handled herself, but it wasn't something he could control. Just the thought of her being hurt made him feel like he was a teetering on the edge of a breakdown, and knowing how deeply he already cared scared him. He didn't want to have to confront those feelings head on, so he did everything possible to prevent that from happening. She was stubborn, though, and always found a way to come with him. Normally, a part of him couldn't help but love the feistiness and independence she showed at those times. Today, however, he just wanted to go back in time and explain to her why he didn't want her to come, even if it meant facing how he felt, just so she would understand, and wouldn't follow them. Jack suddenly felt a shiver go through him despite the fact that it was a warm night, as the memory rose to the surface.
"Alex, bring her out!"
Kate was shoved toward the man, and he grabbed her tightly, ripping the bag off her head. Kate locked eyes with Jack, and upon seeing how terrified she was, he was forced to briefly turn around and try to fight back the tears of panic he could already feel stringing his eyes. He couldn't even bear to look.
Just the memory made Jack feel like he was going to be sick. Everything but Kate had seemed so faded that he'd barely heard what he was being told to do, and he'd been so caught up in staring at Kate in horrified silence that he hadn't even realized the man had been counting until he heard him say three. He'd dropped the weapons, and once they let go of Kate, Jack had been overwhelmed with a sense of relief. It felt like something had been weighing him down, slowly breaking him, and now it had suddenly been lifted off, and everything was okay again. That feeling had triggered something in him, though, and Jack had realized it was the same feeling he'd gotten when Sarah told him she could wiggle her toes. That memory lead to the one of Sarah telling him she was leaving, and as Jack had looked over at Kate, currently being hugged by Sawyer, he'd known in that instant he couldn't do this again. He couldn't go through knowing that his world revolved around her safety, and that if something ever happened to her everything would fall apart. Despite the fact that he hadn't even known her for two months, Jack knew his feelings for Kate already outweighed his ones for Sarah, and he couldn't go through loving her, only to have her leave, suddenly decide Sawyer was the better choice. He'd turned around again, taking in a sharp breath of air, convincing himself this was for the best. When he heard Kate say his name and tell him she was sorry, her voice filled with regret, he had almost lost control and let the tears he was still fighting back fall. Instead, he had just pulled himself together and stiffly asked her if she was okay. As she said yes, Jack had practically felt her thinking 'Please just look at me'. He hadn't.
He'd been handling it fine, managing to stay away from her the rest of the day despite feeling her stares, but it hadn't lasted long, because here he was, outside her tent, watching over her protectively. He knew he had to let her go before things went too far, but he hadn't expected it to be so hard.
He heard a slight rustling from inside the shelter, and straightened up nervously, hoping she was just moving in her sleep. Of course, he had no such luck, and Kate stepped outside, still wearing her clothes from the day before. She gave him a soft smile. He forced himself not to return it.
"I thought I…felt, someone out here."
"Yeah, I uh, just had some stuff to do around here, and decided to take a break," He said awkwardly. "I forgot that was even your shelter."
"Right. Jack, are you okay?"
"I'm fine," He muttered, glancing off into the jungle, wondering both how safe it would be to go through it at night, and when he had become the one who ran away.
"I'm so sorry for what happened, but I was just so mad at being told what to do, and I really wanted to help, and I never even saw them coming!" She told him in a rush, sensing how desperate he was to escape, trying to figure out a way to keep him there.
"I know, you told us. It's completely understandable," He responded calmly, avoiding her gaze, knowing he wouldn't be able to resist holding her to him tightly, and telling her he was sorry for being so cold and how glad he was that she safe, if he locked eyes with her.
"I really just want to-"
"I should get back to the caves," He interrupted, standing up. He couldn't have this conversation and continue to stay away from her, he had to leave now.
"Okay," She said so quietly, he barely heard her. "Goodnight, Jack."
He nodded, turned, and walked off into the jungle. He felt her eyes on him and froze. He took a shaky breath and finally let the tears he'd held back so many times in the last couple days fall.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5."
Composing himself, Jack continued to walk away without looking back.