DISCLAIMER: This chapter is horribly ripped off from The Holy Grail, property of the genius that is Mo0nty Python. Enjoy.

"You're going to make this hard for me, aren't you?" Sirius groaned. Lena bit her lip and glanced at the lower region of his armor.

"That would be the general idea," she whispered. James laughed.

"Do you want to pay now and get it over with?" he asked as Lena headed over to the punch table.

"No, I can resist her," Sirius said, sounding much more confident than he felt. Remus smiled.

"What's with you?" Kim asked. She was wearing a dress not too different from Lily's, but made from silky, almost liquid-like material in a shade of blue that made it look even more like water. The arms, however, were made of shimmering, glittery material. Remus looked confused.

"That looks like something from 2977," he said. "Who are you?"

"Can't you guess?" she asked. Remus looked at her blankly. "Would it help if I lay on my back in the lake and lobbed a scimitar at James?" she asked. Remus smiled.

"Ah, the lady of the lake," he said. "And this," he went on, pointing to her sleeve, "is—"

"Shimmering samite," she said.

"You are gorgeous," he declared, kissing her hand.

"And you are quite dashing as Sir Launcelot," she said. "Keep away, Lily."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lily asked.

"From my Launcelot," Kim continued. "Didn't he and Guienivere have an affair?"

"Yes, you're right," Lily said.

"Remus!" James exclaimed. "My best friend! My right-hand knight, stealing my queen? I feel so betrayed." They laughed, and Ally wandered over. Lena stopped sending Sirius what could only be described as highly suggestive looks over their glasses of punch to laugh herself silly at Ally's costume. She had a white peasant-type dress, with a heavy grey wollen blanket haphazardly tied around her shoulders. A makeshift pointy hat sat on her head and she had a parsnip over her nose.

"A witch!" her eight friends shouted.

"Burn her!" Lily called.

"Build a bridge out of her!" Frank added. Ally smiled, aware that many people were staring at them.

"Oooh, Ally, what have you come as?" Adele asked. She and Sophie were wearing long medieval princess dresses in pink and purple with long cylindrical hats and veils trailing from the top.

"A witch," Ally told her.

"But ... you are a witch," Adele pointed out, talking as though Ally was touched in the head.

"A Medieval, Muggle stereotype witch," Ally explained, feeling that an explanation of Monty Python and The Holy Grail might be too much hassle.

"Oh," Adele said.

"She has a wart," Kim supplied.

"… Lovely," Sophie managed, before turning to Frank. "Who are you?" she asked bluntly.

"A Knight of the Round Table," he replied. "Sir Bevedere." Adele and Sophie smiled.

"And Remus?" they asked.

"Sir Launcelot," he said, winking rather obviously at Lily. James glared at him.

"Who are you?" Sophie asked sweetly.

"I am Arthur, King of the Britons," he said. "And this is my beautiful Queen Guienivere," he went on.

"Lovely," Sophie said, not meaning it.

"Sirius, I'm watching!" James called as Lena inched closer to him.

"It's her!" Sirius replied. "She won't leave me alone."

"I don't want to," Lena said.

"Here," Sirius said, thrusting another glass of punch into her hands.

"Ooh, more spiked punch!" Lena exclaimed. "Great. Just what we need to lower our inhibitions." Sirius snatched the punch back and stalked away, muttering that if her inhibitions were any lower she'd be dancing naked on the teachers table.

"Good idea!" Lena called after him. "Maybe later!" He spun around.

"In front of everyone?" he half-shouted back, shocked.

"Maybe not," she said, walking over to him. She stood on her tiptoes and pressed herself to him. "I could give you a private show later, though," she whispered into his ear. Sirius swallowed and took a deep breath. He had to resist … there was pride and dignity and respect at stake. Nevertheless, his basic instinct was telling him that Lena doing anything naked on his behalf was not something he should refuse.

"No thanks," he said with difficulty. "Excuse me; I'm just going to the bathroom."

"Wonder why?" James asked. Lena smiled. "I think you're going to be my ticket to twenty Galleons."

"This has nothing to do with your money," Lena said. "He can't assume that he can flick a switch and turn off his attraction to me, and I'm going to show him that." James smiled. "So what are the terms of the bet?" Lena wondered.

"I bet him that he couldn't be pure," James said. "No kissing/touching/groping, etc, you all night. Nothing about you kissing/touching/groping him."

"Just what I was hoping for," Lena said. Lily looked at her.

"What are you going to do?" she asked.

"I told you—"

"Are you sure?" Lily interrupted.

"I know him," Lena said. "I know what to do to make him want to kiss me. I know what to say to him to make him putty in my hands."

"If you're sure that's what you want," Lily said. As Sirius skulked back into the hall, Lena smiled.

"Look at him," she said. "How could it not be what I want? Leaving aside how incredibly sexy he is, he is the most amazing person on this planet. In public he's a prankster, prone to fits of recklessness and stuff, but when he cares about someone, he really cares, with his entire being. He is the best boyfriend in the world. Now if you excuse me, I have to go seduce him." She crept up behind him and pinched his bottom.

"Lena," he said, turning away from the first years. "Please hear me out," he said hurriedly. "If you help me out, and behave yourself, I'll be eternally grateful. Really, Lena, I'll buy you every single Fizzing Whizbee in Honeydukes, seven new charms for your bracelet … anything."

"Tut, tut, Siri," Lena said. "Haven't you been paying any attention to Lennon/McCartney?" she asked. "I don't care too much for money, for money can't buy me love …." Lena sang.

"Lena," he whined. "I'll give you anything, do anything, whatever you want," he promised. Lena raised her eyebrows.

"What I really want you to do is …," She whispered something in his ear. Sirius' eyes bugged. Now that would be interesting … he couldn't deny ever imagining that scenario – No, he had to pull himself together.

"I need to go to the bathroom again," he squeaked, and this time Lena followed him out the door.

"Wait!" she called, as he hurried down the corridor, but he disappeared around the corner. She grinned and turned to go back into the hall, crashing right into someone. "Sorry—" she started, but faltered when she recognized the person she had collided with. Staring at her was a Slytherin who looked almost identical to Sirius, except a few inches taller, and without the same feeling of warmth she felt radiating from her boyfriend. There was only one person, therefore, who it could be. "Regulus," she said.

"Lena," he said, trying to appear forceful and domineering.

"You're tall for a little sixth year," Lena said coolly.

"You are just the right size for a stupid little mongrel," he retorted.

"Pity you're not as handsome as your brother," Lena mused. "That might explain why you're not getting any."

"Are you offering? I'm afraid I'll have to decline, I'd never be able to live with myself if I touched you."

"Well, I'm not offering you anything, I'm afraid your brother is the lucky one," Lena said calmly.

"But he doesn't seem to want it either, does he?" Regulus went on. "Maybe he is too friendly with those friends of his."

"Interesting statement," Lena remarked. "I'm just trying to figure out if you are jealous because Sirius has friends, or if you fancy James."

"Lee? What's going on?" Sirius had returned from the bathroom and was glaring at Regulus.

"Nothing, just having a nice chat with Reggie," Lena said. "We're almost related, really."  A muscle twitched in Regulus' face. Sirius' eyes fell on Regulus' attire.

"Where did you get those?" he asked, wrinkling his nose at the moss-green medieval robes.

"These have been in the Black family since 1297," Regulus informed them.

"That explains why they smell so bad," Lena said. "Ever heard of washing robes?"

"It's just the smell of proper wizarding pride," Regulus replied dryly. Don't expect you mother displayed much of that."

"Still smelled a lot nicer than your mum," Lena muttered.

"Not anymore, though. I suppose she'll have decomposed by now."

"Your mother did that long time ago."

Sirius wondered if every meeting between Lena and his family would consist of him standing there, growing steadily angrier, and her remaining cool.

"Lovely having this little chat, Reggie," Lena was saying, "but we're going to head back inside." She grabbed Sirius' arm and led him through the doors, back into the hall.

"How do you manage to do that?" Sirius asked. "Stay calm in front of my family?"

"My love for you," she said, pressing closer to him. He sighed, and stepped away from her.

"I thought you'd given up on that," he said.

"No chance," she replied.

"Remus!" James said, exasperated. "Stop it."

"What?" Remus asked.

"Winking at Lily," James said. "It's annoying."

"It's all in your head," Remus said, grinning. "D'you fancy a dance?" he asked Kim.

"About time you started paying attention to me," Kim said, pulling him onto the dance floor. As he went, Remus blew a kiss at Lily.

"Save a dance for me," he called. Lily laughed, but James scowled.

"He's only joking," Lily soothed.

"He's been flirting with you all night," James said. "It was funny at first, but now I'm sick of it."

"Aww, poor Jamesie's jealous," Lily cooed. "Don't worry; I'm not going to run away with Remus."

"I know," he said, wrapping his arms around her.

"Though if Paul offers, you know I'll e off in a shot," Lily added. "Or George. Or Ringo. Or John." James sighed. "Well, be fair, I've loved them since I was a baby."

"I suppose," he said. "Thank god for Linda. And Liv. And Barbara. And Yoko." Lily laughed.

"Look at Sirius," she said. Sirius was dancing with Lena to a slow song. His hands were placed chastely on her waist, but Lena's hands were inching ever lower on his back. Lily couldn't hear what Lena was whispering into his ear, but the look on Sirius' face made her suspect that she could guess the gist of it.

"Oh, I love Lena," James said happily. Lily looked scandalized.

"And you're complaining about Remus!" she said. James grinned. He took Lily's hand and led her to a table.

"I have something for you," he said, and pulled out a small velvet box. "Happy Valentines Day," he said, giving her a quick kiss. Adele and Sophie, who had been standing nearby, edged closer, peering over Lily's shoulder. But they couldn't get a proper view …

"Oh, James, it's beautiful," Lily said. "Is that … is that a real diamond?" James nodded coyly. Adele gave a little scream and ran to Lily.

"Congratulations!" she exclaimed, hugging her.

"Are you ok, Adele?" Lily asked, patting her back gingerly. Adele stood up, beaming.

"Yes!" she said. "Well, let's see it, then," she urged.

"Oh, my present," Lily realized. "Here. Isn't it beautiful?" She held up the box. Inside lay a black guitar pick, with a tiny diamond set into it. Sophie's brow furrowed in confusion.

"What's that?" Sophie asked.

"A guitar pick," James said. "For the best bassist in the world."

"Second best," Lily corrected. "I love it. I love you." She kissed James, and took out her own velvet box.

"What a coincidence," he said. "Another pick."

"It looks old," Adele commented.

"I was given it by a friend I met when I was younger," Lily explained, grinning.

"And his name?" James asked, swallowing hard.

"John," she replied. James stared at the pick with an expression of what could only be described as awe. Lily smiled.

"I can't take this—" he started, but Lily shook her head.

"Take it," she said. "You deserve it."

"When did you get this?" he wondered.

"I was … ten, I think." James calculated …

"So, around the time of Come Together?" he whispered in awe, fingering the pick. Lily smiled.

"I know."

"This is worth, like, gazillions of Muggle money."

"I'm not sure that that sentence was grammatically correct. And it's also slightly worrying that you don't know Muggle currencies, since you're sitting an exam on their culture—"

"Lily, what did we agree? No mentioning exams tonight."

"Indeed, Ms Evans. Enjoy yourself tonight," Dumbledore added, walking up behind them. "And I see Mr. Potter has remembered to buy a gift."

"Yes, Sir," she said. "I really like your costume." The headmaster was resplendent as Merlin.

"I know it is a trifle clichéd," he admitted, "but it was either this or Morgana le Fay, and I was rather afraid of what tomorrow's headline would be in the Daily Prophet. Besides, the costume suits professor McGonagall far better." James and Lily smiled. "Ah, Mr. Lupin," Dumbledore greeted. "Sorry, Sir Launcelot," he amended.

"Evening, Sir," Remus said, taking a seat. "Dancing is tiring work. What's that?" he asked James, who had been staring intently at his pick.

"Lily's Valentines Day gift," he said. "A pick."

"Oooh, it looks cool," Remus said. "It's got … character. Look at what Kim got me," he went on, holding out a Magpie pick with his initials engraved on it and a Quaffle floating around it.

"Where did you all get the custom-made picks?" Ally wondered, joining the table.

"Mail order," Kim explained. "But I had Lily charm the Quaffle."

"Stay away from me, you vile, vile temptress!" Sirius shouted, rushing to hide behind Frank. "Oh, hello, Sir," he added, spotting the headmaster.

"Mr. Black," Dumbledore nodded. "And Ms White. Tell me, who are you?"

"Oh, I'm a character from my favorite film," Lena said, and explained about the Holy Grail. "And Kim is the lady of the lake," she finished. Dumbledore smiled and stood up.

"In that case, I'd best be moving on," he said. "Good evening." Kim looked at her costume, confused.

"What was that?" she asked.

"The legend goes that Merlin fell in love with the Lady of the Lake and ended up being Transfigured into a tree," Lily explained.

"Ok, so Remus and Lily are having an affair, Dumbledore is in love with Kim, Sirius can't kiss Lena who is tempting him, Frank is about to burn Ally, and Peter is running away – this party is fun," James declared.

"Hear, hear!" Lena agreed.

"I'm not running away," Peter mumbled.

"Bravely brave Sir Robin—" James started, but Peter silenced him with a glare. "Sorry," he said. "Evans!" he said, standing up and stowing his pick securely in his pocket. "Dance floor, now!"

"Yes, your majesty," Lily replied, giggling as James spun her onto the floor.

"He's good," Ally observed.

"Potter is an amateur," Frank scoffed. "Longbottoms, on the other hand, know how to dance. Shall we?"

"Um … well, I'm not that great," she warned him.

"I'm sure you're good," he said.

"I have three left feet," she insisted.

"You've never danced with me," he said. Ally smiled. He pulled her up and led her to the floor. "Just let me lead. I'll do all the work from there. Yes, Sirius, I am aware of how dodgy that sounds," he said, spotting Sirius grinning as he danced with Lena beside him. Ally was pleasantly surprised to find that she could hold her own while being spun (faster and more expertly than James was spinning Lily), twisted and even tossed once or twice. She would always look back proudly on two achievements: she only stepped on his toes twice, and managed to avoid taking his eyes out with her parsnip nose.

"We give up," Lily panted, exhausted.

"Yeah, show offs," James added, retreating to the table. Frank grinned, but didn't stop dancing.

"Frank and Ally are having fun," Lena commented.

"Are you and Sirius?" James asked her pointedly.

"No," Sirius told him, a distinct note of pride in his voice.

"C'mon, Lena, time is running out," James said.

"I know what I'm doing," Lena reassured him. "Siri, come with me," she said. Her boyfriend eyed her warily. "I just want to give you your Valentine's Day gift," she explained, taking his hand and leading him to a corner of the hall. "Oh, relax; I'm not going to bite. Here." He took the gift gingerly. "Oh, for Merlin's sake, the present isn't going to jump out and molest you."

"It could be part of your secret plans to seduce me."

"They aren't that secret, let's face it. I've hardly been subtle."

"That could be inadvertent."

"And in your mind, how much time do I spend on these plans?"

"Oooh, quite a lot of time actually. To the detriment of your studies, in fact. Pity it's not working."

"So far. Open the present, you twat." He grinned and began undoing the bow, still speaking.

"If that's part of your plan, you know, calling me names, you might want to reth— Wow, drumsticks! Wow, Tornadoes drumsticks!" He glanced over her shoulder to see if James was looking. He gave her a quick hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

"Oooh, Sirius," Lena said, "don't let James see you do that."

"It was only a hug," he said firmly. "Don't go getting any ideas."

"I've always had ideas," she said.

"Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Stop, or I won't give you your present," he warned her.

"Aww, c'mon, I gave you a present," she protested.

"Say 'please'," he instructed.

"Please," she trilled obediently, and then grinned. "Last night I said these words to my girl …," she whispered. Sirius smiled.

"Can we have even one conversation without the Beatles?" he wondered.

"Please please me, whoa yeah, like I please you," she went on, ignoring his words completely, but inching closer and closer to him.

"Right, I warned you," he said, stepping back. "You wouldn't stop seducing me, so I'm not going to give you your present."

"Siri!"

"Nope," he said. "You don't deserve it." Lena pouted for a second, and then a grin spread slowly across her face. Sirius didn't have a good feeling about this.

"Yes, I have been bad," she said, hanging her head. "Wicked Zoot. Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot. I must pay the penalty."

"You're definitely not getting it now," Sirius said quickly, taking another step back. She raised an eyebrow and pulled out her wand.

"Accio present," she said sweetly, pointing her wand at him. A small box came zooming from his pocket. Sirius tried to catch it, but didn't stand a chance against her Chaser reflexes. "Oh, Siri, it's gorgeous!" she breathed, holding up the tiny charm for her bracelet. She wrapped her arms around him. "Can you put it on for me?" she asked. He attached the charm, and looked her in the eye.

"You took that illegally," he reminded her.

"Yes I did, wicked Zoot. Evil, nasty, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot," she lamented. "I have been very bad and must be punished." Sirius had a sneaky feeling what would be coming next …

"Stop, Lee—"

"Spank me, Sir Galahad. Tie me to your bed and spank me."

"Lee, this is getting out of hand—"

"And after the spanking, the—" Sirius clapped his hand over her mouth.

"You are not finishing that sentence," he said. Lena looked delighted.

"Ok," she said, after taking his hand from her mouth. She was already extremely close to him, but he was shocked to find that she could move closer.

"Lena—"

"I can kiss you," she reminded him ion a voice barely above a whisper. God, that was a sexy voice, he thought. She placed a soft kiss on his cheek, and then another lower, lower … His brain tried frantically to work.

Stop her!

She's not doing anyone any harm, really…

You'll loose the bet!

Mmm … Sorry?

Snap out of it!!

Lena's kisses were growing longer …

HELLO! ANYONE HOME? You have to stop her – she'll seduce you, you'll loose the bet, you'll be a laughingstock!

But she's nibbling my ear …

Lena almost had him, and she knew it. She moved her lips to the spot just below his ear and kissed it slowly, relishing his sharp intake of breath. She was bout to repeat the process on his other ear, when he grabbed her hand, and dragged her out to the entrance hall.

"Lee," he panted, and not from running.

"What?" she asked.

"J-James might see," he said.

"See what?" she whispered. Sirius swallowed.

"You are such a scarlet woman," he managed, eyes not moving from her lips. He lunged forward and kissed her.

Lena barely had time to revel in her victory. Sirius was clearly going to make the most of this kiss: he had lost the bet, but he might as well have fun if it was going to cost him twenty Galleons. He barely heard the door to the grounds open and close, or the sound of voices and footsteps.

"It's him!" a voice proclaimed, and to his dismay, he recognized its owner. Of all the times for his parents to show up … Rather reluctantly, he untangled his tongue from Lena's and turned his head to them.

"Bugger off," he said, and went back to the matter at hand, or mouth. But his parents were still standing there, and while he was quite content to continue, Lena found their gazes disconcerting.

"Go away!" she said. "Haven't you got anything better to do than stare at us?"

"If you weren't in a public place—"

"Oh, go find Reggie," Sirius burst out.

"You lied," Mrs. Black accused. "You lied to Dumbledore."

"I don't know how long it is since you two have had sex, but you seem confused," Lena said. "This is a kiss. And a good one at that. Or rather, it was, until you interrupted." She went to resume, but …

"I can't believe your nerve—"

"Right, Lee, come on," Sirius said, dragging her over to a nearby cupboard and slamming the door. No sooner had the sound of the door finished reverberating around the Entrance Hall than the doors from the Great Hall burst open. James strode out, followed by all the others.

"Excuse me, did you happen to see a knight and a maiden ar—" he started.

"If you mean Sirius and that – that trollop—" Mrs. Black interrupted.

"Her name is Lena," James cut in. "And while we're on the subject, she's not a trollop."

"Then what is she doing in that cupboard with a boy?" Mr. Black challenged.

"Winning me twenty galleons," James said happily, and grabbed the door handle. Sirius pulled back and swore.

"Mum, why don't you get the f—" he started, then spotted James and swore again. James held his hand out expectantly. Sirius sighed. "Sorry, I seem to have left my wallet in my other armor. I'll get you later. Now, if you don't mind …" He pulled the door closed. Lily laughed.

"He's not getting away with it that easily," James said. "I want to have a good gloat." He opened the door again. This time, it was Lena who swore, Sirius merely took a deep breath. Before James could say a word, Sirius was dragging Lena out of the cupboard, past his parents and up the stairs.

"Oi, wait!" James called, but they were already well out of earshot. He shook his head. "Youngsters today, eh?" he said to Sirius' parents. "Only one thing on their mind." He smiled winningly at them, and returned to the hall.

A/N: Sorry. Took ages, I know. But there it was, and a very long chapter at that. Hope you liked it. Cheers to spawnofsatan and the rest, for making me do this.