Chapter 3

"So, Phil, name all the girls you've kissed." Tommy said drinking his coffee at the bar of Doug's Diner.

"What? We'd be here all day, and I have to get to class." Phil said.

"Huh?"

"Kimi's taking the whole week off and I'm subbing."

"Oh. Well, tell me some of the girls you've kissed."

"Okay, Britney Tallor, Ginger Cal, Lil..."

"Lil? I mean, like make out, kiss."

"Okay, Britney Tallor, Ginger Cal, Lil..."

"You made out with your sister!?"

"Remember that party in high school where I got drunk and you saw me kissing a girl and you and Chuckie were happy for me?"

"Yeah. Oh! That was Lil?" Tommy asked. Phil nodded.

"Okay, have you seen her naked?"

"Yep. High school again. Walked in on her in the janitors closet."

"Having sex?"

"No. She was drunk, ran into the janitor's closet and stripped. I was going in their to have sex."

"Oh. I'm not even going to ask if you've slept with her."

.....

"Yo Philly!"Vinny yelled.

"What?" Phil asked reading a play boy.

"What about Finster? You done it yet?" Vinny asked.

"What?" Phil asked.

"Its no use, Vinny, he's too stupid." Kasie said.

"Tch. Just tell me what, and I'll do it right now." Phil said.

"Ask out Miss. Finster." Carl said.

"What? No."

"We talked about how miserable you were yesterday." Joan said.

"Well, today I'm happy." he said.

"For goodness sakes, just call her!" Tyler shouted.

"For the last time! No!" Phil yelled.

"Please." John begged.

"NO!" he yelled. "Now, back to sitting quietly while I catch up on my reading."

.....

"Thats gross, Lil." Tommy said entering her office.

"Tommy, cant talk now." Lil said. Suddenly the phone rang. "Hello? Oh, hi Mr. Wackaposh." she continued talking on the phone.

"I mean. Making out with your brother, then getting naked in the closet. " Tommy said not caring that she was on the phone.

"Please Tommy." she said to him. "No, not you Mr. Wackaposh."

"I mean, I just hope you didn't sleep with him."

"I've never slept with him!" Lil shouted. "No, Mr. Wackaposh, not you."

"But you made out with him. Thats wrong." Tommy said

"Tommy! For God's sake! Get out of my office!" Lil yelled.

"Geeze, okay, okay, you dont have to yell." Tommy rolled his eyes and left.

.....

"Doug, get me a coffee to go." Chuckie said walking in.

"Okay, so, you got a girlfriend?" Doug asked.

"Well, kind of. Got a date tonight, but I dont know why I'm telling you this." Chuckie said. "I dont like you."

"Why dont you like me?" Doug asked.

"You stole my eraser in high school."

"What? You hate me because I stole your eraser in high school?" Doug asked. He started to laugh. "Hey Larry! Come here!"

"What?" Larry, Doug's best friend and room mate came over and asked.

"Listen to this." Doug said. "Go on Chuckie, say it."

"Okay, I dont like Doug because he stole my eraser when we were in high school." Chuckie said. Larry burst out laughing.

"Chuckie, Doug stole alot of things in school. Erasers, pencils, condoms." Larry said.

"Yeah, I stole everything I could get my hands on." Doug said. "Hey! If I ever stole anything from anyone in this building, raise your hand." Doug yelled out. Almost everyone raised their hand. "Now, raise your hand if you hate me for it." Only one person rose their hand. "Well, you hate me because I slept with your ex-wife." Doug said to the man.

.....

"Whoa." Phil said looking at his magazine.

"Yo Philly! Why dont you call Finster?" Vinny yelled.

"Okay, kid, listen, I dont like you, and you dont like me. So shut up." Phil said. "She's my roommate, and nothing else, except my friend, and my friend's sister, and the girl I made out with at my sister's wedding."

"You made out with her at your own sister's wedding? Thats gotta mean something." Jeffrey said.

"It means nothing. I'm one of those guys who sleeps with them twice, or once, then never calls back." Phil said.

"You slept with her?" Joan asked.

"No. I wish though, er, I mean, no. No."

"And she's your roommate. Just go climb in bed with her." Jessie said.

"For God's sake. Geeze, why wont you freakin kids just leave me alone. I want to live my life. Without you!" Phil shouted.

Joan looked a little nervous. "But-"

"NOOOOO! Shut up!" Phil yelled. "Now, back to work! You freakin kids!"

......

The next day, Tommy and Chuckie were at Doug's Diner. "Hey Chuck, I was wondering, you know how I quit my directing job? I kind of need a new one, and was wondering if you could help." Tommy said.

"No problem T." Chuckie said grabbing a newspaper. "Lets see, how about pet store owner ?"

"No."

"Technician?"

"No."

"Jockey?"

"What? No."

"Fine. Geeze. Just pick something."

"Fine! I'll try for the pet store owner."

.....

"Phil!" Kimi shook him.

"Go away." he said.

"Phil, its 10:00." Kimi said. Phil jumped up and looked at the clock.

"Dammit!" he yelled.

....

Phil ran into the classroom and saw another person. "Hi." he said.

"Um, hi. This is my class." Phil said.

"Nope. For the rest of the week its my class." the man said.

"Oh. Okay. Um, by the way, watch out for that Italian kid, he's trouble." Phil whispered and left. He walked back to his apartment. "Um, Kimi, there was someone else there."

"Oh, I know. Pangborn called and said, you're fired."

"Oh. Okay. Okay, um, I'm going down to the diner." Phil said and walked to Doug's Diner. Susie and Chuckie was there.

"Hey Phil." Chuckie said. "Whats wrong?"

"Pangborn fired me. I-I really liked that job." Phil said.

"You could still have it." Susie said. "Just, like, become a substitute teacher."

"Not a bad idea, Suse." Phil said.

"Hey Phil." Doug came over to them. "Did, heh, did Chuckie tell you why he doesn't like me?"

"No."

"Tell him, Chuck." Doug said.

"I dont like Doug because he stole my eraser when I needed it for a test." Chuckie said.

"So what? He stole my condom when I needed it for a test, if you know what I mean." Phil nudged him.

"Um, yeah. I do. But thats not the point. I failed that test because I didnt have an eraser." Chuckie said. "For the question:What is the capital of Kentucky? I put Tennessee. Because I didnt have an eraser. I meant to put Frankfort."

"Stupid. You put Tennessee?" Doug asked.

"But, I made a-"

"Yeah Chuckie. Everyone knows the capital of Kentucky is Nova Scotia." Phil said. "Duh."

"Phil, Nova Scotia is-never mind." Chuckie rolled his eyes.

.....

"Okay, so you want the job as the guy at the counter?" the manager of the pet store asked.

"Yeah. So, can I have the job...." Tommy said.

"Hank. I'm Hank. And yeah sure, take the blasted job." Hank said.

"Thanks." Tommy said. He walked over to the counter and waited for a customer. After two hours, still no customers. Hank walked in.

"What the? No customers?" Hank asked.

"Nope." Tommy replied.

"Idiot, you forgot to change the closed sign, to open." Hank sighed and changed the sign. A few minutes later, someone walked in.

"Um, do you have snakes?" the man asked.

"Yeah. What kind?" Tommy asked.

"Python, Andaconda, Boa Constrictor, anything long." the man said.

"Yeah, okay, whatever. Back there." Tommy pointed in the back.

"Thanks." he said and walked back there to look for snakes. A few moments later, he came back with a python on his shoulders. "Um, I'll take this one."

"Okay, that would be-"

"No. I'll take it."

"Okay, it costs-"

"I dont think you're hearing me out. I'm going to TAKE it." the man said. " I must. It calls to me. It wants me." the man said freaking Tommy out.

"Um, okay. Just go."

"Thank you. My snake and I thank you, mortal fool."

"Just get out!" Tommy yelled.

"Get him my child!" the man threw the snake at Tommy.

.....

"Well, they wouldn't take me." Phil said. Him, Lil, Kimi, and Chuckie were at Tommy and Lil's apartment.

"Why?" Lil asked.

"Well, they thought I was crazy." Phil said.

"You probally said you fought in Vietnam." Kimi said.

"Yep. I wish I would stop that." Phil said as Tommy ran in.

"I just quit." he said. "Lil, please get me a first aid kit."

"What happened?" Kimi asked.

"Well, this guys wants a snake, so he gets one and insists on taking it without paying for it. Then he thinks he's immortal. Then he throws the snake at me." Tommy said. "I got bit four times."

"The snake bit you?" Chuckie asked.

"Once." Tommy said.

"But you said-"

"Yeah, the snake bit me once, the guy bit me three times. Then he chased me down the street. He finally stopped at the Burger King." Tommy said as Lil gave him a bandade.

"Oh my God Tommy, one of those bite are bleeding." Lil said looking at his arm. "Is that the snake bite?"

"No. The snake bit my ear. And it hurts dearly. The guy bit my arm and held on. I think some of my skin is in his mouth." Tommy sighed putting the bandade on. "Um, get me anything to help two giant fang marks on my ear."

"Does it hurt?" Phil asked. Tommy stared at him.

"Uh, yeah!"

.....

"Susie." Susie's boss walked in to her kitchen.

"Yeah?" Susie asked.

"You're fired."

"Why?"

"Because, I'm attracted to you." he said.

"And?"

"Well, our code says we cant do that."

"What?"

"Be in love with a chef, waiter, or anything."

"What code?"

"Just go before I kiss you." her boss said. She quickly left.

......

"I cant believe he fired you just because he like you." Kimi said as her and Susie walked down the sidewalk.

"I know. But, he just isnt the right guy for me."

"I was actually meaning that his reason was no reason at all." Kimi said.

"Oh. Well my point is that he is cute and I wish that I had stayed." Susie said.

"You guys, what is the capital of Kentucky?" Phil came up to them and asked.

"Nova Scotia." Kimi replied.

"Okay. I told Chuckie that it was Nova Scotia." Phil said and set off to find his friend.

"Nova Scotia?" Susie asked.

"If we had said different, he would have argued with us until we admitted he was right." Kimi chuckled.

I hope you're enjoying it so far. I'll update as soon as I can.