How could I speak to her brother of what I thought had happened, when I could only speculate myself? When I had not spoken to her parents or my father? I wished there was someone from whom I could seek advice. But, I truly did not know how to describe what had transpired when I kissed Gellwen.
I tried to imagine asking my father but was repelled at how foolish and immature I would sound. "Excuse me, father, could you spare a moment from running this beleaguered kingdom so I can ask you about some peculiar feelings I had when I kissed a lovely Elf maid tonight?" No doubt I soon enough would be forced to do exactly that, but I wanted to try to understand this more clearly for myself before I did.
I had ventured far more with other Elf-maidens with utterly pleasant, but inconsequential, results. Indeed, I had been curious as to what kind of response I would receive from such an appealing, intelligent and frankly sensual maid, but I did not intend to carelessly draw so irreversibly near to her. I respected her--in truth revered her--but she carried herself with such assurance, no giggling or pretended shyness, that I let down my guard. I convinced myself that her interest in me was based mainly upon curiosity and that the obsessive ruminating I usually did over any possible overture to her was unnecessary. Perhaps if I had not perceived her as the wiser of the two of us I would have been more careful. Had I deceived myself in my own selfish interest? She could not have known that I had long thought of her with hope and longing. Might not she have been more reticent if she knew of my infatuation with her?
That night, I only considered that Gellwen wanted to be kissed and, enthralled as I was by her loveliness, I was happy—no eager—to oblige her. I was thrilled when she had responded so fervently to our second kiss. But then everything changed. It was no longer merely a surely reckless but oft played game among woodland youth.
Reality dimmed and I felt as though we were wholly transported into another realm, into a supreme state of ecstasy. Heart spoke to heart in the silence of the night. I sensed more than saw an explosion of cool silver light enveloping us that quickly turned golden and warm and seemed to intensify until I feared it would burn us, consume us. I could no longer feel my feet on the ground although I felt my fingers release my bow and my hand flatten, fingers spread, against Gellwen's back holding her closer to me. I was afraid that she might fade away, that perhaps this was only a dream or an hallucination. My body certainly responded predictably, but unpredictably intensely. I am certain she must have been aware of my obvious physical response. There had seemed no point in being regretful, though doubtless I should have been, as she was a maiden and so young (and her father in daily close counsel with mine). The corporeal element of it seemed the very least of it all at that moment. I vaguely futilely fought with little will for mastery of my heart if not my body.
Slowly I became conscious of an underdeveloped form of rational thought while we still drifted uncontained in a world I did not know. We were no longer separate but one entity inflamed with love. I felt I could see her although my eyes were closed. I again became conscious of her body pressed against mine. Her beauty at that moment was beyond belief. She shone with an unworldly radiance and, awed though I was by her, I felt I met her with a light of my own, no less brilliant. I was aware only of hope and fear this moment would never end.
As we melded into a totality that encompassed only the two of us, I recall of no urgency to press for more physically than what we already shared. But, gently at first, and then suddenly, agonizingly, I became aware of our surroundings once more. When the first excruciating wrenching had passed, I caught the sweet warm scent of her and that of the giant tree at the edge of the clearing under which we stood. (Will I ever again smell a fir tree without trembling in memory of that euphoric moment?) I felt her hair, the texture of the fabric covering her back. Last of all I was aware of my own feet planted solidly on the loam covered earth. Her slender body leaned heavily into me demanding my physical support. Slowly we separated and I gazed into her eyes, shining darkly in the light of the moon.
Before she left him at the clearing, it had been Gellwen who had spoken first, "By all the Valar, Legolas, your beauty pierces my heart! I know you have kissed other maids. Tell me is it always like this?" He could not speak. Trying and at first failing, he finally managed to raggedly whisper, "No. Never like this."
"I knew it could not be so, but silly girl that I am, I had to ask." She took his face between her hands and said gently, "Oh, you should see your expression now. Please do not look so forlorn. Why should it frighten you that you are capable of a love so tender that at the slightest provocation it flamed forth with such ardor? I am happy. I wish you to be also, but I must go now."
He felt a panic rising in his chest, so much remained unsaid, not understood or even misunderstood, "Please, Gellwen, do not leave!" he said.
Looking up at him she turned slightly, her features fully illuminated by the moonlight. Smiling consolingly she said, "We will speak tomorrow. Come to my house. Dearest Legolas, I am no fool. I know that something happened though I am not sure what, but do not be troubled. We did nothing wrong."
Again Legolas spoke haltingly, at first, "Please wait," and then more desperately, grabbing her shoulders, "Gellwen, I should tell you, I must tell you that I treasure you beyond all else. Know I will never hurt you. I will love you and be faithful to you forever."
She answered swiftly, "Shhh…trust me; trust yourself. Do not use words like 'should.' What you are feeling now, I share. Know that nothing is immutable until and unless we both want it to be so. But it is also true that whatever we both desire will be so. My grandmother once called this the ultimate blessing and curse on the Eldar. Tomorrow, my love."
She reached up to touch his cheek lightly, and then brushed her fingertips over his lips consciously thrilling him once again. Turning suddenly, before he could respond or take hold of her, she ran toward her family's dwelling, where a door opened--a woman's form a black silhouette against the light of a smoking lamp behind her.
Gellwen's mother spoke quietly, her voice audible across the clearing in the stillness of the night. "Daughter, where have you been?" Her voice did not scold, but was filled with gentle concern. "Mama," Gellwen answered, her voice at once childlike, happy, comforted. Her mother pulled her into her arms and closed the door.
"Well, whatever you were doing certainly did not make you look remorseful."
"I walked into the forest and spent the evening talking with my brother and the Prince."
"And then?"
"Then Legolas walked me to the clearing. He kissed me, mama!"
"Your father will be delighted to know that," her mother said with mild irony.
"Oh, mama, it was so lovely."
"I am certain it was! I well remember my first kiss, although I was a good deal older than you. Enough of this for now. We will talk in the morning. To your room with you and quietly, please."