Dedications: To Oober Goober's sis, Kelly. She's been so supportive (tear) and has provided us with many helpful suggestions. And Melissa for helping out in this chapter. And to Jeremy Sumpter, just for being so damn sexy. And for giving us some ahem inspiration for the sex scenes.
Warning: This chapter contains nuts. If you are allergic, please back away slowly and proceed to the nearest exit.
And just to let everyone know, this masterpiece is being written by two people. Goober and Oober Goober. Don't be jealous, cause we're cool.
Chapter 2: Let's Get Cooking! (Aka: The finger quotes chapter.)
Harry and Ron's day started just as every other day at Hogwart's. They got dressed and went down to the Great Hall for breakfast. They sat down at their familiar Gryffindor table with all of their friends. As always, the table was accomadated with all of their favorite breakfast items. They tried to avert the concerned looks they were getting from their peers. They focused their blood-shot eyes upon the figure that had just entered the Hall.
"Uh-oh." Ron exclaimed as he saw Hermoine make a bee-line for the table. (Buzz!)
"We're in for it now." Harry whispered as she drew near. Hermoine took a seat across from the two boys. They looked down at their plates, trying to avoid eye contact with their best friend. They know she knows what they were up to last night. And she knows they know she knows. And they know this. There's a lot of knowing going on. They know Hermoine will tear them a new one if they spoke up, but they had to ask for the potions homework. After all, Hermoine was easier to handle than Snape.
"Um, Hermoine, you look smashing this morning." Ron complimented in an attempt to butter her up. Hermoine just glared back. After what seemed like an eternity of glaring, (while in actuality it was only about 10 seconds) her expression changed to a more friendly one. 'She's warming up,' he thought.
Harry took note of this subtle change and decided to take advantage of the situation. "So, did you do the potions homework last night?" He boldly ventured. Her expression immediately fell. She had hoped they were more responsible than this. She had never approved of their smoking marijuana, but as long as they kept up with their schoolwork, she kept her mouth shut. But she couldn't any longer.
"Yeah, I did it. Why? Were you guys too busy being stoned to worry about it?" She snapped. The two boys exchanged guilty looks and Hermoine let out a sigh of frustration.
"Hermoine, you know we wouldn't ask if it weren't a life or death situation!" Harry defended.
"No, I know you'd ask if your recreational druge usage just happened to monopolize all of your time!" She shook her head in dissappointment.
"Moine?" Ron asked gently.
"Hm?" She looked up from her plate to see Ron's face.
"We're really sorry. It'll never happen again, I swear." She studied his face and pondered his words. Both were etched with sincerity. But, she knew Ron could lie through his teeth better than anyone, so she looked at his eyes. She knew that his eyes would betray any lie he told. And when she did, she knew he was telling the truth. She pulled the homework out of her schoolbag, handed it to them, and returned to her breakfast. Ron smiled warmly at her. 'Damn him, why do I give in to him all the time?' Hermoine again looked up at Ron's smiling face and immediately melted. 'Oh yeah, that's why! He's sodding gorgeous.'
"Promise me that you'll try to cut back on that stupid stuff?" Hermoine prodded. Ron opened his mouth to speak but Harry cut him off.
"We can't do that. Besides, you wouldn't think it was so stupid if you loosened up and tried it." He replied indignantly.
Ron turned to him and said, "Speak for yourself, Harry." He then turned to Hermione, "If that's what it takes for you to not hate me, I'll do it. I mean, I'll try."
"I could never hate you." She whispered softly.
"What did you say?" Ron asked.
Hermoine felt herself turning a lovely shade of red. "Uhh... I said that I would never do drugs. Look, I've got to run. Just give it back before class, okay?" They nodded and she took off.
"She needs to unclench." Harry noted.
"Don't talk about her like that!" Ron demanded.
"Weasley, stop thinking with the wrong head." He saw Ron blush and chuckled.
"I'm not that obvious, am I?"
"Yeah, but when it comes to that kind of stuff, Mione's clueless, so I doubt she sees it."
"Oh, good."
"Look, you want to get together with her, right?" Ron nodded for Harry to continue. "Well, if she joined our little 'study session' tonight, you could make your move." Harry emphasized the words study session by making air quotes with his fingers, "If she goes for it, score one for you. If she doesn't, you could blame it on the drugs. Say you were too messed up to think straight."
"It could work," Ron mused, "But she would never do drugs, she said so herself." Harry looked defeated for a moment and then his face brightened.
"I've got it! She won't know she's taking anything. We could whip up some 'special brownies' for her as an apology for the homework thing. Girls love that suff." Again, with air quotes on the words 'special brownies'.
"You're brilliant, Harry! Okay, let's sneak into the kitchen after breakfast and we'll make them." Ron finished copying Hermoine's homework and waited for Harry to do the same.
CLANK! BANG! CRASH! KABOOM! RASBERRY!
"Ron, you dumbass! Be careful with that! Wait, did you just hear someone rasberry?"
Ron looks to the right, then to the left. "Um, no?" He then turns a lighter shade of his hair.
"Okay, then." Harry quickly changes the subject, "Let's get cooking!"
"Right then. Hand me those nuts." Ron instructs. Harry grabs at his crotch. "I meant the walnuts, you sodding vegetable!" Harry girns sheepishly.
"You know you want it, man!"
"I disagree!" Ron grabs the bowl of walnuts that Harry was holding in his hands and adds it to a mixing bowl.
"Would you young masters want anything else?" The two boys look down at the house elf bowing before them.
"Could we get some pumpkin pastries and chocolate frogs?" Ron inquires.
Harry looks at Ron in disbelief. "Do you ever stop, man? I swear you're preganant sometimes!" His eyes light up and a grin spreads across his face. He then drops to his knees and places his hands over Ron's abdomen. "Congratulations!" He says in a babyish voice. "Who's the lucky father? Oh, I think it kicked!" Ron swats Harry's hands away and pushes him to the floor.
"Sod off you pussy-licking, ass-kicking friend of mine!" Ron exclaims as he man-handles his friend into a noogie.
"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" Harry asked as he forced Ron off him.
"Yes, I do."
"Oh, okay. Just checking." Harry shrugged and went back to work.
"Alright, now we just have to add the 'special' ingredient." Again with the finger quotes.
20 minutes and 50 insults later Ron an the raven-haired boy have completed their baking endeavors.
"I think they came out rather well. Don't you Harry?" Ron questioned.
"Yeah, Hermione won't know what hit her." Harry then laughs evily.
"Come on, man. We don't want to hurt her. We just want to open her eyes to the experiences of the Ronmeister."
"That was the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Ron extends his middle finger towards Harry. "Save it for a lonely night, buddy."
"Okay, let's get going, or we'll be late for Potions." Harry nodded and they left the kitchen and the mess they made for the house elves to clean up. The boys grabbed the scrumptious chocolate treats (aka the "special" brownies) and their books and headed off to class. Their robes made a distinct swooshing noise as they scampered to Potions class.