Salinethesaltlakequeen - Thanks so much! All of my fic is on my website (listed in my profile)
Skywalker Apartment, Coruscant. 32 ABY
He had returned. Anticipation mingled with a slight anxiety as Mara felt her husband's presence approach. She would have gone to meet him at the spaceport, but Ben was sleeping soundly in his room and she didn't want to disturb him, or leave him unattended. And there was a part of her that wasn't quite sure how she would react to seeing Luke again, and was positive that whatever happened, she didn't want a hanger of people watching.
To an outside observer, she would seem the epitome of calm. Sitting quietly on the couch, one legs crossed over the other, her hands resting demurely in her lap. But underneath the surface, Mara's emotions were tumultuous, spinning out of control within her. Anxiety ate at her, her heart beginning to beat erratically as she heard him key in his access code. Finality bore down on her as the door slid open, and Luke stepped through.
Mara stole a few seconds to absorb the vision of him. He was still dressed in a flightsuit, appropriately wrinkled, blemished by a few patches of grime. His lightsaber swung from his waist as it always did, gleaming in contrast to the rest of his attire. His short hair was dishevelled and untidy, unable to be smoothed down by the running through of his fingers. And finally, his face, creased with an adorable Skywalker grin, hiding the tiredness of his visage, his eyes radiating with pleasure at the sight of her.
She crossed the five paces across the room before he could speak, and pressed her lips to his hungrily. Mara claimed him harshly, her arms tightly wound around his neck, pressing him closer to her. The kiss was primeval, perhaps, possessive, certainly, but Mara didn't really care. All she was concerned about was his lips on hers, eagerly returning her overtures, about his hands working their way around her hips and up across her back. It was a frenzied, zealous embrace, but immensely satisfying.
"Wow" Luke murmured as she pulled away smugly. "So you did miss me".
Mara smiled, and leaned in to kiss him again. It was soft this time, loving. "You could say that" she murmured back, basking in his presence as he reached out to her through their bond.
"Maybe I should go away more often, if that's the homecoming I receive" he countered playfully, gently tickling her sides.
Marta knew the comment was teasing, but something inexplicable twisted in her heart. Her sudden good mood vanished, leaving her feeling cold. She disentangled herself from his embrace, both physically, and through the Force.
"Mara?" he asked her, clearly confused at her reaction.
She clamped her mouth shut, and turned away from him, crossing her arms defensively.
"Mara, what's wrong?" he asked again, taking a step towards her.
"Nothing" she replied, a little too quickly. "Just…something happened while you were away, and I need to talk to you about it".
"Alright" he said uncertainly. "Just let me say hello to Ben".
"He's sleeping".
"I'll just check in on him" He moved towards Ben's room.
"No, Luke, I…" Mara began, but found her resolve falter and disappear. "Nothing" she said, falling into her previous position on the couch.
Maybe it was something in her tone, or perhaps it was a change in the Force, but Luke halted, turning back around to face her. "Mara?"
"Luke?" She knew that it would be easier just to tell him – but she couldn't. She couldn't physically form the words.
"What did you have to tell me?" Luke advanced on her, his voice firm.
"It can wait". She avoided his eyes.
"No, Mara". He moved to sit beside her, reaching for her hand. She allowed his fingers to wind between hers, but resisted his probe through the Force. "You attack me the moment I walk through the door, and now you're shutting me out. Please tell me what's wrong".
Mara squeezed his fingers slightly, in reassurance. "It's really not that important" she lied. "I told you that something happened while you were gone. The truth is…someone happened".
Luke furrowed his brow. "Surely Omas hasn't been that much of an issue while I've been away".
"No, it's not him" Mara shook her head. She closed her eyes and mentally prepared herself. "It's…Callista".
When she heard nothing but silence, Mara opened her eyes. Luke looked stunned. She could see him trying to speak and having little success. "I don't know why, Luke, but she's back on Coruscant" Mara explained. "And I don't think she really has any intention of leaving".
Luke blinked blankly at her, and he swallowed heavily. Suddenly, he dropped her hand and stood up, turning away from her. "Oh".
Shocked, Mara stared at her husband's back. She tried to reach out for him with the Force, but he felt…empty. Devoid. A sudden irritation filled her. She wasn't sure how she had expected him to react, but it certainly hadn't been like this. "That's all you've got to say?" She snapped.
She heard him sigh, saw his shoulders rise and fall deeply. "How would you like me to respond, Mara?" he asked coolly.
"I don't know" Mara rose to her feet. "Anger, irritation, curiosity…happiness? There's a whole spectrum of emotions to choose from, Luke".
He turned around to face her again, a concerned expression on his face. "You didn't hurt her, did you Mara?"
"You think that I would?" Mara asked, disbelieving.
"I know your relationship with her has always been…well, volatile" Luke admitted.
"But to actually cause her bodily harm?" Mara was indignant.
Luke sighed. "It was just a question, Mara".
"An unreasonable one!" Her voice raised several notches. She calmed herself and looked at him questioningly. "Is that what you think of me?"
"Come one, Mara. Don't tell me the thought didn't cross your mind" Luke persisted.
Mara faltered slightly. "That's not the point Luke. You're deflecting the issue".
"Which is?" Luke clasped his hands in front of him.
Mara threw him a venomous look. "The fact that you haven't given any indication of how you feel about Callista being back".
"Mara". Luke passed her and sank into an armchair. "I don't know what to feel. I never expected to see Callista again. I thought that in all likelihood, she was dead. I'm happy that she's not. I'm curious as to why she's returned. I'm conflicted because there are unresolved issues between us. I'm concerned that you are so upset by it". He glared at her defiantly. "Are those enough emotions for you?"
"You're still in love with her" Mara accused him.
"What?" Luke scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous"
"Why else would you react this way?"
"You're the one who is overreacting in this situation" he shot back.
"Overreacting to the fact that my husband's ex-lover has returned from the dead? Again?" She spat at him.
"Mara…"
"Or overreacting to the fact that he seems to feel that I should just accept it? " Mara's voice faltered. "Because I can't, Luke. I can't handle her being here, disrupting my life".
Luke stood and clenched his fists. "That's it, isn't it, Mara? It's your life, not mine, or ours". He shook his head, disbelievingly. "I thought we'd come further than that".
"I thought we had, too" She remarked spitefully. "But Callista shows up and we've reverted back twenty years. I'm cut off from you again, and all you can think about is her".
Luke gave her a long look. "I never picked up on this insecurity of yours, Mara"
"That doesn't surprise me. It's not like you're here long enough to notice".
"Is that what this is about?" Luke questioned her.
"No, Skywalker". She advanced slowly on him, her voice loud and harsh. "This about the fact that after ten years and all we've been through together I find out that you're still harbouring feelings for that…paramour".
"How can you believe that I don't love you?" he asked, his voice suddenly soft, tempered with a suppressed fury. "That I don't care for you more than anything, more than my own life?" His voice broke with emotion. "I know we haven't had that much time with each other, lately…but I didn't think things had changed this much". There was desperation in his tone, a melancholy that Mara chose to ignore.
"Well, they have" she retorted, turning briskly on her heel and enclosing herself in the bedroom. As the door whipped shut behind her, Mara leaned her head against the cool metal, wondering what in the Force's name had just happened.
With a heavy heart, Luke quietly made his way into his son's darkened room. He tried not to think about his argument with Mara. He didn't know what had caused her to react so violently, or him for that matter. They hadn't had an argument that bad since…well, Luke wasn't sure he couldn't remember.
A small glow of the night-light illuminated the bed, and Ben's still form. He appeared to be sleeping soundly, his small chest rising and falling rhythmically, his easy breaths the only sound in the room. Luke smiled, and turned back to the door. Ben, like his mother, tended to be a restless sleeper, and Luke preferred to let him get the rest.
Then, suddenly, Luke felt an almost imperceptible flicker in the Force. He turned back around, and honed in on the sensation. It heightened, revealing a slight panic originating from the child on the bed.
"Ben?" Luke asked softly. The flicker died down slightly, but Luke could feel the underlying effort behind the action. A slight sadness overcame him as Luke moved to sit on the unoccupied portion of the bed.
"Ben?" he asked again, placing his hand gently on Ben's forearm. By this time it was clear that the boy was awake, and had been trying to hide it. A pang of – something – struck Luke's heart. Why didn't his son want to see him? Ben had always been exuberant when Luke had returned from a trip offworld. What had changed?
Finally, Ben rolled over, his eyes fluttering open to reveal smoky grey depths. It was clear from the contrite look on his face that he was aware of being discovered. Luke almost moved his Force sense to envelop his son, but thought better of it. He didn't want to impose his presence if Ben was intent rejecting it.
Luke tried to make light of the situation, a false, easy smile forming on his face. "Not even a hello for me, Ben?" The tone was teasing, but Luke could not hide the distressed undertones.
Ben looked away, his eyes focussing on the opposite wall. "Hi, Dad" he said dully, without any feeling.
"What's wrong, Ben?" Luke's asked, concerned. The boy didn't answer, and continued to stare morosely at the wall.
Started to become worried, Luke reached out in the Force to his son, but was rebuffed by a solid wall. He reeled back, not daring to try and break through the firm barrier's his son had built around himself.
"Ben, please. Aren't you happy to see me?" It was an unfair question, but quite frankly, Luke was becoming quite scared by his son's behaviour. Mara hadn't said anything about it, but on the other hand, they hadn't really had a chance to say that many rational things to each other. But surely if Ben was acting so strangely, that would take precedent over the news of Callista. Wouldn't it?
Still staring at the wall, Ben sighed loudly. "You'll just go away again" he mumbled, and his shields slipped a little. Luke caught a glimpse of loneliness break through, and it made his heart ache. He reached out to draw Ben into an embrace, but the child escaped, leaping up until he was standing on the opposite side of the bed. "You always say you're going to be staying this time. But – but you always leave again". Frustration reeled off of him.
"Ben…" Luke ran a hand over his tired face. He was not in the best condition to be dealing with this. "Ben" he tried again. "I know you want me here, believe me, I want to be here too. But I have a responsibility to the Jedi – to the government". The words sounded trite even to his own ears. He could almost imagine what Mara would say. You have a responsibility to your son, first.
"And Ben…you know I'll always come back" he said as an effort at appeasement.
But the statement only made Ben's lower lip quibble. "But what if you don't?" he said softly, fearfully.
This time Luke didn't hesitate. He leapt over the bed and gathered Ben into his arms, holding him in a vice grip against his chest. "Nothing will ever, ever, keep me from you, Ben" he said firmly.
Ben sniffed quietly in his arms. "You promise?" he asked, his words partly muffed by Luke's tunic.
The words halted him for a second. There was no way he could actually promise him that. Anything could happen, with the Vong, with any new enemy of the government, of the Jedi. The galaxy may never be safe for them. It was dishonest, and unfair, to make such a vow to his already troubled son.
"I promise" he whispered assuredly, quashing the doubts in his mind and drawing his arms tighter around Ben.
They held each other for several minutes, and Luke was relieved to feel Ben opening his Force sense up to him slightly. The wall was still there, but it had become a little more transparent. Luke wondered whether he would ever be allowed to break through completely. He had succeeded with Mara in that respect. Although he couldn't help but think that Ben might turn out to be more stubborn that either of them. Luke wasn't sure whether to be comforted by that fact, or concerned.
"I'm sorry, Dad" Ben finally spoke up, as he disentangled himself from Luke's embrace. Luke furrowed his brow, and was tempted not to let Ben pull away, but worked against the impulse. He couldn't coddle him.
"What are you sorry for, Ben?" Luke asked gently, sitting down on the bed again.
"Bein' so sad" Ben said simply, crawling up the spread to sit beside his father.
Luke looked into the angelic, wide eyes of his son, noticing that they had cleared somewhat. "You shouldn't ever be sorry about how you feel" Luke told him firmly. "About who you are".
"I was okay, but…" Ben's voice halted hesitantly, and he looked down at his hands, clasped securely in his lap.
"But what?" Luke prompted. It would do him no good to keep his feelings inside, unspoken. Luke knew how difficult that was to keep up.
Shifting awkwardly in his position, Ben twisted his fingers around themselves. "I heard you fighting with Mama" he said uncertainly.
A twinge of regret worked its way into Luke's already troubled mind. His conversation with Mara was the last thing Luke had wanted his son to hear. Their angry words to one another must have pained him greatly. "Your mother and I fight all of the time" Luke tried to reassure him. "You don't have to worry about that".
"But that's different" Ben tried to explain. "That feels kind of…tingly.
Almost nice. But it hurts, now".
Luke's gut twisted at the words. He recalled the damning anger that must have been radiating both of them, that must have bled into Ben's Force awareness. Silently, he berated himself for not shielding the emotions properly. There was a time where it would have been second nature to him, to guard his defences like that. But in his years with Mara, and now with Ben, he had slackened in that regard. Had learnt to open himself up, to allow himself to flow into them. Now, that freedom had hurt the one thing he cared about the most.
"I'm sorry, Ben" he said finally. "Your mother and I…we, well…" He sighed heavily. How could he possibly explain to him why Mara had been so angry, make Ben understand what kind of trouble Callista had caused between them? "When two people don't agree on something, they have to talk about it" he began. "They have to reach a common ground, they have to understand what the other person it feeling. You mother and I didn't mean to be angry with each other, but sometimes that's they easiest way to come to an agreement. Do you understand?"
Ben nodded, but it was tentative, and uncertain.
"It doesn't mean that we love each other any less" Luke finished, hoping that the explanation was sufficient. But Ben looked more troubled that ever, and refused to look up at him. Luke placed a hand on his small shoulder, and Ben mumbled something he couldn't quite hear.
"What, Ben?" he asked, gently.
The boy hung his head even lower, in – shame? "Was my fault" he muttered again.
"The fight?" Luke was surprised. That was the last thing he'd expected to hear. "No, Ben, no - "
"It was!" Ben shouted, turning a tear-filled gaze upwards. "It was about 'Lista…I heard!". A few, salty tears began to run down his cheeks as he sang out the pain within him. "Because ran away and met her…I thought she was nice, but…" his lip quivered. "It just made Mama sad. Because of me"
"No, Ben" Luke said resolutely, pulling Ben back into his lap. "No, it's not your fault, don't ever think that". He stroked the soft strawberry-blond hair and flew out in every direction, holding Ben closely to him. The tears began to seep into his tunic, but Luke only held him tighter. "There are things that happened in the past…that I can't tell you about". That really, Luke admitted, he didn't even want to think about. "But none of it has to do with you, or is because of you". Luke closed his eyes, willing back his own tears. "The only one whose made your mother sad is me" he said softly.
Luke held his son, enveloping him with his arms, and more importantly, with a comforting blanket of the Force. He allowed Ben to register his words, and calm himself down. Relief overwhelmed Luke when he felt a sense of understanding flicker inside of Ben. "I love you" he murmured softly into his hair, gently fortifying Ben's Force sense.
He felt, rather than heard, a hushed "Love you too" from his son, and felt a sense of equanimity return. He continued to hold Ben, gently rocking him in his arms, perhaps a little concerned about his sensitivity. It wasn't the first time he had erupted into tears like that, but it had certainly been the worst. Briefly, Luke wondered whether it was usual for a child his age, or whether Ben's extreme sensitivity to the Force made him more impressionable, more susceptible to distress.
"Did lots of bad things happen when I was little, Dad?" Ben's more composed, but still shaky voice refocussed Luke's attention. A part of him wanted to remind Ben flippantly that he was still little, but the memories assaulted him. Luke thought of Anakin, of his life cut so short when Ben was still so young. About the billions of people who died, who were enslaved or tortured. About the lives and planets lost. "Yes, Ben" he admitted. "A lot of bad things happened".
"I feel the bad things, sometimes, Dad" Ben's face contorted, almost as if he was in pain. "It feels all prickly, and it makes my head hurt". He brought his small hands up to cover his ears. "It's so loud, Dad." One more tear slipped down Ben's cheek and he hiccuped. "It hurts" he wailed again.
Luke felt his heart break as he tightened his hold. "I know it hurts, Ben". He whispered softly, knowing from experience that his words would bring no comfort. "I know".