Chapter 3: The Plan
Disclaimer: All of this is the catalogue of true events that occurred between Jennifer Lopez and Lord Voldemort, so of course, I don't own any of it. I don't own the Go Fug Yourself blog either, but it's hilarious!
A/N: Thanks pour les reviews:
StrawberryBonBon – thanks for saying I have talent! You are steeped!
Slytherinbookworm – I SHALL continue. If you continue reviewing
Sugarbabe – I feel like I'm copying you by writing back to you like you do in your fics, but HONESTLY I used to do this all the time when I wrote fanfictions. But ehh… deleted them all cause I didn't like any of them. Anyways: Voldemort cares too much about his reputation to release an album! But he does try to get back at J.Lo another way … I've never heard Jennifer Garner sing, but I think that's better than actually singing even though you're awful (coughJ.Locough). Voldieshort's is probably is much better singer. I bet if J.Gar (lol) had Voldemort's support she would've been as successful or more than Lopez!
Rapidfire – what does J.Lo have to do with J.Gar? Two words: BEN AFFLECK!
P.S. I don't think there's been any swearing yet, but just so you know, there IS some here.
Three knocks on the door and it swung open. There, on the threshold, stood a gargantuan sized head in the doorway. His head was so enormous that the space between the door frame could barely fit it. Snape had to step back a couple times to be able to see the whole thing, but he still could fit the chin in his line of vision.
"Good morning," said Snape swiftly. "May I come in?"
"Sure – who are you?" said the man.
"I arranged an appointment with Jennifer Garner," said Snape coldly.
"Oh!" He stepped back from his door and tried very hard to hold his head straight so it wouldn't wobble off. "I'm Ben," he grinned.
Snape nodded curtly.
Ben lead him up a few staircases, down some hallways, through a couple bedrooms, in a few doors, and up another staircase. In the last room they reached, Jennifer Garner sat in a leather armchair holding a baby. Snape was momentarily pleased to see that the baby did not inherit "Ben"'s atrocious head. Snape turned and glared Ben out of the room.
"I got your letter," said Jennifer Garner. "You want to talk about Lopez?"
"Indeed," said Snape. "I understand that she has been in contact with you."
"Uh …" said Jennifer Garner nervously.
Snape stared at her icily. "Jennifer Lopez has been trying to contrive an arrangement with you concerning Ben Affleck?"
"Yes," said Jennifer Garner finally. "She keeps writing me to try and make me let her have Ben back, but I won't let her! Oh yeah – she pretends to be all over him and happy with the Roman Emporor dude. But I know she really wants him. I won't let her have him! I've saved all the letters, to use them against her one day. But only when the time is right."
"I believe now is the time to deploy those letters," said Snape immediately.
"What do you mean? I should sell them to the tabloids? Do you work for People magazine?" she added eagerly.
"No," said Snape. "The man I work for wishes to have Jennifer Lopez – ah – 'swim with the fishes.' We need you to persuade Jennifer Lopez into meeting us."
"But I can't persuade her to do anything!" said Jennifer Garner. "It's not like we're friends. She just threatens to come after me if I don't hand Ben over."
"That is why the only way to attract Jennifer Lopez isto tell her you are handing him over," said Snape.
"What!" shrieked Jennifer Garner. "No way! He's mine!"
Snape went on, "I've been instructed to arrange a swap."
"I'm never handing Ben over," said Jennifer Garner fiercely.
"I'm not asking you too. Just be quiet and listen. Jennifer Lopez, I am informed, is too powerful to simply take by a small force, and especially when she is ready for it. If we manage to persuade her to come a certain location under the pretence that she can recapture Ben, then we can initiate the rest of our plan to have her disposed of."
Jennifer Garner's face went through phases of gleeand then toconfusion. "But why are you doing this? Who wants this done?"
"That is not part of your job in our plan," said Snape shortly.
"But Ben won't be hurt?" said Jennifer Garner carefully.
"Never," Snape replied.
"I'll do it."
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Slime dripped from the ceiling into a puddle on the cave's floor. The dripping sound echoed eerily throughout the cavern. The effect enhanced by the shadowy dappling of firelight against the walls. Voldemort grew angrier by every drip. He did not enjoy being kept waiting.
Finally a big man with matted hair and yellowed nails lurched into the stone chamber.
"Sorry, my Lord," said Fenrir Greyback.
"You received my messenger," said Voldemort coldly and to the point.
"Messenger …" said Fenrir flatly, and then shrugged.
Voldemort blazed and smouldered. He would have preferred that this could have been done more eloquently, but ever since he had taken it in him mind to get rid of Jennifer Lopez he couldn't rest until she was finished. He wanted this done quickly.
"The message was that you will take everyone and anyone that lives in these caverns – werewolves – to a cabin located inBeardsley forest. Where you will wait. Outside. Many people will be coming into that cabin, including myself and Severus Snape, and a muggle woman. When I tell you, and only when I do, you and your people may rip her open." Voldemort's voice was pulsating with contempt.
"Right, my Lord," said Fenrir, looking a little abashed at Voldemort's tone.
"Do you swear to not attack anyone until I command you?"
"As long as we can eventually attack someone," chuckled Fenrir.
"YOU DO NOT TELL THE DARK LORD WHAT TO DO!"
Voldemort wouldn't stand for people telling him what to do! People were supposed to submit! Jennifer Lopez was the only one to try to control! His servants would NOT start takingher place!
Fenrir looked terrified and hurriedly backed away from Voldemort. In doing so he slipped on some slime and slid spectacularly onto his back.
"Do we have an understanding?" came Voldemort's high and cold voice as he towered above Fenrir. He didn't wait for answer, wanting to have dramatic effect, and disapparated on the spot.
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Jennifer Lopez stood in front of her diamond encrusted mirror in her black laceybra and some pink sweat pants. She massaged her perfectly flat, hard, abs while muttering to herself.
"Yeah, you're much better than dumb Jennifer Garner's fat-ass! Look at these washboard babies. Mmmm… yeah you guys are so sweet. Marc Antony just loves you doesn't he? Yeah. That's right. You tell her! I'd like to see what Ben Affleck thinks of her flabby jiggly pregnant ass! How could he prefer her beer gut over you toned and beautiful abs? Everyone should just shut up about her so-called"fruitful" womb. Bitch. I hope he's having fun with her stretch marks! Ha!"
"Honey?" said Marc Antony's voice at the door. "I just got a letter for you. Can I come in?"
"Alright," Jennifer Lopez put on a sexy, seductive, breathy voice.
Marc opened the door and handed her the letter.
"It's probably a thank you for having such killer abs," giggled Jennifer Lopez.
"Of course it is, baby!" said Marc gleefully.
Jennifer ripped it open and shook the slip of paper inside it into her hand. Her eyes fell on the signature at the bottom. It was from Jennifer Garner
Lopez,
After a lot of consideration and talking it over with my SUPER SEXY, GORGEOUS, AWESOME HUSBAND THAT I'VE HAD A BABY WITH we've decided it's time for a change. A.k.a. you can have him bitch!
I don't really care about Ben anymore. I've got my baby. Who the hell cares about a husband anymore? God, I'm soooooo happy. I don't even need a husband! (Yeah, that's right, I don't need a husband to be my crutch. HINT HINT.)
Soto get rid of him nice and clean, I'll hand him over to you. No tricks. Nothing. You can straight up have him! Come to the cabin in Beardsley forest. That's in England. There's only one cabin there so it shouldn't be hard to find for even you, skank. I'm not even going to be there so you don't have to worry about anything happening to your precious little ass.
Just remember: come alone or not at all.
Hugs, kisses, and much love,
THE SUPER AWESOME NEW MOTHER JENNIFER GARNER
"Oh my God! Marc! It's finally happened," said Jennifer Lopez while hyperventilating out of excitement.
Marc took the leader and read it speedily. He gasped. "Jen, I can't believe it! We can finally get him!"
He slung his arm around her shoulder and they turned to a life-size birdcage hanging from a hook in their bedroom. Ben's water dish was still there from when he had last escaped.
"He won't get away so easily this time!" barked Jennifer Lopez.
Marc Antony laughed along with her, but then he turned to look at her seriously. "But it might be a trap. It's always a possibility. I can't possibly let you go alone. I'm coming with you."
"I can handle whatever happens," scoffed Jennifer Lopez, patting her abs. "And If you say another word with the root word possible, you won't get to see my abs for a week."
"No," said Marc firmly. "Jennifer Garner could have anything planned."
Jennifer Lopez sighed. "I guess so. That fat bitch always has something up her sleeve."
Turning again,the coupletookin the cage greedily and laughed maniacally. Destiny was knocking on their door.
Please review and I'll put up the next chapter as soon as I can! Will Jennifer and Marc Antony recapture Ben? Or will Fenrir and the werewolves get in there way? Will Voldemort ever be free of J.Lo? Tune in next time …