Author: Qaddafi the Ripper
Summary: Harry Potter / Artemis Fowl crossover. While on summer vacation in Ireland, Draco Malfoy runs into a rouge B'wa Kell goblin. Soon he's neck deep in fairy and Muggle affairs.
Caveman Disclaimer: Me not Rowling. Me not Colfer. You no sue. Artemis vampire-smile.
Chapter Two: Rock, Meet Hard Place
Draco held his wand, trying not to shake so hard that his aim was worse than Lockhart's, but not with resounding success. That creature, which he swore looked like a house elf though an unusually well-dressed one, wanted to oblivate him. He realized, in the calmer, more rational part of his mind, that something was very strange here, but most of him was too busy wondering how he could defend himself.
"You said you were a wizard," the boy stated. Draco turned so he could see the boy past the large man in between them. The not-house elf and the man were both obviously dangerous. The not-house elf for the unknown danger she represented, and because she carried herself with a sort of casual confidence that only experienced people had. The man was even worse; Draco thought he might be about a thousand times stronger than both Crabbe and Goyle combined. Worst of all, since there were two of them, Draco could only, at best, take one down with a spell. Which would leave him open to an attack from the other.
As he continued to look at the third person confronting him, he thought perhaps the boy might be the most dangerous of all. He looked terribly calm, even though he didn't seem to have any way to defend himself. And his eyes were those of one who doesn't need weapons to be powerful. Draco shuddered; he'd only seen one person who had a look like that, and that was the Dark Lord himself.
"I am a wizard," he agreed, not lowering his wand. "And I'm an important one too. My father is influential in the Ministry."
"I've heard of human wizards," the not-house elf offered reluctantly. "There's quite a lot of them, according to Foaly. They hide from other humans and have their own separate culture and government. This kid must be one of them."
Draco drew himself up, gaining some courage (better to call it arrogance) from her dismissive tone. "You shouldn't take me lightly, whoever you are. Or you'll be sorry."
The not-house elf sighed. "We don't have time to deal with this now. Can you take him back to your place for now, Artemis? And take his wand, to be safe. Mulch and I will finish cleaning up around here."
The boy nodded. "That would be fine, Holly. Come, Butler. You carry our guest."
And Draco found himself hanging over the giant man's --Butler, as he'd been identified-- shoulder before he could even think to cast a spell. The boy, Artemis, followed, while the not-house elf, Holly, stayed behind with another figure Draco couldn't make out from upside down.
They reached one of those large Muggle contraption that Draco didn't know the name of. He was dropped unceremoniously in the back, while Butler and Artemis sat up front. Draco, furious at this treatment, reached for his wand, only to discover it was missing. He patted his clothes down frantically, searching, barely noticing that the carriage had begun to move.
Just when he was beginning to worry that he'd lost his wand, a cool voice asked, "Looking for this?" Draco looked up and saw the Muggle boy turned around to look at him, Draco's wand dangling from his pale fingers.
Draco scowled thunderously. "Give that back," he demanded. Just who did these people think they were, anyway?
"That isn't very polite. You could at least introduce yourself first." The boy paused but Draco remained stubbornly silent. "Very well, I will go first. I am Artemis Fowl the Second, and this," he indicated the large man at the wheel, "is my bodyguard, Butler."
Reluctantly, Draco reciprocated. "I'm Draco Malfoy. And if you weren't an ignorant Muggle, that would mean something to you and you'd let me go."
Artemis raised an eyebrow calmly. Draco decided he should be a bit more polite. After all, he had no way to defend himself, and there was something, he couldn't put his finger on what precisely, disturbing about Artemis. "Muggle," Artemis murmured. "You said once before. What does it mean?"
Answering him would cost him nothing. "It means people without magic. Non-wizards," he explained.
"I see. And, among wizards, you are someone very important?"
"Yes. The Minister of Magic is always asking my father for advice. The Malfoys are one of the richest and oldest families in Britain."
Artemis turned to his companion. "Did you hear that, Butler? There's a Minister of Magic."
"Fascinating," the large man replied blandly.
Artemis turned back to Draco. "Why was the son of such an important magical family wandering around alone in an area that is, to the best of my admittedly incomplete knowledge, without magic?"
Draco knew that he had been right to think Artemis was dangerous. He knew, or guessed, too much too easily. He wondered briefly if all Muggles were like this, or if Artemis was an exception. No, he thought, they couldn't all be like this, or Muggles would have discovered wizards a long time ago. "My family is on vacation in the area," he finally answered. "I thought I'd see the local town by myself. I've never been in an all-Muggle town before." Artemis looked satisfied with his answers for the moment, so Draco decided to ask a question of his own.
"What were you doing there, and who was that hous-- er, other person?"
"That 'other person' was Holly, an elf. She used to be a member of the Lower Elements Police, but resigned because her superior office was an idiot." The way that Artemis said idiot made it clear he shared Holly's assessment of this superior officer. "She is now a private detective. She heard about a group of goblins, all renegades from the B'wa Kell tribe, had escaped in this area. She asked Butler and I to help her round them up."
Lower Elements Police meant nothing to Draco, nor did B'wa Kell, but he didn't want to ask for fear of looking stupid. He never liked looking dumb in front of other people, and he especially didn't want that in front of Muggles. He looked at Artemis and wondered if the other boy could guess he that he didn't know.
"So if you're a wizard, I take it you can do magic?" Artemis asked casually.
"Naturally. If you give me my wand back, I'd be happy to demonstrate." Draco held his hand out hopefully.
Artemis twirled it between his fingers. "Nice try," he replied dryly. "A few descriptions will do."
Draco sighed. "I didn't really think that would work. Some spells that I can do, hmmm..." he considered for a moment, wondering what he should admit to and what he shouldn't admit to.
"Well, one of the favorites around school is Alohomora. It can open locked doors. Another is Expelliarmus, which is used to disarm a person." He glanced at Butler. "Disarm a person of their wand, at least," he clarified.
As he paused to think of another spell to share, Artemis said, "You mentioned a school. It is some school at which you learn magic?"
"Yes, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I've just finished my fourth year there. It's the most prestigious magic school in Europe, even though the Headmaster's an idiot."
"Oh?"
"Dumbledore is an insane old coot, and a Muggle-lover, and..." Draco trailed off when he remembered that he was talking to a Muggle. After a few moments, he noticed that the car had stopped. He looked out the window.
"Welcome to Fowl Manor, Draco Malfoy," Artemis said, every inch the gracious host. Draco followed him out of the car and up to the door. Butler trailed behind, his eyes missing nothing. Fowl Manor was, as far as Draco could tell, every bit as large as the Malfoy estate. As he'd expected, these were powerful Muggles he'd fallen in with.
The inside of the manor was distinctly odd to Draco's eyes. None of the pictures moved, and the suit of armor stood still as if it never moved. How boring it must be to be a Muggle! Artemis led him into a sitting room, Butler following close on Draco's heels. "Holly and Mulch should be here shortly," Artemis observed. "In the meantime, would you like some tea?"
Draco frowned. "Yes," he replied shortly. Accepting hospitality from a Muggle; he'd better make sure his father never heard of this. Artemis poured two cups; Butler, leaning against the doorframe with his gun (though Draco didn't know what it was, he guessed it was a weapon) in hand, didn't join them. Draco waited until Artemis took a sip before he drank. He wouldn't put it past Muggles to try and poison him somehow. And anyway, how exactly did they plan to do this "mind wipe" that they'd been talking about? He needed to be on his guard if he wanted to get out of this place in one piece.
After some time, he reached out for the plate and picked up a biscuit to nibble on, since Artemis had taken one also. He wrinkled his nose at the taste; Muggle food should not be so good. Before he could finish, the door opened and two people walked in. The first was Holly, who was looking satisfied at a job well done. Behind her was someone very different indeed.
The very short man walked right up and started cramming biscuits into his mouth almost faster than he could chew them. Draco pulled as far away from him as far as his chair allowed. The little man turned and gave him a grin that didn't comfort Draco at all. "You get fed before we wipe your mind," he said. "Lucky you."
This must be the Mulch fellow that had been mentioned earlier, Draco reasoned. Was he another elf, or something else entirely? Mulch belched softly (by his terms, at least), and Draco decided he didn't care what kind of creature Mulch was. Whatever he was, he was revolting and clearly uncivilized!
Holly sat down on the remaining chair. She looked directly at Draco. "This is the first time I've ever met a human wizard," she admitted frankly. "I heard about them a few times before, but I'd never really paid it much attention. Fortunately, Foaly is curious about everything and was willing to give me some information. These human wizards, as they call themselves, have been around for some time, according to Foaly," she continued to Artemis. "We escaped humans by going under ground a long time ago. Humans never really got along with us. We thought to invite human wizards to join us, but it was decided they would only be trouble. So they stayed up here, but it wasn't long before the other Mud Men, who couldn't use magic, started using and abusing the wizards. So they eventually went into hiding too, which is where they are to this day.
"There were a few creatures with magic who also didn't leave with us. They stayed here and, I guess, eventually went into hiding with the Mud Men wizards. One of the variety of elves stayed too, and that's probably where the 'house elves' the kid," she nodded briefly in Draco's direction, "mentioned earlier came from. There were a number of other creatures too, some of which also called themselves goblins." Holly shrugged. "That's all I got from Foaly. I could ask more, but since I think it's safe to just mind wipe the kid, it hardly matters."
"What?" Draco protested loudly. "You can't just erase my memories! My father is an important man! You'll never get away with it!"
"With your mid wiped, you won't know to accuse us of anything," Mulch chuckled. The tray of biscuits was empty, so he wandered off to the kitchen to find more food.
"I wasn't finished yet," Holly told Draco crossly. "I don't really care about your wizard society or your memories. But I do need to take care of these goblins, and quickly. It's only a matter of time before they cause some real trouble. Furthermore, we're a little short-handed here, and the goblins are spread all across Ireland. So, as I was going to say, I might be willing to forego the mind wipe if you use your magic to help us out a bit."
Draco scowled. "That's blackmail," he accused.
Holly shrugged. "That's the way things are. Either help out, or suffer the consequences."
"I haven't done anything wrong, and you're treating me like some kind of criminal!" Draco hollered, livid with rage.
"You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Deal with it."
"Forget it," Draco spat. "There's no way I'm helping you. I want nothing to do with you people."
Holly threw up her hands in exasperation and marched out of the room, muttering a few creative swears in gnomish under her breath. The room seemed unnaturally quiet after her departure. "Why don't you want to help?" Artemis asked, curious.
"I will not be manipulated," Draco snarled at him. "Anyway, none of this has anything to do with me. These goblins are no threat to wizards."
"You didn't fare very well earlier," Artemis noted coolly.
Draco whirled on him, his temper rising further. "I was taken by surprise!" he yelled. "If I'd known what was coming, I could have defended myself just fine!"
"Losers always have some excuse," Artemis countered.
"Shut up! What do you know anyway? You're just a filthy Muggle!" In his anger and pride, Draco didn't think to watch his words, or remember that he, and his memories, were in these people's power.
Artemis scowled. "Perhaps I am merely a 'filthy Muggle,' but you are a wizard without his wand." He held up Draco's wand to underscore his point. "Promise to help, and I'll give it back. If you do actually help, I'll make sure Holly does not mind wipe you. Otherwise..." he trailed off, not needing to finish the threat.
Draco fumed, but realized he was defeated. "Oh, very well," he grumbled, a sore loser. "I promise to help. Now give me my wand back." Artemis held it out and Draco snatched it up, finally beginning to feel comfortable when it was back with him. "You," he sneered at Artemis, "are a manipulative, annoying little brat."
"And you," Artemis retorted coldly, with equal stubbornness, "are a prejudiced, stuck-up coward. So I suppose that makes us even."
The author is still searching for a beta reader, preferably one familliar with both canons, but at least with Artemis Fowl (since the author feels more comfortable writing Harry Potter than Artemis Fowl).
Thanks to Redbowties, Nota Lone (even though you don't like slash), loonygrl90, and GredandForgeWeasley (love the name; this chapter should answer most of your questions) for reviewing chapter one.