For Want of Magic
Author: Qaddafi the Ripper
Summary: Harry Potter / Artemis Fowl crossover. While on summer vacation in Ireland, Draco Malfoy runs into a rouge B'wa Kell goblin. Soon he's neck deep in fairy and Muggle affairs.
Caveman Disclaimer: Me not Rowling. Me not Colfer. You no sue. Holly short (puns good).
Chapter 3: Heroic Muggle Rescue
Butler leaned back in his chair, absently polishing his gun. It was something to do with his hands while he thought. He wondered vaguely if it was becoming a bad habit. Things had started off so simply, but had somehow become far more complicated -- as things had a tendency to do around Artemis. Rounding up a few stray goblins, that wouldn't be a problem. And he enjoyed Holly's company, as well as, admittedly to a lesser extent, Mulch's.
The problem was that boy they'd inadvertently picked up along the way. Butler wasn't sure what he thought of humans who could use magic, but he supposed if Holly and Foaly both said it was true, then he believed it. The boy certainly believed it, and Butler thought he might want to see a demonstration of this magic (purely so that he knew how it could best be used in battle, of course).
A shame the boy wasn't more cooperative. A little extra magic wouldn't hurt, and Butler could admit to himself that he was curious what human magic could do. He already knew all about fairy magic, and how to combat it. The soldier inside of him wanted to know how to beat this new magic, even if he knew Artemis wouldn't knowingly let him near a fire-fight.
What was perhaps the most fascinating was the way Artemis had reacted to the other boy's attitude. The kid was a stuck-up snot, but Butler couldn't remember ever meeting someone else who could get under Artemis's skin so easily. For Artemis to react to anyone with such obvious annoyance, almost anger really, was nothing short of amazing.
He guessed it was the contempt. It was something Artemis had never had directed at him, much less by someone his own age. Besides that, thinking less of someone because they couldn't do magic was basically racism, or something very similar to it. Artemis, like himself, had never been subject to racist comments before, so it came as a shock.
Perhaps he should be glad Artemis got mad. Surely losing his temper was proof of Artemis's continued emotional maturation. Everyone else lost their temper at some point, and by losing it learned how to deal with it. Artemis, who had never blown up at anyone before, didn't quite know how to deal with the emotion.
Ever since they'd first run into the fairies, Artemis had slowly begun to learn emotion, and compassion. If he kept learning new emotions at this rate, Artemis might be acting buddy-buddy with classmates by the time he was twenty.
For now though, he thought he'd just lean back and watch Mulch torment the self-proclaimed wizard. Things were working out to be very interesting, and he just hoped they wouldn't try to keep him out of the action.
Draco had never met a dwarf. Now, having met one, he sincerely wished he never had. This... Mulch character was the most barbaric creature he'd ever come across, and that included those hideous beasts he'd had to put up with in Care of Magical Creatures, even the Blast-Ended Skrewts.
Mulch laid a map across the table. It consisted of Ireland, with little red X's marked across it. Draco glared at it, determinedly keeping his face devoid of any sign of interest. The dwarf was waiting for him to ask what it meant so the disgusting little thing could act superior to him. Well, that wasn't going to be happening anytime soon!
The elf, Holly, finally came back from what Draco considered her temper-tantrum, joining Draco, Mulch, Butler, and Artemis at the table. Draco thought it was awfully childish of her to walk out on him like that, just because he didn't care enough to help her. "I hear you've finally decided to be reasonable," she said to him in an acidic tone.
Draco turned so he could only see her out of the corner of his eye, and lifted his head. "I realized that you wouldn't be able to do anything without my help," he told her arrogantly. "I decided to help you out."
Mulch snickered, pausing from his meal of chips. "More like you couldn't do anything without us." Draco turned and gave him a filthy look.
Holly sighed. "Whatever. Let's get down to business." She pointed at the map on the table. "Are these all of them, Mulch?" she asked in a business-like tone.
"Yep," Mulch agreed, then paused to burp softly. The table beside him was littered with food and left-over wrappers from food he'd already demolished. "There's seven more goblins total, and I've tracked down all of them." That must be what the X's on the map are for, Draco guessed.
"Right. Since we want to get this over with as soon as possible, let's split up." Holly surveyed their little group carefully, deliberating for some time. "Artemis, do you think you can keep our new friend out of trouble?"
Draco scowled at the way she'd said friend. Annoying creature, she actually thought she was better than him. He caught Artemis giving him an appraising look. "I think so," he offered calmly. He'd managed to restore his previous calm shortly after Draco had insulted him. It was a bit disappointing; after dealing with Weasley and Potter at school, Draco was used to people getting furious, and staying that way, after he insulted him. He would obviously have to try harder if he wanted to get under Artemis's skin. Only, did he really want to do that? It might be nice to be thought highly of by someone dangerous like Artemis. Merlin knew no dangerous people thought anything at all of him currently.
"Good. Then we'll split up into two groups: myself and Butler, and Mulch, Artemis, and the brat."
Butler frowned at the way they were splitting up. "There should be at least one fairy in each group," Artemis pointed out kindly. "Don't worry, Butler. I'll be fine with Mulch."
After giving the dwarf a long, appraising look, Butler muttered, "Very well." He slouched slightly against the door frame, wishing there was a better way to split up. Even better would be if they didn't have to split up at all.
Seeing no further objections to how they'd arrange their meager forces, Holly continued, "Keep in contact and try not to get hurt." Holly was all very military about the whole thing. Clearly going private hadn't changed her outlook on things. She pointed to three of the X's that were north of the Manor. "We'll take these three and you can have the other four. Mulch, try to drive safely for once," she added in exasperation.
And that, apparently, was all that needed to be said in order to get things moving. Despite himself, Draco was a little impressed. Having spent a good amount of time around the Ministry with his father, he gathered that even Aurors took a good bit of time organizing themselves for a mission.
Then he remembered that he'd been teamed with that smelly, ugly dwarf and Artemis, around whom he probably couldn't get away with even thinking about causing trouble. His mood plummeted. He barely noticed the trek down to the garage, or Butler handing a set of keys to Mulch with a very firm "be careful."
The car was, naturally, very expensive and comfortable, neither of which Draco noticed, or would have acknowledged even if he had. He did notice, however, that Mulch at the wheel looked positively gleeful. His stomach began to quiver in anticipated horror. This was going to be bad.
"Holly said you should drive safely for once," Artemis commented calmly. Draco felt a fleeting sense of jealousy, as he didn't think he could have spoken so calmly. "Should I be worried?"
"Don't worry," Mulch replied cavalierly. "I'll take care with you." But his smile was still far too broad for comfort.
As the car roared down the driveway and out into the street, Draco decided he should have taken Divination for an elective. He'd been right in thinking the ride would be horrifying. Mulch went far faster than a broomstick, or even the carts at Gringotts. And Draco had no confidence in the safety of this metal Muggle contraption. He lay miserably in the back seat, eyes firmly shut, and holding onto the upholstery for dear life.
Had he had the presence of mind to open his eyes, he would have noticed that Artemis had turned rather green too. Mulch merely zipped around another turn at speeds far exceeding the posted limit, having far too much fun.
It was close to an hour later when the car screeched to an abrupt halt. Draco groaned and sagged down, loosening his grip on the back seat. "I am never getting in one of these ever again," he declared firmly.
Artemis climbed out of the car, just a tad shakily. "You'll have to," he told Draco, sympathetic from shared misery, though Draco couldn't tell from his tone of voice. "Next time, Mulch, I don't think we're in quite that much of a hurry."
Mulch pouted, not an expression a dwarf face was meant to wear. "You're ruining all my fun, Artemis." He pulled out a piece of equipment Draco couldn't identify in a million years. "The goblin's not far from here. Come on."
Draco opened his eyes and saw the other two were entirely willing to leave him behind. He scowled and rapidly debated with himself. On the one hand, he had no interest in dealing with any goblins. Mulch and Artemis didn't look like they'd need his help anyway. He could easily remain in this abominable contraption and suffer nobly through the whole affair. On the other hand, he didn't want to spend any more time than necessary in this car. Also, if he did help out (just a little bit, of course), then maybe Artemis could convince Holly not to obliviate (or whatever term they used for it) him. He thought Artemis could be trusted to hold up his end of the bargain.
Reluctantly, he pulled himself up, crawled out of the car, and stumbled after the other two. Artemis glanced back and gave a rather fanged smiled. The expression clearly said "I knew you'd come with." Draco glowered furiously, but didn't turn back around. He'd show that Muggle and defeat the stupid goblin with one spell!
They were in a campground, and fortunately this part of it was deserted today. Mulch held a fairy gun (a Neutrino 2000, to be precise) in his hand as he stalked calmly forward. Draco came next, his wand out and ready. Artemis took the rear, a smaller gun in his hand, though he had no intention of using it unless things really got crazy.
The goblin was in a clearing, staring down at its reflection. It cocked its head to the side and smoothed its outfit, posing. It's preening, Draco realized in shock. Not that any amount of grooming could ever make a goblin look good, but then beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It was completely oblivious to their approach.
Draco stepped forward with a smirk, wand raised. Mulch looked at him doubtfully but didn't try to stop him. With a casual twist of his wrist, Draco called out, "Petrificus totalus!" The spell should have caused the goblin to stiffen and topple over where it stood. That was not, however, what actually happened.
Goblins are nature's little practical joke. They have so many natural advantages that only their incredible idiocy can balance them out. Besides being able to generate fire, they are impervious to most types of magic. They are especially strong against the hypnotic mesmer, although it has been argued that this is simply because they're so stupid.
Petrificus totalus is a spell that effects the body of the one its cast on. Due to their tough, leathery hide, goblins are naturally immune to the spell. Unfortunately, Draco didn't know this and Mulch hadn't thought (or chose not) to give him any specifics on how magic effects goblins.
After the failed attack, the goblin stood, turned around, and glared at its attacker. Draco gaped in horror. His spell had no effect on the creature at all! How was that possible? In his shock, he didn't notice that the goblin was throwing a fireball at him in retaliation.
He felt himself jerked back and something very hot went past his face, searing him with its heat but not actually touching him. As he stumbled back, he managed to notice as Mulch raised his gun. The dwarf calmly aimed at the goblin and let burst a shot. He scored a direct hit and the goblin fell over, knocked out. (It had been understood from the start that guns would be at lower settings, so as to knock unconscious and not kill.)
Draco turned and saw that Artemis was gripping his upper arm and a good deal of his shirt. The other boy had rescued him from danger. He stared in amazement. No one that he could remember had ever saved him from danger before. At that moment, he thought Artemis was the most incredible, most heroic, and bravest person he'd ever met.
"Goblins are immune to most magic," Artemis informed him, releasing him.
Draco straightened shakily. Battling like this just wasn't his thing. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" he demanded.
"I didn't know what you were going to do," Artemis pointed out. "You never mentioned that 'petrificus totalus' spell earlier."
"I only told you about easy spells," Draco admitted. In the euphoria gripping him at the moment, he would have gladly told Artemis anything. He was distracted from telling everything by Mulch.
"Hey!" the dwarf called, struggling to lift the unconscious goblin. "This thing's heavy! Help me out!"
Draco grinned at Artemis, who seemed surprised by the friendliness of the expression. "Watch this." He turned to the goblin. "Mobilicorpus!" he called. The goblin's body lifted up from the ground and floated slowly towards Draco and Artemis. Mulch followed, looking grumpy.
"You could have done that earlier," he grumbled. Draco ignored him, looking only at Artemis, who seemed slightly impressed by the magic. He decided then that there were few lengths he wouldn't go to to see that expression on Artemis's face a second time, or better yet, to see him even more impressed. Draco wondered what spell he could try on the next goblin.
It wasn't until much later, when Mulch was stuffing the unconscious goblin into the trunk of the car (the trunk was never meant to fit a goblin, so it was taking some time), that he remembered he ought to resent a Muggle for saving his life.
Thanks to Harry Potter Ninja, poppiecake, Marie Terensky, Ph33r the island ona, Meg111, celinafairy, ophite68, and wlng0 for reviewing.
Question: Is the Neutrino 2000 the latest fairy model at this point? I don't feel like looking it up right now, and haven't found a good on-line reference for AF. This is why I need to beta reader. (hint, hint.)