Chapter 33

Phil walked into Tommy's apartment to see Tommy and Lil making out. They jumped up and Lil yelled, "Hi Phil, how ya doing?"

"Wassup!" Tommy shouted smiling innocently.

"Uhhh." Phil looked at them odd. "Yeah, okaay. I was just wondering if you guys would let me baby sit Mikey."

"How come?" Tommy asked.

"Remember how we was talking about families?" Phil asked.

"Awww." Lil smiled. "You guys were discussing families? That's sweet. Do you want one Phil?"

"Lil," Phil said. "You was in the room when I brought itup."

"Ohhh." Lil nodded. "You was talking about you? Well, I never thought that'd happen."

"Yeah, whatever." Phil sighed. "But can I please?"

"Sure, Phil." Tommy nodded. "Just don't drop him on his head."

Phil and Lil glared at him and Lil said, "We only did it once to Dil."

"Uh huh." Tommy rolled his eyes.

"By the way, Phil." Lil said. "Mom called and said that next week she's having a family reunion. And you're not invited."

"WHAT?" Phil shouted.

"Don't worry." Lil calmed him. "She told me to bring Tommy and a friend. You can be the friend I bring." Lil said.

"I'm really gonna tell Mom off." Phil said. "I mean seriously, not invite me to a family reunion? That's low for my mother! For any mother! What the hell is her problem?"

"Maybe if you hadn't had sex with your girlfriend on the living room couch while Mom was in the kitchen, she wouldn't think you're such a perverted dumb ass." Lil smirked.

"The couch?" Tommy turned to him. "I thought it was in your bedroom."

Kimi was in her new office at Fashion 'N' Love company building. She smiled at her computer, desk, picture of herself, and the big plant in the corner.

Angelica then walked in and sighed of being bored. "This is boring."

"Yeah." Kimi leaned back in her chair. "I'm gonna call Phil!" she smiled reaching for the phone but Angelica grabbed it.

"No!" she shouted. "Do you remember what we talked about as we were kicked out of Johnny's? Play hard to get, girl. Besides, he'll just make you miserable again."

"Not to hit on him." Kimi said. "To hang out. Phil and I are like best friends."

"Sooo?" Angelica rolled her eyes. "Kimi, Phil hurt you and-"

"Angelica." Kimi said. "You're sure acting like you don't like him."

"Are you accusing me of hating Phil DeVille?" Angelica asked. "And Tommy, Chuckie, and Dil?"

Kimi stared at her blankly and sighed, "I'm getting back to work."

Phil waved a rattle in front of Mikey's face in Phil's apartment. They were both in the floor.

"Hello, Mikey." Phil smiled as he waved the rattle. Mikey just stared blankly into Phil's eyes. "Mikey. Mikey! Hello!" The baby continued staring blankly. "Are you even alive?" Phil asked picking him up and setting him on the couch. "Hungry?" Phil walked over to the fridge and opened it. A jar fell out and landed on his foot.

Lil was in her office staring at the computer. She was bored and had no work to do. Suddenly the phone rang startling her. She sighed picking it up.

"What?" she said into it.

"Lil!" Phil yelled. "We have a slight-no don't say it again!"

"What is it?" she stood up. "What's wrong?"

"Dear God, please make him stop!"

"Phil?"

"Mikey, well he said his first word."

"Really?" Lil cheered. "I can't believe I missed it! What was it?"

"Well, I opened the fridge door and a jar fell on my foot and I said some things."

Lil sighed rolling her eyes. "Phil...what did you say in front of Micheal L. Pickles?"

"I kind of said...well...I said a word to the jar and he must have over-crap! Quit saying it!"

"Phil?" Lil shouted. "What did you say to my child?"

"Hey, what's the L stand for in Mikey's name?" Phil asked changing the subject.

"It stands for Louis." Lil said, falling for Phil's sudden change of subject. "Micheal Louis Pickles. Tommy wanted it because of naming him after Grandpa Lou. Tommy's middle name is also Louis...which I didn't know until the day Mikey was born."

"You didn't know Tommy's middle name until Mikey was born?" Phil asked.

"You probably didn't either." Lil sighed.

"I didn't until you told me a couple seconds ago and I already forgot." he replied.

"Wait a sec." Lil said. "You changed the subject you freak! What did Mikey say?"

"Mikeysaidthefword." Phil mumbled very quickly.

"What?" Lil asked not understanding him.

"Mikeysaidabadwordwhichwasthefword."

"Huh?" Lil asked.

"Mikey said..."

"Yes?"

"...he said..."

"Yes?"

"...a bad word..."

"Uh huh."

"...which was..."

"Out with it!"

"Mikey said the F word!" Phil yelled.

Lil stared blankly at nothing and dropped the phone. She sat down in her chair as Kimi walked in and looked at her odd.

Kimi picked up the phone and said, "Hello?"

"Who is this?" Phil said on the other line freaked out.

"Who's this?"

"You answer first, freak."

"Yeah right!" Kimi shouted. "You're the freak!" she yelled slamming the phone down. "What's wrong , Lil?"

Lil got up, grabbed her coat and walked out.

Tommy cheerfully walked into Phil's apartment humming Sanford and Son theme song. He smiled until he saw Lil strangling Phil and Mikey smiling as he watched. Tommy sighed, opened the fridge and grabbed a beer then sat down next to Mikey on the couch and watched as he drank his beer.

"Hey." Tommy nodded to Mikey. "What's up?"

"I'm sorry!" Phil shouted as Lil shook his head holding his neck. She stopped and punched him in the stomach. "Ow!"

"You jerk!" she yelled. "There's no way you're coming to the reunion now."

"What'd he do?" Tommy asked.

"He taught Mikey his first word." Lil said breathing very hard.

"What word?" Tommy asked wanting to know as Mikey said it. Tommy turned to him with his eyes wide open. "Lillian." he said. "Please take Mikey and leave for I am about to use very foul language and do foul things to DeVille." Lil nodded taking Mikey and left Phil's apartment.

"Come on, T." Phil said stepping back. "It was an accident."

Tommy stood up and stared at Phil. "You son of a bitch!" he yelled tackling Phil. He began punching him as Phil threw him off. Phil tackled him and held him down as Kimi casually walked in then just stared at them blankly.

"Kimi!" Phil yelled. "Get the beer! Get out!"

"What's going on?" Kimi asked grabbed Phil and Tommy by their ears.

"Ow ow ow ow ow." they both groaned.

"What is going on?" Kimi asked.

"Phil taught Mikey his first word, ugh...ow." Tommy said.

"Aw, what was it?" Kimi smiled.

"The F word." Tommy said.

"Oh." Kimi said letting go of their ears. "Carry on then." she said walking out.

"I can't believe I let you come." Lil mumbled as she, holding Mikey, Tommy, Phil, and Kimi walked up to the DeVille house front door.

"Why did Kimi come?" Tommy asked.

"I dunno." Kimi shrugged.

"I didn't mean to teach him that word." Phil said.

Mikey then smiled and said, "F-jackhammer noise-k."

"Dammit!" Tommy shouted.

"Dammit!" Mikey repeated.

They all turned to Mikey then looked at Tommy who smiled innocently. "Oops." he shrugged.

"Ha!" Phil pointed at him. "Now you taught him a new word!"

"Christ." Lil rolled her eyes.

"Christ." Mikey repeated smiling.

They all then turned to him again then at Lil. "Ha!" Phil and Tommy pointed at her.

"I'm allowed to." Lil shrugged. "Let's just go in."

"Dammit." Mikey said again.

"We can't go in there with a one year old that knows three cuss words." Tommy said.

"Looks like I'm the only one who hasn't taught him a new word." Kimi grinned. "I wonder how he caught onto three different words that fast?" she then giggled. "I know he didn't get that from his dumb ass father."

"Ass." Mikey giggled.

"Crap!" Kimi stomped her foot. "Four freakin' bad words!"

"What are we gonna do?" Tommy asked pulling his hair. "I'm not walking into my wife's family reunion with a baby that knows four bad words!"

"I could take him home." Kimi said.

"Really?" Lil asked. "Thank you, Kimi, thank you." Lil handed Mikey to Kimi.

"Sure, no problem." Kimi smiled. "But hurry before I accidently teach him more words." she said walking off as Lil, Phil, and Tommy walked into the house but there was no one.

"Hey pumpkin." Betty walked out of a room and kissed Lil on the forehead. "Tommy." she kissed Tommy on the cheek then saw Phil. "Phil." she hesitated but kissed Phil on the cheek.

"Uh huh." Phil nodded fakely and walked off.

Betty sighed and said, "Um, go to the backyard." she said.

Tommy and Lil walked into the backyard and Tommy gulped at all the people. There was about three dozen. "Large family."

"Yes." Lil nodded. "You see, my Mom's family is Catholic. They don't believe in birth control."

"You're Catholic?" Tommy asked.

"No." Lil nodded. "My mom is. Phil and I were an accident." she smiled. "So, actually, I'm about half Catholic."

"I see." Tommy nodded. "Wish I had known that earlier. I hate condoms. They aggravate me to death!" he stomped his foot.

Phil walked into the backyard and sighed as he walked over to the grill where Howard was cooking burgers. "Hey." Phil sighed.

"Hey Phil." Howard smiled at him. "Have you been here long?"

"Nah." Phil shook his head. "I wasn't even invited to the damn thing."

"What?" Howard looked at him odd.

"Yeah, I just said that to piss you off." Lil said as she walked by.

"Son of a-" Phil glared at her walking by as Tommy flipped him off following Lil as he laughed. Phil turned back to Howard. "Nevermind. I guess I was."

"How's it been going, Phil?" Howard asked.

"Good, I guess." Phil shrugged. "I got stuck in a tree stand the other day."

"Really?" Howard asked. "That's...interesting."

"Yeah." Phil nodded. "I wish I could patch things up with Mom."

"That won't be happening any time soon." Howard said. "She's been tore up since that day. She will hardly talk to me."

"I can't believe this!" Phil stomped his foot.

Meanwhile...

Tommy had a beer talking to one of Lil's family members as Betty talked to Lil.

"So," Betty said, "Where's Mikey?"

"Oh." Lil's eyes widened. "He, uh, didn't come. Kimi's babysitting."

"Oh." Betty frowned. "I was hoping to see him." she then smiled. "Oh well. I'll see him later. Just enjoy yourself, pumpkin."

"You know who really needs some comfort?" Lil said. "Phil. Phillip DeVille."

"He's fine." Betty shrugged.

"So," Tommy was talking to Lil's cousin, Barry. "I've heard about you before."

"Yes." the man replied. He had a blue suit on witha pink flower. His hair was shiny and flat. "I'm Barry. First cousin of Phil and Lil."

"Yeah." Tommy nodded. "I'm Lil's-"

"Boyfriend?" Barry asked.

"Husband." Tommy corrected him.

"Hm?" Barry looked at him confused. "Why wasn't I invivted to the wedding?"

"First or second?" Tommy asked. Barry stared blankly and walked off. Tommy watched him go and said, "What'd I say?"

Back to Phil...

Lil walked over to him and sighed. "I tried, Phil."

"I'm mad at you." Phil glared at her. "Telling me that I wasn't invited."

"It was funny." she shrugged, "But, I'm sorry." she then punched him in the arm. "Do you forgive me, little brother?"

"By two minutes." Phil rolled his eyes then smiled. "But, yeah, I forgive ya."

"I wish Mom would forgive you." Lil sighed. "I hate seeing you like this."

"Nah, I'm fine." Phil smiled at her. "I guess you're just the perfect spawn."

"You ever seen the movie Spawn?" Lil asked changing the subject but Phil glared at her. "Uh, sorry."

"I don't know what to do." Phil rubbed the back of his head. "I want Mom to love me again."

"She does, Phil." Lil put her hand on his shoulder. He brushed it off and walked away. Lil then began to think. She smiled then stomped her foot. "Curse my love for my sibling."

"What are you doing?" Tommy walked up to her.

"Tommy," Lil turned to him. "I'm sorry for what I'm about to do."

"Oh my God." Tommy backed up. "What's going on?"

"I have to do something for my brother." Lil said. "Something that will hurt our child."

"I'm not letting you kill my son." Tommy crossed his arms.

"No, no, no." Lil sighed. "I...well...just watch." Lil ran into the house and grabbed the cordless phone then ran back out. She dialed her number waiting for Kimi to answer.

"Hello?" Kimi answered.

"Kimi?" Lil asked. "This is Lil. Is Mikey still cussing?"

"A little."

"Put him on the phone." Lil said. "Mom!" Betty walked over to them. "Here, Mikey wants to talk to you."

"Really?" Betty smiled grabbing the phone and putting it to her ear. Her eyes then widened and she handed the phone to Lil. "Honey, did you know that Mikey-"

"Knows a few words?" Lil grinned. "Yeah." she nodded with a big smile on her face.

"Lil," Tommy whispered to her. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I guess since I'm such a bad parent with a child that cusses at age 1, Phil's not such a loser anymore, eh?" Lil smiled.

Phil, Lil, Tommy, and Kimi were in Doug's Diner. Lil was holding Mikey.

"Well," Phil said. "Now Mom's convinced she has two loser kids."

"Oh well." Lil shrugged. "Here." she handed Mikey to Tommy. "I need a drink. Some vodka or something." and she walked out.

"So," Kimi said, "Phil's a sex addict loser, Lil lets her child cuss, and Tommy's married to her. In the eyes of Betty, of course."

"Yes." Phil glared at her. "I just wish something right could happen in our loser lives."

"Our?" Tommy asked. Tommy then remembered kissing Laura while going out with Lil, getting bit three times by a snake buying man, refusing to have a baby, getting drunk every night in college, being poisoned in Miami, letting Laura live with Phil, having a stripper in the apartment, and accidently divorcing Lil. "I'll be." he commented on his memories.

Kimi rolled her eyes then began to think. Letting Phil be a teacher, letting him substiture for her, admitting her love for him in front of a third grade classroom, keeping her relationship with Phil a secret, almost getting Phil killed by Chuckie, sleeping with Tommy in college, hanging with Z, coming home from Miami for Phil to find him with a girlfriend, marrying Z in a 'could have been' vision, getting drunk with the girls, almost calling a stripper, and of course spying on Tommy and Lil having sex.

Phil sat there then thought. Becoming the worst actor ever, dating a gay hooker who won't leave him alone, trying to kill Tommy, persuading Tommy to forget about Lil, becoming a horrible teacher, admitting love for Kimi in front of a third grade class, doing it with Kimi on a boat with Chuckie in the next room, not going to college, accusing Kimi of loving Z, faking a girlfriend, persuading Tommy to call a stripper, spy on Tommy and Lil having sex, and expressing his true feelings for everyone and everything on a hunting trip.

"I got alot." his eyes widened.

Next chapter up! Hope you enjoy. BTW, the reason I never actaully said the F word in the story was because I didn't want to beef up the rating. R&R